question.

Hello everyone!
Firstly I'd really love to know your limits. (I.e do you have religious beliefs that sometimes help ground your actions?). I'm not sure what I have yet, waiting on diagnose. How about hallucinations? When is it a hallucination and not just the common peripheral vision mistake. I know I get delusions and my moods make nearly everyday feel like a struggle of endurance. I also know I have intrusive thoughts. But its not like I run around looking like a maniac. Is it possible to have a mental illness and suffer almost quietly? Not to say I don't have friends on the regular asking 'what's wrong'.  

Thank you!:)

[ILADVOCATE]

It was hard for me before my current recovery from schizoaffective disorder to ground my psychotic thoughts when I lost touch with reality. Manic episodes were a bit easier (which can be accomplished with keeping a mood tracker here for a start and printing out the results for your psychiatrist). I only knew to follow up with my psychiatrist and ask them what the warning signs were and keep in touch when they happenned.

[paranoid_cataclysm]

Well there's only one thing that grounded me and kept me alive in one aspect that I can think of but I got warned and my post got deleted immediately for mentioning the subject it deals with before even in an indirect manner so I can't list it, sorry.  I'm not sure about the hallucinations bit, you are sort of at a blurry line there.  Mind you, hallucinations can also be in your central field of vision and slightly complex like for example I've seen people in front of me who just disappeared or bugs (specifically huge cockroaches which I HATE roaches) and one time I even saw a bug on my arm and felt it and when it crawled out of view and I went to swat it off my arm but it just disappeared and I got really confused.  Sometimes they can be extremely complex like a person has a friend they talk to on a regular basis and then they come to find out the person isn't even there but I think this isn't common especially since auditory hallucinations alone are more common than visual hallucinations.  Hallucinations can also even come in the form of delirium where your whole perception of the world is altered or nothing like what it really is at all but both the times that has happened for me there was some incomprehensible element to it.  I think it's possible to suffer quietly partly because of people being uneducated on mental illness around you.

[matkowskia]

Thank you so much for both your responses. So then, I'm not sure what its classified having like peripheral visions. Only once have I been convinced that a cup moved infront of me and that my drawer was leaking. Usually its peripheral, seeing shadows move etc. I couldn't sleep in my own room for a week because I thought the devil followed me around there! Huge paranoia. So, really my question is when are you having a casual 'just thought I saw something' from the corner of your eye & when is it a hallucination.

[matkowskia]

By the way, sorry if you already answered this, I just woke up :). It'll take a while to sink in!

[paranoid_cataclysm]

Um I'm not sure I wasn't ever told when it's one or the other when the line is blurry like that.  They have a scale for visual hallucinations actually where the first level is your perception being overly sensitive or something like that and then the next is an illusion which is where you see something but not as it's supposed to be and then finally an actual hallucination of something not even there although they're all called hallucinations in general.  Not sure, I think you may be referring to something like I had going on which is probably an illusion where it looked like every single thing was moving along the course of movement it could move like doors looked like they were trying to slam shut and coffee tables sliding across the room or dolls with their legs hanging off of something kicking or a rocking chair rocking and so on I could list examples for an hour or more.  This happened in my entire field of vision though and not just the peripheral and was constant but if I kept busy I was unaware of it.  Sometimes worse and sometimes better.

[matkowskia]

Thanks for clearing that up. Another thing, you can't be severely commitment phob from a mental disorder can you?

[imsmiley12]

commitment phobic- don't see why not...I was scared for a really long time that I'd never find a guy who would be able to put up with my "crazy butt" but I found one i thought was a keeper and educated him early on (as best I could) about what he might expect and 5 years later he's still here!  Good luck on that one!

hallucinations- I sometimes see things out of the corner of my eyes, too, but if there is nothing when i turn my head i just try to ignore it.  What bugs me is I have nasal hallucinations.  I smell things no one else does. (Drive my honey batty when i search the house for the source...lol) I also sometimes hear noises (not voices) that no one else does, but I've come to rely on my dog to help me sort those out.

I wish you luck, and remember....YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

[paranoid_cataclysm]

I sort of have the olfactory problems myself, not often but sometimes when I smell food it will smell worse than rotten and even if I try to eat it it's really hard to finish it even though it tastes fine which makes no sense to me because I thought your sense of smell and taste were interconnected.

[zzzmykids]

I'm going to go out on a limb here.  You said you didn't know if any of us were really religious. I'm not religious but have a strong faith and relationship with Christ. This is the second house I have not had periphial sightings. But then two days ago...and I am the sanest I have ever been....I did have a few "different" movements out the side of my eye, two. The rest of the homes have either been periphial, audible or a feeling of a presence. It is a family thing, Gramma knew when she was in the presence of evil.
I do and so do both my girls and they are not bipolar or any psychosis. So do not rule out the supernatural. It does not mean you are not dealing with a mental illness, but it could be in addition, if you are spiritually close to God. This is a new home, the last was a new home but the four before that had activity.  My sister who is a Christian but not a believer in being able to see dark little moving objects,felt, saw and heard one four homes ago while watching our children.  She has no mental illness and has never witnessed this before.or since. I don't seek out or try to find, it just happens.
My level of spirituality has remained and increases as I study the Bible. I just think some of us have a heightened sense of spiritual awareness....along with a mental psychosis such as BiPolar. :)

[matkowskia]

I don't know how many times I can possibly thank you all for your replies before it stops looking sincere but I'll say it again; thank you! Its just odd, most of the stuff happens & at the time seems so normal. You think of suicide or hurting yourself or jumping off a bridge just out of impulse & it just seems casual. 4 days later you look back and it's like 'wait, what?'. Delusions especially! I don't know if you guys have dealt with this or not but I've caught myself once or twice thinking about the oddest things, right away thinking to myself 'I should stop thinking this in public, that guy will read my mind and laugh.'Anyone have any weird experiences? I love stories!

[matkowskia]

Oh! What's this with mental illnesses & creativity? Does acting quali? A great majority of actors apparently are.

[zzzmykids]

Many painters, singers and guess what...Presidents!
Now for me, I used to dream the scariest dream, a giant pencil would chase me and poke me, does that qualify? That was in early teens through twenties before diagnosed. When I needed to escape but wanted my husband to find me and ask what was wrong, I would hide in our closet behind his clothes. This too was before diagnosed. I woke up after a child had been murdered at my daughters school and had dreamt a whole play, wrote it in fifteen minutes and songs and all and our jr high at church performed it....again Before diagnosis.
I loved the activity, the adrenaline, the thinking faster than most other people and being able to play for hours with my kids...but I would forget to grocery shop or make dinner.
I was free for the first time since I was eleven from daily consistant depression, first time!  It is back.  I will soon have to go back on meds and my mental agility will change and my husband and girls will miss the woman I really am. I hate the antidepressants and what they do to us.  But what choice do we have?
Hope you had fun with this, there are dark sided stories but these were fun to tell.
zzzmykids

[matkowskia]

I'm sorry to interrupt but I can't sleep. Tried for the first time in days & can't do it. Closed my eyes & kept seeing BRIGHT flashes of light. I'm not even sure what's going on anymore, thought I was getting abducted by aliens! HELPPP!

[imsmiley12]

about an hour from where i live there is a hospital with what they call an Access Center.  It's basically mental health triage.  Sounds like it's time for you to try to find something like that or put in a "911" to your pdoc!!  Good luck and hang in there....YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

[matkowskia]

Holy crap this is really scary, I think the lights last night were the worst. My low mood wasn't even horrible, only one day out of the week was incredibly dark (then again I've secretly been cheating with pain killers my family hid from me). I told a friend last night & she thought I was a complete idiot, proclaiming I'm being dramatic, there's nothing in my room and I don't need help. Then again, she doesn't really know much about the hurting, the pain killers, nothing. Maybe I'll suck it up till the 7th? My psychiatrist is sending me to some 'specialist'. I KNOW there's nothing wrong with my retina, had that checked a few months ago. I'm officially pouring my heart out on this website, sorry guys!

[matkowskia]

Btw, when is it okay to check into the hospital anyway? Does it have to be on the verge of suicide?

[paranoid_cataclysm]

Suicidal ideations or attempts, lack of control, an inability to take care of yourself or handle your suffering, things like that.  You should get your retina checked out again anyway to be on the safe side because anything could of happened between now and a few months ago.  I sometimes see flashes of light when I close my eye or get in a dark place but I found out it was because my eye would start to spasm like crazy and only happened while it was jerking.  There's other eye disorder that can causes flashes of light in the dark.

Speaking of people with mental illness and who are creative, I also am bat **** ***** and write music!

[paranoid_cataclysm]

Oh yeah, first sentence was examples of when you should go to the hospital.

[imsmiley12]

At one point in my life I had what the drs called opthamolic migraines.  I didn't actually have a headache, but the room would go light and dark and occassionally I would go blind for a couple minutes at a time.  You could also be expreincing something along those lines.  Definitely get it checked out and rule out any physical reasons for the lights.  From all you've posted I think you are definitely ready to go to the hospital.  The good thing about the hospital is they don't just put you in.  They evaluate you first, so it's not like you are just automatically being admitted.

GOOD LUCK!!  YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

[matkowskia]

So, you might be okay enough not to stay? What about school? What determines if you stay or not? What's it like there?

[paranoid_cataclysm]

I think they generally keep you until they find a medication you can be stable on in all the circumstances I listed.  I got the police called on me one time to go to the hospital because of how I was acting for example and they were going to take me but told me they couldn't force me.  I'm pretty sure they also think of it as a hospital stay for physical reasons so you shouldn't lose your job or anything like that.  As for the last question I don't know because I never went the times I probably should of.

[imsmiley12]

they help you to deal with the school if you are still in high school or lower.  most stays aren't too awfully long.  the first time you go they will probably keep you close to a week. but once the staff and doctors get to know you better the quicker they will be able to help you.  they won't spoil you, but your stay there is about making you better!  most psych units have a schedule you follow. i'm not sure about the kid's schedule but an adult's weekday schedule is pretty much breakfast, meds various group activities, lunch, a few more activities, free time, supper, visiting hours, meds and bed.  the best part is if you need some one on one time there is someone to talk to and you can guarntee no matter what you tell them they have heard weirder stuff from someone else!!  The staff there understands that you need  help, and don't shun you because you are different.  they help you figure out ways to deal & be stronger while you are adjusting to the meds. good luck!!

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

[matkowskia]

Just emotionally snapped, dropped the pills long enough to get back into hurting myself. I just don't feel tomorrow has anything worth it. 3 days till school, till its back to plastering a happy face. Today was a completely aggressive day. Just feels like the world is spinning. I don't want to talk to anyone about it, I don't even care, I just want to be alone. THAT'S how you welcome the new year. My friends just completely seem uninteresting & shallow. Everything in the world bothers me. The stuff I want, I can't get. All I could think of to calm down and stop the spinning is to post this.

[matkowskia]

The silly thing is, death isn't my goal usually. Just getting out, just to hurt somewhere else really hard. I'm just extremely mad, I want to do something destructive to give an eff you to the world. Other days its because I'm sad, jumping out the car always pops up but not tonight. Tonight is souly for revenge

[imsmiley12]

IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO GO TO THE HOSIPITAL!! I understand how it feels to want to turn the inner pain outward, but there are TOO MANY  times that it goes too far and you die even if that wasn't your goal.  YOU NEED TO GO NOW!!

[matkowskia]

I can't, I just don't want to move. I don't want the sun to get up. My parents avoid the subject at all costs. All I can do is try and calm down

[matkowskia]

Everything is slowly turning surreal, the world moves quickly & I'm just letting it pass by. Why am I crying?

[imsmiley12]

you have 2 choices....go to the hospital or stay as you are and die.  your parents need to see your cutting and take you to the hospital. or just call 911 yourself and tell them your parents won't take you. the police and ambulance will be there shortly.  if you refuse to do anything to help yourself, i can only assume you are attention seeking, and I will cease to comment.  good luck!

[paranoid_cataclysm]

Well "dropping the pills" from your current state doesn't sound like it was the best thing for you to do.  You need to go to the hospital or at least start taking your pills again if possible.  You're going to cause people around you a lot of stress if you continue to be like this.  These are probably temporary feelings that should go away if you take medication again.