So...lately I have been very emotional and I have no clue why. I am constantly always worrying about everything all the time. Every single day I go through all different kinds of emotions, but mostly anger and I guess depression. I guess it would be diagnosed as Bipolar Disorder, but I feel like it's something more than that. Like when I get sad, it's not just being mopy and pouty...I get to the point where I cry and I feel like my heart is gonna burst, like how you feel when someone close to you dies and then few seconds later it's over I'm happy again. But sometime later on in the day if I think about it again, I go back to feeling the same. But when I get mad is what I'm more worried about than anything. Usually when I get mad I feel like someone just punched me in the face even though someone is just getting on to me for something I didn't do or even if I did do it. I just want to throw things and hit things to let out all my anger and that's when the problem really starts. Sometimes I just can't hold it in anymore and my anger turns into violence. I'm not proud of it and I don't mean to hurt anyone, especially the people I love. Actually to be honest, I don't ever lay a hand on anyone besides my husband. I guess you can say my husband's got the bad end of the deal. When we argue I just can't help but sometimes hit him and yes when I say hit I mean punch. I try my hardest to control myself, but sometimes, I just can't. When I'm finished letting it all out a few seconds later I feel like nothing has happened and I start crying because I realized what I did was out of line and completely wrong. He always forgives me and I love him for that. But of course I feel like I don't deserve him and he definitely doesn't deserve to be treated like this. I'm not sure where all these emotions came from, I don't know if it's because I just recently had a baby 6 months ago or what, but I'm pretty sure I always felt like this before I even got pregnant, it just wasn't this intense...and I could always hide it. But the only person I'm ever always happy with, no matter what is my son. I'm never mad or sad around him, but I'm scared when he gets older everything will change. What if I'm like this with him? I already hate myself cause I'm like this with the man I love, so if I treated my son like this, I feel like I would just die...I really need help. Can anyone tell me what's wrong with me and is there any medication out there that could help me? Please don't leave rude comments and yes I know I should go see a doctor, but I'm just not ready for that yet. I'm just gonna take it one step at a time. Please help?
Sudden emotional changes with a mixture of mania and depresison can occur as part of bipolar such as an agitated mixed state where a person feels like they are angry at the world. However a psychiatrist would have to be specifically diagnose this but it would be worthwhile to see one. Hormonal changes during pregancy and for some time afterwards can temporarily worsen bipolar and other psychiatric disabilities as well. If you at this point want to think things over before speaking to a psychiatrist a talk therapist might be of help and relationship counseling might be as well.
Post partum can make any Mental Illness (MI) a whole lot worse. There may be meds that can help. Antipsychotics are pretty good with the whole anger thing and a mood stabilizer like lamotrigine could help as well. And try not to get freaked out by the name. When my psychiatrist told me he wanted to try antipsychotics I was really nervous. They seemed so much worse than mood stabilizers.
Anger management classes can also teach you tools to manage your anger. They are often offered through places like Catholic and Family Social Services, or Family Services. My Dad has a MI, and took the anger management classes, and it really helps him. He's taken it twice just to brush up.
I am sorry to be blunt but you aren't in a position to take it one step at a time. You have a problem and it is possible if you hit your husband that one day things will get so out of control you may hit your son. Actress Patty Duke when she was manic would hit her children. It happens to good people who love their children. Your problems are at the level that you need to go and see a doctor within the next three weeks.
And getting help will be a relief. You'll be on the road to having freedom from that intense anger and sorrow. Why suffer when you don't have to?This isn't your fault, this is Mental Illness, but it is your responsibility to get help.
And meds aren't perfect. It may take some time to get it right. And they will all have side effects. But once you do get the right medication you will be amazed at the difference in your life.
So will you tell your son someday that you had the courage to get help for his sake, or will you be apologizing for raising him in an angry home? That choice is yours.
its is called bipolar level 1 mixed episodes rapid cycling is why you are feeling the way you do. At first I thought bipolar was just either your manic or your depressed but now in the last couple years I realize my moods change 5 or 6 times a day with extreme. It is very draining but not much I can do about it so I just keep on truckin!!! Good luck to you!
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