Aa
help I dont know what to do!
I think im sick again, cycling, mixed episode I guess, I feel panic stricken. My moods are switching so fast and my thinking changes with them. Yesterday I guess I was manic, running around doing jobs on a mission, spending money that I dont have and then my mood plumits and I think my 20yr marriage is over. The problem is, in the moment I beleive my thinking is right and justified, but then I become normal again and realise im not myself and I find myself having panic attacks, or I cant hold the tears back. I am on medication but it clearly is not working, I am taking it and not skipping, Im doing everything i am supposed to do, after my completely panic stricken day I called my doctor but he is on vacation for a month so now im even more panicked and dont know what to do, im scared that when im in one of my moods I will completely loose the plot and do something life changing and stupid! Any advise would be appreciated.
Saw a random GP today, he was really nice to me, he gave me something to help when I have a panic attack but wants me to get an appointment with the mental health services and not wait for my doctor to come back. I will see how I go, I am mostly down now so finding it hard. I feel so scared right now, why is this happening again, why am I so confused. my thinkig is so off balance but i just dont see when im in the moment, i dont understand.
Thanks for your support and advise, I have called my GP and he is away for 5 weeks, not having much luck with my doctors. I have made an appointment for tomorrow to see another GP not sure how they maybe able to help but I will try them first. Last night had a fullblown panic attack in a shop with my kids, didnt want them to see me like that, I feel really guilty.
Please call your doctor's office back and ask them who is looking after emergency appointments. You need some extra help with this and you need it before a month is over. This is the time to assert yourself. While you still have some control. If you let it fling much further out of control you may find yourself in a hospital ward and doing irreparable damage at your workplace. Sorry to be so blunt but I have seen too many people lose too much because they didn't get their symptoms under control sooner - myself included. I ignored the warning signs and it didn't end well for me. Even if you have to go to the ER and see the oncall psychiatrist there I would do it.
The longer you are in an episode the harder it becomes to treat because the neuroconnectors in the brain are establishing new pathways and each day those dsyfunctional pathways are being strengthened. Please get some help.
The longer you are in an episode the harder it becomes to treat because the neuroconnectors in the brain are establishing new pathways and each day those dsyfunctional pathways are being strengthened. Please get some help.
omg just looked at my last post, its jumbled up and makes no sense! sorry! well things arnt getting any better obviously looking at that. Im trying so hard I dont know what else to do, i hate myself right now, why cant i just deal with it and not damage my life in the mean time.......sorry
Well felt good probable too goodI had a bath and a big low it went to bed then I wake the day strst low but quickly Ed ages and I find my mind spinning with ides so ofcah
Hi, I really, really, really want to read these posts above but I can't concentrate enough.
I am feeling it hell1971 I am in that place too.
My partner has used a lot of crisis meds on me and it's took some of the manic symptoms off but a lot is still lurking in the background waiting to jump me.
Wish I could help, I just don't want to make you worse so I'm just saying hello, you're not alone, and offering my support, such as it is...
Hugs
I am feeling it hell1971 I am in that place too.
My partner has used a lot of crisis meds on me and it's took some of the manic symptoms off but a lot is still lurking in the background waiting to jump me.
Wish I could help, I just don't want to make you worse so I'm just saying hello, you're not alone, and offering my support, such as it is...
Hugs
Yeah it's kinda crazy in itself that buying things can actually be a symptom. Myself, I always, and I mean always, have been afraid to spend money unless there's a deal in a sale going on (and I have the money of course that can be spent in the first place) like something I use such as all my virtual instruments I use for my music that I pirated initially that I could get up to date and legit versions of for 75% off which was something like... only $900 when it's valued at $3800. I was sure to jump on that bargain because I can definitely and WILL use it and I'm like Scrooge McDuck in terms of how much of a cheap *** I am with trying to save money. lol Hopefully your mood if it does last while you're in the shop it at least lasts until tomorrow so you can have fun when you get home, if it would make things fun for you like you said. It's good you get this stuff out, none of us are going to judge you because some of us have probably even done worse at times.
Yep I am a freak I am now laughing and looking around the shop to see what I need to buy, your post made me smile and chuckle, I am really trying to calm down and stop the obvious high that is looming, I feel like im going to burst, I want to go to the door and sing to everyone outside, I cant beleive im writing this down, normally I keep this freaky behaviour and thoughts to myself. Im sort of shaking because im trying to contain myself. But will it last and for how long? mmm will it last until I get home and have fun with my family or will it fizz so that I turn up home misserable. I still find it hard to comprehend how some of the symptoms can be symptoms, like why does it make you shop! how can that be a medical symptom, its crazy really.. it does make me laugh, I have sent so many txt just now my phone is going crazy just like me..... I have lovely little blue pills that get me to sleep otherwise I know I would be fully manic, have so many thoughts going through my mind, want to write a book, lots little projects I can do this weekend but will i or will i be hardly able to step out of my bedroom!
Nah you're not a freak. It's not your fault you're suffering from this disorder. I know how you feel, though. I'm on medication with the seemingly proper doses but lately I've been frequently forgetting to include details in my writing that I intended to include when I began writing sentences. PACT was trying to blame it on insomnia because for some reason even though my family member lives with me, they don't know my sleep schedule and haven't for years apparently so they told PACT I am hardly sleeping, but for a while now I've been sleeping usually 16 hours. Yeah, that's real nice sleeping too much but having your mental health care providers think you're hardly sleeping. I don't know where I was going with this now that I got to this point, but well there you go.
Yeah I know it can stop working, I just havent had many stable periods in three years and I thought I was finally getting there. im a rapid cycler, i should just know better. I just want to go back three years and be like I was before, unmedicated and oblivious to my moods, I just thought I was an up and down girl and it was always quite mild, then stupid me had a major down for months and it just wasnt going so my GP gave me an antidepressant that within 4 days sent me manic and then the rest has been a battle to get some sort of normality back. I am coming to the conclusion that this will never happen and I dont like it. Im fine when I have just mania or just depression its this mixed episode I dont like, I just dont know where I stand, whats going to happen next, when im manic I love it, love love love and when im depressed I know it will pass soon and I just have to hang in there but this is pure hell not knowing from one minute to the next..................I can feel the downer lifting and I will probably start excessivley laughing soon, im such a freak..
Sometimes medication just stops working without warning. I read this one guy's blog once who said he had schizophrenia and he said his medication that had worked fine for like 40 years suddenly stopped working one day without warning.
Feeling really low right now, at work but doing nothing except sat here tearful ( not good because I am in a shop, my own shop ) hoping no one comes in and tries to talk to me because I think I will burst into tears or tell them everything about me! thats what happens when im manic, i tell complete strangers my personal stuff, its crazy and then when that mood passes I fully regret and cant beleive I said what I said. Im so confused right now, I have been on the same medication for months, I dont understand why this has happened, I cant pin point a trigger!
Yes that's good that you have someone who you can rely on like that to help you. Keep them as a close friend, that's a valuable relationship you have there.
Thanks for your comments and support, I have off loaded to a friend today and asked her to keep an eye on me, just telling someone I am going through this again has helped. She is going to keep my decision making in check and tell me if my thoughts are off balance so I feel a little safer today. thanks again
I think your screen name says it all 'hell' . That is what cycling is. It is the scariest, most confusing thing I have ever been through. I was at my most suicidal during this time so it is important you keep talking to your husband and/or therapist about where you are at. It is so easy to let those emotions escalate out of control.
Most doctors have someone that covers off their practise while they are away for cases such as yours. If you call the office back and say "I am in crisis, who do I talk to?" they should be able to direct you. If they say they can't help you, then talk to a crisis line. If you feel yourself getting too close to the edge go to the hospital.
I was on medication when I started to cycle. It happened when they added Wellbutrin to the mix for me. It took moving to a new pdoc to figure it out. The old one literally told me there was nothing more they could do for me and I would just have to learn to live with it. Unfortunately for me it took a very long journey to get back to stable, because of my inept pdoc. (about two years). But I have gotten there. It will wear itself out eventually. Things will get better. Remember that they call them episodes because they are time sensitive things.
Until you can see someone distraction is a good thing. Don't go buying stuff though. It may be a good idea to give the credit cards to the husband and move to a cash only basis for the next little while. I have one friend that during a hypomanic episode managed to load the credit card with a LOT of things she 'needed desperately' like the TV infomercial stuff. She is still working herself out of debt and will be for years. Also take advantage of the normal times and hypomanic times to do things like cook extra meals so that when you are depressed you are still eating well.
I am so sorry you are going through this. My heart goes out to you because it is so very hard to go through.
Most doctors have someone that covers off their practise while they are away for cases such as yours. If you call the office back and say "I am in crisis, who do I talk to?" they should be able to direct you. If they say they can't help you, then talk to a crisis line. If you feel yourself getting too close to the edge go to the hospital.
I was on medication when I started to cycle. It happened when they added Wellbutrin to the mix for me. It took moving to a new pdoc to figure it out. The old one literally told me there was nothing more they could do for me and I would just have to learn to live with it. Unfortunately for me it took a very long journey to get back to stable, because of my inept pdoc. (about two years). But I have gotten there. It will wear itself out eventually. Things will get better. Remember that they call them episodes because they are time sensitive things.
Until you can see someone distraction is a good thing. Don't go buying stuff though. It may be a good idea to give the credit cards to the husband and move to a cash only basis for the next little while. I have one friend that during a hypomanic episode managed to load the credit card with a LOT of things she 'needed desperately' like the TV infomercial stuff. She is still working herself out of debt and will be for years. Also take advantage of the normal times and hypomanic times to do things like cook extra meals so that when you are depressed you are still eating well.
I am so sorry you are going through this. My heart goes out to you because it is so very hard to go through.
It really is hard when your own mind plays tricks on you like this. My anxiety has caused me to act out on it in the past irresponsibly but I've found it helps when I'm getting mad or whatever to just remember to stop and say "I'm not going to get mad" or something. Or if I'm ruminating over something I just remember to stop and say "I'm not going to worry about this until the outcome becomes available." and then I try to put it out of my mind and forget about it. My soon-to-be spouse is going to have to go through immigrations in the near future to potentially live with me and I have just been not thinking about it at all while she has been worried about being denied. I just haven't really thought about it being approved or denied. I hope this helps you at least a little bit. My level of self control may be higher so I may or may not have an easier time with the above but it may also not be. You could even have the potential to have a higher level than me even if you don't right now, there's usually hope.
Tip 1 : Hang in there!!
Do you have a crisis hotline to call in your area? are you with a mental health program that has late night crisis line?? your doing the right thing by reaching out and expressing your stress that helps you a lot.
Tip2 : your feelings are very normal for rapid cycling bi-polar so don't feel like your crazy or anything. One minute your brain is pumping out too much serotonin and the next moment not enough thats what is causing your mood swings. Meds take 2-3 weeks of regular use to kick in so be patient. If you have been on your meds this long and its not working when they do open back up for business ask for an emergency evaluation.
Tip3: Distract..distract..distract!!! the failing marriage can wait..believe me it will still be there tomorrow or even the day after so when your having mood swings best to never make hard life decisions until it calms down. Distract... play video games, go out for a jog (yes even late at night with protection of course), buy something online, facebook games, comedy tv, cooks yourself a pie (yes in the middle of the night), journal, cut, paste and create!! make busy work until you can get a hold of someone tomorrow. I found writing to old friends e-mail even though they don't respond right away helpful it does two things 1) lets people know you care 2)gets this stuff off your chest.
--I totally understand what you mean your perspective changes with your mood. This can cause a type of diorientation because your perspective campus is never the same and always changing...find something to measure all other things in so you can find your orientation. It can be anything you create ...a drawing, a poem, a song ect then keep it always with you and for a month 3 times a day look at this item and rate yourself how much you like it 1) Super awesome 2) ok 3) horrible create this art piece at the most neutral time (emotional wise) than you can....then if your looking at it later and you see it as a "master piece" you know your in a mania or uptick phase if you look at it and see every tiny flaw and want to rip it up you know your in a depression phase....this awareness is key because when you know your perception is altered you can apply better judgements because you can say...ahh!! i am not being fair here because I am in depression phase...ect!! I hope this helps.
warm wishes,
Autumn
Do you have a crisis hotline to call in your area? are you with a mental health program that has late night crisis line?? your doing the right thing by reaching out and expressing your stress that helps you a lot.
Tip2 : your feelings are very normal for rapid cycling bi-polar so don't feel like your crazy or anything. One minute your brain is pumping out too much serotonin and the next moment not enough thats what is causing your mood swings. Meds take 2-3 weeks of regular use to kick in so be patient. If you have been on your meds this long and its not working when they do open back up for business ask for an emergency evaluation.
Tip3: Distract..distract..distract!!! the failing marriage can wait..believe me it will still be there tomorrow or even the day after so when your having mood swings best to never make hard life decisions until it calms down. Distract... play video games, go out for a jog (yes even late at night with protection of course), buy something online, facebook games, comedy tv, cooks yourself a pie (yes in the middle of the night), journal, cut, paste and create!! make busy work until you can get a hold of someone tomorrow. I found writing to old friends e-mail even though they don't respond right away helpful it does two things 1) lets people know you care 2)gets this stuff off your chest.
--I totally understand what you mean your perspective changes with your mood. This can cause a type of diorientation because your perspective campus is never the same and always changing...find something to measure all other things in so you can find your orientation. It can be anything you create ...a drawing, a poem, a song ect then keep it always with you and for a month 3 times a day look at this item and rate yourself how much you like it 1) Super awesome 2) ok 3) horrible create this art piece at the most neutral time (emotional wise) than you can....then if your looking at it later and you see it as a "master piece" you know your in a mania or uptick phase if you look at it and see every tiny flaw and want to rip it up you know your in a depression phase....this awareness is key because when you know your perception is altered you can apply better judgements because you can say...ahh!! i am not being fair here because I am in depression phase...ect!! I hope this helps.
warm wishes,
Autumn
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