Borderline Personality Disorder Community
ANYONE NOT BPD???
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ANYONE NOT BPD???

IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE THAT DOESNT HAVE BPD BUT IS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE THAT HAS BPD?????  IF SO, DO YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS ON HOW YOU DEAL WITH EVERYDAY PROBLEM THAT COME UP?????  
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I'm a non borderline who was in a 1 year relationship with a borderline man that just ended 3 months ago. My advice to you is: be very careful of what you say and how you say it. BPs tend to be over-analytical and are inclinded to take word meanings out of context. I called my BP ex-boyfriend a "diamond in the rough" as a compliment to his strength, naturalness and inner beauty; and, he took it like I was putting him down and implying that he was an incomplete person. We had constant verbal miscommunications as he was inclined to pick apart words and attach negative meanings to those words. So, I would advise you to be mindful when using figures of speech, cliches and joking around.
As far as the anger and rage that is common with borderlines... well, I noticed that if my ex and I avoided noisy and crowded places he seemed to be more calm and relaxed. We'd go to the beach on weekdays; and drive up to the mountains on non holiday weekends. But, in truth, anything could and did set him off so, there's really no way around the anger/ rage issues. Keep in mind that words, situations and things that are insignificant, benign and harmless to the non-borderline can become a major ordeal for the borderline (ie. if I was 2 minutes late for a date= I was a horrible person thinking only of myself; if I had to reschedule or change our dating plans= I was a horrible person and was seeing someone else; if I forgot to say "I love you" after a date or at the end of an e-mail= yep, I was a horrible person and I didn't love him anymore).
A helpful book on this subject is "Stop Walking on Eggshells," by Randi Kreiger.
I suggest that you study it!
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Why would you not ask this question of someone with bpd who is in a relationship?

My thoughts are that you should discuss things with the individual concerned.
Don't you think you would find it a teeny bit offensive if he/she asked others how to treat or to interact with you?
If you are open and honest with each other (and know each others strengths and weaknesses) then you should be able to resolve issues that come up and also that arise between you.

A lot is about trust, acceptance and understanding.

J
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pricanprides question was in reference to see how other non bpds get through day to day struggles in relationships with bpds it was in no way saying that she cant discuss things within her relationship just getting feedback on how other ppl get through it and support to feel like maybe she isnt the only person going through this alone and that other ppl out there are struggling in their relationships aswell!
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If the issue was about everyday problems then surely this question could have been addressed to the entire community -bpd or not.

From your comments I get the impression that the bpd person is the problem.

If the person does discuss things with their bpd partner (bf/ gf, spouse, so) and has a strong relationship, why would they need feedback and support?

I guess if alienating and discriminating against a 'disordered population' helps normalize your situation, then why not do it?

J
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I FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE REALLY TAKEN THE QUESTION I ASKED THE WRONGE WAY,  I WAS SIMPLY ASKING TO OTHER NON-BPD'S IF THEY HAD ANY HELPFUL HINTS ON HOW TO HANDLE THINGS BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A BPD!!  THE SAME WAY BEING IN ANY OTHER RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WITH OR WITHOUT A DISORDER, YOU HAVE PROBLEMS AND YOU ASK FOR HELP,  IT"S THE SAME THING!!!  IN NO WAY WAS I TRYING TO ALIENATE OR DISCRIMINATE IN ANY WAY, IM SIMPLY ASKING FOR HELP ON GETTING THROUGH THINGS. IM ASKING FOR HELP THE SAME WAY A PERSON THAT HAD SOMEONE THAT MAY HAVE CANCER AND THAT PERSON ASKES OTHER PEOPLE THAT ARE IN THE SAME SITUTION  HOW THEY DEAL WITH IT,  ITS NO DIFFERENT!!!  THE PERSON IM IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH IS NOT A PROBLEM WHAT SO EVER AND NEVER WOULD I SAY THAT SHE WAS,  WE ARE VERY OPEN WITH EACHOTHER  AND SHE'S THE ONE THAT TOLD ME ABOUT THIS SITE AND GOT ME TO JOIN SO WE BOTH COULD GET HELP ON THE SITUTION.  I AM VERY MUCH IN LOVE WITH MY  PARTNER AND I WOULD NEVER DISRESPECT HER IN ANY WAY AND WILL ALWAYS STAND BY HER SIDE NO MATTER WHAT!!  IM JUST TRYING TO GET SOME HELP FROM OTHER PEOPLE THAT ARE IN THE SAME SITUTION I AM,  THATS ALL!!!!!!!!!
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Your response to a simple request for guidance and help by pricanpride sounded like the same type of response I would get from my wife from a question or response made by me with no negative meaning intended.

And pricanpride´s reply to you above is a good example of what it is like to try to reason with a person with bpd. I am sure that you, Jaquta, can pick her response to pieces to show how she is wharever you think she is instead of just accepting her answer as the truth.

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I can see that other people in similar situations may have valuable advice to give, but then, so do people with bpd, don't they??

No, perhaps no negativity was intended.  Perhaps I am more sensitive because I have experienced invalidating environments where negativity was intended or strongly implied.

I find your comment depressing.  Because I may interpret or perceive things differently it feels like you are judging me.  I don't find it helpful and I feel it alienates me further.

I don't have to trust or accept that the answer is truthful.  I accept both perspectives are valid.

I wish you all well for your bpd inclusive relationships.

J

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I apoligise if my response to your letter made you feel bad. After living with someone for seven years, who I love, and never being able to say anything w/out her interperting (sic) my comments negatively I got a little upset at wht i felt was a straigh forward appeal for advice from someone not BPD to another person who might be experiencing the same confusion and complications in her/his life.

I just only recently came apon a reason, by accident, as to why my wife´s behavior is like it is. I was tryiong to understand her anger and often violent behavior when I read that over 50·% of WOMAN who physically and emotionally ABUSE their husbands have a disorder called BPD. When I saw the letter from picanpride I realized I should have written that letter myself. I wanted to know if I was the only one who felt totally incapable of understanding someone with bpd, my wife.

I agree with you totally; you don´t have to trust or believe anyone but neither do you have to NOT TRUST OR BELIEVE them until you have a good reason not too. I know if you are suffering from bpd your life is not totally in your hands as far as to believe or not believe people but you need to quit looking for the negative in everything.

rae
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Thank you for your concern but it is my responsibility to deal with my own emotions.  Your comments triggered some deep seated emotional stuff within me and on top of everything else that has been happening in my life I felt it was time to put an end to it all.  It is hard to describe how desperately unhappy this disorder can make one feel.
I should have shown better judgment by not posting when triggered or unwell.

Many people with bpd feel rejected or abandoned.  By specifically only asking for non-bpd input it brought back all those other times when I felt rejected or devalued or not worthy enough.
It also hurt because I wish to be 'normal' and it feels like people are always putting up barriers to keep us in our place.  You have bpd so therefore you must be difficult or different or sick or crazy.  I am a person with thoughts and feelings too.

If your wife has been formally diagnosed and is in therapy then she shouldn't always interpret things negatively.  You have a right to communicate without being fearful.
I have found it harder to be objective with these posts because I have become unwell.
(My T left four months ago and I've had limited support during this time, I've had several surgeries for cancer with post-operative complications.  I've had no personal space as my parents are trying to complete their house.  Yesterday I had to make the decision not to engage with the new T as her and her approach is counter-productive to what I need to be doing.  Add on top of that the usual bpd crises and now depression and feeling suicidal ...).

Anger and violence are usually about self-hatred.
If you look behind the behavior there is always a reason why someone does something.

If your wife is angry or violent it would suggest that she is not feeling contained.  If she were in therapy and she was contained then you wouldn't see this behavior.
Anger is a sure sign that something that has been said or done has triggered memories, thoughts or feelings from a previous situation.  I think it helps if you try to learn what those things are then try and resolve them.  It can be a long hard process because sometimes we just don't see the connection.  And we have many defenses.

I think there is a lot of misunderstanding around bpd and also a lot of misinformation.
Sometimes what people think is helpful is actually extremely traumatizing for the person.  You are not alone, health professionals get it wrong too.  bpd can be extremely complex.
There will be times when you do understand your wife and there will be times when you don't.

If your wife is open to it, you should really sit down and discuss how the disorder, the behaviors, etc affect her life.  She will also feel secondary emotions due to how her behavior, etc affects you and your family.
Depending on where she is in her recovery she may be either more or less able to do this.
Whatever you do, don't judge her and accept her for who she is.

With bpd many things can seem contradictory.

I accept there was no intent to hurt anyone and that people are looking for solutions to issues.
A lot of people with bpd are extremely sensitive and pick up large number of cues.
I think I can choose to believe or not believe it is more a matter of trust.  Other issues have the ability to feel more out of my control.  Perhaps you're right, if we're extremely stressed we can become psychotic, then perhaps it is not so much a matter of choice.

How do you quit looking for the negative in everything when often that is our reward system?  Punitive stuff can feel pleasurable and motivating whereas positive stuff can feel like criticism, etc.  Positive stuff can feel extremely uncomfortable.

Thank you for talking to me some more and explaining your perspective.  I think it helps balance out both views a little.

J
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Unfortunately, this is a very hot button issue. Relationships are tricky no matter the kind or people involved. I strongly empathize with the plight on both sides.

As to the issue at hand, I will not offer you the pretense that I have a corner market on the struggles of a relationship with a person with BPD. Actually, I'm going to guess that my situation was far from unique on a whole however slightly different from the problem originally seeking counsel.

I did have a long term relationship with a person whom I feel, in retrospect, probably has BPD. Part of this reflection comes with my own struggles with BPD. That being said, I understand how hard it is to be in a relationship with someone and also how it feels to be the someone. I was already diagnosed while the two of us were together and he was not. Neither of us were ready to change. Long story short, the relationship was chaotic at best and damaging at worst. There are no easy ways to navigate the choppy waters of BPD and the ingrained knee-jerk responses.

As a person with BPD, I can only offer you a little insight into what I have found triggering. Please don't take this to mean a lecture. I have struggled long and hard to slow my reactions down so that many of these triggers are much less upsetting. It has taken me years to get to a point where my first knee-jerk reaction is tempered by some measure of rational thought.

In my experience, iam1butterfly was quite right in pointing out language. It isn't just the actual words but the subtext (body language, vocal tone, etc.). Personally, you can tell me I am beautiful but if there is contradictory subtext I will hear only the emotion within the subtext. I literally don't even hear the words in those moments. Truthfully, those were the hardest impulsive reactions to slow down and I still fall into them every so often. It's not about being paranoid but being aware.

Also, it tends to be minor perceptions that hold fast in the mind of a person living with BPD. The best analogy I can offer is a light switch. With the slightest touch the switch can be moved from one extreme to the other; literally on or off. BPD creates a similar function in the mind of the patient. You might see a spectrum while a BPD patient will see only the extremes. Having no middle ground, innocuous variations become tide changing events. Again a very hard perspective shift is required. It requires the person living with BPD to actively look for the gray scale. In most cases I have witnessed, only one or two people that the person feels safe with can help to guide the person to seeing even a hint of gray in a situation.

Lastly, pricanpride, I would suggest to you to be very aware of your own needs. Whether intending to be or not, people struggling to overcome BPD can be very draining to the people they care about. Be firm and consistent with your own boundaries. Sometimes, as much as I hate to admit it, BPD patients need to be treated like the child they can be. I include myself in this statement. During active periods of symptoms, emotional maturity literally drops to a child level. I believe at my worst I was understood to emotionally function at the level of a four-year-old. Many of the behaviours that tend to be most upsetting to loved ones fall into this catagory. There is a great seperation from the physical appearance of adulthood and the emotional presence of a child. Be good and gentle to yourself. Maintain your boundaries. Patience is helpful but don't let yourself become a doormat. If you can maintain some level of serenity in yourself it may ease your relationship struggles.

Also, keep in mind that even healthy people lash out more with the people the trust and love because there is a sense that those people are safer and more secure.

I hope you find the help, caring, and support you need. You may find it useful to seek out a support group for families of those with some form of mental illness. It is a unique plight.

Best wishes,

Dawn

P.S. pricanpride, you may want to re-evaluate the use of capitals in written exchanges. Avid online users will read something written in all capital letters as though it is being shouted. The more level and measured the approach, the more likely a favorable response.

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Hi

I have been dating a guy who lives in another city for around 5months.we met in a bar and he comes to my city every 2weeks for work purposes.the status of our relationship changes constantly from lovers to friends which is all of his choice.basically while he is clearly messing me about and not totally aware of what he wants he does not want to loose me or so he says.I was talking to a friend of mine and explaining some other reservations I had about this guy whom I clearly like and she says it sounds mildly indicative that he may have some kind of personality disorder.the reasons are as follows.

1]In the build up to our first proper date he bombarded me with overwhelming affection.We had only communicated through text messages.He referred to me as a blessing,a wonderful part of his life ,the person who makes him strong and with whom he would do anything for,that he felt he could do anything as I was there with him!.while this was flattering and I did get carried away I was aware that we had only met once, drunk in a bar and chatted for 20mins before swapping numbers.I felt he should have met me first before making such statements.after our first weekend together he continued with his overwhelming affections which i must confess i liked until about the 3rd date.

2]He has a subtle way of criticizing certain things in my life but in a way where I cant totally accuse him of being critical.He is overwhelmingly nice to my friends to their faces but then as soon as they leave he is extremely critical.He meanwhile insists that I meet his friends and hopes that I like them .

3]When drunk is prone to selfish,almost violent outburst of rage and temper.He has not acted like this towards me but so far to strangers.He has a wild look in his eyes.I know drunk and disorderly behavior is not wholly indicative but he makes big critical judgments about other peoples actions when drunk.conveniently forgetting his own loss of temper and actions when so.

4]During one night out after feeling that I was being a little too controlled I calmly and politely excused myself from the party.Only for him to suddenly burst into tears and acuse me of not finding him attractive[he even implied that I had told him so]and that he felt I was too good for him,that he was a disaster.After agreeing to stay and comforting him he then proceeded to criticize my friend .

5]He does make joking,casual references to suicide when under pressure or when admitting he misses me.statements like "its ok im not going to jump of a bridge".despite the jokey nature of this its quite out of context.

6]I sometimes feel like i am doing all the work.when i dont he begins a message with "i have not heard from in...you must be busy " or lets me know that he is really busy at work but just wanted to find the time to say.../This does not really matter but he has not ever started a chat with "hi how are you?".When he is coming to visit he often tells me he will be in my city over this period of time but then its left to me to ask him out to meet.he always says yes and we have a great time but am aware that its me who does the asking when he reveals he is around.

7]He of course can be caring,considerate and lovely.Always there in a crisis and shows great concern in the suffering of those close to him.which i find beautiful.He without provocation apologies for his own shortcomings and for messing me about which is clearly shows great self awareness.

8]When I attempted to tackle him about his criticisms,controlling behavior and the way in which he messes me about he accused me of attempting to portray him as an "evil person",that it was me whom was emotionally blackmailing him and that he was not rude to my friend he just never spoke to her!.In the aftermath of that argument when things cooled down [and I apologized!!!!]he said we should forgive each other and show empathy and referred to me a lovely, gentle person.

9]He goes through periods of telling me [almost boasting]how many people fancy him,how he does not fancy them etc

The guy has a very good successful career which makes me unsure about this but i am asking myself if these are signs of bpd?
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im non bpd 29 male my fiancee has been diagnosed w/ bpd for about 10 yrs.    we have been together for 6 yrs       WOW WHAT A RIDE  but i love her.   early in the relationship i didnt quite understand bpd. i thought oh ok, well i have my own quirks also so it will be cool but i have finally realized that her perception is a little different, i have never cheated on her she is very jealous, controlling, emotionally abusive, she tends to self sabbotage things. she always thinks that im gonna leave her.  i really dont know how to put this,always in a bad mood towards me but, getting better.it is crazy for me alot. i never know what i am coming home to, this is what ABSOLUTELY DRIVES ME CRAZY we will get in this argument an dshe says that i dont love her and i dont love the kids, and im gonna leave her because shes such a ***** to me and she gets real emotionally abusive, says that i dont love her and she says she doesnt know if she loves me and here comes the twist she will apologize an dtell me that she cant control what she says to me. this usually is such an intense argument, very twisting of the mind like wtf! this relationship has been alot of stress and tears. but i love her dearly and wish i could help her.   she has been on effexor, it hasnt cured her but has taken the edge off considerably.  she told me something after one of our fights, of me not loving her, that no matter what she says that she loves me and she needs to be reassured that i will never leave her and it has helped me alot. i may say one thing but she perceives it as totally different words, i tell her that is not what i said and she says well thats not what i heard. TAKE HER WORDS LIGHTLY  AND ASSURE HER THAT YOU LOVE HER    if you want to email me: ***@****       im not here a whole lot
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I perfectly understand your situation, my mothe is bpd, i'm 30 years old and we just learnd about it. Uffff it's realy hard to grow or be near these persons, but i can talk you from love, because no matter what i love my mother. Since I don't have the chance to run from her because i'm the only one that's steel by her side, my father, and sister just couldn't deal with it. My advice, don't take anything they heor she says personaly they are just traying to cause a reaction in you, don't go to their pleace, bring them to you place, to a shine day or a beautiful site, respond with tranquility, calm and love. I know it's very hard and you will cry a lot. But never forgett everything they do is because they think they are doing right, they don't want to harm you, it would be interesting to continue with this discussion because wright now it is starting to affect my doghter.
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I just have a question about living with a spouse with BPD and how they treat their own kids?  Anyone have a husband that has BPD and you have children together?  If so, how does he or she treat the kids?  In my case my husband argues a lot with the kids and picks them to pieces about small issues that really are nothing. Anyone have anything similar to this? Also what about loss of sleep, nightmares, tiredness all the time?  
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I had a BPD boyfriend... the one that I spoke about in the beginning of this thread, which was a year ago. He had 4 adult children from 2 previous marriages and he alienated all of them! To him, they were a source of frustration, financial strain, disappointment, and never measured up to his expectations. He constantly told me that he wished that he never had children. I didn't have the opportunity to meet them as he hadn't seen nor spoken to them in years. In fact, during our year together, he never once mentioned them by name. Poor kids... I felt so sorry for what I could only imagine what they must have gone through.
And, he was pretty rough with his mother, too. Always nit-picking about her choice of words... the way she washed the dishes... the affection that she gave to her dog... even the noise that she made when she breathed was a source of irritation.
Noise was a major "trigger" for him. He'd go ballistic if he heard dogs barking or children crying. Sleep (which averaged 3 hours per day) was always a struggle... and that would naturally bring on fatigue. If he had nightmares, he never told me about them. But, he did describe some very bizarre dreams.
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I feel sad reading this thread, because I'm quite sure I'm BPD. My psychologist and psychiatrist haven't mentioned it - perhaps they are concerned about my reaction.

I feel hopeless that people like me will ever have healthy, stable relationships. Yes, it's true we can seem over-sensitive and paranoid. No matter what the problem is, BPD or otherwise, living in our interior world is absolute torture. What's worse is that you want to communicate and relate to others in a meaningful way, but you know it's unlikely people will ever understand where you're coming from.

The saddest part is the paranoia sets in, and the rage/anger is the only way to express it. As for me, I usually would have been bottling up annoyed feelings towards the other person for about a year or more. So when I blow up, people don't know where it's coming from, and they always walk away. Either that, or I walk away.

It's a horrible way to live. I don't know if I'll ever get it right. I'm in therapy and I'm on medication. I've been through a lot of growth and soul-searching, but as of now, it's simply not enough.
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I think if You love someone You should be able to see through their problems and be there for them. People with Borderline Personality Disorder are under a great amount of stress concerning losing their relationship's and partner's as a lot of them become attached and have problem's with trusting People.
It is a complex Disorder but it is the same as being with someone with Any other Disorder or Problem only that there are Differant way's to cope and deal with it.
Any relationship is hard on a level of not being able to communicate and understand each other but at the end of the day Borderline Personality disorder is not a disease stopping Your partner from being able to communicate it justs takes more time and effort.
I think most relationship's are rocky and if You really put in the effort and love Your partner You will overcome any obstacle's.
Instead of struggling to find way's to cope with Your partner You should be encouraging her to see someone. There is a DBT group for people who suffer Borderline Personality Disorder that has been known to help a lot of people suffering the Disorder. There is weekly counselling and it is a 12 month program. You should be speaking to a proffesional about this with Your partner.
Goodluck

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I think if You love someone You should be able to see through their problems and be there for them. People with Borderline Personality Disorder are under a great amount of stress concerning losing their relationship's and partner's as a lot of them become attached and have problem's with trusting People.
It is a complex Disorder but it is the same as being with someone with Any other Disorder or Problem only that there are Differant way's to cope and deal with it.
Any relationship is hard on a level of not being able to communicate and understand each other but at the end of the day Borderline Personality disorder is not a disease stopping Your partner from being able to communicate it justs takes more time and effort.
I think most relationship's are rocky and if You really put in the effort and love Your partner You will overcome any obstacle's.
Instead of struggling to find way's to cope with Your partner You should be encouraging her to see someone. There is a DBT group for people who suffer Borderline Personality Disorder that has been known to help a lot of people suffering the Disorder. There is weekly counselling and it is a 12 month program. You should be speaking to a proffesional about this with Your partner.
Goodluck
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Part of the problem is in our own language of identification. Every single person here has referred to someone WITH BPD as "A" BPD, or THE BPD PERSON. This includes self identification!  I'm stunned that anyone here would say "I'm a BP person." Really? That's just disheartening to hear. I'd like to suggest everyone take a compassionate route first, and attempt to stop looking at people with a set of symptomology AS the symptoms or disorders themselves, and start looking at them as people. Someone ISN'T BPD, they HAVE BPD.

Okay, now having said that, I am in a relationship with someone who has Complex PTSD and BPD, Agoraphobia and a host of other things, though many disorders can look like one another if you don't understand the intricacies of the DSM (and I unfortunately have to as a therapist). So, if I had been the one to diagnose, and knowing her history, I'd say it's strictly Complex PTSD, which can be used interchangeably, but for different reasons. Anyway, we have been together for 1 year and she has a 2 year old daughter. Amazingly, she's a nearly perfect mother and doesn't typically exhibit any of the BPD symptomology with our child unless....drum roll please...she intoxicated. Her irresponsible psychopharmacologist has her on a cocktail of inexcusable medications and horribly high doses of them to boot. 3 of the 4 are narcotic and she is very much addicted to them, as well as alcohol. Dual diagnosis is even more difficult to deal with, but it's very common to see substance abuse with BPD and CPTSD.

I don't know what to offer anyone in advice, as I'm still trying to figure it all out myself. I consider myself to be highly self aware and practice mindfulness. I'm in a unique position in that I understand the disorder and yet have to be very very careful not to "play therapist" with her. It's unethical AND she's not stupid, so if I'm getting too cerebral and counselor-ish she sees it. So do I. So, my struggle is how to walk that fine line of knowledgeably traversing the symptoms, and being there as her partner. But, the good news is she's gone into many stages of grief lately. Her "stuff" is a result of deep attachment issues and sexual abuse issues. She's become very self aware and has painfully admitted addiction, and generally takes on the responsibility of her actions fairly quickly, something she's not done in the past much. When I say self aware I don't necessarily mean of the disorder: she asks me about disorders sometimes and I quickly try to take pathology out of the topic because it is sometimes a trigger for her negative self-image issues, but rather self-aware regarding the WHY of things.

Big sigh...I just don't know at this point. Limbo....exhaustion....staying the course? Only time will tell, because I do, in fact, believe in recovery. It's very possible. But the want to recover has to be there first.

To those that think it's as simple as just being supportive, you clearly have not been in a relationship with someone who has these behavioral patterns. The stories we're all reading here are remarkably similar...for a reason...and are hard, nay nearly impossible at times, to deal with, even for therapists.
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Can i say in my defence as i have recently been diagonoised with BPD that we are not bad people i am not a bad person, i have six children who i love totally and i control myself around them they are the most thing to me. I have a partner who i have been with for 13yrs, i admit i do lose my temper sometimes but not to the same level you's seem to describe, if i didn't know anything about bpd and i read these posts i would imagine the person to be a monster, maybe they are, maybe it is me that is wrong and i don't see myself for what i am but i know i am a person who has feelings which are easily hurt and if people kept referring to be as a bpd i would be angry. Perhaps it is the way you treat the person that sets them of even more, i know if i take something the wrong way that someone has said and i get angry if i ask them did they mean that and give them time to explain i will calm down if i have taken the wrong way.
Just think if you felt like that all the time, where you felt that everyone could hurt you so you don't even bother with people even more and if you do have a friend you are constantly wondering why they are your friend and when will they hurt you. I don't see myself as an extreme person and maybe i am lucky that my symptoms aren't so severe, but i know i am this way because i have been badly hurt before and its not my fault. I know this probably made no sense as i'm not very good at explaining myself but i just wanted to say go easy on the person its not their fault and it is an illness. I also have many other mental health issues, argraphobia, depression, ptsd and ocd and bpd, its not easy to live with and to be labelled as a bpd person is not easy to live with either.
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I have been in a relationship with a man who has BPD, i do not.  Recently, i have found many different support forums online and they have been so helpful.  Sometimes I specifically look for posts by people with BPD because I want to understand that side, other times I look for posts from partners of people with BP because I need support and advice from people in a similar situation to mine. All information is helpful.
Understand, no matter what your label, that in order to love and respect your partner you will acknowledge, accept, and educate yourself on every aspect of their life.
It is important to seek understanding on both sides.  I no more asked for BP to be a part of my life than my partner did.  Neither one of us was given an instruction manuel.  It is hard for me to read that "the life of a BP is a life of pain".  I cry and hurt and want to forgive my boyfriend any wrong he could ever do when I think about the pain he must feel, the horrible self-loathing that i can see in his actions.  I love him.  I LOVE HIM.  When he hurts I hurt too.  But let me tell you, it is very hard to remain patient and understanding when that same person is telling me I am a ***** who is looking for someone to cheat on him with, an evil ***** who will never be anything, a person he has never loved,.....
It's hard to forget those words when he takes them all back the next day.
It's hard to feel all the pressure, that I am not allowed to ever mess up or have angry outbursts.  People who have BP are not the only ones to lose themselves and their judgement to their emotions.  But when i do I immediately justify everything he has ever done.  I have forgiven him to the point of making things worse.  No one deserves to be abused, to stay with him I must learn how to not let him abuse me but also still support him.  It's so damn hard, it's hard to forgive when the same things happen repeatedly and you may not even get an apology.  It's hard because I don't know the answers...
I'm tired and worn down.  I can't be the only one to forgive and understand.  
I have read all i have found to help understand the disorder and the people who live with it.
People with BP should do the same, including reading books such as "Stop Walking On Eggshells" because you must attempt to understand what it feels like to be the person without BP.
Communication is so important yet so hard.  I have literally had my boyfriend not speak to me for an entire week, with no explanation as to why.  How does one handle this?  How should I feel?  How would the person with BP feel if the person without BP did this?  How would any partner in a relationship feel regardless of any label?
Recovery can be discouraging because so often it takes intensive therapy and it seems to be common knowledge that there are not many good therapists out there foe BPD.  Needing therapy does not mean you have the time or money to get it.  It is also hard to get people outside of the relationship to understand.  My parents hate the things that my boyfriend has done and basically think I am an idiot for staying.  They do not understand BPD so they do not have compassion.  It's hard to help them when all they see is my hurt and think the solution is to leave.
Help must be sought and pursued.  Drugs and alcohol should be avoided in many cases.
No one asked for this.  One person is not broken and the other whole.  There is no right and wrong.
The fact that anyone is on this forum seeking help says a lot.  You could just walk away.  You could never seek help or advice.  You could end your life.  You could lose the person you love because you didn't bother to understand.  People here are not doing that, they are hanging on.  That should be commended no matter what your circumstances.  To lash out at someone who is making an effort, any effort at all, hurts the common goal we all share.
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I had a fast and furious relationship for 3 months w/ a man w/ BPD. I NEVER in my life dealt w/ anyone who acted so unfaif, abusive, childish, disrespectful. I wish I was forewarned before I let this  Guy mentally abuse me. He broke up w/ me on my birthday. The joke was on me. HE wanted the relationship before me. HE wanted. HE wanted-all the time. I fell for him and gave him what he wanted and then the joke was on me !
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I had a fast and furious relationship for 3 months w/ a man w/ BPD. I NEVER in my life dealt w/ anyone who acted so unfaif, abusive, childish, disrespectful. I wish I was forewarned before I let this  Guy mentally abuse me. He broke up w/ me on my birthday. The joke was on me. HE wanted the relationship before me. HE wanted. HE wanted-all the time. I fell for him and gave him what he wanted and then the joke was on me !
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I have been married 28years adn recently have become aware that my wife has BPD.  I am searching for answers, but there really aren't any.  I am at the point she want to seperate.  She has been having random sexual affairs.  I don't know how to confront this without detroying everyone that loves her.  I don't feel like I have any options at thie point.  She will likely escalate her behavior to the point she will loose her jobs, and financially rein our family.  we are alredy in bankrupcy, and had been working on paying it off.  This will certainly  make that impossible, since she is hte primary brad winner.  What do I do?
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I have BPD, and I've been with my husband for 3 years now. My other relationships (and past marriage) were completely crazy. This one is actually really good. I have to say that it takes a strong person to be with someone who has BPD. My husband says, "It's all in the personality."  The huge thing that helps is he takes what I say with a grain of salt when I'm "in my mood."  I know you are only human, and it's hard to not get offended by the things your so says, but if you can just let it roll off your back, I promise the mood swing will end in minutes. Sometimes I get stressed and rant and rave about something so stupid, but my husband will just stay quiet and let me get it all out. After a few minutes I'd be fine again. When I've said mean things to him, he will usually ignore it. He KNOWS I don't mean it. And he's actually told me that during one of my rants. It's when he responds back with something hateful that we get into a huge fight. So really, silence during a rant is extremely helpful to me. You may try it and she if it helps. Be aware that the silent treatment may not work for you though. He may take it as you don't care and that could open up a whole other can of worms. You just have to try it and see what works for you. I know it may seem unfair that you should have to keep quiet while he's ranting, and not get a word in edgewise. If that's something that bothers you, then it will create unhappiness with the relationship in the end. You just have to do what works for you both. I do agree that it takes a special person to be w/ someone who is borderline. My hubby just has a low-key, laid back personality, and he doesn't take offense to my rages. It's what works for us, and I'm happy to say we have a great relationship.
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I also agree with calila, EDUCATE yourself on BPD as much as you can. This is something that we struggle with every single day. My husband also read info and books on BPD, and I think that's what helped him to understand what I go through, and it's made it so much easier for him to deal with me during my mood swings. In the beginning, we fought all the time. He didn't understand me. Once he studied up on it, he understood it all. I highly recommend you getting the Stop Walking On Eggshells book and another one is I Hate You, Don't Leave Me. They have a ton of useful info. And therapy helps a lot if you can afford it.
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Thank You Dawn for throwing so much light . You have the gift of explaining things so well.
I am a fifty year old woman, and i have a sibling a few years younger than me, who is a wonderful, thoughtful, fun human being. The last few years, she has become very angry and bitter and I realise, she is suffering from being alone and the trauma of anxiousness makes her rage and has cut all communications with family, who still love and respect her.
When I did get aware of her situation, I tried my best in being as empathetic and compassionate with her. I did not retaliate the way siblings would in an argument, and found i was constantly putting myself down and accepting all her allegations as true, even though it was untrue. When i talked about boundries, she said i was not wanting to take responsibility for anything . I could never tell her the truth as she would not like to hear it and would punish by silent treatment.
Finally things came to a point when i could not take the blame any more, for things i neverdid, pointed out her wrong doings. And she lashed out at me, and then cut me off. She also I suspect has narcissistic disposition.
I would like to reach out to her, before she hits rock bottom, but I dont know how to go about it, because of the way she processes anyting one says to her.
Any help on this would be welcome
Thank You,
Bebo
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