Aa
What is wrong with me?
I cannot take living the way I am anymore, and I want help so, so bad but my family doesn't believe in therapy, so I can't get help and this is my last resort! Sorry if I am about to sound all emo and cheesy and pathetic, but I just want some help.
My problem is this: I am emotionally numb. I cannot feel anything at all emotionally. I cannot feel love, happiness, depression, or..anything at all. I have been like this since I was seven (I believe, maybe when I was a little bit older or younger, possibly) and it worsened when I turned thirteen. Sure, I had thought of dying and death as beauty before, but when I literally turned thirteen I began to have these reoccuring suicidal thoughts in my head. It pushed me so far over the edge, that I nearly tried to kill myself. So, not wanting to face my thoughts, I abused my mom's diet pills till I turned fifteen. (I am not as 'important' as my brother and sister in my parents eyes.. So, as you can tell, when I was overdosing on my mom's pills, nobody noticed.) Every night, when the high from the pills would fade, I would break down crying till I fell asleep. I took more pills to stop the crying. Of course, my parents were awake, but they never did anything. Hell, I could havekilled myself and they wouldn't have noticed. The one thing that made me turn my life around was my cat, Evelyn. On the day I got her, I was about to kill myself on a 'walk' with my moms knife. But she came into my life and being the cat lover I am, I couldn't say no to her face when I was about to walk out the door. On my fifteenth birthday, I put down the pills for good and decided to face my problems by myself. At first, I was just numb. Which was okay by me. But after three months, I began to feel empty for some reason, and then I began to feel suicidal. I attempted a suicide one night, when my family was watching TV. I don't know how it happened; I mean, I had everything together and then I began to feel empty and that resulted in me feeling suicidal. I had some sleeping pills, and the water to the tub running. No one in my family did nothing at all to stop me. No one. They never even noticed that I was crying or that I took their pills from the medicine cabinet. The only one that noticed was Evelyn. She saw me crying, she heard the tub running, and she was in the bathroom when I was trying to drown myself. She literally jumped on me in the bathtub which caused me to drop the pills in the water, so the pills were gone and I was left crying in the tub. How could I have tried to leave the one and only thing that loves me? How?
When I was in school, I turned to some teachers for help..but instead, they tried to call up social services to take me away from my mom for child abuse and neglect. Of course, my mom was mad as hell. She was screaming at me the whole damn time, not ever dare thinking that they could be right, and threatened to take away everything I loved from me. The next day, she was all calm down and did not bring it up at all. She complained to the school owner about it, so the teachers wound up being fired. Sad, because all they were trying to do was help me. And they were my friends too.
Summer, I was numb again for three months. Then when the recession hit, I began to get these weird out of control urges to buy everything I could see. I didn't even know why either. December 2008 was hell for me. My cat was sick with a kidney infection, so she took it out on my brother by scratching at him. She did it once because another cat came into the house, and again when another cat was outside. But the third time she did it for no reason. I did not hear him screaming or anything when it was happening, because I was blasting my music really loud. He came upstairs crying to me, saying, 'Shes crazy! I want her put down!' The only scratches I saw on him were the tiny ones on his foot. I went downstairs and saw my baby. She wasn't attacking me or anything, so I thought he was making it up. He called up my parents crying, begging them to put her down. I was not about to let that happen, not over some spoiled little brat! I began to scream and cry as well in the defense and fear of losing my kitty. The next day, my mom saw his scars and I saw them for the first time as well. Before I could even speak, she was already accussing me of ignoring him when he was screaming and knowing that this was happening. She then went onto to say, 'You know what? If you ever get attacked by anyone or anything in this house, we'll ignore it; just like you ignored your brother.' I was crying the whole day, fearing it was the last day I would see my Evelyn. I had made plans to runaway, later that night, my mom decided to take her to the vet to see if she was sick or something. (Stupid hag wanted her dead earlier on in the day; so I don't know why she had a change of heart. I think it was the anger management pills she was on.) Of course, she was sick with a kidney infection. She got fixed along with getting a pill for her kidney, and she was declawed. It was the roughest thing in my life to ever overcome. I was so emotionally drained from it all, that i literally spent the whole month feeling physical and emotional fatigue. During Christmas, I was feeling so dead and lifeless that I literally just stopped talking completely. No one noticed, of course.
January, I was feeling okay. Numb. (which for me is good; its better to be numb than suicidal) February, I am talking really, really fast on the phone (faster than the average Minnesotan accent) and one of my friends thinks I am bipolar. The other thinks I need to be taken away from my mom and dad. I am feeling numb and empty (dead as I like to call it) for some reason and I have lost interest in everything I used to love. I cannot even feel my Evelyn by me anymore!
What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? How can I make this stop for stop for good?
My problem is this: I am emotionally numb. I cannot feel anything at all emotionally. I cannot feel love, happiness, depression, or..anything at all. I have been like this since I was seven (I believe, maybe when I was a little bit older or younger, possibly) and it worsened when I turned thirteen. Sure, I had thought of dying and death as beauty before, but when I literally turned thirteen I began to have these reoccuring suicidal thoughts in my head. It pushed me so far over the edge, that I nearly tried to kill myself. So, not wanting to face my thoughts, I abused my mom's diet pills till I turned fifteen. (I am not as 'important' as my brother and sister in my parents eyes.. So, as you can tell, when I was overdosing on my mom's pills, nobody noticed.) Every night, when the high from the pills would fade, I would break down crying till I fell asleep. I took more pills to stop the crying. Of course, my parents were awake, but they never did anything. Hell, I could havekilled myself and they wouldn't have noticed. The one thing that made me turn my life around was my cat, Evelyn. On the day I got her, I was about to kill myself on a 'walk' with my moms knife. But she came into my life and being the cat lover I am, I couldn't say no to her face when I was about to walk out the door. On my fifteenth birthday, I put down the pills for good and decided to face my problems by myself. At first, I was just numb. Which was okay by me. But after three months, I began to feel empty for some reason, and then I began to feel suicidal. I attempted a suicide one night, when my family was watching TV. I don't know how it happened; I mean, I had everything together and then I began to feel empty and that resulted in me feeling suicidal. I had some sleeping pills, and the water to the tub running. No one in my family did nothing at all to stop me. No one. They never even noticed that I was crying or that I took their pills from the medicine cabinet. The only one that noticed was Evelyn. She saw me crying, she heard the tub running, and she was in the bathroom when I was trying to drown myself. She literally jumped on me in the bathtub which caused me to drop the pills in the water, so the pills were gone and I was left crying in the tub. How could I have tried to leave the one and only thing that loves me? How?
When I was in school, I turned to some teachers for help..but instead, they tried to call up social services to take me away from my mom for child abuse and neglect. Of course, my mom was mad as hell. She was screaming at me the whole damn time, not ever dare thinking that they could be right, and threatened to take away everything I loved from me. The next day, she was all calm down and did not bring it up at all. She complained to the school owner about it, so the teachers wound up being fired. Sad, because all they were trying to do was help me. And they were my friends too.
Summer, I was numb again for three months. Then when the recession hit, I began to get these weird out of control urges to buy everything I could see. I didn't even know why either. December 2008 was hell for me. My cat was sick with a kidney infection, so she took it out on my brother by scratching at him. She did it once because another cat came into the house, and again when another cat was outside. But the third time she did it for no reason. I did not hear him screaming or anything when it was happening, because I was blasting my music really loud. He came upstairs crying to me, saying, 'Shes crazy! I want her put down!' The only scratches I saw on him were the tiny ones on his foot. I went downstairs and saw my baby. She wasn't attacking me or anything, so I thought he was making it up. He called up my parents crying, begging them to put her down. I was not about to let that happen, not over some spoiled little brat! I began to scream and cry as well in the defense and fear of losing my kitty. The next day, my mom saw his scars and I saw them for the first time as well. Before I could even speak, she was already accussing me of ignoring him when he was screaming and knowing that this was happening. She then went onto to say, 'You know what? If you ever get attacked by anyone or anything in this house, we'll ignore it; just like you ignored your brother.' I was crying the whole day, fearing it was the last day I would see my Evelyn. I had made plans to runaway, later that night, my mom decided to take her to the vet to see if she was sick or something. (Stupid hag wanted her dead earlier on in the day; so I don't know why she had a change of heart. I think it was the anger management pills she was on.) Of course, she was sick with a kidney infection. She got fixed along with getting a pill for her kidney, and she was declawed. It was the roughest thing in my life to ever overcome. I was so emotionally drained from it all, that i literally spent the whole month feeling physical and emotional fatigue. During Christmas, I was feeling so dead and lifeless that I literally just stopped talking completely. No one noticed, of course.
January, I was feeling okay. Numb. (which for me is good; its better to be numb than suicidal) February, I am talking really, really fast on the phone (faster than the average Minnesotan accent) and one of my friends thinks I am bipolar. The other thinks I need to be taken away from my mom and dad. I am feeling numb and empty (dead as I like to call it) for some reason and I have lost interest in everything I used to love. I cannot even feel my Evelyn by me anymore!
What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? How can I make this stop for stop for good?
I know this is erm a hard pill to swallow, but most folks who have mood disorders require meds, it's a fact of life, but the right ones and the proper diagnosis will get you on the right meds. You need to see a psychiatrist, not a family doctor. A Family Doc doesn't know much about complicated mood disorders. It's dangerous to have others try to guess what it going on with you, but talking about it with a counselor is a really good start. Because you are underage, there are special programs for teens, I was in one.
I was able to talk with my family doc without my mum or dad present. There was no way I could for safety's sake. At least that's a good start. Give it a shot, you never know right?
I was able to talk with my family doc without my mum or dad present. There was no way I could for safety's sake. At least that's a good start. Give it a shot, you never know right?
Hi, I'm not fully aware of the provisions in your country as I live in the UK. Is there a help line or crisis line you can ring, aimed specifically at youngsters? My own depression started around the age of 15 and it got out of control. My parents weren't aware because I never told them and I kept it hidden.
Are you able to go and see your regular family Doc without your mum?
It's very sad that despite turning to the school things weren't dealt with, was this because you felt scared at the mention of social services and being taken away from your family?
Please try and talk to your school counsellor, try and see your Doc and look in the phone book for a help line.
Are you able to go and see your regular family Doc without your mum?
It's very sad that despite turning to the school things weren't dealt with, was this because you felt scared at the mention of social services and being taken away from your family?
Please try and talk to your school counsellor, try and see your Doc and look in the phone book for a help line.
When I was as young as I could remember, I was suicidal and extremely depressed. Of course I had some good moments. My mom said when I was really young, she thought I was just needing extra attention, which I never got. Then, as I became a teenager things got a lot worse and my mom said she just thought it was normal teenage behavior. I turned to drugs and alcohol. Of course no one noticed either. At 18, I was hospitalized twice for attempting suicide and psychosis. My mom just thought I was having boyfriend problems (talk about denial). Anyways, 10 years later, I am really getting the help I need and my mom is just now seeing how far I have come with this disease. I still can't talk to her though. Not about my disorder anyway. She has a lot of regrets and guilt.
So, whatever you do, attempting suicide as a way of getting your parents attention is not the way to go about it. You could actually succeed and I have a feeling that deep inside, that's not what you want. Being 15 is hard enough. Being extremely depressed on top of that is almost impossible to bear. There is help out there though for teenagers. Your school counselor is there for you. I know you said you confided to some teachers about how you were feeling and it didn't turn out so well but you need to keep trying. Your parents aren't helping you. Don't give up. Keep trying. Talk to someone at school no matter how mad your parents get. Just tell them you can't talk to your parents about it, so they won't get into trouble. I'm glad you stopped taking pills. They are a depressant and you are already depressed so it only makes things worse. Soon enough you will be 18 and you will be able to get your own help and be able to take responsibility for your own life. Remember when you are 18, you can stay on your parents insurance if you are in college till you are 24. Something to seriously think about considering insurance is really expensive. If not, there are programs out there to help you.
Another option is telling your doctor about how you are feeling. If your mom is with you, you can request she step out of the room if you feel uncomfortable talking in front of her. I think it would be a good idea to say it in front of her though so she knows just how serious you are.
In the meantime you should have a journal to express your emotions. Exercise is amazing for depression. I hope you start feeling better soon. You need help immediately though. Things will get better. Commiting suicide is the most selfish thing anyone could ever do. You will ruin your families lives forever. They will never recover from that. They will feel just like you do for the rest of their lives for you doing that. They love you and believe it or not they just want the best for you. If you want to just talk you can personal message me anytime. Be strong! Things get better. Always remember that tomorrow is another day and you can start your life all over every day you wake up.
So, whatever you do, attempting suicide as a way of getting your parents attention is not the way to go about it. You could actually succeed and I have a feeling that deep inside, that's not what you want. Being 15 is hard enough. Being extremely depressed on top of that is almost impossible to bear. There is help out there though for teenagers. Your school counselor is there for you. I know you said you confided to some teachers about how you were feeling and it didn't turn out so well but you need to keep trying. Your parents aren't helping you. Don't give up. Keep trying. Talk to someone at school no matter how mad your parents get. Just tell them you can't talk to your parents about it, so they won't get into trouble. I'm glad you stopped taking pills. They are a depressant and you are already depressed so it only makes things worse. Soon enough you will be 18 and you will be able to get your own help and be able to take responsibility for your own life. Remember when you are 18, you can stay on your parents insurance if you are in college till you are 24. Something to seriously think about considering insurance is really expensive. If not, there are programs out there to help you.
Another option is telling your doctor about how you are feeling. If your mom is with you, you can request she step out of the room if you feel uncomfortable talking in front of her. I think it would be a good idea to say it in front of her though so she knows just how serious you are.
In the meantime you should have a journal to express your emotions. Exercise is amazing for depression. I hope you start feeling better soon. You need help immediately though. Things will get better. Commiting suicide is the most selfish thing anyone could ever do. You will ruin your families lives forever. They will never recover from that. They will feel just like you do for the rest of their lives for you doing that. They love you and believe it or not they just want the best for you. If you want to just talk you can personal message me anytime. Be strong! Things get better. Always remember that tomorrow is another day and you can start your life all over every day you wake up.
Yes that sounds like bipolar especially like rapid cycling where you go from manic to depressed in a very short period of time. As for how you can make it stop for good I would say seeing a psychiatrist who would prescribe a mood stabilizer (look on the links page for more specific information on medications) would be of strong help. Medication along with talk therapy (obviously you have a lot of important personal issues as well) and behavioral therapy if warranted can change things for the better. There's a lot going on in your life but with proper treatment you'd be able to simplify things and be better able to cope with it. And I say this having been there and recovered myself.
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