who am i - lost

[hell1971]

Does anyone else feel like they cant be themselves anymore since being diagnosed. Will this feeling ever pass, I feel like I dont know how to behave anymore, like everyone is watching me, if I go to do something that perhaps I would do when hypomanic I try and stop myself because I think everyone is judging me, I am judging me, it can be something as simple as cleaning or mowing the lawns. I feel like I am supposed to suddenly be more boring than I was, my eldest daughter is the only one who still treats me the same still tells me im a fruit loop, I like it becasue that is who I have always been but everyone else is trying too hard to act normal but yet they are not. Does this make any sense to anyone, I just want things to go back they way they were sort of....

[cowgirlnerd]

Yes, I meant the people calling you silly.  I, too, have attempted suicide, and understand how you are even disappointed when it doesn't work.  I felt like a failure myself - because I couldn't complete it....I TRULY (at that moment) wanted to not be alive...in other words, die.   If you read my journals - you will see that I take suicide reallllly seriously.  I attempted myself (March 30, 2008)  and lost one of my best friends to suicide in 2007 - it's a real issues with me.  That's why I get so fired up about peoples ignorance in dealing with suicide victims and - that's not intended for you (or us for that matter).

It's the people who thought you were being silly for the issues you have going on - definitely not you being stupid.

No harm - no foul.  No apology necessary - I just hope you are doing well today.

Rach

[Omusicgame]

YOURE RIGHT.  TOO MANY PEOPLE TRY TO ACT NORMAL.  ITS BECAUSE IF THEY EXPOSE THEIR PROBLEMS, THEY WILL BE VULNERABLE.  YOURE JUST DIFFERENT AND THATS A GOOD THING BECAUSE THERE ARE TOO MANY CLONES OUT THERE.  DONT WORRY, YOULL BE ALRIGHT.

[bernie40]

Hiya,  yes I think cowgirlnerd was referring to the people who were calling you silly as being the stupid ones, definitely not you. :-)

[irishwriter]

did i misundersand your post if so am sorry.

[irishwriter]

i do not appreciate being called 'stupd'. my opinions are as valid as your own. i do view my suicide failures as just that as i do not want to be alive.pdoc know this and is trying to help me focus on small landmarks at a time to live toward because i can just about stay alive day by day. have tried so many combos of meds at this point having had bp for thirty years that hope is in short supply. did not need to be called 'stupid!'

[hell1971]

Thank you all again for all of these comments, you are all I have at the moment.
Im not sure my marriage is going to survive this, my husband is going to work earlier and earlier so he can "legitimatley" go to bed early, we have no marriage anymore, I dont see him in the morning and by the time the younger kids are in bed hes getting ready to go to bed too. Hes stopped communicating altogether now, its like now everything has been swept under the carpet and Bipolar is a bad unsaid word in our house.
Sorry just feeling sorry for myself, lost and just have no confidence in who I am and how I should be and what I should do.

[cowgirlnerd]

Well ANYONE that thinks a "suicide failure" is silly is just STUPID!  Any suicide attempt, whether successful or not - is serious.   GOOD LORD!  It always kills me that people who don't understand the suicidal ideations and risks are so quick to pass judgment - good grief!   They should be happy that it wasn't a suicide "success"????....  

I have had so many jerks involved around me that aren't supportive and are just down right mean about my diagnosis - INCLUDING my family, that I just don't surround myself with them.  INCLUDING my family....  

I hate that you are going through all of that - hang in there though, we understand where you are in all of this...it's not fun, but we are "normal" together.

Racheal

[irishwriter]

hi, yes have had those feelings (valid) that family are looking at me to see if i'm fixed and i can see that they are uncomfortable discussing it so i tend note too but it is difficult to keep up the 'happy act'. on sat night at 3.00 am i left them to it and went to bed. the once upon a time old me would have been the last person standing and i went to my room and sobbed wodering who is this person i have become!! they just do not understand. even my sister with major depression does the 'how aaaare you?' which drives me insane!! even thoug i know she is only trying to be of help. 'friends' have astonished me with their complete lack of support. one telling me that my suicide 'failure' and current cutting are 'just silly" another one just never talks about it.

[cowgirlnerd]

It's comforting to find similarities in our chaotic lives.    I guess we are "normal" through our differences!

Bipolar DOES S*ck!   BIG TIME!  :)

[2009toads]

Wow! just read your posts and I am moved.  I have struggled with BP for 7 years now and I agree with cowgirlnerd that Bipolar SU*KS!  Especially for me the paranoia that I can feel, at work from bosses, colleagues etc.  What has actually happened is I have received positive feedback for my work and contributions.  Society definitely judges BP and thankfully there are lots of compassionate people out there.

I am thankful for this forum and appreciate your sharing.  The best to all of you!

T

[cowgirlnerd]

I know what you mean about the pretending - did that for YEARS and still find myself going into that safe mode.  If you appear to be ok - you don't get those prying questions.  It's hard to know "who you are" when you pretend all of the time.  


Sincerity in asking is always an issue with me....do they want to really know how I am doing, even if it's not good?  or do they want to know that I am possibly going to have another melt down and they might have to see it or deal with it.  

Bipolar just plain old SU*KS!

[horselover65]

Is there a chance your husband would go to counselling with you and take an ACTIVE role so that maybe you can get back to the way things used to be?

Personally, I learned such a long, long time ago to pretend to be okay that folks don't know there's anything wrong. Some days they think I talk too much/too fast and others, they see that I can't seem to do anything. Rarely has anyone speculated and I usually come clean before they have a chance.

I am uncomfortable now when I have a "good" day. I might be able to string together a few in a row, but my norma periods are almost nonexistent. I hate that I am afraid to show to relatively normal mood because it only sets up the expectation that I will be okay for a while. I know I can start a crash any second, so I'd rather NOT hear that I sound okay. And, I'd love it if I got a truly heartfelt, "how are you doing". But, I don't get that. No medication reminders either. I think if I were you, I would try to get at least into a mutual session where he has to speak. He would find out pretty quickly and from knowledgeable people that some of his actions are not helpful; even done out of love, it can be tougher to be on the receiving end than anyone realizes. It sounds like he wants to be helpful and supportive but has so far refused to learn to do it properly. Give him a nudge. It might help.

As you know, you will be judged anyway. People are on the lookout for anything that is beyond their idea of normal. It can be hurtful. With luck, a lot of this will pass over time. I hope things improve. What you might do is look for an affordable book and pass it out to the ones who are the least understanding. Just a thought.

I suspect that this is scary for some of them and denial may be their best defense. I live with Mr. Denial and he's so clueless that I could be nearly comatose for hours on end and he'll come bopping in all chipper and cheerful with something "fun" he thinks we should do - something that involves leaving the house. Yeah, haven't had a bath in days, need to find some clothes, etc., but I'm up for anything. Not... It can be a daily battle, but sooner or later, I think you'll find some understanding. Hopefully, it is only a matter of time before things improve. Good luck!

[hell1971]

I know I shouldnt complain he loves me unconditionally but I feel sufficated, when I do relax and feel ok, he is a constant reminder that somethings not right, are you ok, have you taken your meds, talks to other people like im not at the table, shes a bit low today, mummy needs a rest, he comes to every doctors appointment and yet he has not made any attemp to learn about the disorder at all. I feel like he is treating me like a sick animal not a wife, we dont talk anymore, rarely have sex and is constantly asking me what I am doing and unless its having a bath or resting he looks at me as if to say is this the start of it. sorry just needed to get that off my chest, I know he cares and he has been fantastic but I feel like everything has changed and we have been together for 21 yrs and I just want to go back...

[cowgirlnerd]

That's hard - my friends used to tip-toe around me and ask me if I was ok and it just infuriated me.  I told them that they knew me before my diagnosis and I was the same person.  It just takes them awhile to see the positive results of meds and therapy to see you are going to be just fine.  

He just cares  - like you said - but he will have to give you some room to adjust.  It has to be your disorder so you can deal with it on your terms.   He can't want to own it for you or you will just learn to cope to avoid the issues (like we learned for YEARS before being diagnosed).  It's important to have our loved ones know that we got diagnosed to get help and to get healthier - that takes time.  

Hang in there.  Vent all you want.    We will be here!

Rach

[hell1971]

thank you so so much all of your comments have touched me and given me some hope. Its just so hard to be myself, I told my husband last night to stop constantly asking me if im ok, that I know he cares but it will be obvious when I am not ok and thats when he needs to ask. thanks again

[cowgirlnerd]

I couldn't have written that better myself!  Are you in my head???  LOL - really, I understand ALL of that - we do have to check ourselves all of the time, huh!

It's like you can't let yourself have a "bad day" or "mood" without thinking, "OH NO!  Here I GO!!!!"  It's exhausting!

My Mom, Sisters, etc., just ignore me now that I am actually "diagnosed"  -  before, I was just the crazy sister, etc., but with a name on it....now that's another situation!  They might have to accept it as something besides eccentricity!  

ANYWAY - I digress....  it's good to hear other people experiencing the same things.  

Rach

[cowgirlnerd]

I agree with Faith_grl...  it's overwhelming when you are faced with the diagnosis and the eyes being on you.  A lot of that is self-perceived - they really don't just stare at us - but we feel as if they do.

One part of that is that bipolar has a portion that causes paranoia: we just have it - paranoia!  It's not that people AREN'T judging us - that obviously happens.  For example, today - I was at lunch with 2 people from work and one was talking about a co-worker's wife and she said, "I think she is bipolar!"..... I asked her exactly what a bipolar looked like???  She said, "you know". .... so I asked her again - "would a bipolar look like me?"  She looked confused and said, "well, no - you don't "look" or "act" bipolar, why?"  I told her - "because I am bipolar" - she about fainted and was embarrassed.

In other words - people judge everyone for all kind of reasons - we can't be afraid of ignorance in judging us.

NOW, to be paranoid that you are behaving a certain way and you might be in an episode- I think we all do that.  When I first got diagnosed, I wasn't sure if I would become some other person - I didn't know how to be "normal".  Like you, my sons have always called me silly Mommy....how would I be if I got "normal" and wasn't silly Mommy?  That identity crisis, I have found is common, and it's pretty hard to overcome until you realize (once stable) that you are the same exact person - just the hard episodes, etc., are less often and people are actually going to be less nervous when you aren't in crisis.  

SO, long story short - the issues you are going through now are pretty common with us and forums like this one helps us speak out our fears without being afraid of prying eyes or judgment.  It will pass - you have to become more confident in yourself and in being able to control your bipolar episodes, and see that you are going to be loved for yourself...period.  My sons LOVE the Mommy they have and my oldest told me he enjoyed "Silly Mommy" (and he still has that part of me), but he really enjoyed not worrying about an episode a whole lot, too!

Hang in there, you will feel comfortable in your skin soon.

Racheal

[faith_grl]

Hey there,

I find what helps for me is after disclosing my condition with people I tell them how I'd like to be treated i.e. do not watch me, I am fine usually, and if I get abit out of control (manic) please let me know then I'll try to be aware and pull back, and if I am abit depressed let me know and I will try to crawl out abit. Please do not treat me with kid gloves that is the last thing I need.

The above approach has worked remarkably well with the three people I have dislcosed to..my mother, the boyfriend and the one boss that I work for. I hope this helps and please note that you are not alone on your journey :) You are in my prayers.

[hell1971]

I just feel so lonley in this journey, I only have a small group of friends ( very small ) they all mean well but have no idea, I feel like unless I am blubbing my eyes out my pain is so hidden, I feel like I am treated like a sick puppy or completley ignorred there does not seem to be a balance, i feel like something is brewing inside and although i look normal from the outside inside i am going to explode with almighty force that has never been seen before, i hate my thoughts and some of my behaviours and i cant stand it anymore if this is what life has in store.

[zzzmykids]

It sounds like you are going through a bad patch and getting no support other than your eldest daughter.  The thing is, unless you live inside our skin you have no clue what we have to do just to "appear" normal. We are constantly evaluating, checking moods, speed of speech, speed of thoughts, our dreams, our sex drive, our spending impulses, all of it. "Normal" people just go about their day.  Now the upside of this is, we discern other peoples moods exceptionally well, read their personality and body language.  When  you and I see a flower, we REALLY see the flower, or a sunset or a genuine smile on a loved ones face.  We see their worry and misunderstanding and because we love them we take it as rejection.  I know, all my kids are home.  We have two daughters, one son in law, two grandbabies, and an extra dog oh and a fiance' over regularly as well. One daughter sees it as I am sick, I will take care of Mom, the other sees it as how in the world did you evolve into this lump on the bed and be of no use to anyone?  My son in law sees it as a "sin" problem and our grandaughter who is five, when I am in the bed all day and not playing with her she gives me the silent "I am observing you gramma."  My husband doesn't have a clue but he openly loves me, holds me, lays in bed with me and really tries to understand...he has had a bout of depression once when his dad died.  I have an inner circle of friends, do you? This inner circle has been there some of them before I was diagnosed twelve years ago, they don't understand but they love me and support me and listen.  The ones I still have a hard time with are my family of origin, mom,dad, brother plus his family,  sister and her family and a few others.  My pdoc just says put boundaries in place or don't have contact with them.  I have boundaries in place but when my mom asked me why I was crazy, what caused it...that was hard....luckily my youngest daughter, yeah the one that disrespects me was standing there and gave a great example of the difference between my sister who IS crazy and bp2....we left the next day, lol.
Hang in there hell and know that we are on a path to learn, we are smarter than most and our compassion for the hurting is welcomed all over the world.
Good way not to spend too much is not have credit cards.  I simply use cash or money orders for all I do.

Know you are not alone,
zzzmykids/c