Why am I bitter/hostile at home

[cdonald91]

I am 18 and everyday I wake up in a great mood, go to school and have a great time, i really like school this year. When I get home I become very bitter and Negative, my mom and I fight almost everyday and I know its mostly my fault.

I scream at her, curse at her/use curse words. and I am just overall bitter.

I swear I do not do it on purpose i feel bad later and try not to do it again, but I always do I cant explain it.

I also read somewhere that a symptom of Bipolar disorder is thoughts of suicide- I don't think its been recently and its not suicidal, but for the past years I would ALWAYS everyday fantasize ways of me dying, like i wouldn't even be trying to think of it and I would see a car crash or something and just picture it being me. I also love when main characters get hurt in books or movies.

I dont know if this is bipolar disorder because my mood swing happens only at home. I could come home after school be in a horrible mood, bitter, hostile, get a txt from a friend and go with them somewhere and be normal.

[cdonald91]

I also have been diagnosed with ADD and I take Time released adderall (adderrall). So i think it might just be by the time I am home it wears off so my mood is worse, and if i go somewhere with a friend maybe i have better control with my mood than at home.

[ILADVOCATE]

Hard to day. Keep a mood tracker and bring it to your psychiatrist. If what you are defining as mania only happens in your interactions with your mother that is complex. Firstly there is a concept known as "expressed emotion" (I was informed by pyschiatrist about it) where a person with a psychiatric disability has difficulty with family who have difficulty containing their feelings about it. You could look up the term and speak to your psychiatrist about it. NAMI friend and family support groups can be helpful. Secondly for some people who experience mania Adderal can worsen it as it has a stimulant effect although it is quite helpful on ADHD. Speak to your psychiatrist about that as well and explain to them what you think might be bipolar and they could make a more definite conclusion and see what do from there.

[cdonald91]

I think i have something like expressed motion in another way, my mom was in a car accident back around 2002, and its caused a lot of drama and fighting in my family, and I cant even start to describe her without wanting to go off in a bad way. so i think i just have a lot of past fury still in me. maybe I'll see someone to talk to about it.