Aa
is this the bp, depression, the meds-- or just me????
i'm unearthly consumed about my bipolar and meds and depression..... is it the meds? is it just the workings of the BP? depression? do I need to have my doc check my thyroid levels? maybe add in some cytomel?? I dont want to do anything, go anywhere-- not even out to the mailbox most days... i know i have all this **** to do-- i just dont have the motivation-- and i just dont care about it... i feel locked up inside myself, in my head, like there are 2 parts of me-- the logical, intelligent, active, normal me-- and i am locked inside a sound proof glass cube and the sad, depressed, trance-like negative me is so wrapped up in her sadness and grief, yes-- grief ( for the former life of normality-- for the disseminating of the 2 parts that make up the whole-- she is so grief stricken, numb- and blind to all light---- she cannot see the "normal" positive me crying, yelling, begging to be released.... i am stressed to the gills, my eating habits of late are an indicator-- just a big cup of strong sweet coffee in the morning, near nothing-- or nothing for lunch-- just dont want it...then as evening comes-- I am starving and i eat constantly-- the point that i feel like i will explode... and yet i am still wanting more-- nothing satisfying at all..... i'm miserable, and i just dont care, and i know i should be different... what's going on????
Actually the way each person has bipolar is somewhat different. I am on Clonidine so on the first day of the application such as today there is relative stability. On the last day there is some rapid cycling and some dysphoria (the dysphoria may be neurological in origin, they are still studying it). The family member with bipolar tends to range from euphoria to an agitated mixed state though as they start treatment they may begin to stabilize. However, due to the marked remmission I have in psychosis which is close to complete I have a self understanding that if I have the idea to do something manic or inappropriate that part of me will basically call the breaks on it which is something I could not do before my current recovery as regards psychosis. And with that new anti convulsant that is showing mood stabilization properties there is a fuller mitigation of manic episodes as well.
I could not explain what a manic episodes was like when I was experiencing one but when I began to step out of it then I could explain it to people without a psychiatric disability afterwards and what I had experienced. The biggest mistake people make is to think mania is "fun" which is completely untrue because its a loss of judgment that after a while feels frightening. When I signed up here I was off a mood stabilizer (not on my own decision but because nothing could be found) and the antipsychotic agent I am on like the current ones needs a mood stabilizer with it because I have schizoaffective. But people with bipolar of any kind since their symptoms vary may not understand each other's experience either. I knew that before recovery I wouldn't often say that I "hated life" or "hated people". Naturally that antagonized a lot of people. I knew part of that was psychotic. What I didn't know is that aspects of that were dysphoric. Now I can look back and explain and understand everything and regret what I did during episodes of loss of judgment but at the time it just appeared to be "part of me" and thankfully that has changed.
I could not explain what a manic episodes was like when I was experiencing one but when I began to step out of it then I could explain it to people without a psychiatric disability afterwards and what I had experienced. The biggest mistake people make is to think mania is "fun" which is completely untrue because its a loss of judgment that after a while feels frightening. When I signed up here I was off a mood stabilizer (not on my own decision but because nothing could be found) and the antipsychotic agent I am on like the current ones needs a mood stabilizer with it because I have schizoaffective. But people with bipolar of any kind since their symptoms vary may not understand each other's experience either. I knew that before recovery I wouldn't often say that I "hated life" or "hated people". Naturally that antagonized a lot of people. I knew part of that was psychotic. What I didn't know is that aspects of that were dysphoric. Now I can look back and explain and understand everything and regret what I did during episodes of loss of judgment but at the time it just appeared to be "part of me" and thankfully that has changed.
I often refer to my cycles like this as the 3 faces of me. 1) The happy, intelligent one 2) The depressed can't get out of bed - leave me the HE*L alone one 3) the manic, spend everything, talking non-stop, sex-maniac, poor decision making one.....
Unfortunately, like you are now, I stay in (2) the most and it s*cks. It does get better though (as you know, I'm sure).
Most of what we go through NO ONE will ever comprehend. I always think when I am at (1) that I might be manic so I don't get to enjoy it for long for worrying about the mood that I am in at the time. ...could it be manic or could I just MAYBE be stable??? hmmmm..... who knows!!!!
BP - stinks.......
Rach
Unfortunately, like you are now, I stay in (2) the most and it s*cks. It does get better though (as you know, I'm sure).
Most of what we go through NO ONE will ever comprehend. I always think when I am at (1) that I might be manic so I don't get to enjoy it for long for worrying about the mood that I am in at the time. ...could it be manic or could I just MAYBE be stable??? hmmmm..... who knows!!!!
BP - stinks.......
Rach
Thanks, Jenny,
I am saddened- but relieved to know that I am not the only one who has this type of feelings and /or reactions to things in my life now... I have just begun to deal with the illness-- I say that, because I was so recently (10 months) diagnosed and treatment begun. In the beginning-- I was SO determined to learn as much as possible about the illness, to pull my focus into controlling it- not letting it control me-- but it seems as if the more I learn about it-- the greater the hold that I see it already has on the control of my life... so, now-- some denial... some anger... some just wanting to let go and be consumed so that I do not have to fight it forever.... Just let go and be glorious in the bliss of not knowing-- of insanity... Funny, how my Grand mother used to say that (quote) " Ignorance is bliss".... I never really believed that- still dont for the most part. i seem to be able to relate to myself much better when I can write it all out-- and see it in black and white-- even putting it out for the constructive scrutiny of others.... Just getting it out there--- unloads quite a heavy burden from my shoulders.
..and the feedback that I can find from others is also welcomed . As for my writing-- I have always had a knack for that... used to compete in school in writing/literature contests, most times ( 3 out of 4) years, the school challenge would come down to me and one other (male) student, who also wrote magnificently, it would sometimes be both of us that got sent to regional... But that was a very long time ago!
I still write, some though.... and try to find other creative outlets as well. Sometimes it's good, and sometimes I get too bored with it...
Well, anyway, I guess I have rambled on and on now, so I will close.
Thanks again to all.
I am saddened- but relieved to know that I am not the only one who has this type of feelings and /or reactions to things in my life now... I have just begun to deal with the illness-- I say that, because I was so recently (10 months) diagnosed and treatment begun. In the beginning-- I was SO determined to learn as much as possible about the illness, to pull my focus into controlling it- not letting it control me-- but it seems as if the more I learn about it-- the greater the hold that I see it already has on the control of my life... so, now-- some denial... some anger... some just wanting to let go and be consumed so that I do not have to fight it forever.... Just let go and be glorious in the bliss of not knowing-- of insanity... Funny, how my Grand mother used to say that (quote) " Ignorance is bliss".... I never really believed that- still dont for the most part. i seem to be able to relate to myself much better when I can write it all out-- and see it in black and white-- even putting it out for the constructive scrutiny of others.... Just getting it out there--- unloads quite a heavy burden from my shoulders.
..and the feedback that I can find from others is also welcomed . As for my writing-- I have always had a knack for that... used to compete in school in writing/literature contests, most times ( 3 out of 4) years, the school challenge would come down to me and one other (male) student, who also wrote magnificently, it would sometimes be both of us that got sent to regional... But that was a very long time ago!
I still write, some though.... and try to find other creative outlets as well. Sometimes it's good, and sometimes I get too bored with it...
Well, anyway, I guess I have rambled on and on now, so I will close.
Thanks again to all.
I can completely relate. During certain mood states, it feels like I'm some other odd person, some unwelcome interloper - one I may not even like very much! In fact, it doesn't help the depression much, because I can be so self-critical, comparing myself to others and chastising myself for lack of humor or productivity.
Talk to your doctor. Maybe the addition of a new medication (perhaps an atypical antipsychotic?) would help. And hang in there. Even when you're depressed, you clearly have a very quick mind! You write so well - I used to have a writing teacher who equated clear thinking and clear writing; I think there's a lot of truth in that, and YOU obviously have a lot on the ball. Things will get better!
Talk to your doctor. Maybe the addition of a new medication (perhaps an atypical antipsychotic?) would help. And hang in there. Even when you're depressed, you clearly have a very quick mind! You write so well - I used to have a writing teacher who equated clear thinking and clear writing; I think there's a lot of truth in that, and YOU obviously have a lot on the ball. Things will get better!
Hi
I can't judge which is responsible for this bad mood, but as IL said it's mainly depression. Usually pts think of their current state without anticipating the future which is always changing from bad to good. Like you felt well sometime and now you feel bad, the opposite will occur. Of course this is our illness and the very definition of BP always unstable with mood changes and your lamictal tries to stabilize you but again there are no miracles, you have to withstand the bad days until it shines again and it shines all the time based on your past experience; for how come you feel it's bad now unless you know what is the meaning of feeling good, which means simply that it will fade away with a little of patience.
as to eating nothing in the morning then be hungry in the evening this is natural and you should know this as you work in the medical area. my father who is not bipolar, in the morning just one yugort and an apple whereas in the evening he does nothing except going forth and back to the fridge to see what is inside and keeps eating like hell until he sleeps. this applies to everybody i know, sure there is a way to stop it but specialists only who can tell. I remember once an Italian lady told me if you don't want to put on weight eat only the things which taste ugly. I laughed and said what a life this can be. Always the sweet things which have the bad effects. if this eating habit is new to you then it accompanies depression. pdocs say when people are miserable the majority eat more and some much less or nothing.
have a nice day
I can't judge which is responsible for this bad mood, but as IL said it's mainly depression. Usually pts think of their current state without anticipating the future which is always changing from bad to good. Like you felt well sometime and now you feel bad, the opposite will occur. Of course this is our illness and the very definition of BP always unstable with mood changes and your lamictal tries to stabilize you but again there are no miracles, you have to withstand the bad days until it shines again and it shines all the time based on your past experience; for how come you feel it's bad now unless you know what is the meaning of feeling good, which means simply that it will fade away with a little of patience.
as to eating nothing in the morning then be hungry in the evening this is natural and you should know this as you work in the medical area. my father who is not bipolar, in the morning just one yugort and an apple whereas in the evening he does nothing except going forth and back to the fridge to see what is inside and keeps eating like hell until he sleeps. this applies to everybody i know, sure there is a way to stop it but specialists only who can tell. I remember once an Italian lady told me if you don't want to put on weight eat only the things which taste ugly. I laughed and said what a life this can be. Always the sweet things which have the bad effects. if this eating habit is new to you then it accompanies depression. pdocs say when people are miserable the majority eat more and some much less or nothing.
have a nice day
I would say any of the above could apply although its most likely depression. If you have a thyroid condition they should definitely check that out first. If not or after that speak to your psychiatrist and they could see whether any of your medications would make depression worse although its doubtful. Then from there you could discuss with them about available options as regards mood stabilizers and they could see whether its neccessary to add one or change the medication you are on to begin with. Its a whole process before they could see what applies and what's going on but do discuss it with them.
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