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i feel so dirty
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i feel so dirty

my stepdad took his abuse to another level 2nite and made me have sex with him and i felt so dirty. i havnt been myself lately and my stepdad could tell and took full advantage of this buh maybe it was my fault cuz i have been feeling sexual but i never wanted him to do this to me he usualy makes me masterbate him to stop his emotional and pysical abuse but its getting worse and its messing up my head and i cnt go to the police cuz he wil kill me. im tired really tired
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23 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_m_tn
Umm... you need to get out of there somehow, is there anyone you can move in with at all?
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1116728_tn?1276800724
no hun i only have ma mum n i live wit her n its her house he does it
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952564_tn?1268372247
First off.... THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!

I put that in all caps because it is true! Being the vicitim of abuse is never, ever your fault. I wish I could give you a hug right now because this is terrible what he is doing to you!

Okay, you need to get out. There are women's shelters that you can go to and they cannot let him get you to. You seriously need to get out of there right now. This is not good at all. I don't know what state or country you live in but you can get out. You can go to the police and tell them he has threatened your life and that you need to go to a secure women's shelter. No men are allowed to enter the shelter. In fact, no one is allowed to enter the shelter unless they are a victim living there or the people protecting them.

I'm guessing he is abusing your mom, too, but right now you need to get out. You have to get out, now. The abuse will only get worse. Please take care and get away.
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1116728_tn?1276800724
thanx hun i have tried ive moved out 6 or 7 times but always seem to end up back here. ive phoned womens shelters but they are always full so i kinda just gave up on it. i am trying tho even harder after yday.x thanx for ur advice hun.x
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Avatar_f_tn
It Is NOT your fault. You don't have to feel guilty. They are right you have to get out now. It will only get worse if you stay there. Going to the police isn't a bad idea. More people have a higher chance of getting hurt or killed staying in a place like that then they do by going to the police. You need to go some place where he can't get to you. Even if it is a shelter.

Please take care.
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1039200_tn?1314915608
When I had to get out the shelters were also full but the police kept a list of them and kept phoning until one came up with a space. It may be miles and miles away but this is good if you are trying to leave. You can then sort out from there what your next move is. Let them do the phoning for you. They are used to dealing with crises like this. Some women arrived the shelter with nothing but the clothes they had on.

In the shelter they have workers there who are used to helping people in your situation, and you will more than likely meet others living there who can help you too if you decide to follow this route. That said it is a brave thing to walk away from all you know, so I wish you all the strength you need to be able to do this, all the bestx
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585414_tn?1288944902
This might be a good place to contact first:
http://www.ndvh.org/
They can inform you of where confidentiality located domestic violence shelters are. They can contact the police with you and take out a restraining order and work with the law from there. That is probably the safest route. Leaving is essential but you need to know where to go. This can be of help.
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1116728_tn?1276800724
thank u all for the info and i wil go to the police but i need to gain the strength and i dnt want to leave my mum with him im scared he may hurt her
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Avatar_m_tn
Speaking of what the others said, I just remembered.  The first thing my therapist said to me when I told her something like that happened to me was it wasn't my fault.
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1136549_tn?1297294593
I just want to say telling people is always the first step. There is corage behind your words you just have to find it with in yourself to get out. If you tell the cops they will do something about it. I dont know how old you are but, weather your 13 or 35 that is rape. I'll have you in my thoughts I'll pray that you find a way to get out of there safely.
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1116728_tn?1276800724
it feels like its my fault hun every one ive known has abused me in sum way and i think y me it must be somthing about me that makes people want to bully or beat me or like now sexualy abuse me its like i was born to be punnished and i dont no why but i wil get help for my mental state and the abuse
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952564_tn?1268372247
I'm going to say this again: It is not your fault.

Here's the thing about abuse. When you grow up in a house where you were abused, you don't know anything else. This is why abuse is a cycle. Let's say mom had an abusive father, so she then dates and abusive man, marries him, has kids, leaves him, and then marries another man who also turns out to be abusive. Her kids will either do one of two things, either they will grow up to marry abusive people or they will become the abusers themselves. This cycle goes on to the next generation, and the next. It is a huge self-creating cycle.

There are two ways to stop the abuse.
1) The abused needs to leave the situation and go somewhere safe. They need to take serious inventory of their life, their friends, everything. They need to be get into therapy and not date anyone for a long time. They need to go through the process of discovering who they are, creating their life, and becoming free. There are non-abusers out there to love these people and care for them, the key is breaking away in order to find it.

2) The abuser needs to realize what he/she is doing and get into therapy. They need to do all of the above things and learn how to deal with their anger and frustration. Perhaps they have mental illnesses that contribute. But they have to want to change and work at it every day.

I'm going to tell you that my grandmother was seriously abused as a child. She was fortunate enough to meet my grandfather who was not abusive. My grandmother stopped the cycle of abuse and never once abused her children. It is possible. You can be free. Nothing is wrong with you, but you have been put into a terrible place. You need to get away from the abusers and start a new life.

My heart is with you, please take care.
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Avatar_f_tn
It really isn't your fault. I understand why you think that. Sometimes when people do bad things to us we tend to blame ourself. When I found out my best friends for 13 years used me I thought I guess I didn't really deserve their love. I guess I was stupid. Stuff like that. But they messed up. I was the best friend they could ever have and they messed it up. I was nice and trustworthy. I always kept their secrets and I never rejected them. I just felt I should tell some of my story to help you see that I can some what relate. No I can't fully relate to you because my situation is different than yours. Your situation is dangerous and can be resolved if you leave. Don't let someone ruine your life like those friends ruined mine. And remember don't let anyone convince you that you are to blame or that you deserve it because you don't and I repeat it is not your fault. He is the one with the problem not you.
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1116728_tn?1276800724
he has admited to me b4 that he picks on me cuz he can. i hate him and want to get out of this. what if hes made me pregnant tho. im scared he has ruined my life. sounds bad but i want him dead. he knows i have mental issues and he takes advantage of it. hes the devil yet hes meant to b a christian i dnt get it
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Avatar_m_tn
See this is a perfect example of how someone like me has a mental illness that can make me really messed up in the head but I have nothing on how messed up in the head this guy is.  Just because someone says they're Christian doesn't mean they are.  I'm not even Christian and I am more Christian than him.  The way you feel is a natural reaction to what has happened to you, something like this really screws up a person psychologically like for example I actually feel physical pain when someone else touches me in certain ways probably from stuff like that happening to me before.  It's like I was told the person who did things like that to me had died and I just felt disgusted because he had no retribution for what he did and it happened over a decade ago but I still feel that way.  It's going to take some time to recover from this which is an understatement but the first step to starting recovering from this is following the advice the people gave you.
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Avatar_f_tn
It is ok. Listen it's human nature to have thouts like that. I admit I have wished that those friends were dead and some family members that also ruined my life. I've had even worse thought than that but I'd rather not go into them. I have this dark side from the results of stuff from people. So it's only natural. I can't stand fake christians. He is definitly one. Someone who hurt me went to church and everything but was a devil outside. So I understand. It's been 3 years for my problems and I still have hate boil in me because of them. I admit I have anger problems. Well I didn't until the things happened. You need to solve your problems now while you still have the chance. Believe me it is no fun to go from a not so happy but not to angry person to a miserable person who is cold inside. Solve it now. It will be way better than putting up with him.
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1116728_tn?1276800724
thanx to all of u for ur advice i took a step 2nite infront of him and told my mum he raped me n he ran out the house but i no he wil be bk 2morrow cuz he keeps txtin me askin if im ok n sayin c u 2morrow so 2morrow before he gets here im gone. he started on me as soon as he got in n me being me i ran into the bathroom n started cuttin my arms and wrists this time i wanted to end my life but then i thaught y should i let him win so wen i came out the bathroom he apologised then 5mins later he started again so i shouted to ma mum saying i got sumthin on my phone i want u to c(dirty txts frm him) and i shouted that he made me have sex with him. plus i kinda trashed the house kuz he has destroid me completely brocken me
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952564_tn?1268372247
Good job! Don't let him hide or hurt you. You're right, don't let him win. You are the one who deserves to win and be free.
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Avatar_m_tn
Someone reacted the same way to me confronting them over something messed up they did to me.  They went ape **** saying me and my sister was accusing them of things that never happened to someone me and the person in question live with and then after a couple of weeks they talked to me again and acted like they never read the email I sent which they obviously did.  I did it in email because they always interrupt me and forget I was saying anything when I try to say even a short sentence sometimes.
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Avatar_f_tn
Good for you. Taking the first step. Don't let him win. I'm really glad to hear the update. Don't let him bring you down. Well done.
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1116728_tn?1276800724
its thanx to every one on here who has given me advice. i am so verry greatfull.x ile keep u all posted!x
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Avatar_f_tn
What is your age?
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Avatar_f_tn
I know this is an old conversation but you never know who's reading..that being said, I hope you were able to get out of that situation
I remember when I was in those shoes...its not a good place..you feel so dirty,shamed,lost confused..ect. after it was over and done withn he finally left I was lost and depressed. I dodnt know how to live..really live. I started drinking and using drugs to numb the pain...it wasn't who I was and I hated myself for it. The world was to big and scary and I wanted out. I tryed to kill myself (selfish move)  I thank god I wasn't successful. I still had a family who loved me and was hurting just as I was, whoe endured the same abuse as me...I see it now but I didn't. I know how it is to be to scared to "talk" now almost 10 yrs later I still have the daddy dreams,the panic attacks, the fear of running inro him...my triggers that send me to flashbacks...but all and all...I'm doing great. I am not a product of my environment. I am successful and happy in a loving relationship..never feel like it was your fault..people can be menipulitive dark creatures. Lay your burdons down and forgive. Let it go. Do not let it control you. Learn from it. Except it..and it gets worse before it gets better.have faith. You are not aloan.
<3
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