bewildered

[dwray1]

My wife recently went from telling me "you are the love of my life" to "I want out" in a matter of less than 24 hours.  She has been taking Celexa for the past few years but never sees a doctor or has had the medication dosage changed.  I have noticed, over the past 4-5 months, there were times when I would be talking to her and her eyes would glaze over and then she would snap back. Her moods sway from "I love you" to "I can't be in the same room with you". I have offered to go to counseling but she refuses saying that I would never change, although I am not sure that any major issues with me have led to this juncture.  Divorce seems to be a drastic solution if communication was the issue and we have never gone to counseling.
She is 180 degrees from the person she was just a few weeks ago.  We have been together over 12 years  and it has been a great relationship.  She now wants to get off the Celexa by using vitamins and minerals from a program called "The Road Back".  She tried once before, although she did not tell me, and said she became almost suicidal.
I have read about bi-polar disorder and given the sudden turn around, I wonder if this might be happening.  I am stunned by this, needless to say and am completely blind-sided.  She is to start a Ph.D program in a few weeks and thinks she can work 40 hours, do the Ph.D, study etc by herself, all of a sudden.
I AM at wits ends and broken-hearted.

[RJ233]

Consult with a psychairist. You can make an appointment with one just to discuss the situation. He would know her status pretty well by what you have observed and give you direction as to the best options to help her. A person can hide the explosion they feel on the inside until the bubble bursts. For me, as a bubble bust, it was nearly the end of me. It was so extreme that my blood pressure went so high the ambulance sat in the yard trying to get it down to keep me from having a stroke, before they would proceed to the hospital. I was so scared when I did finally come to some what of a reality that I slept sitting against the wall. There was a woman in an isolated room screaming, "They're going to kill me. Please help me". I was thinking the same thing. Now I look back and think how close I came to having a cooked brain. I did hurt myself. I thought the nurses did it to me and would have swore to it. I had a big deep gash on the top of my hand. My daughter said she saw me do it. She said I clawed myself. It was a heck of a claw, very deep and not a little place either. I have a scar. I look at it and it scares me to think about that episode. I rubbed my head against the wall of my room until I had a big raw spot. That I know I did. I don't know that I could go through that again. I was like that right under my husband's eyes and he had no idea that I was in such a state. Everything was so real that to this day, I think some of those things happened, because that is what I thought I saw. I know I was in another world, but it is hard to dispute what you see. That is why I said, if you think she is in a bad mental state, make an appointment for yourself to speak with a doctor about the situation. It surely can't hurt. I had litterly been through Hell in my life since birth and was tough enough to survive it and raise 3 children alone that are fine adults. I was beat 14 yrs, being thrown into a window, backwards over a bed rail, hit across my throat and have a voice box that is partially paralized, among much more, by their father. Through the grace of God, I made it. I have a great husband that I have been with for 21 yrs. My episode happened during my new marriage. I don't understand why, but it did. It was the most horrible experience of my life. If there is any way to help prevent her from going through any of it, I would try to do my best. Let me know how things are going. I sure hope that everything goes well.
RJ    

[bernie40]

Hi, sorry I wasn't around yesterday to answer your post.  If she is not doing physical harm to herself or others I doubt if you will be able to get her admitted to psychiatric unit.  Your question about whether or not she will apologise at some point - I can only answer from my own personal experience and this is that I felt so very ashamed and guilty about my behaviour and yes I did apologise for the way I made everybody feel but I also explained that I was not aware at the time how horrid I was being and a lot of it I could not remember.

As I have said in my notes to you all you can really do is observe and then be ready to catch her when she falls, that will be when you can get her to a doctor and get her the right medication.  These manic phases can vary in length of time, I had an unusual phase that lasted nearly a year with intermittent mixed states, the depression that hit lasted a lot longer and I really hope she does not get one like that, it nearly finished me

Try and be yourself with her when she returns, make no statements, judgements or ask "risky" questions.  Ask her if she had a nice time and tell her you missed her and its nice to have her back.  I shall be thinking of you.

[dwray1]

I don't know if I have enough to force her into medical treatment.  She won't go on her own and, now, trying to get off her anti-depressants by herself won't help matters.

I don't know when or if she will get through this stage she is going through and I am not sure I will know.

[RJ233]

Dave,
I know this is a horrible situation, but hold on there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Once your wife is on medication that stables her condition, she will change in her attitudes and how she thinks. If she loved you before this, then her love for you should still be there. I wasn't happy about how I treated my husband and I told him I didn't mean it.We don't always remember everything we say, but we do remember how we felt, then wonder why. We do tend to hurt the ones we love, because they are the ones taking the brunt of the situation. I'm sure her parents are not helping the situation.

You can take action as her husband. That is what mine and my daughter did to me. They went to the magistrate and told him my condition and I could cause harm to myself. The police and ambulance came. The policeman put me in the ambulance. I thought they were trying to kill me. Sometimes the best decision is not the easiest. She won't be too happy with you at that time, but once the medication takes affect, she will be more rational. I still have my good days and bad and I will get angry for no real reason, it is just my mood swings. A psychiatrist is more educated on handling bi-polar than a regular medical doctor. A counselor plays a big role too, atleast it does for me. I had a hard time opening up to talk about everything, but for me it is my sounding board and helps to release stress. The whole situation is no bed of roses, and she will need your support and understanding. You have to keep in mind that it is a true illness.  Do you have any grown children or a friend to help with the decision of what course of action to take? That would help you. You could set up an appointment with a phychiatrist and talk to him, then you would already have a doctor for her, which is probably a good idea. They have a service here called Physician Referral. They help you find a physician, giving you his educational background and how long he has been practicing.Maybe they have one there.
  
It takes a while to level out. Medicine that works for one person does not always work for another and the doctor adjusts them until he finds what works for his patient. Still as time goes by, he may have to make more changes.

I hope this helps you, and opens the door to understanding what the illness is about. Anger and hate expressed during her unstable situations, is a reactiion. I was bad too. My husband told me later that he was going to leave me, but after thinking about it, he realized that I needed him. He was right, I did and do. I'm not the sweetest person  
every day, but he knows I'll get over it. Let me know how things are going and try not to let her insults sink in, just keep in your mind that she is not herself.
RJ

[dwray1]

I hope you are getting along well.  I have a question to ask.  My wife will return on the 19th and, of course, I have no idea what to expect.  If, indeed, my wife is bi-polar or manic depressive, would there come a time when she would come in and apologize for what she has put me through or will I just notice a change in behavior?

Dave

[dwray1]

Helen:

I hope you are getting along well.  I have a question to ask.  My wife will return on the 19th and, of course, I have no idea what to expect.  If, indeed, my wife is bi-polar or manic depressive, does there come a time when she would come in and apologize for what she has put me through or will I just notice a change in behavior?

Dave

[dwray1]

At least you realized there was a problem and went for help.  My wife won't consider counseling, psychiarist or anything.  Now she has quit the Celexa she has been taking for the past 5 years, the dosage has never been adjusted, and started using vitamins/minerals.  She left on a trip Aug. 6 and will return the 19th.  She has been with her parents, one has anger and alcohol issues and the mother is an alcoholic/drug abuser so I am sure they have enabled her while she was there.

She starts a Ph.D program the week of the 25th and now thinks she can go to classes, do the studing/work and work a 40 hour a week job.  I don't think I have seen the bottom yet for her but it shouldn't take long once school starts.

Her unpredictabilty makes trying to figure out what's next almost impossible.  She could come home the same as when she left, worse, better, moving out, staying etc. I just have no idea.  I have read a great deal about bi-polar and manic depressive disease.  She exhibits a lot of the characteristics of both.  

The hardest thing for me is the complete 180 degrees she has turned literally overnight. The frustrating thing is that I can't do anything but observe and react.  Any issues we had as a couple are now unsolvable, in her mind.  I didn't even know they were big issues since she now has told me she "swept things under the rug" but somehow I still should have known.  This is the most devastating thing I have ever experienced.

[RJ233]

I thought I was falling apart from circumstances, went to a psychiatrist, really just to get counseling. I was put on medication for bi-polar. Weeks went by and I decided I didn't need meds, so I stopped them. I totally fell apart. I could not tell real from unreal. It was horrifying. When a person's condition gets to a point they are maxed out, it can be harmful to them and or to others.I ended up in the hospital against my will. My doctor told my husband, I was lucky because people can get to that point and not come back. I don't know 3/4 of what I did.
Your wife reminds me of myself. Everything irritated me, and I loved just about everything at the same time. Moods become uncontrolable, controlling how you act, talk and think. It is not to be taken lightly. It can go on for days before you finally break. I have been there and I never want to be there again, but have seen times I don't want to take my meds. If you feel she is in real mental trouble, you can call a local mental hospital that you trust and tell them the problem. They will help you to get the proper care for her. That back and forth state towards you is not unusual. Don't let her go to the breaking point. Sometimes you have to take the step to help the one that can't help themself. I thought my husband was evil. Thinking is irrational. My husband stood by me, though I was ugly to him. Thank God. She needs you more now than ever.

[bernie40]

It does sound as if your wife is going through a manic phase and this won't have been helped by the celexa.  Speaking from the BPers perspective I doubt that she will listen to anything you say right now.  I recently did something very similar, came off my medication decided that vitamins were all I needed and that I could go back to work full-time and continue with my English Lit degree all at the same time as looking after my 4 children and running the home.  I convinced everyone around me that I was 100% better and that I was more than capable of doing all this.  When anyone tried to tell me that it wasn't a good idea (my pdoc included) I laughed them off or got cross with them.  I got myself a highly paid job and then went out and spent a fortune on new clothes etc which I was convinced I needed and a new car - money that I hadn't yet earned and that we certainly couldn't afford.  The trouble is when in a manic state anything and everything seems possible and problems just don't exist in the mind when manic.  My mania changed path with the sudden death of my gran, I turned on my family convinced that they were all "slighting" me in some way, I shut myself off from my husband and kids and told myself that I wouldn't cry I wouldn't show weakness that I could cope alone, 2 weeks later I broke down and ended up a blubbering wreck in the doctors office.

The point of all this?  There is not a lot you can do to stop the onslaught, I'm sorry but thats just the way it is.  All you can do is pick up the pieces when she falls and get her to the pdoc then.  Try and persuade her to see a pdoc now but don't be surprised if she refuses or if she does go she will not be truthful with them.

Another thing and you probably won't like this - are you sure that her wish to divorce is all a manifestation of her mania?  You say you have been happy for the last 12 years but has she really been happy, so often you hear of couples breaking up and the one partner was completely unaware that there was any problem.  Could it be that she finally found the courage to say something and is now on a natural "high" from this.  It could be that she is just very focused on where she wants her life to go right now, there is no reason why she couldn't work and do her Phd, a lot of people do.

It is too easy to blame everything on bipolar or other mental health issues and this is a bit of a bug bear for me so just keep a close eye and be sure.  I really hope for your sake (though not for hers) that this a bp phase and that you are both able to come through it.  Wishing you all the best

[leisel]

I'm so sorry you are going through this with your wife. I'm going through the same thing with my husband.

One thing that stands out here is that your wife has been taking Celexa.  This is an anti-depressant as you know, which should not be prescribed to people who have BP disorder.  Antidepressants can tip them into mania, especially if used alone.

Do you suspect this is what is going on here?  The antidepressant use can be disastrous, and although there seems to be some controversy on that, it is not recommended for treatment.

Also, women who have BP tend to depress first, and enter a manic phase next---usually the opposite pattern in men--so this BP possibility could be suspect if this does turn out to be her first manic episode (depressed earlier if she was put on Lexapro)?  This "synchs" with the usual gender pattern of BP, so something to consider there as well.


I really loved my husband, and the kids really loved their dad.  We mistook the "you are the love of my life", "I'm here to support our beautiful family always" as the real deal.  I now believe it was simply euphoric hypomania talking and that quickly advanced into a very abusive, full-blown mania that has lasted 10 months now and counting. $300K later, we are broke and will be picking up these pieces for probably the rest of our lives.  

If this does turn into mania, which it sounds like it already has, don't engage in any arguing with her, as mania is a freight train and will mow you down no matter how reasonable and sane you are with her.

Her behavior toward you from red hot to cold is exactly what my husband did when he first entered his current mania.  My husband is currently undiagnosed, but has had such a prolonged mania that included financial ruin, delusions and psychotic features, the mania is unmistakable now--so it would be hard not to diagnose him BP I.  BUT, he went to a pdoc (psychiatrist) and told the pdoc he had breathing problems from high anxiety and panic. Left out the 10-month mania part.  Pdoc prescribed him Lexapro ONLY.  This will probably push him back into mania when he was just starting to naturally come down from his manic episode.  The kids and I are standing by for another doozy--and are devastated to hear he's manipulated the pdoc.

My reason for pressing this is because there is nothing that can be more financially, emotionally, psychologically and even physically devastating than "missing" the signs of an oncoming manic episode.  Please make sure you have access to all accounts--all of them. Get everything in your name and out of hers that you can if you see this escalating.  My husband spent everything we had, ruined my mother's finances, and bled tens of thousands of equity from my separate home--because I mistook his preceding hypomania for a really great marital relationship, and trusted it entirely.  I was completely hit head-on with full blown mania within no time, and suddenly, he saw me as "evil", out to get him, refused to support at all, left the kids and me without so much as grocery money--no joke.  He's refuses to see or call or talk to even our kids, and took on others, callling them his "real family". Showered the new kids (adults) with money (I'm talking tens of thousands), gifts, canceling our insurance and now paying theirs, never ever caring or communicating--and he lives right down the street.  Death threats to me and all.  Our children abandoned and grief-stricken and in counseling for dealing with a BP parent's mania and getting educated about what it is.  Me still trying to find a job. My savings is almost gone and son developed grand mal seizures--psychogenic cause due to major loss/grief reaction.

In other words, it can affect severely every facet of your life.  Prepare for it and get legal help the minute you feel in your gut you should, and maybe even earlier.

Sorry to be such an alarmist, but we got hammered with lifetime effects of a BP manic episode, so I don't take it lightly when I hear someone else's spouse heading the same direction as mine.

God bless and take care of yourself and I hope this passes for you soon.

[Venora Moonwind]

She sounds bi polar but only an evaluation from a psychitrist would be able to find this ou.She also sounds that she isnin denial about here being bi polar and unforunatly untill she admits to this and wants to gety help there is little you can do
She needs to exercise watch her diet 6 msll meals a day with lots of fruit ,veggies, and gransin.NO Caffiene or sugsr as this both aggravate bi polar.Reular rest with the same routine every night
Exercise 30 mins a day even if it is just a brisk walk. This improves the mood greatly.
Meds and therapy will take it home and get her to being stabile
as far as meds go she needs a mood stablizer and an anti depressant. One without the other will send you to the opposite end of where you want to b.
She is in my prayers. If you can get here to come to the forum we could help her
I was given a choice after my last episoem of take the meds and go to therapy or loose my family. I took the meds and therapy.and I have been stable now for 8 years on celexa and zyprexa.
Good luck and lket me know how you hand her are doing.
Love Venora