please help

[wraver]

I really need some help, my girlfriend hashad many problems over 14 years, like drinking drugs and sleeping with many men on the spare of the moment and women.  she has a daughter and is currently in rehab.  I left a wonderful relasionship to be with her only to be dealt with drinking, sleeping and cheating.  one min she loves me more than anything in the world the next she is totally cold.  the drinking really makes things worse.  she has also has phycotic moments where she focus's on corners, repeats herself, her eyes roll back into her head and she scrams in agony and pain. I see the ups and the downs.  the ups make her do whatever she feels like, which was usually drinking, drugs and sex.  the downs are drinking, sleeping and not doing anything.  I used to be so secure and happy.  Now I am a sad insecure person that loves this woman more than anything in the world.  Its hard for me to believe what she has told me about the horrid things she has done in the past.  I recently proposed to her whilst she is in rehab and hoped that this will give her a goal and for me and her daughter to be happy.  she is getting councelling in rehab and the doctor will try to do tests for bi-polar.  I guess i am just looking for someone who has a similar story to my own and who may have a happy ending as i am struggling myself to carry on.

[wraver]

Thank you for all of your advice you are making it much easier for me to deal with and i am acting on your advice.  much love to you all

[Bryansbrain]

It's interesting reading the post of someone on the other side of a relationship like this. I am bipolar, although this is not how I define myself, and I have been sober for almost three years. I have a wonderful wife who has been with me now for over ten years. I guess I just wanted to post to let you know that no situation is hopeless. I hit rock bottom more times than I care to remember but today, I am happy, sober, and my mood has been steady for awhile. I also wanted to let you know, from experience, that doctors in general try not to diagnose a patient while they are in rehab. Probably because first and foremost the patient is an addict. And being an addict can either mask a mood disorder or be mistaken for a mood disorder. My current diagnosis is alcohol abuse in remission and bipolar. With regards to medication, yes there are medications that can make you feel numb, or sadly indifferent. However, I know that I would not be where I am today without medication. A doctor just needs to find the right one for the person, I take Lamictal which is good mood stabilizer without all of the side-effects of older drugs like Lithium. I just read a report in which bipolar patients ranked how they felt and what they were on. The top two things, in this report, were Lamictal and Yoga. One final point, it is normal for someone with bipolar to not want to take medications--we love feeling manic and we can miss that feeling. That's why I also see a therapist and stay as busy as I can. I wish you the best and hope that the two of you can find stable happiness together.

[wraver]

thank you so much for your replys, its taking such a long time for her to get a diagnosis, i dont even think the doctor has put her in for one yet and the rehab place are more bothered about keeping her busy and not drinking alchohol anymore.  I will push for the doctors in a couple of weeks when i am aloud to visit her.  i have nobody to talk to about what i have been through and reading your replys help me so much.  I wont give up on her, but it is heart wrenching been out of contact and letting other people look after her.  I think she is now opening up and realising how bad she has been to her family and me.  i just worry about what happens when the mana comes back, hopefully if she is sober she can control it.  Thanks again for your kind and helpful words.  much love x

[marina000]

Wraver, i forgot to tell you something. The "no showing emotion" is a defense mechanism, like a wall if you like, it prevents people to approach her.
In reality i think she is screaming for attention and caring. You job is to do the efforts to reach out to her, eventually the "wall " will break and she will trust you again. Addicted people don't become addicted over night. Bad experiences make them use drugs, alcohol, and even sex just to relieve the choking pain they feel.
Do not give up on her if ever loved her.

I was not an addicted person, but i know what it feels like to carry on a wall around your heart but being in screaming pain and no-one to understand that. I know what it feels like to be abandoned because it was easier to think that i was a spoiled brat and walk away to let me "grow-up". The results where almost 6 years of living hell, because the mind is a complicated thing and it involves everything else.

Anything that you guys need just ask.

[marina000]

Traumatized people have a lot of difficulty in trusting others, even the one who are more attached to them, plus addicted people fear judgement from the people who surrounds them, feelings like "pitty", they also fear abandonment.
So, care, love, patience and understanding should be a start, to show her that you there for her no matter what, you won't let go. It's easy to walk away, but if you do, she will fall into her illness all over again and worse get angry with life and the world, and then it will be twice harder to get her treatment or any kind of help or to approach her.

Now, about the medication!!!
The medication doesn't "numb" emotion, they are still there, medication is not a magic potion you know :)
It will smooth the emotion and give her balance so the psychiatrist can do his part of the job, get to her and smooth all those nasty experiences she is going through.  
There are some medication like anti-anxiety medication that can prevent anxiety/panic episodes.
So, therapy and medication are both the answer. She can't stop non of them until she gets better. Not cured. Better. Trauma, Bipolar, or Mental Illness don't have a cure but when taken cared of, for a while they lay low, like hibernation.

Don't give up on her, don't lose hope. I know i didn't.
My prayers go for both of you. Any question just ask.

[lindahand]

If you are on too many meds or meds you are sensitive to it can numb emotions. Sometimes this is just temporary while you are getting used to a new med and fades in a month or so. So it is good not to give up right away.

[wraver]

Thank you for your reply, she is in rehab and when the addiction issues are sorted then i am getting a psychiatrist.  she has had such bad experiences for over 10 years and doesnt show emosion much.  Do the meds numb the emosions more?

[wraver]

I will buy the book.  She has hit rock bottom and is trying to get meds and a diagnosis.  It was the phycotic events that i was also interesteded in.  She hasnt had many of them and they only happened when she was under the influence.  I am guessing that these are a defence mechanism or some kind of flash back to something bad when she was younger.  sorry about the spelling mistakes. :)
.

[wraver]

Thank you for your reply. I will buy the book.  She has hit rock bottom and is trying to get meds and a diagnosis.  It was the phycotic events that i was also interesteded in.  She hasnt had many of them and they only happened when she was under the influence.  I am guessing that these are a defence mechanism or some kind of flash back to something bad when she was younger.  sorry about the spelling mistakes. :)

[lindahand]

If you aren't already, you really need to go to therapy too. Because you must be angry, and sad, and grieving.

There is a book called "Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder" and it is by Julie Fast and another person whose name is alluding me right now.

I am not in the same situation as you. Thankfully my bipolar is a lot milder. I've done things I am not proud of but they were not catastrophic.

Take care best you can. And remember that you can't help her, if you are not strong enough to help yourself. It is not selfish or unloving to put yourself and your needs first. It if very loving because then you have more to give. If you need a time away to find who you are again - then take that time.

And know that there is no man you could be that could have saved her from the behaviour. You could have been freaking Super Man, and she would still have gotten into the drugs and promiscuity. And now, it is going to be on her to get out of it. Hopefully she has hit bottom. I know a few recovering bipolar addicts and they've rebuilt their lives. It was hard work, they have a sponsor for when things get tough, they have to take their meds, but it can be done. There is hope.