Struggling with Bipolar

[BipolarPoppy]

I haven't used a forum before, but I'm getting desperate so I'm trying anything. I'm 19, and I've been diagnosed with bipolar for just less than a year.

It has been the hardest time of my life, and I'm really struggling. My energy is appalling - I don't have the energy to do anything so I really have to force myself - and my lows are very long and awful. I'm on medication but it's being tweaked all the time. I feel incredibly angry at this whole situation, and I hate being around people because I inevitably take it out on them, even though I don't need to. I have a brilliant boyfriend, great friends, and good therapists, but despite this I still feel horribly alone, as no one can truly understand how hard things are unless you have bipolar. I've never met anyone bipolar and I want to - I just don't want to feel so hopeless and alone.

Having a boyfriend is hard because I often want to withdraw from him, and I think he finds it difficult to keep up. I don't know what to say, I can't really put into words how miserable and frustrated and desperate I feel. Every day is a struggle to keep going, every tiny thing is difficult, and there's nothing I can do. I've tried cutting myself, and there was one point when I was convinced I was going to overdose, but obviously I didn't. I still want to die though, everything is too overwhelming and too painful. This illness has destroyed my self-confidence, ruined so many plans for the future. I actually feel envious when I hear about someone dying on the news, which I know is so so awful. I don't know what anyone can say, I guess I just need support from somewhere.

Thanks

[Rboehm41]

Hello , I'm a 17 year old boy , I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder about a year ago .. But Ive been dealing with the mania depression and anxiety since I was about 6, from 1st grade to 5th I had a psychiatrist who really helped me , I went through stages in my life sometimes feeling great other times feeling awful, when I was little I used to think about death and suicide a lot , last year I had a major depression episode where I became paranoid and delusional , and my mood would shift from severe depression to mania , that's when they diagnosed me with bipolar disorder , I am prescribed resperidal and lamictal which has helped me so much , my mood is stabelized for the most part but it's now about the same time as last year and I'm starting to feel very depressed , I do whatever it takes to get the mania part to come out , if it's drinking a red bull or taking adderall ,which I know is bad , I've struggled with drug addiction since I was 14 , I started smoking weed and it kept getting worse and worse until I was 16 doing cocaine and Herion . People thought I was doing it to fit in with some of the "popular" people at school but I was really doing it to self medicate because of my problems, these medicines have helped a lot and have had very little side effects but I still deal with some bumps in the rode , I was recently burning my self with my coggarets and have scars all on my left arm .. I've been smoking a pack a day for about a year and a half , and last year at this time when I had my episode I was smoking 2 packs a day and I'm slowly working my way up there and don't know what to do , it's so hard to stop my addictions and I've been trying my best not to , I am a year clean off cocaine and 8 months clean off heroin which is really good , and I've been doing really good in school up until a month ago since the depression hit me hard again and now I find it hard to concentrate and actually give a **** and it brings me down cause I feeel like I'm going no where in life . Everyone deals with there own struggles but I know exactly how you other people feel with bipolar disorder , that's why it's good to have sites like this to help each other out , my mom and girlfriend have been such a big part of me being clean and changing up my act it's been a huge part of my life . Struggling with BPD ***** but you just need to make the best of it I guess . Thanks for listening if any one elts is having prioblems like these Im always there to talk I take comfort and talking to people who go through struggles like mine , people who actually know how it feels to go through this.

[Rboehm41]

Hello , I'm a 17 year old boy , I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder about a year ago .. But Ive been dealing with the mania depression and anxiety since I was about 6, from 1st grade to 5th I had a psychiatrist who really helped me , I went through stages in my life sometimes feeling great other times feeling awful, when I was little I used to think about death and suicide a lot , last year I had a major depression episode where I became paranoid and delusional , and my mood would shift from severe depression to mania , that's when they diagnosed me with bipolar disorder , I am prescribed resperidal and lamictal which has helped me so much , my mood is stabelized for the most part but it's now about the same time as last year and I'm starting to feel very depressed , I do whatever it takes to get the mania part to come out , if it's drinking a red bull or taking adderall ,which I know is bad , I've struggled with drug addiction since I was 14 , I started smoking weed and it kept getting worse and worse until I was 16 doing cocaine and Herion . People thought I was doing it to fit in with some of the "popular" people at school but I was really doing it to self medicate because of my problems, these medicines have helped a lot and have had very little side effects but I still deal with some bumps in the rode , I was recently burning my self with my coggarets and have scars all on my left arm .. I've been smoking a pack a day for about a year and a half , and last year at this time when I had my episode I was smoking 2 packs a day and I'm slowly working my way up there and don't know what to do , it's so hard to stop my addictions and I've been trying my best not to , I am a year clean off cocaine and 8 months clean off heroin which is really good , and I've been doing really good in school up until a month ago since the depression hit me hard again and now I find it hard to concentrate and actually give a **** and it brings me down cause I feeel like I'm going no where in life . Everyone deals with there own struggles but I know exactly how you other people feel with bipolar disorder , that's why it's good to have sites like this to help each other out , my mom and girlfriend have been such a big part of me being clean and changing up my act it's been a huge part of my life . Struggling with BPD ***** but you just need to make the best of it I guess . Thanks for listening if any one elts is having prioblems like these Im always there to talk I take comfort and talking to people who go through struggles like mine , people who actually know how it feels to go through this.

[BipolarPoppy]

Thank you for being so responsive, it means a lot. The last 2 days I've been pretty stable, but I will post here whenever I feel myself going into a low, especially now that I know people are here. Thank you, I hope you've all had a good couple of days too.

[nolafriend]

My dear,
You are certainly not alone living with bipolar disorder. Please, know that there are so many people out there to give you the support and help you need to manage your condition and live a happy life.
I have suffered from depression since childhood (never diagnosed until I was in my 30's), and know exactly how you feel.
After getting the proper help, I was able to see the world under a different light. It's not always easy, as my depression also has cycles. However, I learned that like stormy weather, it will too pass.
I believe that there's a reason why we have to go through life with challenges like this. Being emotionally fragile has also made me a very sensitive and compassionate person.God clearly had a plan when he blessed me with such gift, as I am now the mother of two wonderful adopted children, and have now the understanding of what was meant for me.
My 9 years old daughter has also been diagnosed with bipolar disorder two years ago, and there's no one else in this world that could love and understand her more than I do.
She is getting all the help that she needs, and I am educating myself to make sure that she will too, live a happy life despite her mental illness.
When you accept what you are, then you can start changing the way you see yourself.Bipolar disorder is a treatable condition, and should not define you or rule your life.
Here is a great web site for you to find all you need to understand your illness and get the help you need: thebalancedmind.org also formerly known as the bipolar foundation
I wish you all the best of luck in your journey to finding calm within the storm!

[Yorkiegirlz]

Oh dear I do know how you feel. I also have a loving family and lots of things to be greatful for.but have times when just getting out of bed is such an effort. Please know you are not alone. Know that this is a disease and your moods will change. Go through the motions of life and the veil of depression will lift. I know for me the Lord is the only one who can fully understand and that He has given me gifts of peace and joy even in the darkest of times. I know He will meet you where your at if you call on Him. I pray for you to have peace my dear, and to know your not alone, and that although you can not always change your mood you can ride it out and it will change.

[helplogan]

Living with bi-polar can be so isolating at times and as I have lived with this  since a teenager myself I know how it can affect all aspects of your life.
Though I do agree with you that unless you live with bi-polar personally makes understanding how much it can affect your daily life very difficult ,it does not make getting support impossible.
People will only know as much as we are prepared to tell them and I know that sometimes even we don't know why we are so sad. By learning how each mood state affects me and how I try to cope with each one has had a real effect on future episodes. Understanding them has really helped me start to explain them, even if I can't explain exactly why I'm withdrawing I can see the next cycle coming so living with them has been a little easier. My husband has learnt with me because in relationship you both live with bi-polar disorder and even if you can only tell them what you can put into words thats a huge start.
Self harming and Feeling suicidal are both serious issues you need to contact your doctor about immediately, it sounds as if your medication needs reviewing at the very least. You should always inform  Your doctor when your mood deteriorates, staying safe is always a priority.
Keep in touch.