Ok! So every time I feel like I may be balancing out with my moods, I have to upgrade my dosage. The first time I increased, I was manic for a week then crashed. The second upgrade I was already down and got more down. I am just starting to come back up and feel ok, to only increase again tomorrow. I am really nervous about what will happen and how I will be. During my second upgrade, my rage was out of control. I had never felt that way before with such passion. I am definetly seeing some positive things on this medication, like the voices have stopped and I can actually get out of bed. I don't cry and I actually can shower and go to work. But I am unsure what normal actually feels like and therefore have no way of knowing if this is as good as it gets. Then of course, I think of my manic days and I want them back. I want my energy. I am reading the book, "I'm not crazy just bipolar" it is an awesome autobiography. She really explained how I feel depressed and manic in my own words. Amazing. I am trying to get all the information I can and read all the time. I check on here all the time and then I feel like I am getting obsessed. I just feel like there is a glimmer of hope in getting better, but it is always just out of reach. I can remember crying at the age of twelve because I was so depressed I wanted to die. I remember having panic attacks and breakdowns and no one able to help me or understand. I was afraid of everything and struggled with depression. I lost friends and jobs and family. I then turned seriously mainc during college. Experimenting with men and drugs to ease the pain. For once I was not sad. This lasted for a long time and I have been living this rollercoaster for too long. I just want to get off. Why did it take so long for anyone to notice what was wrong with me? why did noone help? I have so many questions and just want to be happy with going to work and coming home and being "normal" I don't want to stress about the unorganized closet or the cupboards that need painting and reorganizing. I don't want to count and recount my money to be sure there is enough or stay awake wondering how I will get everything done if I keep sleeping. Then I want no fog and I want to feel - being numb *****!
We will hardly ever experience normal. What we can experience is something called euthymic. We wil always be different that everybody else. One of the final things in this process of managin our illness is to not want to go manic anymore. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it is necessary for us to come out of manic depression but we all know what goes up must come down. I now fear my mania and when it comes I stop the things that make it worse....
and so many more
There are things that I have no control over but trying to learn everytime I have breakthroughs only keeps me alive that much longer. Suicidal thoughts are common with us and it is serious alot of times. That is also something we have to learn to be aware of and take seriously. I am on Lamictal. I am on the highest dose of it and I am on Seroquil at a descently high dose.
Bipolar disorder is often called hypersensitivity. The things to be really mindfull of are catching the signs of depression and learn what medicine will help with that because some doctors thin that our mania is the most serious part of our illness. Mania for us is dangerous for everybody else. Depression for us is dangerous for ourselves. I am on here alot. I don't know everything but I have alot of knowledge about this disorder. I know about type 1 because I have been all my life. I also chose to learn about type 2 because my ex girlfriend was a type 2.
Wow I am out of breath....lol, if that makes sense.
I will always be here to help if you need anything else. Hope this helped.
Ok so tomorrow starts the increase. Of course today I can feel my blood rushing through my veins and can feel mania coming on. I am trying to face this monster for what it is. I love the feeling, but know that it is not good for me. During my last manic episode, I tried to leave my husband of 15 years. I looked him straight in the face and told him all of his faults and then ended with the fact I had cheated on him for the 2 months before. I had no feeling and did not care. I look back on that now and am glad he took it like a man and remains my biggest supporter. He is the one who helped doctors to understand that there was something wrong with me. No one else seemed to notice through my fake smiles and my high energy.
We shall see what tomorrow brings or rather Friday! Til then, I will use this energy to my advantage and get this house clean, Christmas shopping done and wrapping up my last class for school. Work was productive as well.
You are, of course, welcome Angela. I am pretty good at noticing the signs of mania and depression as well. It took me a loooong time but I have a descent handle on it. While you are getting use to the medicine you may be wrong more than you are right but it is because the medicine is working. Please let me know how you feel tomorrow. If you are depressed, I can likely help. If you are manic, I can likely help. If you don't even know I have been there before too. I have a lot of knowledge with this and it mostly because I have to. It what keeps me alive.
I am on here almost everyday and I will always try to help,
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