bp - do you envy dead people?

[RubyShooz]

This may sound dumb, but I read the obituaries in the newspaper and I envy the people who have died, especially young people.  I hope I would never act on my suicidal thoughts -- but it would be so nice to go to sleep and not wake up.  I am so sick of struggling with this bp disorder.  I'm sick of being sick.  Sure, I have some good days -- but mostly it is a constant struggle to control my thoughts and behaviors.  Being dead seems like such a peaceful state -- and no matter what becomes of us after death, anything would be better than the pain of living with bp.

I am on meds and see my psychiatrist regularly -- but the bp never goes away and even though there is more to me than the bp, it is always with me.  I've tried all different combinations of meds and my current cocktail (200mg lamictal and 20 mg lexapro) seems to work best for me with fewest side effects.  But no med is 100% effective.

Just needed to vent.  Thanks for all the support I've received in this forum.
Rub

[Ecclesiastes4_2]

I wholeheartedly agree. I envy the dead as well. We should be so lucky as to go to sleep and never wake up again. I didn't always feel like this. After about 35 years of age and sturggling with undiagnosed depression for about 15 years, life just became an immensely unenjoyable chore. I haven't attempted suicide, but I sure have ideations of it. I wish my parents were still alive so I could thank them for giving me the curse of life.

[Bubulous]

If you want to start a new thread for this it would be helpful.

[Bubulous]

What is or are the lie(s)

[mspirit]

I envy the dead all the time. Two unsuccessful suicide attempts and I'm forcing myself to live for my child. I hate myself for pushing myself even though I know it's useless and just a matter of time. I'm on disability, my insurance won't cover treatment I need in the state of CA; DOE is garnishing the already pathetic amount of money I get to live on. I'll be living in my car next month. I can't afford rent and food anymore- used up the litte extra money for my kids needs, and hospitals are useless if they admit me. I give anything to get murdered, hit by a car, due in my sleep. Living for me is a lie!

[RubyShooz]

Once again, thanks for your postings.  Only a fellow sufferer like yourselves can know how important it is to feel we are not alone, to know there is place like this where we can come for support and encouragement to help us through the difficult times and to share the good times.
You people here are absolutely the BEST!
Hugs,
Linda

[determined2beatit]

I know exactly how you feel!! I often think the same thing. Not because I'm depressed and suicidal but because overall the whole disease is just so tiring!!! We fight all the time with it and after awhile, I think overall we just want a break! It takes a lot of energry, mentally, to deal on a daily basis with this. I know I won't be upset someday when I die because I will look back and be rid of this pain but for now...I believe in God so much and know he's in control so I would  just keep praying.
You know...I think from this forum we could all write a really great book..one that really connects with the illness for others to get a real idea of what it's like. These books out there are not really a true picture of what we go through day to day.
You have to get on the forum to see that others struggle as bad as we do. That's comforting in that we are not alone.
It's sad that life has to be this way. We are all intelligent people that fully are aware that life is better than this disease. The struggle is always how to get that back and maintain basic life happiness. I think if given the chance of stability in our emotions we would all see that we are fully capable of enjoying a happy life and with all it's problems. Don't be sad......we all share your pain and are here for you whenever you need a boost! You are never alone!
Take care,
Linda

[Venora Moonwind]

I do sometimes because my faith lets me know they are in the summerland and I want to go there more thatn anything  but the Goddess and God have directed me that I have much to do in this life by helping other bi polars. I am starting school this fall to be a therapist with a second in social work so I can help get bi polars the help they need with their meds and therapy. I know I will be in the summerland one day and see all of my family and friends that are there
It wo9uld help you if maybe you went back to school to refoucus your energy so the bi polar isnt always right there up front in you mind.Just a thought I know my bi polar is faraway when I busy on projects.
Love Venora

[RubyShooz]

Thanks for your concern and comments.  I do not use other substances -- no alcohol, no drugs, only one cup of coffee each morning.  I try to limit my use of over-the-counter medications also -- such as allergy/sinus medications, heartburn, that kind of stuff.
I do try to exercise several days a week, even though I hate it!  I do walking and aerobic dancing tapes at home, sometimes aerobic classes at the YMCA.  That does seem to help a bit.  I watch my diet and limit fats, sugars, and eat in moderation with lots of fruits and veggies.  I gained a lot of weight on depakote and seroquel and still trying to lose it -- down 17 lbs. so far (30 lbs. gained on that stuff!)

You are so right, the ups and downs are difficult to deal with -- mine is rapid cycling although with my Lamictal and Lexapro my symptoms are much more manageable these days.  But the BP is always there, it never completely goes away.
Thanks again, your support is much appreciated, and I wish you sunshine and happy days.
Hugs,
Linda

[Crystlas]

Do you put other substances in your body that might not let the meds work perfectly?  Drinking or using drugs and taking in alot of caffiene can cause the meds to not work like they should.  "Outside" chemicals can disturb your brain's bio-chemistry and mess with the medications.  On good days try to get some exercise too.  I am on Wellbutrin and Abilify and this has worked best for me too!  Before I knew that alcohol was a no no I struggled too.  Now that I do not drink at all, stay away from marijuana and exercise on good days I do not feel that BP anymore.  I have BP 1 w/ mixed state too, so I never get to enjoy pure mania and feel miserable when I swing.  So just a bit of advice and hope it helps!  Kristen

[RubyShooz]

Thanks, Tyrone.  I do feel better today.  But the underlying thoughts of not wanting to wake up are always with me.  Even on the good days, sometimes it seems like it's just not worth the pain of living.  You are right -- we are fighting this battle with ourselves and that is the worst kind of fight -- it would be easier to fight an outside adversary where at least we have a chance of winning.  After suffering with it for 35 years, I must admit that my bipolar will be a lifelong battle for me.
Thank you, and I hope that you too are feeling better.
Hugs,
Linda

[Tyzer33]

I feel the exact same you just described  how i feel with the wanting to go to sleep and not wake. Its a very tiring illness when your battling your own head most days. Hope you feel better.

Tyronne

[RubyShooz]

Thank you so much for your kind words.  I did sleep well last night and today was a pretty good day for me.  Friends like you on these message boards give me the strength to go on each day, it is good to know that I am not alone with my feelings.  No matter how strange or mixed up I feel, I know that I can always come here and find friends who understand what I am going through.
Wishing you sunny days and happy thoughts.
Hugs,
Linda

[tired32]

Dead is forever.  I suffered with b.p. for 40 years before it was diagnosed.  I really don't know how I stayed alive all those years. I always loved the manic periods because I got so much accomplished during those periods.  Unfortunately, I never dreamed I was bp.  Actually there was very little information about it and nothing available to learn about it.  I thought manic depressive people were nuts. WhenI found out that I was one, it blew my mind.  But I was so happy to finally know what was wrong with me.  I was put on lithium and imipramine.  I count that as when I was really born.  My life changed in a few weeks and I started to realize what"normal" is.  No more mood swings.  I stayed on that combinaton until I got a new doctor.  He decided to put me on a more "modern drug,"prozac  Once more I was on a roller coaster of mood swings.  I changed doctors again after awhile of misery and suicidal desires.  I thought if I could just sleep for a long time, maybe I would be normal when I woke up. The new doctor tried another new drug, etc, etc.  It seems that doctors think one has to be on the latest patented drug to get well.  I spent several more years on the roller coaster again.  Finally, another new doctor put me on paxil.  It worked well so he took  me off the lithium.  I've been doing mostly good but do have some small manic periods (Don't accomplish much before it's over again.)  And of course I still do get depressive periods. When this happens, I increase the paxil to 80mgs until the slump is over and then go back to 60mg  I have been on just about every antidepresant ever invented.  The bottom line is: when you find something that works, don't let anyone change it to something else, just because a "new" one is out.  If your present med isn't working, try another, and another until you get the right combo.  I  actually get angry everytime a dr. tries to change my meds.  I have to stick to my guns.  There is a lot of sunshine out there, just keep working on it until the sun shines for you.  If your med isn't working, it's the wrong one for you.  You can learn to listen to your body, and make your own medical decisions.  Keep plugging till you get the right stuff to make your sun shines.  I often wonder what my life could have been like had I not spent all those years not knowing what is wrong with me.  At least I now know, and I'm not going to live in the black pit ever again.  I wish you all other B.P.s good luck in getting well.  I will pray for your health.  Life really is worth living.

[Jikan]

Namaste,

Remember that just wishing that you don't wake in the morning is actually a suicidal ideation and shouldn't be taken lightly.

I can understand the pain, since I too have Bipolar I Disorder and I know that it is a chronic condition which will never leave me.

I've learned to deal with it on a daily basis and often minute by minute. My current cocktail of medications(Remeron 10 mg. daily, Lamictal 400 mg. daily and Valium 10 mg. four(4) times a day).

I don't have any side effects, or at least any that I'm aware of and most of my days are stable, although I never feel "normal", whatever that is. I am always below baseline meaning I live in a world of depression seeing it(the world) in black & white, so I often have suicidal ideations and have actually attempted suicide twice.

I've been hospitalized for my BP and suicide attempts no less than six(6) times, one stay lasting 6 months.

Glad you chose to vent, so that we could provide you with some feedback as to what we think might be going on inside your head.

I hope you're feeling better now and that you get a good nights' sleep!

Michael(Jikan)