I wish I could stick around to answer that but I am going to talk to you when I get back from my therapis in about 5-6 hours. Life is hard, I know. I have seen some of the worst it can throw at somebody. I hope you get to feeling better and I hope you are on later.
Because human life is sacred. Because it will hurt everyone around us who love and/or care about us immensely, and who knows what such an action would lead them to do? (Even if it sometimes seems like no one does care, there's always someone out there who does.) No matter what life tosses at us, we have to at least try to make it through. Sometimes it's hard to see the light on the other side of the tunnel, sometimes impossible even, but it's always there.
Life isn't easy, but it is worth it. You only know the past and the present, but if you were to commit suicide, who knows what you would miss out on. If I had given up and committed suicide a few years ago, I would have missed out on so much good in my life after years of deep depression. For me, it would've been a future where I learned to recognize my triggers and how to deal with my episodes enough to avoid most of them. For me, it would have been a wonderful group of friends who have become such a great support group for me and a wonderful, caring boyfriend who genuinely wants to see me happy in life and has stuck it through the episodes, my crazy family, and so much more. For you, it might be seeing yourself reach that goal of building a healthy and productive life you mention wanting in your profile. For you, it might be achieving your goal of helping others.
Because life is also precious and beautiful. Everybody has a purpose. I have yet to find my own but when I do I know it will inspire me with the drive and determination I need to keep going. Go outside and get some sun. Go to the park and watch the kids play. Surround yourself with life and it will help you heal. I hope you feel better soon.
Hi Nick, I agree with livefreewithlove. I have seen people fight so hard to live and when they don’t it takes something out of you (a portion of your life). These were tough young people who made a great sacrifice. Death is not the answer Nick you do what you must to get through this. Fight as hard as they did. Besides I will not have anyone to send notes too : )
I could not have said it better, surround yourself with life.
Hi everyone, I am sorry if I have been insensitive and selfish to throw my feeling out here. Seriously I was really depressed these days and thinking about all the rut I am in doesn't make me any better. I have had tried in the past, things changed, life became better... and my life was turned upside down once again because of some senseless bickering and narrow-minded people that throw their **** at me, and these people are the closest to me. That's why i care the **** for them.
I am not really close to my relatives, not even my two sisters. We don't even meet up in a year, so that explains why life can be really harsh to me. Because I have nothing now - no car/house, my girlfriend despised me and left me, after all my care, love and energy spent on the relationship. I think that was very selfish and mean for her to say that. Currently I am looking for work and this is the most stressful time of my life, especially when no company is calling. While I figure out how to pay my mba course, and living expenses, I definitely need to get things going. I hope that I wouldn't be depressed after all these while.
Sometimes, I ask myself if I have been doing my best for myself and family, and the answer is always not that clear-cut in black and white. And this leaves me pondering about my existence. Why am I here on earth? For myself or others or no one at all?
I am not playing the victim here, but through my extreme childhood abuse and ditched by my father, I am particularly cautious about a healthy relationship. And when my relationship went awfully wrong with my mom, which for no apparent reasons she would threw all the **** at me... i almost went mad trying to find the answer for that...
Guys, I just wanna say sorry for being at that stage of desperation and hopelessness. I know I deserve better in life and these people that I love just wouldn't let me off with their ****. Sometimes I feel that a lot of karmic reactions were from my parents whom I had to shoulder and pay for... Can't they just leave me alone for a while? I just want to get out of this karmic cycle of life. So what if I get a job? I still would stuck be in this cycle of suffering...
Thank you everyone for your care and concern. I appreciate that and it really made me feel better that I know at least someone care.
I am not one of those people that therapy works for, for me my illness is 75% chemical, 25% past hurt and stress. I think it would really benefit you..I'll be blunt if I may..
You need some help and guidance, not because of you, or your illness, but help in purging these people and their **** out of your life!
You come across that you are resigned to it..you are trying to cope with things that you shouldn't be even giving the time of day!
I obviously know very little about you, but I feel that no matter how hard you try you will never be able to improve the situation with your family, like you said why can't they leave you alone? I hope I don't sound rude or judgemental but you are too good for this crap!
It's as though you are the easy target! I don't want to comment about your ex girlfriend as it is between the 2 of you and very personal, but nothing that you did made her leave, she just isn't the right one for you...
I am really concerned for you that is why I am talking quite harsh, you'll see from my answers to people's posts that I am soft and caring, but if I feel a certain way I can get quite vexed..
Your childhood was stolen from you, do not let them take your adulthood!
I know this is a lot easier said than done, but there must be help out there for this kind of stuff..I wish I could stand right beside you and get all these people to f off!!!!!
We all really do care, I know it's from the inside of a computer but just think there's me all the way from North East England praying for you, and I'm not religious LOL! and all the other's that are here, all from different corners of the world, united in caring whether you live or die..it's pretty amazing isn't it??
HUGS!!! I'm gonna stop now I think I've said enough...YOU KNOW WHERE WE ARE :)))
Firstly, I am so sorry that you are in this position, and feel that this may be the only way out. I know that this is cliche and you have probably heard this a million times in the last few weeks/years etc but really things will get better, however though you do have to change your way of thinking.
I lost a school friend and a cousin through suicide, its a heart wrenching, devastating thing that my family have never and will never recover from. I know it may seem the best way out, but believe me from someone who suffers from depression and bipolar and have had these thoughts, it really isn't.
I used to have a lot of "mum" issues, she used to throw her s**t at me constantly, I have and it has taken many years learnt to just let it slide off me. I am the important one, and I have to look after myself! If not, then who else really will.
I have also had people come and go in my life over the years, and I figure the ones who stick around and make the effort are the ones I want most in my life. True they don't understand my "mental health" and don't try to, but I understand this and seek advice/comfort elsewhere.
I did think about suicide on and off for years, but having been through an experience of losing people I care about to it, I realise that it for me at least is not the way to go. I have changed my thinking so that if something bad happens I think why has this happened not oh great me again! I have had a broken dislocated, and ruptured ligaments injury to my ankle since April, I have had up and down times, but have had complications and now have an infection to the point where I was hospitalised for 10 days and have to wear an IV 24 hours a day. I have to have another operation in a few weeks and although when describing it people go oh gosh that's terrible etc etc, I just think well there must be a reason for it, and to be honest I think its to slow down and smell the roses, take time out to look at my family (I have a husband and two boys), and enjoy my time with them.
Life is precious, but only if you really stop and take a deep breath, if you're running late for something take a breath and go well I'm running late anyways, so try not to stress, you will get a job, but think about the job you really want, and it will happen.
I have been reading The Power and The Secret, and have found these have helped me a huge lot.
Also if others pile their s**t on you, its because they need to offload it and without knowing it are hurting you in the process, I used to flair up angrily when this used to happen, now I just know what's happening and let it stop with me and not take it out on anyone.
I really do hope you feel better soon, and this forum is great to talk/vent/even just say hello.
I know I haven't been feeling well and that's why i went to the psyc and was diagnosed with BPD2. It's really not a good feeling to always project my love outwards to these people, as my 'little' emotion crave for people to love me. Sadly, that's something I don't even get from my own family. With so many downturns and ****** moments with them, I am not very opened to sharing my emotions or offer my love to them anymore, because there are many positive benefits for myself if I love myself more, care for myself, building self-esteem and confidence one step at a time, so I can build a lovely & supportive family in the future for myself.
Since young around 12 yrs old, I have always wanted a nice family I can call my own. I think it's because I was never showered with love in my own family. That explains my outward love towards others, expecting them to love me back, and of course it backfired sometimes.
I am reading a book called "Breaking the Patterns of Depression" by Michael Yapko. This is really a classic and it teaches me to adjust my perspectives of life and frame them into separate 'boxes' like career, family, love, etc. So that when we face problems with either one of these, none of the rest is affected.
In Singapore, I don't really see many psyc/psychologists armed with different tools to help me move forward. That's why I think it is important for myself to get info and learn things on my own. However, the setback is that I don't get to discuss with people and thus may be less effective.
I like your statement about my childhood taken away, and don't let them take away my adulthood too. It really knocks some sense into me, i must say. Sometimes it's still a blessing in disguise.. because I have had so many issues that my former gf didn't like - she's such a unpleasant person to please. Happily, I must also say that having freedom now is the best thing in life... at this stage... though I like to have my own family with a loving wife and few kids, I guess it's critical for me now not to miss out on my freedom. Basically I could do anything to please myself and not subjected to these people's 'unpleasantness'.
Thanks for your prayer looloo. And I hope you have a good time with your family. Take care and really appreciative about your words and care!!!!!
Thanks Fizzy74 for your care and concern. I never know how devastating losing a friend/relative through suicide can be, because this has never happened to me before. Strangely enough, I have been thinking of suicides on/off for many years now. Or to be upfront, I attempted suicide when I was a child, because my daily experiences back then was beatings/mental abuse/physical abuse and worse sexual abuse by few of my 'close' friends. With some of my recollection that has been 'erased' as the experience was too intense. I was left alone at home for two weeks without food. My mom and younger left home for my grandma's place. My dad run away with another women, and my elder sis left home too. That two weeks was hell. Nobody came... no food and I was only 8 yrs old. I didn't know how I survived through my childhood. If you wanna know how bad the abuse is, my dad as a construction supervisor would kick me with his construction boots, and his belts for an outright 30mins in each beating. Daily? Yes? How severe? Just imagine how much an 8 year old kid can take? Sounds bad, right? Yes, all these happened to me in my childhood. I know that being helpless is a bad situation and being hopeless is even worse. How can I not be suicidal?
I believe in The Power and the Secret. I even have audio files for The Secret. I know this sounds old and really I am getting sick of talking about it. Many times I wanted to make my family happy, they always say undeserving things either of themselves or me. I felt so worthless with them around. I know they suffered worse off than me when young, but things have changed and people have moved on. My mom would talk about how abusive my dad was 25 years ago... and how hard their lives are in their childhood. Well, if having a better, productive, and healthy life is so difficult now, I don't understand why they would wanna turn back the clock and live in that 'past reality'. This is insane isn't it?? I tried comprehend why would anyone in the right frame of mind would want the 'worse' to happen to them or their family? Now, can someone tell me who wouldn't go crazy??
Fizzy, I always believe in positive thinking and good things will turn out well when we control our mind. I practiced that a lot last year. But I was swept off the ground when my mom and I would quarrel for no reasons... just imagine I would bring her out for meals almost every other day of the week. There we will be quarreling... always.. And it's not that I wasn't doing my part as a good son, I even gave her thousands of dollars for monthly allowance and all utilities bills are paid by me. Crazy right? Okay, I am beginning to sound like an old record, even myself wanna puke about all these old stories.
Now, I feel like a free bird. No one to answer to... just get a job and work hard at it. No one to command me to do anything and I don't owe anyone anymore. Good feeling. I feel so empowered about my own life. That's kinda amazing right? Days ago, you know I had this intense depression that I really wanted to jump (life will have no suffering when that happens), now I so detest my 'beloved' people's bickering, sneering, criticism, insults... Thank goodness i have my dog!!
Anyway Fizzy, thank you very much for your kind advice and good encouragement. I need them very much if not I wouldn't be around anymore. Thank you ...
My dog has kept me from suicide before. They are furry little angels. (although I hesitate to call mine an angel as he is quite mischievious). I come from an abusive family (although not nearly as abusive as yours). I found reading John Bradshaw's book Healing the Shame that Binds really helped. Sometimes our family of origin is so screwed up we need to set up really strong boundaries to protect ourselves.
I hope you find a job soon. It is a tough economy out there.
Suicide is a permanent fix to a temporary problem. It will rob you of a life yet to be lived. I have heard people with bipolar say it is inevitable before and those same people a year later are talking about their lives in happier terms.
When you get a job it would be a good thing to start seeing a psychologist. Considering your background I would see a psychologist or masters or doctor's of social work versus a therapist. They have a bit more training than a therapist which is usually a 2 year after degree program focussed on marriage and family counselling.
You are a fighter. You survived the beatings, you got an education, you will be okay again. Promise.
Thanks for your advice. I love dogs and they are such adorable animals. I am actually very happy being alone. Being alone gives me so much inner peace and quietness. Looking at the endless fast-paced society of ours makes me more like seeking refuge elsewhere. I have always dreamt of having my own farm, a cottage house and nice family.
Am I sounding depressed again? Yes, I am depressed again. Contributing factor? I was up all night with my high school lady friend after she was ditched, and oh man.. she was so negative and I didn't sleep a wink that night. For a BPD2, the damage is unimaginable, and I am not going to do it again! Sleep is my right and time is critical to me.
I know I am a fighter but the fight seemed endless. I need to build on my faith once again to survive through this. It wouldn't be the depression that caused my suicide, but would be the hopeless future and helpless self that determine that.
I didnt get to read all the posts underneath your original one, but I agree with your initial post. Why is it wrong to commit suicide if you suffering each any every day, trying new tecniques to get better but nothing works? Im only 17 but when I dread having to put all my energy in making it through the day and pretty much have no future...why is it wrong? Death is a new journey...sometimes I feel like there is more hope in the new journey of death than in this messed up life.
Why is it wrong for me to commit suicide? Because life is precious and there is always hope. No matter how bad the situation gets just don't ever give up. I have been on the same situation but I managed to get out of it and become better with the help of a good doctor and the love and understanding of my family and friends. You might also find this site helpful for informations : http://www.bipolardisordersigns.com/bipolar-depression.shtml
Hello jcook, i hope you are feeling well, not comatose about life. I share your feelings about life. I don't want to dive into it because that will make both of us more depressed. The reason I am still alive is that I know I have the ability to change my life, and I have been through so much in my childhood, I have already come so far, why end it now? As we speak now, I am kinda crying inside, because I feel really hopeless and helpless in life. I don't see my path and directions anymore, because I know I will still end up in square one. I feel I need to make a change in my thought process, and behaviors. If things can't work out, why must I still use the same methods again? Try something else... i feel. Easy said, but good to try.
I don't expect a lot from my life, but just a peaceful loving family. I am actually happy with just a normal car and comfortable house, with a farmland, and working hard at them. I don't expect high-classy dinners or grandiose events, but just simple and nice-happy get-together with friends and loved ones. But everyone in my family and people here are cold and indifferent, even my two sisters. I am not even close to my two biological sisters. We seldom talked and in the past I always initiated family dinners together in the hope of bonding the family, because i believe a family is the basic foundation of a meaningful and fulfilling life. I lost my job last Dec and after that, we never had dinners together anymore. I believe you agree with me some of the traumas and negative life experiences that we went through...
I may not be the best person to talk about going forward with life, since I am pretty depressed and hoping to end it all. But I have found hope in this forum that I am not the only one that's suffering. There are a lot more people who are suffering ... many of them badly. With BPD2, I watch my sleep, and exercise and I must say I really feel a lot better with ample sleep and exercises. Almost daily I would be depressed and sometimes cry in my heart. Why should I live on and who am I living for? I hope to make a change slow and steady each day, considering I know i have bipolar. And i shouldn't rush as that may backfire.
Thank you for your concern and advice. I learn that depression is like the Rorschach Inkblot (google it if you are unsure) where everyone has a different perception to it. Sometimes I am just so locked up in my own world of perception and thinking. Because things that I tried to change are so difficult to change, thus reinforcing my helplessness and hopelessness about life which resulted in depression and sometimes chronic depression.
Anyway, I hope to be on the way to successful recovery because the skill-sets and knowledge I learn about depression now will help me in many of life's circumstances.
There is a popular bumper sticker that says "Life is a *****, and then you die". To people who are not depressed, the bumper sticker is amusing. Those of us who are depressed here (maybe many), we tend to nod in solemn agreement.
Oh god, can't you make away with the 'depressed genes'?
I have always had a rather strong will to live my whole life I guess. As far back as I can remember, I have always immediately jumped out of bed even though I'm half asleep the moment I wake up and even though I'm extremely jaded now. I also was clinically dead for what I'm told was a good five minutes when I was a month old and yet here I am so even though I had thoughts of suicide (that antipsychotics made go away) a great deal of my life thinking I'd be better off than I am now with all the things wrong with me, I've never seriously accepted it as a solution and never believed in it except one time where I had to be hospitalized because I had obsessive thoughts of suicide just because I was tired of living and wasn't sure of what my next actions would be in regards to anything. I suffer from a psychotic disorder so this sometimes happens because I can lose varying degrees of insight into everything. I didn't even feel sad or depressed either. I was just tired of living.
Its funny what a difference a day or two can make. Only a few days ago we were pulling you Nickeldoor away from the brink and now you're helping someone else..
I don't know about anyone else but what is scaring me now is how impulsive my suicidal thoughts are. I used to progressively get worse, where the depression would get worse every day and eventually I'd see no option but to end it. I don't know if its because I have tried and failed to take my life, each time being found and having to deal with the aftermath which basically has taught me that I can't deal with my kids asking me if I'd prefer to be dead than be alive for them, the only parent they have. This has stopped me actually doing the deed, but it hasn't stopped me thinking of ways to ensure I'm not found, or to take the right cocktail to stop my heart or to stop me being sick so the pills definitely work. I was 11 when I first tried to take my life, so its kind of become a way of life. The only change now is that I don't progressively get worse, my mood switches from high to low or mixed, or something happens and I just go " I know, I'll cut my wrists! That will sort it " very impulsive, and very pathetic.
In response to your comment on the bumper sticker, its amazing how nonchalantly people use the phrase "im going to kill myself" or phrases of the like. I used to cut myself and my mom found out, and the other day we were on a family vacation and my grandma asked to borrow a razor and my mom jokingly said "what are you gonna cut your wrists?!" and I could tell she caught herself in the middle of saying it cause she just kinda put her head down and walked away...becuase i was standing right next to her...
My friends also know that I used to, and they constantly are like uughhh im gonna kill myself or jesus im just gonna cut my wrists...they are completely kidding, but dont even know how lightly they talk about these issues that are so heavy in our minds
That's because they don't do it themselves so they don't have a full understanding of the issue at hand. I'm not trying to give them excuses for their irresponsible behavior but I'm just trying to give a little insight into why they do it.
Sorry to hear about your state. I guess when humans went through much sufferings and pain in life, we tend to pull back and just wonder what this life is all about. I almost killed myself when I was around 7-8 years old. My dad found a rope and a chair in my room, which I was preparing to end it all. There were few times I was just standing on the ledge of my 15 levels building... all just preparing to end it all.
These few days, I asked myself if I am ready to end it now. The answer is yes, but in my heart I know that I have been through so much and overcame them... if i end it now, how can I prove to myself that I am capable. Now I am older, I have all the power and control in my life, and if I need to shout at anyone that's standing in my way, I will do so... why would I allow them to affect my life. When I get a job, I would move out from my place and be at peace with myself for few months. I am so sick of humans...
Thanks for your concern, my friend. I know myself well and I would say I care for people and love the world. But as I age, I found that the world is not that perfect as I would like it to be. It's very depressing to see what human beings can do to each other. It's even more depressing when humans have evolve to become indifferent and intolerant of each other.
It's real that I wanted to end it all these days. I don't see myself going anywhere - so helpless and hopeless about the future. I don't want to see anyone these days. I like being alone... just being alone and be quiet. Maybe I am exhausted or maybe i am drained out. I don't really know the answer but I just wouldn't see anyone.
Helping others is a privilege, I always believe. Not everyone can help or has the ability or knowledge to help. Thus, when I feel better, it would be a good time to help and recover from that process.
Sometimes I feel I carry the karma from my parents, and I have to suffer for them. If I am still haven't found any job by Oct, I would leave for Thailand for a month's meditation... to be at peace myself and close up to the world for the time being. I used to live in Thailand for almost 5 years before returning to Singapore. That's where I found peace and sanctuary.
I know you are going through a tough time especially with your college coming soon. As I mentioned in my PM, there's so much you could do to help yourself, and if no one around you helping you, you should be extra cautious about symptoms and triggers. I am beginning to understand triggers and stressors, and it's easier to identify them now, just like i never wanna to talk to my mom or discuss anything with her, because if I do so, I would become very depressed very fast. I also found out that I am depressed-prone to certain people, like people who like to shout and control others, like my ex-gf. There were many instances where I simply fell into depression and slept throughout the day (hypersomnia).
Pretty happy that I am alone now. Oh god give me peace and may all these people around me just shut up and be invisible... darn it.
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