THIS IS NOT A LIFE

Hi everybody
it has been a while since i posted.but  i read your posts daily although i do not comment as i cannot.........am bipolar 2 for three years now.......

i cannot stand my life,,miserable all the time and do not have the energy to make any effort to improve things,,,,,,,i wish am dead every second of the day

even when things are better i seem to think it is not enough,,,,i just remember the bad times,,,,,,for example this month and a half i had ((11 days good,14 ok ,11 bad ..2 horrible and 2 depressed )).last month it was (( 3 good,,13 ok,,,15 bad..6 horrible))

so am suppose to feel better but i do not ...........i am having a bad week ,a very bad one ,and all i can feel is this bad week,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

am so sorry if i do not make sense but actually i do not know what to write,,i just feel so awful and helpless and i know no one around me can help,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,just wanted to feel that there is someone who can feel what am feeling without having to explain myself because I SIMPLY CANNOT


am withdrawing my meds now,stopped lithium on a period of two month and am reducing lamictal on 4 month period,,,,,,,,suppose to become pregnant after i become med free,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,but actually i do not want children of my own,,,,,,am so afraid,,,,,,,,,,,,one minute i feel i can make anything and get my life together and have a family but just like that all that energy fades like am now,,am so scared,do not want be responsible for another human being

sometimes i feel it is me ,my personality,not bipolarity that is the problem,i think i was not supposed to get married in the first place,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I WANT ALL THESE FEELINGS TO END

[ILADVOCATE]

Well you are stopping the medications under medical instruction for a very valid reason but what it is treating is returning which is of concern. Perhaps you could speak to your psychiatrist and doctor and ask if there is any medication you could take that is safe to take during pregnancy to keep things stable in the meantime.

[Malaksharif]

the only alternative is ECT .only if things got really out of control,,,,,,,,,but after what i read about and some members posted here ,i think am gonna refuse .....i will tell my pdoc that ECT is not included in my plan anymore,,,,,i really have no idea what he will say.................i guess he ran out of alternatives for me

[Malaksharif]

the only alternative is ECT .only if things got really out of control,,,,,,,,,but after what i read about and some members posted here ,i think am gonna refuse .....i will tell my pdoc that ECT is not included in my plan anymore,,,,,i really have no idea what he will say.................i guess he ran out of alternatives for me

[adel_ezz]

Hi Malak

People when they take a certain decision in their life they go ahead without looking back and this is the natural approach to life in general otherwise they will not make a step forward. Unfortunately, with bipolars, they keep looking back and forth, undecided, all the time regreting, the "what if not", etc...so this is us how we are creadted.

Besides, you are reducing your lamictal so i would expect that you will have to face a slight depression.

What worries me is not the way i will determine my child's future, and how am i going to handle the big responsibility, believe me there is no such huge responsibility, it's the illness which magnifies it to you, EXACTLY like it magnified the difficulty of sitting for your college exams and made you withdraw from college. Again fears are MAJOR parts of BP. On the contrary, children don't only learn from their parents, but many circumstances affect their upbringing,..e.g the environment, school,...life itself and i have given you the example of the woman who lives in the same town where you are and never could take care of herself, but has 2 very successful children (men now).

What i would care for right now, is will i feed the baby with my milk i.e. natural nursing so that the meds if i return to them can be transferred to him, or get someone else for him, etc.. i.e. think positive not negative, do calculations, and don't just sit and put your hands on your cheek and keep asking futile questions. As you already made your decision, go ahead fully and at a full speed.

Again, during the pregnancy i would get someone to stay with you while your husband is away for work, eg siblings,..your mother, don't stay alone during this period. PLEASE. And of course after delivery, your mother will automatically come to stay for a while or you go to stay with her. THEN life will continue automatically, etc...etc...again with all the ups and downs and your mood now will be part of the past that is gone

[Malaksharif]

thank you so much Ezz

but i have one question here,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

,ok you wrote the same answer to me more or less before,,,,,,,,why does it still comfort me when someone take the time to answer me here in the forum, or in real life and calm me down like this (using logic of course not just blabalabal))

why do i act as if am blind or prison ed in my own negative thoughts and cannot reason with myself,,,,,,i do the same with others,but why cannot i do it with myself,it feels stupid,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,and impractical,,,,,,,,i wont always find someone that can talk to me the way i need it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


i mean really my mood changed after reading your post,maybe in an hour i go back freaking out again but at least words like these gave me a break

[Xila31]

It is the same with all of us. It is very easy to help someone else and very hard to help ourselves. I can come on here and see someone is in trouble and give them words of comfort or advice and then when I fall apart all of that vanishes and I'm alone in the scariness until I find someone or something to pull me back. It is just part of being human, I guess.

I'm glad you had at least a break from your mood. :(

I hope you feel better because when you're in the dark it seems like the world is the worst place. But then you get better and you see it was just the bipolar trying to eat your alive. Don't give up. I hope you're feeling better now.

[adel_ezz]

When one's mood is Ok, you see things clearer and it happened that my mind was clear when i posted. The idea is self control i.e. i persuaded myself that the mood is one of the unstable things like everything else, eg the sky, the wind, always things change and that is the interesting part of our life. This is why i keep convincing myself that nothing is stable and even if my mood fluctuates it will settle somewhere sometime for a while. This has nothing to do with being optimistic. It has to do with me noticing that each time i feel i am going to die i do not in fact die and nobody else does. OK, i may have suicidal thoughts at times, but so what, if i commit it i will find rest, if not i reciprocate again and life goes on and on.

I have nothing to lose, feeling unhappy will not do me any good. besides, participating in this forum elevates my mood a lot, i socialise with others and see how others suffer so i feel i am blessed. sometimes i fall down as if i fell into a precipice, then i float again, etc...but the end result is i am still alive and that's enough for me. don't think that others are much happier than you, it doesn't show on their face that's all, contrary to us, sometimes people would want to trade their poverty for your health problems, there are an infinite no of things that can make you unhappy as well as there are a few things that can render you happy.

so never concentrate on your unhappiness, talk to others, the more you focus on your problems the more they inflate. again you should do a few reflexions about life itself. in other words what do we expect from it, love,...cherish,..., money, fulfilling carrier, ... if you succeed in getting a piece i.e. a small share from everything, then you are ok in my view. what about soldiers who lost a leg or an arm in wars, what about....etc...

the problem with us bipolars, is that it's not only the mood which counts as people think, it's a lot of simultaneous other things, call it comorbity, calle it BPD, but we are very self centered, i.e. thinking all the time about our problems as if the others don't have any. Of course they can be worse, but for us, we magnify them and that's called the mood.

I remember when i was dx BP, a friend of mine with whom i keep my confidentalities asked me the meaning of bipolarity so i told him it's an exagerated mood swings, he said so what, is this considered an illness, he said flu is worse, he couldn't see the danger of being BP neither he consders it an illness. I tried to explain to him but in vain until he saw me once in my highs so he finally believed me but told me it's you this way. From there on, i persuaded myself that i am not ill and that it's how i am created and others have to accept me this way. my mood is something i consider personal, so my colleagues at work stopped staring at me and life has continued smooth eversince