scared, hurt, confused & ANGRY

[tres1965]

I was hospitalzed due to an emergency surgery. They never gave me ANY meds except for morophine for several days, then OF Course, I crashed & burned. I am bp with manic depression. They also gave me none of my regular meds either. I have been on a regimend of seizure meds, Abilify & Lamictal, & Cymbalta. The anger part is six yrs ago when I was diagnosed I have never crashed before. Due to this though I have had several people abandon me. The part that gets me is that is was not my fault. I had night-terrors, dreams of dying, losing the only things I love too. Any suggestions on or to regain some sameness once again? Now no one respects me. I didn't hurt anyone, lie, or cheat, but I cried a lot of sheer pain, both physically & emotionally. I am still scared, it has only been 3 days back on meds...ideas pls...

[imsmiley12]

always carry a list of your meds, their doses, and your pdoc's name and phone number in your purse or wallet.  that way emergency personell have a chance to find out what you're on and help make sure you get your meds.  A lot of times even family will say "I dont' know what all he/she is on"  this will help a bunch!!  Good luck and you have every right to be proud of your daughter...kudos kiddo for taking care of  your mom!!!

[monkeyc]

I was so lucky because my clinical psychologist is a hospital one and she works for the hospital i was in - so when i started feeling delusional and bad she was there in a blink to see me, as was my pdoc - I had excellent support form the hospital staff who understood what was happening (had seen it before actually) so thats a big thing.

But the reality is whats real is you and if people turned away from you in need thats not your fault and never will be - I have found that being bipolar has educated me on what friendship really is - the true friends are the ones who just shrugged and said so what.  I lost a few friends due to my crashes in the last 2 years or so but in the end the true ones never went anywhere - some of them got a bit scared but they came back in the end once they could understand.

Your daughter sounds like a rock and at 16 one hell of a child - be proud of her.

There is a light at the end of the BP tunnel and as my lovely psych says the only difference between being bipolar and not being bipolar is that when you get right down to it you understand what its like to need help and have a bad day - a lot of the bipolars I know in real life are very caring people when they can be because they know the value of a shoulder to cry on.

[tres1965]

A note of PRAISE...
My 16 yr old daughter was recently diagnosed BP & OCD herself & she was fabulous
with my last episode with my hospital visit/surgery.
She held things together so much & now she is being a HUGE help. I am on a drain 24/7 & she just does/goes the extra mile.
I am just so proud of her & to be her Mom. What a great kid! Just goes to show ya' that being BP has a light at the end of the tunnell...
Tres

[tres1965]

Thanks for the advice.
I need to talk to my pdoc, but even that has quirks. My reg. doc. just left her practice for another, and I've only met my new one, 1 time. So, no repore' is there yet. Yet I need to
establish that trust with 'new' one again.
Abandonment is never easy, that's one area I've always been afraid of, here it is looming it's ugly mug again.
I've some questions as to what was "real" while in the hospital & what wasn't. But, I've
established new "safety nets", to try to sort things out with not appearing "out there".
I started by apologizing to the surgeon that did the emer. hernia. Then by trying to get the rest of the staff & world to regain some trust.
The staff infection isn't any better yet, but with being back on my regular meds, all seems possible again...
Thanks,

[monkeyc]

OK first thing is to take a deep breath.  There are lots of good people here who will listen and help where we can.

Ok so you crashed.  That in itself is hard, its hard on your self esteem and its hard to deal with the feelings you have inside you, the thing to remember is this will get better.  I know right now it does not look like it but it will.

Youre back on your meds, its going to take some time to get to where you were but yoou will get there.  It might  feel like no one respects you but they do, its just hard for some people to deal with a BP who needs help and some people just don't

My story for you is this and it might help.  When I finally had to face the fact that I was bipolar after running I was seriously manic, very badly so and a lot of people around me did not know how to take it, I lost several people I thought were friends who could not take it - that hurt me though now I see it as their loss not mine.  I was very ill mentally and physically and needed surgery in March myself and while I had my meds in hospital I freaked out on Fentanyl which made me delusional and dissasociated and that scared some people around me.

And yet the true friends came back, and in a twist of irony my boss, a man who had to deal with me in one of the worst manic episodes of my life an event that caused a real breakdown of our relationship just hired me for my new job and told me today the reason he did is because I always do the best job I can and he can trust me to be honest.

Right now Its hard, lean on the people you have who can support you.  Have you talked to your pdoc or therapist?

Breathe.  Take a walk, do something to relax, give it time - and remember NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT.  So do not, whatever you do, blame yourself.

There are some wonderful people here, don't be afraid to ask for help or someone to talk to you, and remember your'e not alone.