is this just bipolar or is it something more?

[growliegirl]

i have bipolar disorder, and i understand the different cycles i go through, but is it normal to have the inability to sleep EVERY night, and when i do sleep i ALWAYS have nightmares, and during the day, ALL i can seem to think about is that my husband is cheating on me, or that he will, and that my bipolar seems to get worse the older i get, and that i would just be better off dying to end the mental anguish?

[growliegirl]

You are lucky to have that. My husband loves me, but he does not understand my bipolar what so ever. he has had a rough life, and keeps his emotions and thoughts to himself most of the time. when he sees me go through an episode, he tends to stay away from me, or gets angry...but then later tells me that it was never me he was angry at, he just doesn't know what to do to help. Neither one of us have good communication skills. I have also been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder...so you can only imagine how complicated i can be. we have 4 kids between the 2 of us, and 2 with severe adhd. so we have alot of ups and downs between us. granted...we are in our first year of marriage. i know it's going to be tough for awhile. especially blending a family that have all been through some horrible things in all of our lives, and 4 out of the 6 of us have a mental health issue. i would say 85% of the time things are great for all of us...but when things go bad,, they seem to spiral. one day i love my husband, and the next day, i absolutely despise him. and the same goes for him. i take things too personally, and he acts like a child and blocks me out. it takes me screaming at him...after trying to talk calmly to him while he completely ignores me, for me to get the point across to him. this usually happens at night after one of us gets home from work. so i will get so upset and think that i am losing my marriage and life is horrible and i just want to die...so i take my xanax and i will go to bed. the next day, he will send me texts and be very sweet. but he will not apologize. im starting to think that is his way of apologizing because he is just learning at the age of 33 to communicate. it was literally beaten into him by his father that boys are to show no emotion, crying is for women and kids, and you don't talk about things. you keep it inside and shove it down deep. he has been working with me for over a year now on changing that. he goes to counseling with me on a regular basis..and it was his idea. he has never even come close to being abusive, and i know he never will..because both his mother and father used to beat him when they were drunk. i just want to learn how to control my outrages, my twisted thinking, and how to make our marriage work. we have a great life and a lot of love for one another, we just cant seem to get some things straight. any suggestions or help would be great. oh...and btw, we just found out he has emphysema and he has started chantix. surprising, he hasn't had any of the negative side effects. i think the antidepressant and antianxiety part of it is helping him big time because since he has been on it we have been getting along a lot better....he smiles more, laughs more, plays more, isn't so cranky, and he actually sleeps.

[babybonita]

Maybe a Med tweak would help. I would recommend something to help you sleep. Talk to your pdoc about a new Med cocktail. I've been tweaked several times ue to many ups & Downs. Nightmares are no fun. I have unwanted thoughts several times a day & they're hard to block. Sorry you're in so much pain. Things will get better!

[helplogan]

I do know EXACTLY where your coming from and wondering why my husband even bothers with me has been a question I often struggle with.
Low self-esteem is something I struggle alot with and that's after therapy that has tried to teach me how to deal with all my mood states.  
My husband's responce was this " I love everything about you and I married you for better or worse and bi-polar is a part of who you are"He has never judged my mistakes, he instead has helped me try to understand my condition. To a point where I can instead see an episode coming and hopefully take avoiding action. I.e I now do not have a credit card and I will hand my bank card over if we feel my mood could affect my judgement.
Working together and communication between you can make living with this condition and having a relationship work. I have found personally anyway!
My husband finds watching me having to deal constantly with my illness hard, not because he gets fed up with me but because he can't do more

[growliegirl]

That sounds EXACTLY what I am dealing with. I have such a problem with spending money for things "for the house," just like you. I make a decent wage...$18.38 an hour, and I don't have many bills. My husband and I split the bills evenly and we each pay our half. I have told him I do not want to have a combined account because of my horrible spending issues. i told him i would feel horrible to blow all of his hard earned money on things we dont need just because i am having an episode. i told him i wasn't trying to hide anything, and that he could look at my paychecks and my bank account whenever he wants, and see reciepts to prove it. he completely understood and agreed that it was a good idea. but i get approximately $1,200.00 every 2 weeks, and by the 5th day after I get paid, I am completely broke. And just like you, I never use the stuff I buy. but I do buy alot of expensive shampoos, conditioners, make-up, and perfumes just because i can afford it. it is definetely not a neccessity, but it makes me feel better. I have very low self esteem, and by wearing nice clothes, and doing my make up everyday (which looks like it was done proffessionally) it makes me feel a little bit better about myself. And yes, the mixed cycles manic w depression is horrible. i run around like crazy cleaning, cooking, and never sitting still, but at the same time i am irritated and irrational. i rant and rave that i am the only one who does anything around the house...even tho every time my family asks if i want help i tell them no because i need to work off all this energy i have. i hate going from happy to angry to sad to irritated to funny all within 20 minutes. my kids love it when i am manic because i run around with them and we have all kinds of fun. they also think its funny to watch me run around the house like a crazy person cleaning because i often run into walls or smack my head on cabinets because i am so manic i cant slow myself down. i even laugh about it. but then it makes them sad to see how depressed i can get and all i want to do is cry and lay around. it is a hard life to live, but i do it. i am honestly surprised that my husband can love me as much as he does, and that he doesn't want to leave me because of my mood cycles. he is starting to understand it, and he goes with me to my counselor so he can learn more and learn how to communicate and deal with me better. but believe me, we have our days. i believe he is bipolar as well. so i know how to deal with his moods. i just don't ever bring it up to him. he is never violent towards me, but he does accuse me of cheating alot because of his low self esteem, and he will get mad at me and not tell me why, and refuse to acknowledge me. but every day we get better and better. we know how to deal with one another, we know our limits, and we don't push them. in the end, we are there for one another and we love one another so much that we will do anything to make this work.

[growliegirl]

there is a lot of help for women in your situation, so do not feel like you can't afford to leave, or to get a lawyer, or that you will not be able to find a safe place to live. I do not know what state you are in, but in wisconsin, they have so many wonderful resources. after i had left my husband, my children and i stayed at my parents house. 2 days after leaving, he showed up at my parents house while my father was gone. it was just my mother, my children and i. my mom is 5 ft, 95 lbs....she went out side, and shoved me in the house and told me to lock the door. i heard the dog going nuts, and a loud thud, and i thought he had attacked my mom, so i whipped the door open, and he strong armed his way into the house and kidnapped my daughter. i immediately called 911, and they caught him on the highway just a few miles away and retrieved my daughter and returned her to me. from there, the courts issued a restraining order, and set me up with a women's shelter. they found me an attorney at no cost to me, they gave me and my children free counseling, they gave us clothes and toys to help us until we could get on our feet, and even helped me buy christmas presents that year for my children. i found a new job and stayed with my parents until i had enough money saved to buy everything i needed to move out...which was absolutely EVERYTHING. once i found an apartment, the women's shelter paid my security deposit, and helped with the first 2 months rent. i qualified for medical assistance and foodstamps which helped me alot. I took myself and my children to counseling on a regular basis, and I finally got myself on medication for my bipolar because i did not want to put my kids through any more trauma. i explained to my children that mommys brain works differently than others, and i explained to them about my mood swings, and that they should know that it's nothing that they did wrong when i get in a funk. they adjusted just fine, and they understand me and my moods. i hope all of this can give you some insight and courage to do what you have to do for you and your children. i promise you, everything will be ok. just stand up for yourself and have a positive attitude. that is the key...positivity even when it seems like all hope is lost. it will help you grow stronger, and good things will come your way. good luck. i will pray for you

[growliegirl]

There is a strong probability that he is bipolar, but my suggestion to you is to leave. Get out of there as soon as you can. He is refusing to get help, he is obviously violent, and the next step is violence on you and your children. My x husband was the same way. He started with just being very verbally abusive towards me and my son that i had from a previous relationship. Then when he got mad at me or my son, he would kill our pets and make my 3 year old son witness it...his excuse was that it was a "mercy killing", or that we deserved it because we pissed him off. Then I got pregnant. When we would go to my checkups, he would scream at me in the doctor's office. I had to change doctors constantly because I was embarrassed. After my daughter was born and i returned to work, he would call me at my job like 6 times a night and tell me he couldn't handle my "little ***** of a baby" and force me to leave work and come home. When I got there, the furniture was literally flipped over, things that my family had bought me were smashed, and he damn near threw my infant daughter at me and stormed off. Then he would start going out at night and not coming home until 4 am. I questioned him about it and he punched me in the face. Then he would say sorry and try to get me to have sex with him. I would tell him no, and he would call me a prude, and hit me repeatedly then go to bed like nothing happened. the next morning he asked why i was crying like a little baby, and i told him to look at the bruises on my face and my busted open lip, and his response was, well maybe you shouldn't have pissed me off. It was terrifying living in that house. one minute he loved me and was affectionate, and the next i was a ***** and he was hitting me. I had finally had enough once i found out he hit my son, so i packed up my car with all of our clothes and some of their toys, and ran away and never looked back. I hope and pray that your husband is willing to get the help that he needs and will change and never become violent towards you and your children, but if he does, run like hell. never look back. it may be hard and scary at first, but believe me, you will get through it. you could end up dead if you dont

[lindahand]

It sounds more like he is an abuser than bipolar. Perhaps a narcassist?  or a traumatic brain injury - maybe one that happened in childhood? I know people with TBI can have major anger issues.

The fact that this is constant leads me away from bipolar. If he had periods of normal (weeks not the odd day he is remorseful and nice) mixed in, and times of depression, than it may lead more towards a bipolar diagnosis.

And abused woman make excuses for the guys they love. He is violent
towards you. Don't wait until he does punch you to leave. And if he flies into a blind rage like that he could kill you, maybe not trying to but if he hits you hard enough. Then where would your children be?

If he loves you, he will go to anger management courses, he will go to counselling, he will see a psychiatrist, he will seek help to win you back. There is nothing you can do to prevent this behaviour. You could be the smartest woman in the world, best looking, perhaps you are. It wouldn't matter.

In the meantime you need to seek help. Abused women shelters will know of programs that can help you heal so you know you are worth so much more than that. It is no coincidence you ended up with an abuser because you grew up in abuse. You will continue to attract abusers until you change the story you tell yourself, and chances are you'll need a professional to help you or a support group. And if you stay with this man, you raise significantly the risk your children will marry an abuser or become an abuser. If you can't do it for yourself - do it for your kids.

[Anneinside]

If he is physically aggressive then you owe it to your kids to get them to safety.

[Amy4891]

There is a way to post your own question in the forum instead of posting it on someone elses question. It is an orange button at the top of the page it says "Post A Question"...just click on it. It sounds like he may be abusive sometimes people who are abusive can have a mental illness.

[Gstenson21]

Question I think my husband may have bipolar disorder he stays awake until 2 in the morning and we always fight like every week because he thinks Im boring and that I dont do enough for him, he always calls me stupid, and then 3 days later we're all lovey dovey. Yesturday our biggest fight was becasue he woke up mad and started punching my wall and throwing things so I took my 2 small children in the room and he started yelling because he said that I should have comforted him and if Im scared then hell leave and when I tell him that my father did this to my mother and Im traumatized he tells me to grow up and that Im stupid. Im so scared becasue some days hell say that he feels so depressed that he gets sick but whenever I suggest that he sees a doctor or gets on meds he flips out. Right now he's in the process of "leaving me" because I still have not spoken to me because when I look at him I feel as though I see the devil in his eyes I dont know what to do anymore

[nettie323]

hi,im nettie.i just got over 3 days of bad depression,want to do but cant,confusing thoughts,sad,cry at the drop of a hat,angry,upset,nothing makes me feel better,well today i felt alot better,got alot done and got caught up on things,im so glad i keep my journals,when i write my feelings down its like a release of how im feeling that day,so now i write down daily,what ive done,how i felt,and even how long it took me to get things done,it works great!hope to hear from all of you soon,nettie

[lindahand]

Please never again take 12 + of anything containing acetaminophen (Tylenol). That is a quick way to gibble your liver. At that point you should have probably been hospitalized and been given NAC to filter out the tylenol. And liver failure is an awfully hard way to die. Slow and painful.

I know we get desperate, but if you get that desperate go to the ER where they can give you a sedative, versus over medicating.

You may want to get your liver checked out just to be safe.

[helplogan]

I have rapid cycling bi-polar disorder, which I guess could be looked at in more than one way depending on where I am cycling at that pacific moment.  Does it sound familiar at all?  
Depressed and I can sob my heart out and still cry.
Manic and besides being very amusing according to my kids, I have spent thousands on stuff for the house and then never used them!
Now then I also get the worst of both worlds because I get mixed state episodes too. These are fun, depressed and manic at the same time with no let up Mixed state episodes are notorious for agitation, irritability and apparently these states are the hardest to treat, medicate and try to stabilise ( this word isn't in my vocabulary as I constantly cycle. )
Depending on my mood I can not sleep for days, my brain won't stop and like growliegirl previously, you can give me any sleep medication to try and for some reason they don't work. Even taking 20mg of temazepam at night , brain will do what ever it feels like doing anyway regardless.
I'm glad you managed to sort out some mediation through your doctor, hopefully if you can get a sleep pattern going again, it will give you a place to start. And I second the shout out to partners and kids because they are what have held me up more times than I can say. Without them around,  I guess I wouldn't be so...
Take care and hope things improve soon.

[growliegirl]

yea, after my 4 days anxiety attack, i figured it out that it was my past trauma that triggered a lot of things. as for melatonin, it doesn't work for me. nothing does, except for 2 mg of xanax a night. i have taken upwards of 12+ tylenol pm at a time, more than 3 ambien at a crack....nothing works to help me sleep except the xananx. FINALLY my doctor listened to me and gave me my script back. I just hate the groggy morning starts. But what is a person to do? It is the lesser of the two evils. I am just blessed and extremely grateful that my employer has a spouse that is bipolar and is very understanding of my situation, and I have the best parents, brother, husband, and children in the world. They have saved me more than what they may think.

[growliegirl]

my therapist is the greatest woman in the world. she has done me a world of good. I am in the same boat, I only feel normal when i am in a manic state...which luckily enough for me is almost all the time. I just had a severe 4 day anxiety attack and had to take almost 20 xanax during that time just to stay normal. it will probably never change...sorry to say, but it all depends on how you view things. i know i sound totally diff than just a few days ago...but as we all know, that is how us bipolars are. lol. music, art, and aggressive exercise help alot when you feel like you cant get out of the house. sorry to hear this is how you are feeling, but just remember, within minutes or days, you will feel completely different. lol

[lindahand]

Melatonin isn't a prescription but an OTC. Sorry for the mistake (this site really needs an edit option)

[lindahand]

Maybe you are a bit like me and the past stuff triggers the bipolar stuff.  I find I need to deal with both.

Not sleeping is a sign of trouble bipolar wise. If you've had no success with meds you may want to try melatonin. Its the substance the body produces to tell it that it is time for sleep. You take it a half hour/hour before you want to go to bed. I take 3mg, but it is perfectly safe to take 6. I have taken 6 before when I really needed it. It isn't going to knock you out probably, but will make it easier to sleep. And it is a cheap prescription. Under $10 if I remember correctly for 30 or 60 3mg tablets. It is really really important to try and get the sleep back under control. And even if you don't sleep it is important to rest in bed to give your body a break. You can listen to soothing music or do progressive muscle relaxations.

Good luck. It sounds like you are doing great considering. I hope you can get the sleep things sorted out

[irishmarine]

Im just wondering how you made out with your therapist. You have the same symptoms as me so Im wondering if therapy helps. I just got over a week long bout with insomnia after somemedication changes. I missed work and was unavailable to my family. I have since slept and as you said had nightmares. I am 41 years old and dont see this ever changing. I take meds and the only time I feel somewhat normal is when I am in a manic state. Some days I cant leave the house and some days I feel like I can be President. You are not alone and I hope you are doing better.

[growliegirl]

Luckily enough, I get to see my therapist tonight. I am most definetly going to take your advice and ask about the borderline personality disorder and the kindling effect. The crappy thing is, almost ALL the medical "professionals" in my area are a joke. They don't have a clue as to what is going on. I can tell them that I want a certain drug, and they just hand me the prescription, which used to get me into trouble in the past because I just wanted to kill the pain, so I would abuse whatever was given to me. Now that I want to be better, and I want to live, I am taking this very seriously...which is why I am now on here. There are days that I am scared of myself, and other days that I feel unstoppable. I know I could never hurt another individual...even when I am being attacked. My x-husband came at me in one of his classic fits of rage, and instead of me trying to attack him, I grabbed a coffee mug, slammed it against the wall, grabbed a jagged broken piece of the mug and told him that maybe he would be happy if i just died, and i sliced my arm open from the palm of my hand to almost the inside of my elbow. He pushed me so far mentally with the horrible things he was saying, that I just flipped. The only way that I can describe that was that I saw red. That was the one and only episode where I hurt myself. But for as long as I can remember, when i start to get frustrated or angry I can't remember the things that I say after an episode. I talk to my therapist about all of this, but I let so many things fly out of my mouth that she doesn't know where to start. I sat down one day for 5 minutes and I wrote every single thing that ran through my mind and gave it to her. So we are working through everything I wrote down. My husband does go with me once a month to a session so that he can understand me better and so we can continue to have a healthy relationship and grow together. So all hope is not lost

[Amy4891]

I had alot of nightmares when I was having an anxiety episode. Aside from that I have had no problems with nightmares. For the thoughts of your husband cheating on you it could very well be borderline personality disorder. Also with the bipolar disorder getting worse for you over time you could be experiancing the kindling effect.
I think you should talk to your psychatrist and/or therapist about these concernes. I am sure they could help you best.

[Anneinside]

From what you wrote it is impossible to see if you fit the criteria of bipolar. I suggest use the links at the top of the page under health information for information on bipolar. The other disorder you might want to look up Borderline Personality Disorder which has a big component of fear of loss of a relationship.

[growliegirl]

Oddly enough, I do not see myself as depressed. I have had many horrible things happen to me during my 31 years of life including sexual abuse, domestic abuse (from my 1st marriage), rape, and an emergency hysterectomy at 25... and miraculously  I function just fine. I have sole custody of my 2 amazing kids, an amazing new husband, and 2 great step sons. My counselor cannot believe that I can do everything that I do. I am generally happy, I work full time at a factory, and I am constantly told by teachers, guidance counselors, and other parents that my children are the most amazing children they have ever met. It just confuses me that I can go through all of these negative thoughts, and have all of these issues, but yet I manage to be a good person and I haven't done anything to hurt myself. That's why I was curious about all this crap that is going on with me in my head. It only seems bad when I am alone. I have tried tons of meds, and none of them seemed to work right. I now take depakote and xanax. It helps to level me out a lot....but like I said before...I sometimes wonder what is really going on. is it really bipolar or is it something more. idk....idk....idk

[Gnil]

MY!!!???  You really are in "Pain" Yes it is quite normal to not sleep Every night it is called INSOMNIA, and then when you do sleep YES the nightmares TORMENT YOU!!!! I am so sorry that you think your HUBBY is cheating on you etc??? BUT with BI-POLAR things rush in our HEADS 2million times to one ON AND ON!!!!!!  IT DRIVES YOU NUTS!!!!
It should not get worse as you get older it means you are NOT being treated properly with your MEDs or they are not effective anymore, they are not doing what they should be doing?????
Normally the dreams and fears you are having CAN!!!! have something to do with a pain or fear or deep hidden something that ONLY YOU CAN find the answer TO????
Until you can confront this whatever is deep inside of yourself And I DO URGE you and HOPE you are getting PROFESSIONAL HELP as well, you will not be able to move on from this fear!!!!!?????
I know I experienced the same sort of thing you are going through!!!!!!
I hope this helps you or you can understand maybe something and find some peace with this ANGUISH!!!! you are suffering?????
There is light at the end of this very LONG DARK TUNNEL!!! I am proof of THAT!!!!   I NEVER THOUGHT i would see the light either????
I promise it does get better, it is baby steps to start, and you are not alone?????
I am thinking of YOU!!!!!  And I CARE!!!!!  YOU CAN live a normal life so don't give up???
Write to me PLEASE!!!!!