Yes. And i've hated myself. I try and rebuild the relationship where i stupidly left off by first apologizing. The other person is, hopefully, gracious and accepts the apology, and that helps you feel better, too. My mouth is extremely sarcastic and a bit mean. Nothing i'm proud of. shawn
i've had a few instances where i completely lose control of myself when i'm angry and have gotten violent with my boyfriend. i'm lucky enough to have a guy who understands, but i feel horribly ashamed, especially in the days that follow. you're normal, at least in terms of bipolar disorder.
When my aunt died I was in a manic phase. Oh, it was so bad. For part of it they thought I was really funny and kept the whole family in kind of a jovial mood despite everything. But on the day of her funeral I walked into the house in green, noticed everyone else in green and then suddenly realized it was St. Patrick's Day. So of course had to make a big deal about us being Irish and the fact that everyone had worn green for the day. And of course, another aunt got mad at me and said nobody was thinking about it being St. Patrick's Day, noone cared. And I was like "geez, does nobody around here have a sense of humor any more?" That tended to be my behavior for the day. I grinned like an absolute fool through the entire service and knew it, but could not stop myself, so tried to keep my face covered and then that made me want to laugh.
That's just the worst one I can remember. Make you feel any better? We've all said things that we didn't mean and had to apologize for it, but that's just not being bipolar, just being human. If you can apologize that's a huge thing to people.
I wake up every morning after a big night out drinking and feel a wave of shame, guilt and regret. I take meds that when mixed with alcohol make me impulsive and act like a single young girl, I am 42. I am trying to stay off alcohol, buts its hard. My husband is a very, loving, understanding man, but I don't know how he puts up with me. I try to take every day as a blessing, and I do my best to try make ammends, face up to my mistakes, but I often feel like such a loser. I have been like this my whole life, so it has been a long and hard road. I am so lucky to have a husband for 18 years that loves my unconditionally, knows deep down I am a good person, and knows the real me inside. Loves me for the best parts, and loves me inspite of the worst parts.
Try not to beat yourself up, work on the triggers that make you do act out, i.e. alcohol, and try to remember we are all human. Your true friends who really love you and know about your disorder (if you have any) will love and try to understand, unconditionally.
Love yourself first!
I once walked in to the Superintendent's office and said I was going to sue the district if she didn't talk to me right then. She was already late for a benfit golf tournament for our district, but she had to stay and deal with me. Talk about screwing up. Luckily, I have a well documented history in bipolar and the district has not complied with some of my fairly reasonable requests. They did make the changes I asked for without to much hassle. I probably do have a case for a lawsuit, but who wants that.
Anyway, I have taught myself to feel ashamed, not guilty. Bipolar and mania are at fault, not my core essence. If I am upfront with my disease, most people really seem to understand. I apologized to the Superintedent every time I saw her and she always said, "I'm just glad you're okay."
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