i really need help

i am a 15 year old girl, and since i was as young as 12 i have been dealing with what seems like chronic depression. when i was 12-13 i used to cut, and i was very, very depressed i would pop any kind of pills i could find in my house and i attempted suicide a few times, i'd get randomly depressed and then randomly happy. when i was 14 i was bulimic and had another run in with the razor. and now i'm 15 and having many thoughts of going back to what i was. you may say this is hormones, but though i have amazing friends and a good boyfriend i have often thoughts of death and suicide and often freak out on people for no reason and have random mood swings. i remember my singing teacher when i was like 8 used to yell at me beacuse i never looked at her, i'd always look around. i can't concentrate. my grades have severely decreased after 6th grade ever since i moved in with my father, that's when everything started. when i was 12 my school nurse caught me cutting and told my parents and they put  me into counciling and they tried to called me schytzofranic (sorry can't spell) beacuse i'd see things outa the corners of my eyes and theres a voice in my head that is always there, it seriously rushes me to do things like turn on and off my life and run down my hallway though it's not as bad as it was anymore but it's definitely still there. I make drastic decisions out of nowhere and i honestly always think the world is never worth it. i definitely think i am a pessimist, at the least. i am very sexual, i can't help myself. i am first to say forget it about everything, i give up alot. i'm always tapping my feet or shaking something and not noticing it. and i lost interest in things really fast, like say i'll like a song, i'll listen to it a couple hundred times then completely forget about it. the only thing i can pay attention to is books. at night time or even randomly i get very very paranoid so paranoid i can't sleep or i start to cry or panic. i get mild panic attacks from time to time. i go from happy to sad very quickly. i got my period when i was 10. i have the biggest fear of being alone and when i feel alone i get really depressed and end up hurting myself, and i'm very irritable, i've hurt myself and others due to my rage. i get so angry i say the most hurtful things to people and then in an hour or so i'm fine and i want to make up and be best friends again. i really wanted to try to avoid talking to my parents about this because they'd say i was ridiculous and stupid for thinking this. please help me

[Collegebeauty22]

Hi,

I know what you are going through almost to a t. When i was 15 I went through a 6 week depression and then tried to commit suicide by OD. The depression came about for no reason at all. Everything around me seemed to be going really good, but i couldn't control my emotions. After the depression my best friend started to notice that i tended to have really bad mood swings and I was always irritable and i hurt people really easily. That was hard for them and my friendship , like yours, suffered greatly. My parents were very disappointed in me because not only had their perfect child tried to kill herself, she had ruin her perfect little rep by letting someone know that she was struggling. At the time I thought it was the worse thing ever and I was embarrassed by it and my parents were no help, but they eventually came to (even though it took 3-4years. I didn't get diagnosed with bipolar until I was 19 and in college. I was misdiagnosed the first time with depression and the doctor put me on Zoloft and it wasn't working so he double the dosage and that sent me into a mania. that's when they knew what was going on. I was struggled with cutting from 18 up til now. I still struggle with it and I am a grown women and you know what I have to get help for it. Just like you should. Talk to your school couselor if you have to or if you are involved in a church talk to your youth pastor or pastor. That's what i did. My parents didn't want me going to a psychiatrist or doctor so I had to do it on my own. Don't not get help because of what your parents think they will come around eventually. Get help ASAP. There is always someone willing to help. If you ever want to talk more just message me on here.  Have a good day and I hope things get better for you.