bi polar fallout

I seem to have problems with my BP that are different than many others. It seems to hit us all differently I guess. Have any of you found that getting mad or upset leaves you to have an emotionally flat day the next day? It's like I am drained. I also have muscle spasms in my jaws, neck and shoulders for days after so obviously I am still upset but inflicting it on myself.
I was once what would be considered BP1 but now seem to have changed into a BP2. I have not had an all out, hit the sky type mania in over a decade and a half. I do at often have small, short lived, intense manias that last anywhere from minutes to hours and can be triggered by just talking to someone, or the anticipation of shopping. Hence I tend to stay away from people and stores but still manage to blow thru more money than I am willing to admit. It's not compulsive spending, I know the difference, This is mania and it is there and out of control when I am hit by it. My mind is going a million miles per hour and my speech is affected ( I can talk faster than an auctioneer on Saturday nite). Unfortunately I cannot tolerate any anti manic. These micro storms are hard to deal with. Is there anyone else out there that goes thru this? I have also experienced mixed episodes for the first time this year. Yee Gawds, what a new circle in hell they are. Anybody else out there go thru this? I feel so alone, my dr trys to give me meds I cannot take, my husband is tired of the BP merry go round and I doubt he even listens or cares anymore. Talk therapy has to be paid out of pocket and at what they charge I cannot go often. Boo Hoo poor little me lol. I know others out there have BP much worse as this is nowhere near how bad I was, but it has morphed into what I can only, borrowing the phrase, soul eating cancer. Does anyone understand what I am saying? Does anyone feel this way too?

[ILADVOCATE]

I would think that the best thing to do would be to accept a referral to a mood disorders specialist if you've tried most commonly known treatments and have unusual forms of mania or its changed markedly over the years. That one website has all FDA approved medications used off label as mood stabilizers. There are a fair amount of options for people who have tried the commonly used options (lithium, Depakoate, Lamictal, atypical antipsychotics) but not all psychiatrists are familiar with them. You don't have to change providers but could accept a referral to a mood disorders specialist and then go back to your regular psychiatrist after you were started on another medication. I almost had to go that route. Only a psychiatrist though could state out of the less commonly used options which would work on what you are experiencing and what exact form of bipolar you have. Its rare that bipolar is completely untreatable. Sometimes you have to go through a fair amount of options until you find the right medication though.

[zzzmykids]

First, I am so sorry you are going through this and that you feel alone.  It is my grown kids that have given up on me, though not enough not to live in our home for the past five months.  My husband is just an even keel person and sees me as beautiful, brilliant and his. Yes, I have had mixed states, hell with wheels and one of those rides at the fairground that you stand up and it spins you till you puke!
We are all alone in here and lonely, bastet56.  But the hope is through a variety of "meetings" we go through the crowds in here and find a few that love us and want only the best for us.
I've seen you care for others.  Explain your name, befriend many, including me.
You need to get a full workup, blood, analyzing meds and see your psych for an evaluation of just what is going on to cause these changes.
When I lose it, it is usually manic, the next day I am fetal in my bed wondering if I will ever be lovable or in control.
Now really, does it matter?  We have a disorder that affects the brain which cannot tell us that it is ill so it acts like a hampster wheel and we are it's puppet,on bad meds or off meds....so you need to be on the best meds for you.
Please journal. Smile in the mirror and laugh, your brain is fooled by the laugh and sends endorphines out of its vault it keeps locked from us.
Walking and eating correctly are  beneficial and WHEN I choose to do them I am better.
I also find relaxing to peruvian music, classical piano or my favorite group Selah and reading outside in the sun in the morning helps start my day.
You are not alone........ever......there is one Greater Always walking beside you or carrying you.
Get better and enjoy the weekend.
zzzmykids

[LetaB]

You and I are on the same wave lenghth. For the first time this year I have experienced some mixed episodes and I find them humiliating - even though only I am aware of them. You have the right to cry out why and this is the place to do it. This mental illness is so invasive and so very progressive (at least in my case) I argued that I didn't have it 5 years ago now I appear to be over the top with all its problems. You know one thing I think is so very cr@ppy about this thing is if you are REALLY out of your head with a more severe malady then you are - out of your head. Here I am so hyper aware of my strangeness and various emotions I feel like I'm watching it transpire and my hands are tied. My consistant flavor is highly depressed. I waste countless hours minutes every day walking through my future suicide. I am filled with self loathing and am of little use to anyone anymore. This *****. I quit. Once I fulfill my contractual obligations.

[ILADVOCATE]

I can't deny that I myself do not from time to time have suicidal ideations. If they were psychiatric or I intended to carry them through I would not even be posting. They are from other reasons. I'd bring the issues to my psychiatrist. Nor can I state that my quality of life has not dropped very low physically. But somehow I knew that if I gave up that I would in some manner be making people who were ignorant or put me down happy. They certainly didn't wish death on me but I think they would not notice if I one day were not around. I always feel there is unfinished business in this world and people who need me. I think of it as that way for everyone. But I don't always know what their lives are like. But for you I'd say for sure you have done much in a positive way to shape your children's future and make sure they were treated right. Rather than "walking through my future suicide" plan your future with your family and your children's future and all the people who do care about you. Perhaps put that in a journal entry. You have a strong sense of self definition about the people who disrespected you and you have detailed that. You have a lot to live for. But try to think of specifics and until you can get medications adjusted guide your thoughts in that direction.

[bastet56]

  I am on Tegretol now which I guess is supposed to stabilize me as well as take care of the psychosis. It works to a certain extent. I do not want to go on a higher dose because I am one of those people who get the nasty side effects and I do not want to chance tardive darkinsesia as I am sure you understand. There are no specialty psych drs in this area and only one psych hospital for all of the northern part of the state and as one who was locked up in a county mental hospital, I will never willingly go there.
LetaB, I know how you feel about having a plan. I had one, still do in the very back of my mind but My husband has told me that if I die, he will take his life too and I know him well enough to know that he will do exactly that so I am stuck here until he goes first.
  zzzmykids,  thank you for the support. It's why I come here. You've heard people say they feel alone in a room full of people?  Sometimes I just need to know that I am not alone in this miserable, soul sucking disease. Thank you for your support. Hope you are doing ok with all the changes in your life.

[Venora Moonwind]

All of your  symptoms are classic bi polar symptoms , the racing thoughts ,spending sprees , the irritation and anger. Been there done that medicated and and now I am stable.
Journaling is a great outlet for the racing thoughts. Just write them down as they come to you and you will slow them down.
We who are bi polar understand like nobody else int he world . keep coming here for all the wonderful support we can give you.
Love Venora

[ILADVOCATE]

Best to educate yourself. Tegretol can't cause tardive dyskinesia. None of the common mood stabilizers can cause it. Its confined to antipsychotics (except for Clozaril), a few anti-depressents and some physical medications. For more information google "patient education tardive dyskinesia" and the site itself states "some of these medications may be neccessary". Its generally not dose related and its not a possibility with Tegretol so if your psychiatrist believes that a higher dose would help you by all means follow their instructions. Here's a list of all available options for mood stabilizers:
http://www.psycheducation.org/depression/meds/moodstabilizers.htm

[bastet56]

My mistake. I apologize. You are right.

[freebird227]

I am so greatful that I came on this particular post.Not only was there the despair of bp and the many ways it manifest itself .I am BP 1 rapid cycler' with major depression and delusional thinking.I like so many others know the misery of not being stable on meds.
I know the horror of thinking " if this is as good as it gets, then." But today I know the glory of being better than I have been in over 5 years.In the last five years I have lost all but 40% of my business due to my instability.Until today I grieved on a daily basis all this illness had stolen from me, Today I see some real hope.
LtaB, Ilove you girl, you are a trooper and you put it out there, The Good The Bad and The Ugly Blessings to you and improved health.
Basket56,You were blessed today, by the experience of others...you are not alone.Very strong and knowlegable(sp)  spoke their truths to you.   Keep posting Someone will always be here