I've gotten rid of several things in my life that were very important to me on the spur of the moment. Since most of my hopes and dreams were shattered, I willingly shattered what was left of them thinking I should start everything over. I then realized today what's stopping me from doing anything, whether it be harmful to myself/someone else or not, if I so easily got rid of those things which I held so dear? This really opened my eyes so to speak. I don't know if I feel safe with myself anymore. I don't believe in suicide as an answer to anything but I really don't see what's stopping me at this point due to the above of how I act out despite my belief and values. I don't even want to do it and I don't feel depressed at all. You may say loved ones are a reason to not do it because it will hurt them, but as I wrote above, I got rid of several things in my life despite their importance to me, which their importance still holds true. I guess I just want some advice from people who have gone through suicidal ideation before I do get to that point of seriously considering suicide. Right now I see that shaving my head was very symbolic of entering a new phase in life, but now I'm finding no meaning in life so I feel like no matter how many new phases in life I enter, it's going to be a waste of time so why not skip all that and enter the final phase of reality and commit to death?
Yes I did go through this When I acquired a physical disability, I lost my ability to do things I used to be able to (though thankfully with treatment that is changing). What occured after that which was that I willfully alienated myself from other people, antagonized them and self isolated, that part was mainly psychiatric. I felt I should just rid myself of all emotional memories of my past. It was only afterwards that I realized how unhealthy that was and why my psychiatrist was concerned at the time.
At that point (and it can occur on occasion if it was realistic at any time I'd call my psychiatrist asap) in time I did have suicidal ideations. I realized
what I had to do was preserved what was left in my life. Also put together new interests, recovery goals and long term coping strategies. All that couldnt be done at once of course but I have worked on it with my psychiatrist. Also I had to realize not all people are supportive and some people have coping issues of their own. I had to work on achieving a self identity but one that included interacting with people and understanding their concerns and respecting emotional boundaries. Not all of this might apply but much of this worked for me.
I talked to my therapist last Monday about the part of it I talked to you about before and they didn't think there was any concern, I think. I tried calling the center for mental health about what I wrote here today and they just told me not to dwell on it and such. I'll bring it up with my therapist on this coming Monday but I don't think much will be done.
I have actually tried to end my life on a couple of occasions and there is alot to lose, but if the people you are seeing about your issues are saying not to be concerned then I think you need to find somewhere else to go causethey are not doingvtheir jobs obviously there is something is wrong and not right, I don't know you I can tell that when you talk to the mental health people on Monday make sure you yell them EVERYTHING if not they really can't help you and I had to break down and tell them everything it was had cause I have been the type to keep everything inside butci felt the world was lifted off my shoulders whenever I finally said it to my doctors. Keep is posted on how you feel and what's going on with you
I really don't see what they could do for me except swap medications or doses. I'm aware there is a lot to lose, but like I said I ended my marriage on the spur of the moment and I had a lot to lose there as well. I guess I could print off what I wrote and read it off to my therapist so I'm sure to tell him everything since I have a thought disorder and that makes speaking my thoughts difficult.
I work on my suicidal thoughts every day. My last attempt was about three months ago. The suiscidal seed was planted as I was going through my divorce a couple of yeas ago. Like I said it is something I work on everyday. "They" don't understand why I can't work. When I say "thay" I mean even psychiatrists that have gotten to know me. They tell me to go to school or find a job that I would enjoy doing. That's all fine and well but here is what they don't understand....
I wake up every morning and journal. I journal to see what I felt like yesterday. I journal so perhaps I won't make the same mistakes again. Sometimes the journaling only takes a few minutes but can take up to hours. If I had a job to go to I would have to get up early and rush myslef through my journaling to get to a job I don't want to be at anyway.
For the rest of the day, I work on these issues:
My codependent behaviors. I often give my stuff away. I don't feel like I deserve to own anything and if I think If I can make somebody happy by giving them something I own I often find myself doing it. That is one thing I work on everyday.
I also have to work on my mood. I never know what it is going to be but I fight constantly to keep myself out of depression. As I usually say I lose some days but now I win more than I lose. I never miss my medicine, although I wish I didn't have to be on it. It doesn't make sense to me to know that I have to be medicated now for something I used to cope with on my own....prior to finding out that I am bipolar.
I work on my impulsivity. I like to get exactly what I want, and I never think about consequinces. That is how I work and how I always have worked.
I have to work on my compulsivity. I have OCD alot and am scared of germs alot. I move from coping skill to coping skill thinking that if I stop, I will immediately fall into depression.
I have to work on the PTSD from my deployments over seas. I don't have to do it much anymore unless I have a nightmare about the deployment then it will stay on my mind until I process through it.
Along with all this and because of all this I have to work on my addiction. I have to stay clean in order to hold on hope that someday I won't have to work on this stuff everyday. I have to hope that someday this will become second nature but at this point it is not.
So I want them to tell me how beneficial it will be to take time away from working on myself and going to a factory wher even for most people get depressed and hate being there.
This is mostly my story but most will find parts of themselve in there, perhaps.
Well I can see how journal writing is important to you. You sound like you have a lot to work on like I do. In roughly an hour I will be talking over this all with my therapist and see what they think. I have a sort of weird OCD-like behavior myself over chemicals (even cleaning ones) ever since I was a kid and understood what they do. I have to wash my hands thoroughly after handling these and I try to avoid touching surfaces saturated with chemicals but as for germs, I'm the exact opposite almost. I also have PTSD but the flashbacks stopped after more than six months so I think I have that in "remission" but I still have other problems associated with it.
When I told my family members this, they seemed to not understand what I was saying and were worried I was suicidal, which I'm not by far. I don't know what is so hard for them to grasp about what I'm saying. They have what are considered mood disorders and I don't experience chronic depression but rather have schizophrenia so maybe they were thinking in terms of their own experiences with suicidality.
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