Aa
my reality, is it yours also?
Hi everyone, I'm Lucy, bipolar NOS and learning to live and move forward. I wish I could snap out of indifference. My therapist told me yesterday that "our" goal is for me to function independently from therapy. I have never been part of an online community. I wonder if it would help me emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. I have to give it a try. I want to snap out of indifference and sadness...I wanna be the Lucy I was before my first onset: a passionate, goal-oriented, thriving woman. Today I feel like a sphere pushed in space: moving at the same pace, same direction, simply because it was pushed, without a will, not knowing its destination. It seems to me after reading the postings in this community, I'm gonna meet people who understand me. Looking forward to my new journey. With a hopeful heart and an open mind, fighting to be the best of me. Love, Lucy
Oh no bubulous. Now I'm going to be thinking about that too. Thanks for giving it meaning. I was literally up all night thinking about it!
I like the way you described your feelings. It was really touching because I feel a similar way, but I can never come up with those words.
When we are up we are stars. We are seen and we want to be seen. When we are down we are imploding with the pressure of society and we aren't seen. The only way to see us is by noticing how our darkness blocks the stars.
Will the sphere grow and explode like a star or condense like a black hole? We are like tiny universes.
I like that sphere analogy. I'm going to be contemplating that all night and what it means.
It is very hard and heart breaking to be away from family that you love, and especially being away from your daughters.
I see from your profile that you are 46. It is highly likely that you may be on the "change of life" and because of the hormonal changes which can take many years before finally completing that "cycle of life", it can play havoc with our emotions. A doctor can take blood tests to find out if you have a hormonal problem.
I have come to accept that we cannot have back what we once were (we cannot turn back the clock). We can allow ourselves to move forward with the knowledge that we have gained over the years and try to do the best we can. To look at life from a different angle and see things that bring us pleasure - nature.
Accepting the fact that you have a problem is half way there to helping you on the way to recovery. You will always have times when you will feel worse and other times when you feel strong and happy. It is a good thing that you are engaging your time with helping others, which will give you a sense of achievement and worthwhile living.
When we lose our children for whatever reason, a void is left that needs to be filled. We are no longer the carers and as we age, unfortunately, we are the ones that become the cared for. Oh I hate being old. The brain does not feel any different than when it was in its 20s, but the body tells you otherwise with its constant aches and pains.
I think coming on line with MedHelp is a good step for you to have taken. If anything like me, it takes ages to decide what to do before you eventually take the "plunge" and do it.
It is a great place to help you, especially with people who share your own condition and understand the emotional turmoil that you are going through.
Wishing you well and better health.
I see from your profile that you are 46. It is highly likely that you may be on the "change of life" and because of the hormonal changes which can take many years before finally completing that "cycle of life", it can play havoc with our emotions. A doctor can take blood tests to find out if you have a hormonal problem.
I have come to accept that we cannot have back what we once were (we cannot turn back the clock). We can allow ourselves to move forward with the knowledge that we have gained over the years and try to do the best we can. To look at life from a different angle and see things that bring us pleasure - nature.
Accepting the fact that you have a problem is half way there to helping you on the way to recovery. You will always have times when you will feel worse and other times when you feel strong and happy. It is a good thing that you are engaging your time with helping others, which will give you a sense of achievement and worthwhile living.
When we lose our children for whatever reason, a void is left that needs to be filled. We are no longer the carers and as we age, unfortunately, we are the ones that become the cared for. Oh I hate being old. The brain does not feel any different than when it was in its 20s, but the body tells you otherwise with its constant aches and pains.
I think coming on line with MedHelp is a good step for you to have taken. If anything like me, it takes ages to decide what to do before you eventually take the "plunge" and do it.
It is a great place to help you, especially with people who share your own condition and understand the emotional turmoil that you are going through.
Wishing you well and better health.
I am not a bipolar, even though my daughter thinks that I am.
I did read ALL of your message, and can relate a lot to it.
I totally agree with your comment "We have to believe in limitless potential, for our mind can prevent us from doing anything." And because of that, I got a steel lap top guitar for an Xmas present (I will have to be careful what I say I am thinking of getting in future!) I have problems with my acoustic let along trying to learn something new - I will be 63 in April.
You have done well with engaging with nature and I find that helps me too.
Thanks for sharing.
I did read ALL of your message, and can relate a lot to it.
I totally agree with your comment "We have to believe in limitless potential, for our mind can prevent us from doing anything." And because of that, I got a steel lap top guitar for an Xmas present (I will have to be careful what I say I am thinking of getting in future!) I have problems with my acoustic let along trying to learn something new - I will be 63 in April.
You have done well with engaging with nature and I find that helps me too.
Thanks for sharing.
What motivates me? Positively influencing the emerging generation in any area I can: volunteering cleaning a neighborhood; sorting donated clothing and canned food to distribute to people in financial need in the community; helping building homes, schools and vocational centers in less fortunate communities; and visiting orphans in Mexico.
After my onset I went down hill, I couldn't volunteer much time to such things anymore. I had to learn how to take care of myself, stabilize my brain chemical imbalance and cope with my reality.
Taking care of my immediate basic needs is also another of my motivations. However, the heart of my motivation was taken away from me: my daughters. This is what brings tears to my eyes and a sadness that's constantly present in my life. I'm living what I feared the most: being separated from my girls. I'll post more in my journal entries.
Thank you very much for taking the time to comment in my post. Same as the other posts, your post has been a warm touch in my heart, a reminder to not lose hope.
After my onset I went down hill, I couldn't volunteer much time to such things anymore. I had to learn how to take care of myself, stabilize my brain chemical imbalance and cope with my reality.
Taking care of my immediate basic needs is also another of my motivations. However, the heart of my motivation was taken away from me: my daughters. This is what brings tears to my eyes and a sadness that's constantly present in my life. I'm living what I feared the most: being separated from my girls. I'll post more in my journal entries.
Thank you very much for taking the time to comment in my post. Same as the other posts, your post has been a warm touch in my heart, a reminder to not lose hope.
It helps me knowing I'm not the only one missing the former me. Thanks for your posting.
I also struggle with my faith big time...sometimes I don't even want to believe in a Higher Power anymore. But then my spiritual side pulls me back.
Hello and welcome to the bipolar forum. I am glad you found this place and I hope you stick around and share your story and experiences with us. As you could likely guess it is hard to keep a lot of people on here because (like me) it is easy to stick around for a while then BAM depression hits and you don't sign in for a while.
Indifference is a challenge for me too. I also have a huge struggle with my faith sometimes and my morality.
Please check back in and let us know more about you. You will find support here and may even make some friends. I have a lot of good friends on here including the people who have answered you on this thread. Welcome brightlight!!
Indifference is a challenge for me too. I also have a huge struggle with my faith sometimes and my morality.
Please check back in and let us know more about you. You will find support here and may even make some friends. I have a lot of good friends on here including the people who have answered you on this thread. Welcome brightlight!!
Hi Brightlight.
My indifference came when I made the calculated risk of getting off bipolar cocktail & opiates.
I felt like a million bucks for three months. Then Bang. Deep deep badness.
The swings were too drastic. I ended up causing everyone tons of grief. And money. 4 hospitalizations later I'm back on meds. This time started with an 8 med cocktail. Learned to cope with 4. This med help web site has saved me many times.
A lot of very caring experienced folks here.
You'll be fine. Keep posting! Maxy
My indifference came when I made the calculated risk of getting off bipolar cocktail & opiates.
I felt like a million bucks for three months. Then Bang. Deep deep badness.
The swings were too drastic. I ended up causing everyone tons of grief. And money. 4 hospitalizations later I'm back on meds. This time started with an 8 med cocktail. Learned to cope with 4. This med help web site has saved me many times.
A lot of very caring experienced folks here.
You'll be fine. Keep posting! Maxy
I understand how you feel. I am bipolar and fairly stable at the moment but I often wonder and hope that I will return to the person I used to to be. I was independent, outgoing, etc... I don't know where that woman went. Maybe we will get our old selves back someday. I pray that we do.
I detoxed from opiates about 2 1/2 years ago. After that, I went through a long depressive state and indifference. I'd say about 1 1/2 years of my clean time I was very detached, sort of a totally given up feeling, but still going on, for some unknown reason. I wasn't sure what else to do, I guess. It has taken some serious shifting of my thinking, over a lot of time, to finally climb back out into my normal healthy bipolar self. Meds took away my mania, accept psychotic break through, but they made me feel flat affect, much like the indifference you are describing. I am still not sure if I am delusional or am actually becoming a healthy bipolar, but I have gotten out of the funk. So, it has been a long and winding road to discover my true mind again. My true mind is sometimes inspired, creative and energetic and sometimes it is empathetic, unmotivated, and fatigued. I tried so hard to avoid a psychotic episode that I wasn't really even living my life. I'm not scared anymore, I have truly accepted bipolar, not that I made it go away or want it to go away, but that I surrender to being change. I'm adapting all the time, to myself. If I don't get too exhausted, physically or mentally, I seem to be staying a good distance from a psychotic episode, though the cycles still come and go. If I am happy and boardering on psychotic, I have to be careful, my kids will feed it. Apparently I'm pretty fun, just before I'm not. I'm not trying to cage my mind, but am more in the saddle, turning my head gently to generally go in the right direction.
ANyway, I think I relate to what you are saying, at least some. So, after I detoxed drugs, I spent a long time meditating on what inspires me, at first glance, it was nothing. I kept searching for a good year, before I finally felt something, like motivation. It came and went, then I started to see stress as motivation, mania as inspiration, and depression as empathy. My whole consciousness is changing as I shift my perception. That is my main question to you, what inspires you? If you don't feel it, try to remember some things that have inspired you. What did that inspiration encourage you to DO? This was the form of self questioning that has helped me to get out of the eternal funk. It's hard to be patient for me, I have no concept of time. I see the past as a long time ago, or yesterday, I don't have memories in order of chronology, but in order of importance to me. It is paying off though, but of coarse all our minds are unique, yet I hope my thoughts help you in some way. Look forward to knowing you, more the merrier.
By the way, what I found to inspire me, was being the solution, rather than part of the problem. All the things I resent, like corruption, injustice, greed, gluttony, I try to work a little on those things every day. I live pretty sustainable, teach people about aquaponics and hydroponics, support local farmers, raise worms, chickens, and walk most the time. I only start my car if I have to. I didn't feel it a long time, but as I kept doing those little things, I have slowly felt it, the motivation to want to go on and do things. I am excited to see what YOU find, or once found, inspiriting and what it motivates inside of you. We have to believe in limitless potential, for our mind can prevent us from doing anything.
ANyway, I think I relate to what you are saying, at least some. So, after I detoxed drugs, I spent a long time meditating on what inspires me, at first glance, it was nothing. I kept searching for a good year, before I finally felt something, like motivation. It came and went, then I started to see stress as motivation, mania as inspiration, and depression as empathy. My whole consciousness is changing as I shift my perception. That is my main question to you, what inspires you? If you don't feel it, try to remember some things that have inspired you. What did that inspiration encourage you to DO? This was the form of self questioning that has helped me to get out of the eternal funk. It's hard to be patient for me, I have no concept of time. I see the past as a long time ago, or yesterday, I don't have memories in order of chronology, but in order of importance to me. It is paying off though, but of coarse all our minds are unique, yet I hope my thoughts help you in some way. Look forward to knowing you, more the merrier.
By the way, what I found to inspire me, was being the solution, rather than part of the problem. All the things I resent, like corruption, injustice, greed, gluttony, I try to work a little on those things every day. I live pretty sustainable, teach people about aquaponics and hydroponics, support local farmers, raise worms, chickens, and walk most the time. I only start my car if I have to. I didn't feel it a long time, but as I kept doing those little things, I have slowly felt it, the motivation to want to go on and do things. I am excited to see what YOU find, or once found, inspiriting and what it motivates inside of you. We have to believe in limitless potential, for our mind can prevent us from doing anything.
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