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Afraid of having BPD
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Afraid of having BPD

I, lately, have been terrified that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. My Girl Friend, about three months ago, left me after I found she was cheating on me.  I had known, but too scared to confront and confirm, for a while prior.  I have been dissecting the relationship (which was excellent up until November), and have blamed myself for everything, and diagnosed myself with every scary mental illness.  The Borderline is the scariest (mainly because of books like Walking on Egg Shells.)   I have been feeling extremely bad since the breakup.  It has quite totally devastated me, and I feel extremely alone, and unlovable.  I have been diagnosed with sever clinical depression, that has for years been in “remission.”
I am very worried that I have this, and (in advance of my impending therapist visit) wanted to see if this is something that I should worry about.  I am mostly worried that I was this when I was with her, and caused her life to be awful.  I was feeling sad, lonely, needy, and clingy because my friends moved away, I was living with her but she was extremely busy with work and seemed to neglect me, and because I was working three jobs, but could not find a full time teaching job.
I can accept criticism easily (I guess because I am far worse on myself.)
I don’t engage in risky behavior
I have been feeling extremely suicidal, and (both currently and in the past) engaged in self-injury.
I have been feeling anger, but mostly towards myself, but it’s not uncontrollable.
I feel alone, worthless, full of self-loathing.
I am pretty in control of my emotions; at least I can hide them well when in public.
I have been afraid my close friends (the ones I was brave enough to tell about this loss) hate me and are going to leave me.  As a result, I apologize frequently and I guess tried to make sure they don’t leave.
I’m just so lonely, sad, and scared of losing everything.
Sorry this was hard to read, and annoying.
Thank You
5 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm not a Dr so I can't diagnose you. But, I can tell you what I think is going on. I really do not think you have BPD. If you did it would be extremely hard to control your emotions and you would be doing very risky things, most likely. To me it does sound like severe depression. I would highly recommend getting in to therapy and also think about meds to help with your depression while in therapy. Try to find a Dr that does CBT because it's one of the best kinds of therapy for anyone that has depression.
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Avatar_f_tn
having bpd ir not is not the issue, coping with life is what people need to be. to be able to cope with situations is was separates some from others.
life is about coping with what happens and when you cant figure things out. get someone to teach you how to cope.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi there.  Firstly I have to agree with 'remar' and also state that I'm not a medically qualified person.  What I am is a very long term sufferer of diagnosed BPD.  I really don't think it matter's whether you are diagnosed BPD or any other psyc illness/disorder,  what does matter is that you seek and find a person qualified to diagnose and treat the disorder YOU are suffering from (sometimes a person can suffer from more than one disorder/illness).  Only when a diagnosis is made can treatment follow and as remar mentioned ''talking'' therapy's are often the way forward, as in my case with DBT being the preferred therepy.  Medication can and does help a great deal but meds are normally only part of the treatment plan.  I do have to point out though 'mauddib87', that I do definatly recgonise nearly all, if not all, of the symptoms and behaviour's you have mentioned.  Yes,  I too have a copy of '' Walking on eggshells '' book, and although this is really intended for relitives and friends of sufferers of BPD, I haven't as yet had the ''guts'' to give anyone a copy, preferring to keep the diagnosis and even the name ''BPD'', to myself.  I am and always will be a tad ashamed of BPD, although the majority of the public have never heard of it,  Dr's don't like it because it's always been almost impossible to treat.  Not now though.  With the general introduction of CBT and the more friendly to BPD, DBT, things are looking up for BPD sufferers.  I am undergoing DBT on a long term project, along with medication to stablise moods and also a new treatment specifically for BPD called '' STEPPS '' imported from the USA - things are def looking up for Borderline sufferers.  So 'mauddib87', even if you do have a diagnosis of BPD in the future, all is NOT lost.  After many years of no treatment for BPD there are now options out there,  BPD is NOT a lost cause.  However, your problems and issue's you have are severe and you must be suffering considerably, so please do go and seek the help you need.  You have been treated very unfairly but that is now in the past, go and except the help offered and you can eventually live a better and more stable life, one which you surely deserve.  Why not pop back in future and let us know how things have progressed. X
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Avatar_m_tn
Some of what you say is BPD type behavior, the self mutilation, neediness, afraid of people leaving you, etc. I used to be a big time risk taker, doing everything from driving 120 mph in the rain at night to taking 800 mg of oxycontin just to party. I have had 6 or so major overdoses from just not giving a damn and partying too hard. I have been in numerous fights. We are all different and show the disease differently. Before jumping to any conclusions get diagnosed. Do what I did and check into the hospital. Just tell them you are suicidal and they will admit you and you can start to get help. Screw it if you don't have insurance, most places will just write it off anyway. From there the social workers will hook you up with outside help, and you will get diagnosed and on medication. that's my advice.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi, i feel connected with your story. I've never consulted to a professional yet because i'm too embarassed at myself. Although i'm not that close with my family i still live together with them, they will think i'm crazy. I live in Jakarta where people r not familiar with personality disorders. I feel so lonely, i can't make myself too close emotionally with others because i know i will tend to cling and i won't be able to control my insecurity. I tend to be failed in fulfilling my commitment to myself and others, I don't trust myself enough. I still can control my anger in public but not my sadness. If I see something that reminds me with something that i don't want to remember I'll cry. I feel so empty but I didn't hurt myself physically and I never did suicidal attempts.

I'm not close with my any member of my family. I realize that i grew up in a disfunctional family. My mom has a depression history and  my dad hurt me physically when he's angry. I feel that I can't find the support that i need or somebody who cares enough to deal with my problem.

I hope you'll get better soon.
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