cutting

[irishwriter]

have been cutting every night since last thursday. have tried xanax and klonopin and plunging hands in ice. no luck. calm is great just after but depression gets worse then. any help anyone?

[BP2PROFESSIONAL]

I don't know a lot about cutting except my psychologist suggests putting a rubber band on your wrist kind of like a live strong band. Then whenever you feel like cutting you pull the band and snap it on your wrist instead. Kind of offering an alternative type idea. Hope you are doing better, thinking of you :0)

[katiecries]

i know exactly how u feel I've been trying to quit cutting to but i still can't get through i day without it.  i heard this really works though and I'm going to try it:
whenever u want to cut draw a butterfly on the body part u r going to cut before u do it.
i know it sounds crazy but u never know what might work...
good luck x

[irishwriter]

hi guys, i had managed to stop cutting for the past four of five months with the add on of topamax into my combo, the first time any med combination started working for me in many years of trying. my mother was given a prognosis of only a few months to live abouth six weeks ago and i have been doing the four and a half hour drive each weekend since to help take care of her and to see her while i can. understandably this has brought up the inhenent fear of my father and also dealing with my incredibly rude with hair trigger tempers siblings. there are about eight of us living in this country and some of them have reverted to the teenage dynamic. they have never dealt with their problems re; our father and are facing it now without the knowledge of what is happening to them and without the tools to handle it and are taking it out on the rest of us with resentment of our presence there. i am cutting again and back to being extremely depressed and sucidal all the time from the stressed at having to deal with them all while trying to deal with my own children and having to leave the house i'm currently living in because i am broke too from all the added expenses with all the unplanned for extra travel and accomodation away from home and the stress of family judgement when i get there because my life goals are so different from theirs. Most of them have money as their god.

enough ranbling. hope things pick up for all here and understand what you are all going throug. you will be in my thoughts.

iw

[Sue031]

Hi there,
All of he stories I have seen tonight sound so familiar. I am Bipolar for 11 year now but it was in the last 5 that things got serious. The depression was bad coupled with the insomnia and the brain that just wouldn't shut up. Guilt. guilt, guilt. Whether it was truly mine or not. Abusive marriage with manipulation and no support or love. It will kill you that lack of support. I cut. My arms look like railway tracks. People that haven't done it say you will be ashamed in the future but I am not because it is part of what makes me who I am today and I overcame.  As was said earlier about the other lady, trauma earlier in your life is no doubt part of your life leaving you with a borderline personality disorder just like mine. I hated that when they told me coz it made me feel like I was psycho or just to weak to control myself but that is not the case. It is actually very involved. But with everything you are suffering and the lack of support and the isolation I am not surprised you are in such a bad state. Are there no hospitals that can take you in for a period to support you and do therapy with you and find the right medication for you. I know that sounds horrific. Believe me mine was no cherry pie either.  South Africa's Government Institutions leaves so much to be desired. Just imagine the filthiest place you've been and the worst service you've ever received and you might get it right. But help is help. You have to reach out before  you do the ultimate or your ankle gets badly infected and you lose your foot.
You are not alone in this. I truly understand your grief. I never had kids but I raised my husbands 2. His daughter was 3 and his son 8 months. 19 years later my husband is divorcing me. I leave tomorrow and walk away from my kids.

Sorry about the long story. Just want you to know that I truly understand. I still keep a knife in my cupboard. It's not over till it's over. The thing is the urge is gone.

I hope you will ask for help. It's always hard the first time but eventually realise that you are too afraid not to. You are too precious to let this beat you.

I will be offline for a week or so because of the move but I'll be back. Please get help. You are useless to your daughter maimed or dead.

All my love
Sue

[bipolerchick]

she was taken cause of where me and her dad live they now i am bipoler but they have no clue i am cutting i am good at hiding it always was no one has ever found out my mom and step dad still dont now that i am doinging it they found out once and that is when i was put on celexa after that i will never take pills again they scared me i ended up sitting in a church bathroom and tryed to kill myself

[Xila31]

Well, if you don't know a doctor then it is best to go to the urgent care, they might be able to help you and find you a doctor. I know it is hard to reach out like that but if you want your girl back you've got to get yourself in a better place so you can fight for her. You don't say why she was taken but that her dad doesn't have her either. You can probably get her back then but you have to prove your home is a safe place for her, and if your cutting they won't believe it. Don't give up! Go to get help. You say meds made you worse, and it was probably the wrong med, then. Just don't give up. Work to get your girl back.  

[bipolerchick]

i dont now what to do i dont have friends or family here and i dont now any dr. here i am in a state that i am new to and dont now at all my kids dad is an as an blames me for her getting taken away from us. and trust me this is not the first time i cut just everytime they put me on meds when i was living with my family i got worse i cut my ankle so that now one here sees i am ashamed of what i do and of what i am i am scared of people juging me in anyway at all

[doctora]

Irishwriter & bi-polar chick - you are not alone!

I started cutting my arms about a year and a half ago. I was sitting alone on my bed thinking of the grief I have caused my family with my bi-polar, the extra marital affairs, the overspending, the fights I have caused, the loss of my home and bankruptcy, multiple rapes, and when I cut I feel like I am letting all of that out of my system. I know it isnt right, and I am not doing it for attention, it just feels like a balloon that you fill with water (problems) until it gets to the point where it blows, (cutting), then relief.

With the help of medication for bi-polar, I am able to talk myself out of cutting, along with the fact that this last summer I wore a short sleeve shirt, and a person who I particularily dont like, point at the cuts and said "what is that", I was ashamed and embarresed, to the extent that I dont want to feel that way again, because no one can understand why someone cuts if they dont.

This  is just a portion of the side effects I have from the bi-polar, which obviously includes PTSD.  Definately talk to someone who will not judge you but will understand, and discuss with your Dr. about getting onto some bi-polar meds rather than just anti-depressants, I take both daily.

When you feel the urge, take a few minutes to think about it, and realize the only one you are hurting is yourself. It is taking me quite a long time to deal with these issues, so be patient, and always think things through, after some thought you will see that it is a bad idea, drop it and move on.

Wishing you the best.

[ILADVOCATE]

Yes it would be best to speak to a psychiatrist before things get worse. You've been through a traumatic experience and for some people that can be a form of emotional release although an unhealthy one of course. I've known people who coped with it. Medication is essential but if medication isn't able to stop it entirely in addition to medication cognitive behavioral therapy and support groups are helpful as well. Google "Self Mutilators Anonymous".

[Xila31]

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear you're not doing well and you're in a hard time. :(

I hope you have someone you can go to in the real world and ask for help right now. I have self-harm, too. I've only done cutting once long ago, but I hit myself when thengs get bad. I know that sounds dumb, but I actual do a lot of damage. I have put lumps in my head that didn't go away for weeks. Scratch my face up (because I have problems emotionally with my appearance,) pinching myself, etc. These are bad things. I always need help from someone when I start up. It isn't something I can stop doing on my own.

Please call someone close to you that you trust and ask for help. I know things are hard. I also lost a child and it is the hardest thing in the world, it is trauma. But this won't really help. I know how you feel, to make it hurt on the outside. Or the complete self-hatred, I know. But, it won't help. If you don't have anyone to help, then head to the ER or doctor ASAP.  

I hope you can get through. Please keep us posted.

[bipolerchick]

i am 18 and i have been digansosed with bipoler and saidly they only found out cuse i cut i stopped or i thought i did for 3 years i just had a kid and dhs tock her from me and i started up since last thrusday my ankle is looking worse every day so far i have cut it twice and its only 10 i am getting worse every hour and i now it i cant help it just life gets to hard and i dont want to die it just helps me to colm down enuff to do what i need to i cant last even an hour in school anymore with out doing it

[irishwriter]

wish i had been able to get back online sooner. you have all been of such huge help. i have been living with depression for the last thirty years and have tried most meds. just off all except klonopin and xanax at the moment. due to start new regime once pdoc decides which direction to go.

i started cutting and burning with cigarette in july. lately and particularly this last week it has escalated to every night. i have run out of room on my arm and started on thigh today. it is like 'delusion' said it seems to give me some measure of control. also it is like a physical manifestation of this disease.

my pdoc is excellent and tells me that this is very common with people who have been through rape and abuse and i am trying to absorb that i shouldn't 'join the enemy' and harm myself as they have harmed me in the past.

i am suicidal all the time and the cutting seems to help me keep doing it at bay for the moment. i try to keep saying my children's names like a mantra to keep getting through each day. i feel like there is a barrier between myself and the rest of the world and the cutting does make me feel something.

thank you all again for all your help.

[ILADVOCATE]

Three issues. First of all as people said please speak to your psychiatrist. Secondly are you sure the cutting started recently? Perhaps you did it in the past and have forgotten/repressed it. That self destructive behavior develops over time. Anti-anxiety agents treat anxiety not depression or moodswings that might bring this on. And you might want to speak to your psychiatrist about borderline personality disorder. Cutting can be part of that psychiatric disability and along with medication and talk therapy behavioral therapy is very useful. Also google "Self Mutilators Anonymous". In no manner is this judgmental (as it doesn't harm anyone else) but cutting is a self destructive and addictive behavior. If you did just start get help before it becomes part of your life. And with the other things you are describing it sounds as if you have suicidal ideations and I'd be heavily concerned. Speak to your psychiatrist now rather than later.

[freebird227]

My experience with cutting is that it is a prosess of obsession. It begins with a deep deep deep  pain From there a spot is picked and the the obession  there is a way to relive the pain when that stops working     a time is chosen....and then we cut. Some cut so others can see how much pain they are in     otheres cut in secret places so no one can see. You said hands  in ice water,,,excuse me but to me that sounds like punnishment and restriction  Another approach would be to send love to that aera. If it's feet a nice pedicure  or a at home foot bath. To truely break the cycle you have to change the thinking. Definantly talk to someone  Allow someone to offer you some  support. Try to journal your way through it.   I know how deep your pain is    truely I do Please get some help you are so much more worthy. Blessed Be freebird

[therese83]

I should have taken the time to read your details, i see you do write.  Is that any help to you?

Can you find a therapist who specialise in helping people who cut/is there such a thing in Ireland?

If you were abused or raped (sorry to be so blunt) I know that the rape crisis centres in Ireland are very helpful.  Also if you call them they might be able to help you find a specialist psychologist or facilitator who can help you/

I am Irish as well, living in Austria, nice to meet you!

[therese83]

To Delusion

Dont you think the doctor could give medication to improve the mood or outlook?
Then maybe irishwriter wouldnt feel so inclined to cut

To Irishwriter

Hang on in there and speak to a Doctor as soon as you can.  Is there anyone else you can speak to , to get all your feelings out.

Another thing, do you write? are you actually a writer?  What I am asking is, do you have any other way of expressing your emotions other than cutting.

Thinking of you

[Delusion]

I was in that place for many years i used to cut my arms on both sides with knives and glass, i also used to burn myself when i was in a really bad place =/ its not nice and isnt normal i regret it i have some quite heavy scarring on one of my arms in particular and i have to hide it under long sleeves all the time.

As moronic or cliche as it sounds i did it to 'feel something' i was so numb i couldnt feel anything, the pain itself was obviously just that a pain and it did hurt but one of the reasons i guess i did it was because it was a pain i was in control of. The depression and the suicidal thoughts the planning of how your going to go out its not nice but its not something you can get rid of you just have to let it pass but i liked doing it because causing myself pain and being in complete control of it made me feel in control of things, i know some people may think that sounds retarded but it was my reason.

Contrary  to what the others have said all your pdoc can do is basically the same as us.. tell you not to do it and think about why your doing it and the consequences etc but if you think talking to a pdoc would be better hearing all of it from a professional in a long strung out way helps some people then go for it.

[monkeyc]

Ive been having random thoughts about cutting, scary when you have never been there before.  Id say speak to your psych ok - i would if I could.

[pdr7686]

PLease quit "cutting"   you are only harming yourself
Sounds to me like you have had some kind of abuse..........check out the abuse forum
Go see a Psych and/or a Therapist

If you need to talk you can pm me

[LeftCoastChick]

Cutting is a way to distract from the pain of depression, it also can give an endorphin rush which makes you feel good for a little while. It's extremely important you seek immediate help. Those scars are going to be with you for life, I've seen folks with hundreds of scars, and they are so ashamed about what they did, they wear longsleeves in the summer. Stop this before it becomes seriously addicting.  You need to get on a med to cope with the depression, and I'm sure you'll stop, but you still need to see a psychiatrist, self harm is extremely serious. Benzodiazapams like klonopin and xanax aren't going to do much go with your depression. Go see your doctor! Let us know how ou are getting along!

[bernie40]

i'm going to ask the most obvious question here - have you telephoned your psych?

I have no experience of cutting and so feel at a loss as to what to advise.  If you haven't already done so then definitely get in touch with your psych.

Thinking of you.