Ever since I was diagnosed and put on meds I've been depressed. I know my pdoc ***** and I have a referral for a second opinion but I have to wait to see my family doctor for that. What I miss the most is being manic. I know I made poor decisions back then, but I feel like I can control them now as I have more self-esteem. I miss the highs and being able to get things done. I miss going out and talking up a storm. I miss being HAPPY!! I'm so miserable now and it eats me away. My depression has gotten to the point where my personal hygiene is failing and that's never happened before. Prolly doesn't help that my employer won't let me return to work due to this illness. What is BP anyways? I still don't understand it. For me, it's just rage all the time. Sometimes (often) to the point of tears. But I get mad at stupid things like gender roles. I hate that I'm female and am expected to be a "housewife" so to speak. But when I self-medicate (with marijuana) I get manic and enjoy cleaning the apartment. I know I shouldn't self-medicate but I don't care. It allows me to be happy for a little while. I'm proud of myself for cutting back a LOT (from throughout the day to couple-few times a week) but I miss it so much at times because of the manic highs. I'd rather be manic than depressed. Wait, doesn't everyone? haha... there, I finally smiled today.
I dunno where I'm going with this. I guess I just needed to vent. I'm just so depressed and want to be manic again.
I understand your frustration, but I'm going to point out that using weed has a boomarang effect. It's a depressant to the brain and cause rapid cycling. You might feel good while you are high, but it will drop you further into a depression. It's pretty common to go into periods of time when you can't control your anger, irritability is part of BP, as well as rapid mood swings, I have them, but the meds I take now control my crankiness. Until you stop using weed to self-medicate you aren't going to get better.
I was pretty hypomanic through my 20's in hindsight, I'm glad I don't do that as much, because I realized that some of my chatter and hyperactivity pushed people away and I had a hard time controlling my risky behaviour, including smoking pot. Normal folks are always happy happy all the time.
I know deep down that the pot doesn't help; I realized that when I was out for a week and I finally started to think clearly. I'm peeved at myself for giving in and starting up again when I basically had it beat. But at the same time, I feel that it helps, too. My pdoc won't give me ativan, which I understand helps you calm down right away, so at times I feel like I'm stuck doing it my own way. I know I should tough out the week again, go through the depression again, so I can be clear-minded... and so that my pdoc might take me seriously, but I doubt he'll ever take me seriously, though... I guess I'm just mad that the meds aren't working... and I should blame it on pot and not him. Entirely. Long story, but my counsellor agrees that he's doing a p*ss-poor job; that's why he gave me a referral for a second opinion. My GP doesn't support me, neither, but I'm told she can't refuse a referral.
I'm glad that you really do understand that pot's not doing you any good. My ex is chronic and suffers from depression. She thinks that her moods don't change. Because she smokes so much 2-3x/day , she doesn't think she is addicted. She's downright cranky when she's high. She went a week without it, she was cranky the first 2-3 day, but then she was perky, upbeat and downright friendly. I can't be around her when she's high. I only see her now when one of us is getting the dogs. We both share custody. If it wasn't for the dogs, I wouldn't see her at all. She refuses to go to NAA, she believes you can't get hooked on pot. *shakes head*.
If you can get hooked up with NAA in your area, I really suggest it. Some pdocs will refuse to treat someone who could be self-medicating, my ex's pdoc has done that, from what my ex told me, he thinks it's pointless to treat someone who refuses to acknowledge and overcome an addiction. I was in a support group for BP and MDD for 4 months and it did me the world of good, I wouldn't be this stable if I hadn't gone to the group. (albeit I get many mood swings, but I know how to handle them).
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