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Am I or am I not
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Am I or am I not


Let me started by saying my doctor and family have been arguing for years about what is wrong with me mentally. Since I was young I been diagnoised with learning disabilities and some minor OCD (which got worst two years ago but I'll explain that after).

I have a lot of problems that I can state. I am an overly sensative person. I cry a LOT. But I can also have a temper which has gotten worst over the years. Thanks to what's happened to me in the past with old friend abandoning me I've become extremely paranoid thinking people will leave me left and right. That people are out to get me. With my EX I became manipulative and controlling because I feared he would leave me. When he wanted to leave twice I got clingy and begged for him.

I never wanted to be alone. But at times I think it's the best option for me. I don't get hurt. I started using something else as a way to fill the void of abandonment. My cats. My love for animals.

I have big anxiety issues. With my OCD I have purely obsessional. I had thoughts that confused whether I loved my EX or not and those thoughts caused me major anxiety. I understand with borderline feelings can change from love to hate a lot. And I use to do that. I use to say "I love him" to "I hate him" so quickly it scared me.

But nothing has scared me more till recently when I felt as if a switch had gone off in my head. Everything I thought I was all my life is suddenly gone. I've been an animal activist and lover for years to the point that I would do anything for animals. I've loved them more than people and would never hurt one.

Now I feel indifferent about them. Like I have no emotions at all.

I worry what would happen if my pets died. Would I be sad? Would I cry?

Even though weeks before I had thoughts of what would happen if I had to put them down because of how old they're getting and having problems. I bawled my eyes out.

Now I can't even think. I'm so apathetic about it.

I would get violent images in my head of killing people who have hurt me. But I know I'd never act on it. When I got angry I'd yell, I'd accused, I'd blame, I'd lie. But the only person I'd hurt would be me. I'd dig my nails into my skin, or claw my skin. I'd threaten my life. I'd say I was useless and didn't deserve to live.

In the past I always questioned if something was wrong with me. That I'm the most useless person. How can anyone like me?

When my grandmother called me a sociopath it's like a switch went off in my head. I can't look at an animal anymore and feel something. I can't say they're cute. I can't gush over them. Even though for a year I been overly excited for the panda's coming to Canada so I could see my first panda in person.

And just a little while ago. I went to cut something out of my cats fur that got stuck. And I got the image of cutting his neck and I felt this high batch of anxiety.

I always been a caring person. When my old teacher died of cancer. I cried. When my friends were upset I recognize it and I comfort them.

But I don't feel like me anymore.

And though this scares me another part of it doesn't.

They say sociopaths don't care who they are. Me I'm not sure. I was bothered and still cam. But still I don't know. I'm apathetic. When I watch sad things I can't cry like I use too. When I watched something like the hunger games I thought I'd cry but I didn't and I thought I felt myself smiling at the violence. I don't find myself feeling bad for people. My brother got hurt and I didn't seem to care.

I'm crying right now because I'm scared. Because I don't feel like ME.
10 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
When is the last time you saw a Psychiatrist? BPD can be very hard to diagnose. It can take years for some people and for others they may never get a diagnosis, or be diagnosed with something else.
You do still have feelings or you would'nt have been crying when you wrote this.
You have some of the symptoms of BPD. If I were you I would find a really good Psychiatrist and ask to be tested. You will spend time with the Dr and you will be given several questionnaires to fill out.
We're here to help anyway we can.
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5557106_tn?1369841688
        I would like you to listen to me just for a second,My girl whome I still call Angel Eyes has PTSD or rather I believe a misdiagnoses of it,however they are really very near the same it seems,the thought of diagnosing someone with BPD seems to be a death sentance,anyway,I can tell you from living it that your pushing and pulling,(I hate you,dont leave me) is very common,it seems,and the ability to turn off your emotions,is a safety control,it yourself trying to get you to drop some emotion since bpd people seem to feel about 10 times the emotion we non b's do.
   You need to understand that people do care,your ex needed you at one time,he left cause of the problems you were having and did not apply himself in learning why,how and when to care for you,or himself,I bet you he misses the earlier times,I feel like your trying to scare yourself into the belief that your alone when you think about your disconnect,from everything,when a man or woman feels he or she is going to die tomorrow,they will normally find a way to make it happen.And trusting they are going to be the ones kicking the ladder out from undernieth us just makes it that much easier to believe what your trying to protect yourself from,and you know what that is,trust,if you cant trust yourself ,how will you trust anyone else to say nothing of wanting to earn theirs,which we all need,no trust?no friendship,no hope,no love,no life
   Your not alone,arguing as nonbpd's do to try and show how your actions hurt us is pointless at the time,my girl is telling me I dont understand cause she is arguing about how she feels,which is most the time caused by nothing I myself did,I just got to close,and she is pushing away,then she feels terrible sadness due to her actions but tries to hide that she knows I see that,you know hurt them before they hurt you?
    I look at it like this,life is short,I have had a terrible upbringing,and so did my Angel Eyes,but at some point you are going to have to trust in the love people or the special person has for you,I have not went through so much pain and evil things  in my life,I am just glad I started learning and not blaming,I understand her allot better and she is close to accepting the help that can help her to center herself,she just has to trust,that those people did not become dr's to hurt people,just as I have not stayed fighting for her for the love of emotional pain,I love her,even if she cant or wont trust it,your not alone,hold your head up girl,we all have those thoughts at diffrent times in life,not everything is black and white,if it were,what would be the reason for confusion,we need people to feel emotions,good or bad,telling yourself a joke just is not as funny or fullfilling then when you tell it to someone else right?they know you are trying to bring them a smile,try to return that favor when your ready,:),good luck and hang in the.Cameron.
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Avatar_f_tn
thank you for both your comments. it's just hard to go from one thing to another. I have one person I been talking too since my OCD and she tells me her problems and I tell her mine. But she often tells me I'm more centered around what I'm feeling rather then helping her.

I guess that's true over the last couple years I stopped caring about other people and found them arrogant and I focused solely on my problems. I both angers and upsets me when people say that but I can't blame them.

Lately I been getting violent images. I can't pet my animals without thinking them and it either worries me or it doesn't.

I've never been one to act voilent I always been the wall flower. Sure I have anger issues and can snap but I never hurt someone. IBut then I doubt that because I have snapped and hurt my siblings before. But whether I felt remorse or regret I can't remember. Everything that's happened on the onset of these episodes I can't honestly remember how i was before.
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Avatar_f_tn
Like I mentioned before, you really need to find a good Psychiatrist to get a correct diagnosis. Would that be a possible for you to do?
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Avatar_f_tn
Not entirely sure. I have very little money.
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Avatar_m_tn
First of all hugs and prayers . With such insight into your actions i sincerely hope you get well in future .. Have u seen a psychiatrist or psychotherapist before .. I am not one but i think some of ur thoughts are severely obsessive in nature complicated by borderline so medication may help reduce that ...

Have u been diagnosed with BPD  ? Anyways lots to discuss too ( i dont know whether it will help to get a persons perspective as i am a chronic depressive who had a girlfriend who is strongly believe has BPD  ..

Anyway my hugs and prayers
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5669694_tn?1372074010
I have BPD and bipolar I disorder. I was diagnosed bipolar I in my teens, but the medication and therapy wasn't working for me. After starting new therapy about 4 years ago, I was diagnosed with BPD as well. I started Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, both individual and group sessions twice a week, 3 hours. I also started taking lamictal 200mg which has worked out well with very little side effects.

BPD is hard to diagnose and is difficult to treat - but it doesn't mean that you can't get better. You should make an appointment with a psychologist. Try to research online and find one that also specializes with BPD patients. Many psychiatrists are not completely familiar with BPD OR have specialized training in how to treat BPD patients. Most likely the psychiatrist will recommend Dialectical Behavioral Therapy DBT starting individual and then group. This type of therapy is very helpful even if you don't have BPD.

Definitely go to therapy asap. If you don't have insurance, look up centers online in your hometown or call a crisis center and they can direct you to a nearby free or sliding-free clinic. If you are prescribed medication, make sure you do your research online. If the medication makes you feel "weird" or any side effects, make sure you tell your doctor asap. Sometimes they have to try out different medications to see what works. It took 3 different medications before I was finally put on the right one. Mood stabilizers work better than anti-depressants for BPD. But sometimes people are prescribed both.

It's important to find a good balance. Take the right dosage to be able to function "normally". It's still normal to feel some depression and anxiety. That's why you go to therapy to deal with your problems. Sometimes medication will need to be adjusted. It's very very important to keep all your therapy appointments every week. With DBT you keep a diary with daily notes, charting your moods, thoughts, feelings. It's very helpful to look at the week and see what behaviors caused certain events, mood swings, etc. I believe there's an app for iPhone for DBT diary charts available now.

The thing that really helps -- and I know it is common-sense but it's something that we neglect especially when having mood swings... but remember to -- have a specific daily schedule and routine. Get up the same time every morning. Don't take naps. Go to bed at the same time every night. Eat meals at the same time every day. Don't skip meals. Don't over eat. Eat healthy. Exercise at least 30 minutes everyday. Keeping a daily schedule/routine will help control your mood swings. Exercise will help with depression.

And goes without saying... don't drink alcohol. It will only worsen anything you are feeling. Definitely do not mix it with prescribed medication from the psychiatrist. I overdosed twice from mixing when i was in my 20s and am very lucky I survived.

I know it's hard to get out of the funk of depression and especially confusion when you aren't sure what's going on with you mentally and emotionally. One thing that helped me put things into perspective --- I got out of bed, stopped crying, and volunteered my time to help mentally and emotionally disabled artists. You need to remind yourself that things could be a lot worse. I saw that when I was in DBT therapy and there were people in my group that worked for months on just how to put one foot on the floor to get out of bed in the morning. You don't want to get to that point! So call the psychiatrist asap, schedule an appointment. Go to every appointment. Take medication if that's what the psychiatrist suggests. Go volunteer to help out people in your community - whether it is a homeless shelter, disabled artists, veterans, hospital or a retirement home. It will keep you busy, you'll make a HUGE difference in someone's life that needs help, it will make you feel good to help people, you'll realize that there are many other people that are worse off mentally, physically, and/or emotionally - and this will help you redirect your attention on getting healthy and happy instead of drowning in your own rumination.

Wish you luck! Things do get better. I promise! But you have to be committed to getting the help and treatment you need. I hope you listen to my advice.. it took me almost two decades to figure these things out. I wish I had someone to tell me back then the things I know now.
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5669694_tn?1372074010
oops.. i just noticed that I wrote "psychiatrist" when I meant "psychologist". That means it's bed time for me! Hopefully my reply still makes sense. Just ignore the late night typos :/
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Avatar_f_tn
Hello love.  I've been reading your posts avidly and I've studied carefully all the details you have mentioned.  I've even taken on board a few issues I noticed you haven't mentioned!  That last comment is NOT a criticism in any way.  As a long term sufferer of diagnosed BPD, 31 years, I agree wholeheartedly with 'remar',  'unhappyliver' and 'hopefulforfuture'.  The comments by these three folk (and one other) is well worth taking on board and acting upon if you can.  Because I'm from the UK I don't know much about the health care system in other countries, our's to an extent is free.  You really DO sound as though you could use some decent help from qualified people who know about all types of mental health issues.  Even with the best will in the world,  none of us can really diagnose ourselves or other people and we certainly don't have access to the various psych meds and therapy that's required to treat illnesses/disorders.  This space here is a kinda ' club ' where we can all share/vent/rant in our various problems and not just those things but also share our positive points too.  Lastly I have to agree that from my experience, DBT is one of the better therapies for BPD and I'm sure, other disorders too - certainly can't do any harm!   HUGS    XXXXXXXXXXXX
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1238036_tn?1404531285
I feel dead shaken up by what you are going through. I have B.P.D. but I have to follow that by saying that I may not have it.   I am in my mind over sensitive and often feel guilty for not 'pulling myself together'.  I'm shaken up because I have similar problems.  I have been very emotionally unstable and it has effected others very badly.  I have recently taken two overdoses and was offered help from the hospital.  For the first time in years I accepted the help and had my first appointment recently.  It was scary hearing myself sounding out a complex muddle of my life and my actions/behaviors.  My identity is a mess.  I can't write much more right now-it's difficult.  I find myself really feeling for you - I don't want you to be hurt my anyone.  I hate myself - and find and odd comfort with that. I hope it's not self-indulgent, I don't want it to be self-indulgent to hate myself.  Please don't think I'm a nutter, I confronting things for the first time.  We'll get better.  Hang on in there.
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