Why bipolar kids blame their parents?

[momofBP]

I've read about it many times and have been going through hell with my 30 year old  BP daughter who has been blaming me since she turned 16. She even implies that I possibly have caused her illness. I consider myself a good, devoted mother. I know mothers who have wonderful relationships with their several children, but the one who is bipolar would be extremely angry at them and blame them.

Can somebody give an advice how to deal with this?

Thanks!

[Spirit2008]

I am at a loss and I am over 70.  I will not see my daughter in person but decided to talk to her by phone.  She totally lives in the past.  She blames me for every misjudgement in her life.  Now she is blaming me for giving her a gift of $30,000 when my husband died.  As usual , this has ruined her life.  I thought I was being helpful but she does not listen to any suggestions I make.  She indulges in risky behavior and part of that is so I get a rise out of whatever she is doing.  When she mentioned the money I gave her, I became irate.  And then she hung up on me.  Later, via text, she said her phone lost its charge.  I do not believe her because soon there after she started texting me.  What to do, I feel the sting of her hanging up as it feels like a slap in my face.  I really do not wish to maintain my relationship with her.  She lies, she goes back to her childhood to complain, saying that is when I started to disengage with her.  For now, I just do not want to talk to her.  I do not feel like giving her money in a few weeks when it is her birthday.  She is so very ungrateful about me sending her money 9 years ago when my husband passed that I will send her a card with no more money.  I feel she is very ungrateful and I do not want to feed into her complaints.

[Spirit2008]

What can I do different?

[Bubulous]

Does she do drugs that you are aware of?  I wish that you had sought guidance before giving her that money because whether she is or isnt on drugs recieving that amount could cause a manic break through.  I am sure you didn't know that but so you understand, that is why she blames you.  If it is a drug thing than she will blame you for giving her the capability to relapse hard.... Which means thr money to get so high that she could not do it again once the money is gone which will cause a peraon who does drugs to continue trying anyway.  If ahe is not on drugs than the money still could have triggered a manic episode and the principle is still the same.  A manic episode triggered by a monetary excitement cannpt be reached again either.  I know this because I went through both in my lifetime.  The va compensated me 36000 dollars when I was used to loving off about 200 a month.  That enabled me to have a violent drug relapse.  Later social security backpayed me thousands and that triggered a manic episode.  Both times I had to go inpatient at the psych hospital.  Now then, as for what you can do now:  if she did hang up with you it may not have been because she was trying to hurt you.  Sometimes we do it to keep from hurting our friends and family.  It seems rude bit we fear an emotional outburst.  I know this as well because I had to block a couple numbers just tonight because I was angry with those people and if they had called me or texted me I dont think I could have controlled myself.  I know you care about her and I hope this helps.  You can't go back and change the gift that you gave her which maybe it seems like she didnt appreciate.  That is the short answer.  This is a relationship issue that is going to take time to heal so please come back and talk some more because not I or anyone can really tell you a simple answer to it.  We can just help you by listening and giving you some of our experiences and advice as you go.  If you do give her money for her birthday then give it and forget about it.  That is the healthy thing for you to do.  Give freely without anticipating the consequences good or bad.  If you usually do give money for her birthday that is my advice.  If you change that now she will definitely have a reaction to that.  I dont want you to find out later that it isn't her fault she will struggle until she doesn't.  It isn't your fault either.  This is a common thing with bipolar from what I have seen in myself and many others.

[achillea]

Same story here.  Our  nearly 40 year old son remembers feeling no love in the family, and has virtually no pleasant memories of his childhood (although we adored him, and we did have a lot of fun together).  Currently, being severely afflicted with paranoia, he is consumed by rage against what he remembers as horrible mistreatment and even outright abuse.

At his demand, we are completely estranged from him and have not seen him for over two years, yet we hear from others who know him that he feels even now that we, the monsters who raised him, are stalking him, ready to persecute him even more.

[ndry]

Sorry this happened. You are not alone. We had the same situation. Our child had a perfectly happy and loving childhood. Popular in school with teachers and students. No childhood traumas.  Yet, she blames me (mother) for her illness.It started in puberty. No BP in close family history, nor mental illness that we know of.
We took child to a psych-Doc. after odd and angry behavior.  He told us child was having "Social-Developmental problems" Later had to drop out of college with BP. Mis-diagnosis by Psych Doc. Later graduated with honors from another school. I think the blame of parents is due to paranoia that often accompanies BP. It is always some other person causing the problem that they may be having at the time, be it parents, doctors, employers or "friends". Not sure the Docs really know or understand this disease. Meds will help and patients can have a normal life, if they will stay on them, and if they are regularly and closely monitored by MedDocs, and Psyh-Docs. Often, for some reason, they quit meds. Disease seems to have no rhyme or rhythm. It happens in families with no history and families with history. It happens in bad family situations and good family situations. All the best to those out there suffering, both families and patients. indry

[Burntout2323]

  Hi there,
I am also a mom, now 61, of one of my children out of 5, and she is BP.
Needless to say, it has been a very, very, very, difficult life.  For my most
beautiful daughter who just turned 30 yesterday !  I'm beside myself......
looking for a support group here in Victoria BC....I honestly, being with
chronic fatigue and fibromyolgia for 20 yrs. now...and my husband, her dad
committed sucicide almost 11 yr. now...have tried so many things, and I
am so so so soooooooooo totaly exhausted. !!  The ministry or system
dosen't really help at all............I'm at the end of my rope....and wish
to help my daughter ..but truly have no strength left to do that...although
I keep pushing myself to help her.  Not sure what to do.?  Have tried many
things....like she lived with caregivers at times for lot's of years.and ..regardless, now she can no longer live with a caregiver...and
is jumping from one shelter to another !!  And mostly staying with me!
I really need some help...........I wish I had more strength to continue...
I don't.  Any suggestions ? Honestly, I have gone beyond...and I'm sure
that you understand.  I'm looking for a support group in Victoria BC...
haven't found one yet.  Believe me...and I know that you understand...
there really seems to be NO HELP !!  So SAD FOR MY DAUGHTER
AND FOR ME....my other children are very worried....and so am I.
    Signed...............feeling Hopless to help.
      Thanks .............maybe you have some idea's...I'm not dead yet.  And my daughter....well, very depressed...and still doesn't get real life
as of yet.  
                     All the best to you.  xxoxoxoxoxoox

[momofBP]

Thank you so much, guys! I really wish my daughter will join your forum one day. You seem like a very friendly and thoughtful group of people who really want and determined to get well or  at least better. You definitely deserve a lot of respect.

Does somebody know a support group on the Internet for parents of BP besides NAMI?

[horselover65]

You consider yourself a good, devoted mother. Not all mothers (or parents) are like that. It is hard to be in your situation and it is hard to be in hers. At some point, she will likely come to some realizations about her upbringing. Even if she doesn't, bear in mind that we all perceive things differently and often remember them differently as well. Hopefully, she will stop focusing on blame and concentrate on health instead. But, it may take a boatload of patience and love from you before she gets to that point. Sometimes I think it's harder to be ya'll than it is to be us.

I have a sister who is also bipolar. My parents were so overwhelmed and worn out from dealing with me that they were lousy parents to her. I really do. She was trouble almost straight out of the womb. They each have some unaddressed, unacknowledged issues, but the focus was on how screwed up the kids were...and that wasn't particularly helpful. (The saying at my house: Pack your bags; you're going on a guilt trip). My sister is almost young enough to be my daughter, so I was an adult when her problems started. At one point, my husband and I contemplated trying to get custody of her because she was so out of control. She's in prison now. Not for the first time. She says she doesn't blame them... Point is that some parents tolerate or even cultivate an unhealthy environment and when they do, I think they have some responsibility - not that it matters in the end. When there are multiple issues, there's a lot of room for a sick or lazy or incompetent parent to have missed the chance to exert the positive, healthy influence that most parents agree is best for children.  

I wish you the best with your daughter. Hang in there.  

[monkeyc]

Its natural to look for someone to blame, but ultimately as has already been said its her responsobility to start accepting what she is and who she is - denial and blame don't work.

As for kids blaming parents, thats natural as well though I never blamed my mother for my BP, she was as well so how could I.

[alikat1205]

you can't.  it is her issue.  i have a 13 yo bp daughter.  she has to find some sense in a world that makes no sense.  there has to be a reason, and you are it (as am i).  they lash out to the person most likely to take it and not leave, you - mom.  it stinks, but it is precisely b/c you are a good devoted mother that she takes it out on you.  she trusts you to continue to love her through the hell she is in and puts you and herself through.  all you can do is know it, love her anyway, be there to do what you can.  you can't change how she feels.  you just can't.