why?

Hello everyone..my soon to be ex wife has bp 2.she says she still loves me but says im better off without her.is this typical?is it the bp making her feel this way?or should i take her at her word this time..

[moviestardude99]

Well it can be both is her meds working?

[chucksboy]

Hey,ye she has tried loads of different cocktails over the years the most recent being clorzapine as the other meds were not working well..there seems to be apattern of behaviour developing..we have been together 12 years living apart for 3 yrs but still a couple of sorts and the kids live with me n she seems to be around then dissapear for weeks/months only to come back with promises to myself n kids then you guessed it gone again.ive stood by he r    through everything..but to be honest im thinking of myself n kids and what i might say to them if she dont come back..ive read lots about bp and inform the kids as best i can,she seems more serious this time around more cold  and indifferent..i dont want to keep using bp as an xcuse to myself or kids if bp is not causing it..hence my original question..thanks for replying..just hoping people with similar stories may have advice.

[Midijane]

Hi Chucksboy,

I am a single mom of 2 & also have  BP2. I understand your ex's feeling that you are better off without her. I have also felt the same since my loved ones go through so much with me.

But I have always protected my kids and couldn't ever imagine leaving them. Honestly, I have never considered it, even when their father offered to have them live with him when I was having financial difficulties.

I guess we are all different. I say do what you feel is best for your children. If we as parents don't advocate for them, who will?

[chucksboy]

Hello,thanks for replying..ye its a tricky situation because theres so many variations to how bp effects people..break ups happen all the time but this situation is taking its toll.ive never left her i did the research help with meds visit everyday when she is hospitalized and no that does not make me a hero or anything its what any decent husband and father should do.so after being there for years going through the ups and downs she stops contact again saying shes down and we will all be better off without her but she has often says these things..but what if this time she means it i know my choices and will continue to be a single dad but i never gave up and dont understand why she would especially when she says she loves and misses us i find it all confusing and was hoping to hearfrom people in similar siyuations to share their stories before i make a decision..thanks again.

[chucksboy]

Sorry meant to ask if you dont mind why do yo get those type of thoughts my ex says guilt over not being able to fully play her part.i understand what she is saying how did you pull through..i dont want to move away and start again if she really dont mean it.thats the dilema.thanks again.

[mckee513]

Have u gone to therapy w her? I tell my hubby a lot he deserves better I however would never leave my kids for days or weeks or months!! She may b using her bp as an excuse. As awful as that sounds. I know I'm sick and do everything in my power to get better but knowing I have bp when I feel like she has I tell myself its not true. I'm sick and it to shall pass. I'm sorry ur going through all of this. I'm not sure my hubby wuld put up w the in and out on our children though. It's not fair to them at all no matter how sick if I were to leave it would b for inpatient care so I could do 'my part' better. I wouldn't say give up but I would put in boundries to protect the kids. Say if she goes she can't come back unless she has done inpatient care and will continue therapy outpatient.

[chucksboy]

How you doing?thanks for replying..no theres been no therapy has such only her cpn who basically checks on her moods i have suggested it to the docs but they say in time when shes more stable and she is not good at opening up and talking she will just clam up..in regards to boundaries they are in place she lives somwhere else so she can have her space as family life stresses her out with the plan being she can come see the kids as often as possible we would have the odd date night etc until the kids have left home in this period she was supposed to seek therapy find the right cocktail of meds and hopfully she would move back in when there wasnt full time stress of the kids etc..i have asked the kids and at one time suggested it maybe best to not see her but they didnt want that they are happy or happier with just the three of us at home and more content having regular visits but thats all stopped apart from mayb an hour a month..theres a lot to consider as much as i love her i will move on/away but if she is genuinely depressed again i feel it might be unfair to her if when she feels better we have gone for good,i do suspect this will be a lose lose sad situation either way.

[Crystal413]

Hi, I know this is hard. I went thru a similar situation. I think Therapy is key, especially when your not stable. That is when we need help the most. Having BP and depression wrecks so much havoc at times. It sounds like she is not only depressed with all of the other aspects of BP going on but not thinking clearly either. This happened to me. We are not in the right frame of mind to make any kind of decisions. Inpatient, meds, and then an outpatient program I think would really help. Your wife and mom to your kids is in there somewhere. As depressed as she is, she may not be able to take some of these steps without you. Like telling her in a gentle way that she needs to go to inpatient and you will be there for her. That if she can't do it for herself, do it for you and the kids.

When she says you will be better off without her...I think she is crying out for help. She feels so bad and such a burden on you and probably feels like she is not a good mom. With all of these bad thoughts in her mind she must really feel like a failure and is not able to think of any other solution than to be apart from you and the kids.

If she has a hard time opening up to a therapist then you could go in with her a few times to get her started. Try to check out the therapist to make sure you think it would be a good fit if your wife is not able but willing to go.

Inpatient then outpatient, psyc dr, meds, therapy. Outpatient helps a great deal.

Having BP and the depression that comes with it is often very hard to manage. It's at times a lot of work and requires efforts on your wife's part. You can only do so much. There are phases that we go thru, for some worse than others and more often. We are all diff but have the same basic outline.
I think your wife can get better and not feel like a burden but she must try.

[chucksboy]

Hi crystal,thankyou for replying i agree with everything you said,the problem at the moment is she wont allow me to help or be there this time ie no phone calls no contact etc,when this happend in the past i was somehow able to make her see that her feelings although real for her was just the bp making her feel that way but this time although she says shes on a downer she says shes thinking clearly and in time we will all be happier very noble of her however deep down i dont think she wants it to be this way infact she said its not a want its a need,so i guess il give her some more time but nobody can wait forever il let her no one more time im here for her and let her make the first move cos as you rightly said she gotta want it to     .thanks again crystal.

[Crystal413]

It does sound like she has made up her mind, especially if she won't talk to you. I'm wondering if there are any close family members that could intervene? You could always get her committed legally but you would really need to determine if she is in her right mind and you would know since you are the closest to her.

When this happened to me, I didn't know I was BP yet. I was depressed and all over the map. I didn't know anything about mental illness except for the depression I had. I didn't even recognize my actions and who it would hurt. All I knew is if I didn't move out I was gonna die. I had plenty of pills saved up for just in case, one day. I hurt my husband and I,m sure my kids missed me.
I will never forgive myself for doing this. How could anybody in their right mind do this. All I can say is I wasn't. My husband printed out pages and pages for me to read. All about mental illness, including BP. He knew something was not right with me. Did I read it? No He tried to help me but I couldn't accept his help. I thought it was him, not me. I couldn't even see what was happening to me. I know, this is hard to believe. When I look back, I can't believe it myself. I was gone for 8 months. I did see my kids but not as often as I should have. I was angry with my husband so I spoke to him very little. I moved back in after 8 months and my family was together. The guilt of being away got to me in my clearer moments. I finally got help when I attempted suicide. That is when I found out there was a name for my insane thinking process, Bipolar.

I've never written this before or thought about it in a long time. It's easier to try and forget this horrible time in my life. I'm so ashamed and it will stay with me for the rest of my life.

I tell you this story in hopes that it will somehow help you maybe to get a little inside your wife's head. I know everyone is different but she may be feeling some of those feelings.

The good news is that I did get help and my husband is very supportive. It actually brought us closer together. I truly could not have ask for a better husband. He is always there for me.

Your wife getting better is based on her desire to get better. Seeing a therapist, a psyc dr, eating right, taking meds daily. If she is not doing these things, chances are she is not in her right frame of mind either. If she is on med it doesn't sound like their working and may need a new one or more. There is only so much you can do though. Take good care of your kids, explain mommy is not well so they don't feel like she abandoned them. Be good to yourself too. I know this is hard. I wish you well and will be thinking about you and your family. Crystal

[gho7]

I agree with Crystal she probably feels so helpless with no light at the end of the tunnel.. It is hard enough when your own life is so desperately messed up but then to see it destroying the people you love the most as well makes things so much worse...

[Midijane]

You hit the nail right on the head. Sometimes the guilt for not feeling like a better parent/spouse is overwhelming. I felt helpless bc even though I focussed all of my attention and gave my BEST efforts to keep my emotions under control... I kept failing and hurting those I loved. When my kids were young (in preschool), I kept signs posted around the house that said "no yelling". They were to remind me to stay calm when I was ready to lose it.

I'm divorced also, in fact twice divorced. It wan't until the past two years that I found the right combo of meds to keep me balanced. The difference meds have made for me is life changing. And my game plan for the down and out full on depression days is:

   Tell my kids I need extra help around the house bc Im not feeling well
   Stock up on comfort foods for myself
   Accept the fact that I will live in PJs and sleep as much as humanly possible
   Stop answering the phone... or....tell my family that I need them to check in on me daily if I'm feeling out of control
   Keep a little cash on hand and order take-out for my kids
  
This helps me to not beat myself up as much as I used to. And keeping up with the forum here helps a lot as well. But nothing would help without my meds.

I think whatever you decide to do is perfectly fine. We all do the best we can given any situation. Stay in touch. Let me know how things are going.

[chucksboy]

Hi all,thanks for replying but most of all thanks for giving non judgemental points of view n allowing me to seek some advice i wasnt sure if it would help but it do.anyway not much to update at the moment she has taken the kids out for an hour to pizza hut after this she txt me to say the kids seemed a bit offish so i said with everything thats been going on its understandable they miss you feel sorry for u etc but then she verbally attacks herself saying how its all her fault etc so i tried to tell her as this as happened before it will pass its not your fault the depression is stopping u think clearly however some of the decisions that she made are making the situation harder ie the long gaps of no contact with the kids etc,this only haded fuel to the fire so i sent one final txt to say ing to txt when shes calmer..although this has happened a few times before this time she seems to be not so down before she wouldnt leave her flat etc couldnt be around anyone unless drunk but she seems to be going about her business and quite content with the way things are.are there different levels of deppression that cause these negative thoughts etc but still allow you to function?thanks

[gho7]

I'm about to sleeeeeep... Zzzzzz - yay...!!  But yes there totally different levels of depression that effect your ability to think/function properly...  I suffer from extreme physical problems... Exhaustion, fatigue, body pain&weakness, physiological anxiety symptoms, (ie feeling nervous, panicky, spaced out, tight chest, fast pulse - yet I don't really have anything in particular that I'm worried about - other than bring fed up of feeling like ****...!!), irritability, insomnia & worst of all for me is my messed up cognitive function&very impaired thought processing/concentration...  I'm not actually really a bad negative thinker, the worst of my negative thinking stems after all of the above kicks in&I lose my ability to function both physically&then mentally.. And I constantly think how **** I'm feeling, how long will it last, that my life is constantly on hold or not progressing for the better etc etc.. I have been dealing w/ this up/down pattern with no relief from numerous meds/combo@high doses (&I take my meds strictly-never miss a dose) for just short of four years... :(. And it really freaking sux...! It doesn't get easier.. It gets harder & harder... it feels like my life is slowly just slipping away and there ain't a gawd dang thing I can do about it...! If u want to read my mammoth post of how things have been pretty much in a nutshell you can see it on this forum, just posted yesterday asking for other ppls thoughts on me... Wld love any comments from u guys as I've had no replies..

[Crystal413]

As gho7 stated, there is most definetly various levels of depression, which in turn determines what level you are at with your thought process and your ability to function. That being said there is another issue you mentioned. Drinking and Drinking to get drunk. This is a huge but common mistake that is made for people with a mental illness which include Bipolar and depression in her case. Especially on MEDS. You DO NOT mix these types of meds with alcohol.First, they can lesson the effects of the med and second make your symptoms worse. Alcohol is a depressant, drinking just makes the depression worse.

If she continues to drink, I personally do not see her getting better. Again, alcohol lessens the ability for the meds to work like there suppose to and it makes one more depressed and in some cases suicidal where they may not have been otherwise.

I'm sorry that you are in this place. Your wife needs to do a lot of this work herself instead of sabotaging everything that will/could make her better.

It sounds like you've done what you can. It's up to her, short of putting her in the hospital and then outpatient so she can learn how to take care of herself to get better and to learn some coping skills/tools. Which at this point may not even be an option.

I admire you for sticking thru this as long as you have. Thank god the kids have you and that you sound like you have it together. Be kind to yourself, know you did the best you could. Her illness is to blame, not you or the person you knew her to be. My thoughts are with you, Crystal

[chucksboy]

Hello again,thanks for all your comments,just to make you aware if i havent told you already is her care plan she has one in place has done for years,consultant once a month cpn once/twice a week.she has been hospitalized a few times the last being a few months ago when her meds were not working and they wanted her to try i fink its called clorizal/clozapine sorry for spelling the docs said this med was only used when the other meds failed,in fairness to my wife she volunteered to to the 3 week stay hoping for miracles,i was so proud of her at that time because they are not imo allways the best place to be ie my wife would often be kept awake because of other patients and their own issues and this only added to her stress at a time she needed peace and a stress free enviroment,but she done it and were hoping for good results,the voices n paranoia have eased slightly but the low mood has not really changed.in regards to her drink she was not one to drink everyday but i feel she would if circumstances allowed but when she does drink its huge amounts n as you rightly say it feels good to escape from her torture for a while but its obviously dangerous and ultimately sets her back..both my kids were crying today over it all its so sad..im just gonna move on slowly and look after my kids we all miss her but perhaps this is the end..

[Percivaa]

Has borderline personally disorder ever been mentioned? It's not always (but almost always) present in people with bp2. I have both and I think I know how your wife feels. I used to do the same thing. There really is no convincing someone with these conditions to stay around if they aren't stable, which it sounds like your wife is not. It took me a long time to find the right meds, but the key was Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). I absolutely would not have a family or be stable without that specific type of therapy. It might be worth a shot.

[chucksboy]

Hi,thanks for your advice,what you say makes sense but tbh i think its over i got no input anymore.even before the diagnosis it was impossible for me or anyone to converse with her she would feel over loaded mentally and just shut down,she could handle light convo n gossip but she was never good at opening up about anything.weve known each other since high school and always felt like soul mates,she had drink n drug problems and abusive partners before we got together i would never hurt her and meybe thats why we lasted so long however my point is she wouldnt get therapy for that niether even tho i no it still effects her to some degree.she says if it wasnt for me shed be dead a long time ago n theres so much more i could write but as our other friends posts point out she needs to want help and to improve but atm in time its like i dont exist her son is out of prison soon which will only cause more stress it was his crimes that trigered the whole episode leading to a diagnosis of bp..shes always been irrational n fiery im not sure what the symptoms of borderline disorder are but i will reseach it now..thanks again for taking the time to post..i got noone else.