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Attention seeking

Hi everyone,

I hope that I'm posting this in the correct place.

I have a slightly embarrassing problem that has come about over the last few weeks. It sounds really silly when I think about it when it's not happening, but when I am thinking about it, I don't think of it as silly for some reason!

I keep having this kind of craving to attention seek - Like if I'm walking down the road and see an ambulance coming by me, I think to fall on the ground so that they'd stop and well, I'd get some kind of attention from it.

I'm a healthy 25 year old with no previous mental health issues etc and think of myself as a pretty normal person!

I don't know why I keep have this go around in my head.

Thanks.
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Avatar_f_tn
Things can just go but usually it is when something significant happens.  Like for example, a significantly depressed person becomes well after the birth of their grandchild.  Some quite major life event, I guess.  I don't know if anxiety would truly go though.  Maybe given the right circumstances.  It sounds like quite a big risk to take with your life when you have the power to do something about it now.

Perhaps talking about it has helped.  Or maybe you're just able to cut it off into black and white.  Maybe even on this forum anybody would feel healthier in comparison to others.

You're right it doesn't sound like something you specifically need.  Not if you prioritize your needs.  Maybe you could look up psychologists, etc in your area.  Would you have a doctor who could recommend one or refer you to one.  Want to go private?
Maybe even try Dr Gould's free three-day trial of his program.

Procrastinating creates stress anyway.  You should make a decision either way.  If you decide not to it is always something you could revisit down the track.

It's hard for me to remain neutral on this and not judge.  Like I have said though you know yourself best.  Do what is right for you.
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm a healthy 25 year old with no previous mental health issues etc and think of myself as a pretty normal person!  --  your words

Question and I'm only wondering, not passing judgement in any way - why did you choose this forum "borderline personality disorder" on which to post?
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Avatar_f_tn
It sounds like you may want someone to nurture you or to take some responsibility for you at the moment.

Maybe you're feeling a little stressed or overwhelmed.  Maybe you just desire a relationship (where someone is there for you).

It could mean a number of different things.  Not sure what.  If these thoughts continue it probably wouldn't hurt to see a psychotherapist for a short period.
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Avatar_n_tn
Thanks for the replies...

First of all, I didn't see anywhere else to post for mental health kind of questions.. Unless I missed a better section, this is kinda where I ended up posting!

Jaquta - What you say is true - I'm finding some thing pretty difficult as I moved countries a few years back and since moving, have found it tough to make friends and only have one family member here that recently got married so we're not as close any more. I'm happy and not feeling depressed or anything, I socialize when I'm at work etc - I just have this weird urge to get some attention like faking an injury or something - But not to really injure myself! That's the only thing that goes around in my head to do - Trying to get rid of the thought!
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Avatar_f_tn
I personally like the mental health expert forum but I know it's not possible to ask a question there all the time and currently the expert is away.  =(
The anxiety and depression forums are also good places to go to ask questions.  Here is a good place too.

Sounds like an obsession.  The ocd community or the obsessive compulsive behaviors expert forum may be able to offer advice.  

As you are generally fairly healthy I would expect having deeper, more meaningful relationships would help.  Have you thought of joining a club or an interest group.  They can sometimes be good distractors and good ways to meet like-minded people.

If the problem does continue to exist, or gets worse, I would recommend seeing a psychotherapist.

Good luck.
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Avatar_n_tn
Thanks for the reply ;-)

I'm always trying to make an effort to do new things and meet people and make friends - But just hasn't worked out for me yet. I guess it takes time as the first time you meet someone maybe you say a few words to each other, but if you only see them once a week in class etc, it takes time to build on that and get to know each other better.. I am trying though.

I don't think I'm going to go insane or anything, but I kinda feel weird - Like coming on the way to work on the bus, I start to feel like I could scream or something - I know it's all the power of the mind and I can control it, but it's kinda weird all the same. At this point, I don't feel depressed or anything so at least I haven't got that (!), just kinda feeling weird now and again.
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Avatar_n_tn
Whilst I am here ;-) ....I have this weird OCD thing that I've had probably 10 years now but it never really bothered me and I guess that a lot of people can have the same thing, so I was never worried about it - But I notice that it's worse when I am worried about something or have something on my mind like now and it starts to bug me. Does anyone know the reasons for OCD? It's really weird and I'll try to explain it (ah more embarrassment coming my way) - I have this thing where I do things in pairs to make an equal number, like 2, 2, 2, 2, 2 = 10. Like I'll tell myself I have to tap 2 fingers on my thumb, and each time I do, that counts as two, so I do it 5 times to 'make 10' and then stop.
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Avatar_n_tn
It's funny, I always used to laugh at my American friends (I am English) because they always seem to have mental or physical problems to deal with. Serves me right for now taking a look at myself and seeing the things I have...

Also, I've never had a panic attack but was really close to having one I think a couple of weeks ago at work (or maybe it was half of one!) - I was sitting eating lunch and the funny thing was, I wasn't even thinking of anything that was stressing me out - Only at the point that I started to tingle, blood was rushing to my face and hands and my heart was racing, I started to worry about that. I've fainted a couple of times in the past and could really feel that this was the real thing and that if I didn't control it, it could happen. Luckily I got up right away and left work and walked around the block and shook it off - I hope that I'll be good like this in the future controlling other stuff.

I don't have big stresses in my life luckily, I guess I just worry about the future a bit and what and where I am going in life, like all of us.

I'm not a messed up person but some things have happened in the past to me, just like everyone, that is still in my mind and 'bothers me' - For example, I'm not really in touch with my Mother which is kinda tough and I still hold resentment about what she was like as a Mother and some things that happened when I was a teenager (nothing extreme like abuse etc) - Is there anyone asides from a psychologist that can help me with these thoughts and work out my emotions and put these things to rest?
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Avatar_n_tn
Thanks to everyone's input, it's really helped.

I'm going to look in to getting some help I think - I don't think it's right that I should carry on living like this. Sometimes it is worse and sometimes it's OK, but today for example has been a weird day. I didn't have a bad day, I even went to join the gym (which I think could be great for me, as I used to do lots of sports and keep fit!) but it's come to being at home by myself in the evening and I've felt the need to escape somehow, and I've been drinking and am really at this point trying to control myself as to not drink too much more. I don't drink often, maybe once every 2 weeks, but I guess it's not right to feel the need to do something like this in order to escape. My aim is to drink until I fall asleep and that's where I'm heading.

Anyway, that's enough from me - It looks like I like hearing my own voice and being the centre of attention - But it's not the case. Thanks for listening to me vent.

Be seeing you all around. ;-)

Amy.
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Avatar_f_tn
A friend?  The doctor on the mental health expert forum has a self-help program you can work through.  His website is myvirtualshrink.com.  I think he has a three day free trial.

Like everyone you're just wanting to feel heard and be fixed.

It sounds like you should possibly get some early intervention before things get out of control or you lose a couple of year of your life wondering what's next or about things you have done or not done.
The anxiety needs to be worked through.  I think the more effective approach is to talk through issues vs just medicating them.

I hope that helps a little.

Good luck!
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Avatar_n_tn
Thanks Jaquta - You've been very helpful!
I agree with what you have said.
Amy.
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Avatar_n_tn
You know what, thinking about it a bit more, I guess there is 1% of me that wants things to get worse, probably so that I can get some attention out of it and be taken care of - That's what I need to control.

I was seriously stupid last night - I was by myself and decided to have a drink, just to get a little tipsy and 'let my hair down' - I ended up getting pretty drunk and collapsed in bed. I woke up this morning and needed to go to work, but knew that my stomach was in a bad state. Ended up not going to work and vomiting. Not good. I haven't been sick from drinking in years. In all honesty, as rough as I have felt today, I'm just laughing at myself for doing that. I don't and won't do that again for a long long time.
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Avatar_f_tn
I think what you were trying to say is so that you don't have to take responsibility for it.

I spoke about all this, because I have felt a similar way, to the doctor on the ?emotional eating expert forum.  I think his recommendation was to get therapy.

Binge drinking is dangerous.  It sounds as though you're trying to mask some painful memory or experience, etc.

I would advise talking to the doctor on the mental health expert forum but he is currently away.  You should still speak to a professional about all this.  Something is going on emotionally.

I hope you feel better soon.
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Avatar_n_tn
Thanks ;-)

I guess I am reluctant for a few reasons: 1. I don't know if my situation is bad enough to warrant seeking professional help. If I would seek help, I would do it either to stop things getting worse in the future, or if I could see things getting worse in the present. 2. In any case, it scares me to make the step in seeking professional help - Because I feel that once I do this, maybe it could exacerbate the situation and in the step of seeking this professional help, I tell myself that I'm messed up even more than I actually am. I'd rather try to control this myself than to seek professional help and therefore not bring this in to the forefront of my life. 3. I've heard that you need to find the 'right' professional/doctor for you and that sometimes they can do more worse than good. It will be hard enough to find the kind of professional I need, let alone to start seeing lots of different ones and pay money each time etc.

There is probably other stuff also.

On the other hand, if I easily had access to a therapist-type-expert, I would be more inclined to go ahead with this. I don't want to be diagnosed with some form of illness, be labeled some way or be told I have something wrong with me. I truly believe that my situation is a mild one and don't want to be treated like that's not the case. It sounds like I am in denial, but I'm not. I'm most of the time really OK and it's only every couple of days that I have the ambulance-type-thoughts and maybe a couple of times a day (for a minute each time) that something clicks in my head and I feel like screaming for example.

On one hand, I don't want to say my issues are problem, as they are not so bad, but on the other, I don't want to deny the fact that it's all a little weird some times and maybe I do need to so something about it.

When is the doctor back!? LOL.
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Avatar_f_tn
I have no idea to be honest.  A week?  Maybe two?  I don't know, he didn't say.

My personal opinion is that it would probably be worthwhile seeking help.  The good thing would be that because it is mild or that you have intervened early that therapy could be of short duration.

You don't have to be terribly sick or dysfunctional before accessing help.  Which is a good thing.
The thoughts, etc sound like they are frustrating enough to warrant attention.
You can't predict whether things will or won't deteriorate in the future.  As for now they sound a little distracting and it doesn't sound as though your life is working how you would like it.

Stress or any specific trigger could make things worse -potentially.

Therapy doesn't have to be about being messed up.  Therapy can be positive and just help to move things forward.
Plenty of people access professional help.

Maybe you could help yourself through self-help books or courses.

It's true that some patient-therapist relationships are damaging.  I think this is more true of people with major mental illness though, like many of us here on this forum with bpd.  For the average person they would be able to tolerate a lot more frustration.
A good therapeutic relationship is useful but you can still learn valuable stuff from others.

I'm not quite sure what to make of you.  On the one hand I think you're right and think this is mild or minor but on the other hand I think there may be a little more to it, like with the drinking.

Denial or ignorance?  The drinking almost seems attention seeking too.  ??  Bragging or a call for help??

Not sure about the doc.  You could wait and ask him for his opinion or ask members on the depression or anxiety forums or you could just decide for yourself.

I think there're issues there.  How you choose to address them, or not, is up to you.
You need to do what you feel is best for you at this time.
Based on my own experiences I just think that you'd be stupid not to do something about them now.  You know yourself best though.  Do what you think is right.
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Avatar_n_tn
Thanks Jaquta.

I agree with what you wrote. I must say, I was all excited today as 1. It was my first day at the gym I just joined and it felt really good to exercise and 2. At the reception in the gym, there were lots of business cards there, there was one in English and it said psychotherapy/life coach - I got all excited, but then came back and looked at the website and it's all art therapy and stuff that isn't what I need... So the search goes on.

"I'm not quite sure what to make of you.  On the one hand I think you're right and think this is mild or minor but on the other hand I think there may be a little more to it, like with the drinking."

I guess I don't know either! ;-) The drinking was a bad thing I know, it sounds bad. But that was never my intention to go that far - I didn't enjoy and and am not proud of doing it. The good that came out of it was that first of all, I only drink once or twice a fortnight anyway, and well, I don't want to drink any time soon!

"Denial or ignorance?  The drinking almost seems attention seeking too.  ??  Bragging or a call for help?"

No - It's just way of me feeling v relaxed and letting go/escaping a bit - watch a movie and relax. Def not attention seeking - Otherwise I'd probably drink myself silly until I'd need to call that ambulance of mine! Glad to say, I have never had the feeling that I want to intentionally hurt myself.

I hope that the gym will be a good thing too... healthy body, healthy mind, right?
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Avatar_f_tn
The gym sounds  promising.  Maybe you could Google some more sites or look up the yellow pages.  Life coaching sounds OK.  I think there might have been a life coach expert forum here.  You could always check that out.

At least you've still got a sense of humor.  Humor is a functional defense mechanism.

Exercise is good.  I'm not sure it will help with all your issues though.  Maybe it will, maybe it won't.  Someone first needs to assess what those are.

Good luck with the gym and for interacting with people there.
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Avatar_n_tn
Thank you ;-)

The gym should be good for me. As a teenager, I used to do lots of sports and be really fit and healthy and of course, that makes people feel good/better than what I do now example, which is work with computers and use one all the time at home, and don't move myself enough!

I agree, the gym won't help with the OCD thing for example and I doubt it will eradicate the other weird feelings I've been having.

Truth is. In the last 2 days, I feel like I have nothing wrong with me at all. How can such feelings come and go like that!? Last week I was literally feeling those feelings like the bus screaming and ambulance thing every day!

Can someone just have a bad week like that and then the feelings can go? I guess it has quite a chance of coming back...

I don't really want the life coaching route but want a trained psychologist I think that really knows and understands someones mind and works on the problems and thoughts. The life coaching thing, I looked in to, and it's just for getting advice really as to how and where you are going in life in general. I don't think that's what I need.
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Avatar_f_tn
Things can just go but usually it is when something significant happens.  Like for example, a significantly depressed person becomes well after the birth of their grandchild.  Some quite major life event, I guess.  I don't know if anxiety would truly go though.  Maybe given the right circumstances.  It sounds like quite a big risk to take with your life when you have the power to do something about it now.

Perhaps talking about it has helped.  Or maybe you're just able to cut it off into black and white.  Maybe even on this forum anybody would feel healthier in comparison to others.

You're right it doesn't sound like something you specifically need.  Not if you prioritize your needs.  Maybe you could look up psychologists, etc in your area.  Would you have a doctor who could recommend one or refer you to one.  Want to go private?
Maybe even try Dr Gould's free three-day trial of his program.

Procrastinating creates stress anyway.  You should make a decision either way.  If you decide not to it is always something you could revisit down the track.

It's hard for me to remain neutral on this and not judge.  Like I have said though you know yourself best.  Do what is right for you.
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Avatar_m_tn
The thinking about jumping on the ground when an Ambulance comes by is one thing. Acting on the thought is entirely different. That's what makes us Human, the ability to think before we do stupid crap. So in my personal opinion, you smarmy British sod, you are perfectly normal, but just lonely.
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Avatar_n_tn
LOL - Smarmy British sod!? That's nice, thank you! Trust me, I am far from being smarmy... I guess you must be British though (or I hope so!) so that I can allow that British sarcasm of yours!?

Thanks Jaquta - You've really helped. If I decide to do something, I'd go private. I wouldn't go through my health care service as I don't want that on my records for life really.

For now I'm feeling good... Asides from my dreams last night - Owww, sometimes my dreams really affect me. I dreamt that I went to a psychiatrist and paid them lots of money and then found out I had lost my job as the company I work for was closing - So I was stressed that I wouldn't have a good paying job in order to pay for my treatment. And then I went to go and make my first appointment, and I couldn't get help from anyone, they all ignored me!

Anyway, once I knock this dream out of my head, I'll be all good to go!

What does Dr Gould's three day program consist of?
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Avatar_f_tn
You'd have to check out the program yourself.  What I have seen of it it takes you through some feelings.  I did one of the exercises and somehow it made me feel empowered.

Your dream is telling you something.  Maybe you are afraid of the financial burden of therapy??  Maybe that is how you feel in life, ignored and invisible.  ??
I'm not very good at interpreting dreams, especially other people's dreams.
Maybe you don't think you can be helped??  You may better understand your dream yourself.

Ebin is right, thinking (and even feeling) are different to acting (or behaving).  This is how basic cognitive behavioral therapy works.
If you put think, feel and behave on a separate point of a triangle then theoretically by working on any one of those things you can solve the problem.
For many people, changing the behavior is the easiest.

For me, and I have major issues, I prefer psychoanalysis.  This seems to work best for me.  It means I can work through many of the developmental stages that I missed growing up.  Many of my issues relate back to childhood.

CBT is said to be effective for anxiety and ocd.

I don't think you have major stuff going on.  I think you are lonely.  I think understanding that loneliness can be helpful though.  I think it is affecting your ability to function, even if on a very low level, and that is why I think therapy would be helpful.  The loneliness can also be the effect of other deeper lying emotional issues.
I sometimes over-pathologize.  You're normal but with issues, like most people.  I think getting in touch with those deeper feelings can be helpful.  

I personally wonder if Ebin has a little more growing up to do.  Sounds a little like my brother in not really getting how debilitating or all consuming some things can be.
Maybe that is unfair and I know some of that is driven by my own frustration with my family and others in not understanding or getting it.  bpd is different to mild ocd.

Thinking can sometimes become dysfunctional.

I think you're at the very low end of the continuum and I think that you could probably get by without any support but I think you could make your life work better for you and I think that there is a very small risk of things getting worse.  If I had the opportunity to eliminate or minimize that risk then I think that I would do that.

I think smarmy British sod was a term of endearment.
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1336591_tn?1275713677
hi i have BPD and have had it sonce childhood.. attention seeking isnt a symptom really.. we dont seek attention..we seek highs to fill empty spaces and self sabatoge ive seen a therapist since i was 5..i know this stuff. id say you dont have BPD
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Avatar_n_tn
Thanks again Jaquta - You really seem to know what you're talking about and talk a lot of sense.

Yea, you're probably right about my dream and the analysis of it - Sometimes I don't like looking in to my dreams too much, but they can often be useful in seeing how I am feeling. 90% of my dreams contain the exact same things, escalators, elevators, shopping malls and trying to get somewhere and being delayed or stopped along the way! I guess we can all understand the general gist of the elevators and elevators (up and downs, life decisions, etc) and shopping malls, well, I'm not a big shopper (!), but maybe it's me questioning where I am going life, shopping for 'things'... I don't know.

With that dream in particular - The money thing is an issue - I recently had to pay for a few things which has taken a chunk of my savings. If I'd pay for treatment, then it would be again another thing - And I guess it costs a lot of money. I'd need to stay in my job and for nothing to go wrong (like in my dream, the company closing) in order to pay for it - and it's still a lot of money to fork out.

We're probably similar that our issues stem back from our childhood - Like I maybe said before, I don't have a messed up past, but have things on my mind that are not resolved or clear for me. Plus in moving to a new country 3 years ago, has been a big change that I tell myself was easier than it actually was, has and is being.

Things have been better the last few days - I'd pretty much class my mental state as being pretty normal now -- I don't know, sometimes I sit there for 40 minutes or something just thinking and doing nothing - I'm not having feelings of being stressed out or anxious really - I guess I've just always been the quieter one in the family who is definitely more of a thinker than a talker.
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PS, I originally posted on this section of the forum because I couldn't find anywhere else to post it - I don't think I have BPD! Sorry ;-)
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Avatar_f_tn
There's nothing wrong with being introspective.

My last T moved countries several times and she found it incredibly stressful.  Give yourself time.

I doubt you have bpd too.  People from medhelp usually redirect posts to other forums.
I guess some people could feel like it trivializes their issues and makes it less of a safe place for them to post.  I hope not.  Most people with bpd seem sensitive and compassionate.
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Avatar_n_tn
Thx ;-)

Just trying to find something that would be good for me - So far, no luck... How about this person though?

"xxx xxxx, Ph.D., Psychologist, Social Worker
Focus on relationships, depression, psychosomatic issues, anxiety, sexual dysfunction, and eating disorders.
Orientation: Self-Psychology and Intersubjective System Theory".

Psychosomatic issues? How does the orientation sound also?
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Avatar_n_tn
Echhh, I just don't feel so right today... But maybe I'm making myself feel like this and it's not actually true?

Just have a fluttery feeling in my stomach and chest. I was sitting on the bus coming to work and started having visions of the person behind me stabbing me in the back.. and like with most of these thoughts, I play out in my mind what I'd do... Keep still as it could make it worse to move etc.

MMM.
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Avatar_f_tn
I think you have heaps of stuff going on in your head, some of which would be useful to discuss or explore with someone.

PhD sounds great.  Suggests possible experience and education.
A psychologist who is also a social worker.  Sounds a bit mixed up but OK.

Relationships is good.  Mood is good.  Sexual dysfunction and ED's?  Don't know if they apply.  Could be helpful in talking about intimacy and sensitive issues.

Psychosomatic is when we transfer emotional issues into physical ones.  For example, instead of feeling anxious or depressed we have a headache or a sore back or a sore anything really.  Usually just lots of physical symptoms.

I'm not familiar with that theory.  You could try Googling it or contact them and ask for yourself.  If you were interested you could always arrange to have one session and see how that works for you.

I think most adverts advertise the same stuff.  Relationships, grief, abuse, trauma.

I have seen sites on how to find a good therapist.  Looking at some of those may help you in making a decision.  You would need to Google that also.
psychology.com comes to mind for some reason.  Not sure why.
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Avatar_n_tn
Thanks Jaquta, as always ;-)

I contacted the psychologist and she says that she has a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology so I'm going to ask more specifically if she thinks she could help me. It was also recommended to me that the psychologist has experience also with OCD (not so much the compulsive part but the obsessive part) as well as general anxiety disorder.
There are some things that she has experience in that I pasted here also, but of course, as long as I can see if she could offer what I need, then I should go ahead with it.

Thanks for explaining the psychosomatic side of things which is what she has experience in also. I do have something physical that I think is linked with stress which I've had on and off but worse the last few days. So maybe that can be taken care of also.

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Avatar_n_tn
Wow, I don't know what happened to me all of a sudden.

I woke up this morning with a really bad stomach and feeling.

The tips of my fingers are purple, I'm shaky and not feeling good. I had to force myself to eat, and I was just chewing the food and couldn't swallow. Luckily I managed to eat in the end. But I am feeling shaky all over. Trying to keep this under control!

I called the psychologist that I found the other day and am going there in a couple of hours on emergency.

I didn't think that it would come to this.
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Avatar_f_tn
You should find the clinical psychologist OK.  For me, with bpd, I found it difficult relating and engaging.  The last T I saw had a PhD and she was excellent.

I think, providing you have a good rapport, any T would be helpful.  The therapeutic relationship is one of the most important aspects of therapy.  I guess without a relationship then no therapy is possible.

A sore stomach can often be traced back to nerves.
Not sure about purple fingers.  I have Raynard's and my fingers turn white and pink and purple.  It is often made worse by the cold and by stress.

Shaking can also be due to anxiety.  Maybe making the decision to get help has triggered this emotional response.  I expect I would be nervous if I were to see a T, especially one for the very first time.  I expect I probably was but it was a long time ago now since I first went and I expect I was too depressed to notice all that much.

I think it is just nerves due to the anxiety and apprehension.
If the psychologist expects it is more then I hope that she would direct you towards appropriate support.

Perhaps it was inevitable as the discussions seemed to highlight an underlying emotional need.  If you felt that you were truly fine then you would have posted your question waited for a response and then left.  I think in some small way you were reaching out for help.  Perhaps the decision would have been easier if it were black or white.  For me I am so dysfunction I don't see that I do have an option.  (Unfortunately for me, and perhaps others whom I advise, I am not able to access therapy at the moment.)  

I hope your appointment goes well and that you feel better soon.
I also hope that this person doesn't rush to have a doctor prescribe meds for you.

Good luck!!
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Thank you my friend.

Well, I'm officially in therapy. (She was surprised to hear that I was never in therapy before! I hope that's a good thing!? MMM).

This morning was a panic attack (which I've never had before).

The therapist brought out all of my issues in 50 minutes. Now I can see what is going on with me. Back to her on Wednesday.

Hoping for no more panic attacks as that was horrible and I feel exhausted now.

"A sore stomach can often be traced back to nerves." - Yes, that's what it is... I've had it for the last 3 mornings in a row (and in the past occasionally also) - The psychologist basically said that is my so-called 'release' per-se as all of my worries and anxiety and stuck inside of me and therefore that's why it went to my stomach and was my 'release' for it due to all the feelings inside.

I can totally understand now as to how the things that have happened in my life have now made me come to this. I have had stages of loss in my life which has now culminated in not really having anyone there for me 100%...

First was loosing my mother due to her having an affair and going to live a couple of hours away from where I and my sister were left with our  father, at the age of 16. She's pretty much out of the picture now and has been for 9 years or so.

Then was moving to a new country and leaving family and friends behind and starting a new life. Again, big change for anyone and loosing my close ties with everyone back in the UK and especially with my father for example due to living in another country.

I only then had my sister with me and since 3 years ago in emigrating we (as always) have been extremely close and relied on each other social wise etc. She was the only person left in my life that I was close to and nearly a year ago got married. She is also due to have a baby in 3 weeks time, so even more so, since she got married also, she has been busy with her life so I've been pretty much by myself... I haven't been able to speak with my sister about what's going on with me due to her being busy in married life and also I don't want to worry her as she is worried enough due to giving birth for the first time in 3 weeks time!

Add all of those stages up in my life and all of the upset and stress that I have inside of me... and that's what you get.

What I do wonder is - The psychologist is very well trained I can see, she is a medical doctor and has a Phd in psychology. However, she gave no practical advice as to what to do with panic attacks for example and the bad stomach thing.. Or I just have to work through that and with her helping me mentally, it will clear those things up anyway?

I am going to see her twice a week for the first few weeks and take it from there. I can see that she has no intention in recommending medication, and of that I am happy - I guess she can see that my things can be resolved just by talking things through and the other methods she uses?

It was good. For 4 hours this morning after the 1 hour panic attack, I still couldn't breathe properly, it felt like I had a lump half way down my throat that is stopping me from breathing normally - As soon as I walked in there with the psychologist, I felt it go. Just from 50 minutes of talking and seeing a majority of the issues, I feel much better.
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Sometimes I wonder why everyone isn't in therapy as we all have issues.

I think the reason you weren't was because you hid your issues/ feelings well and you coped well (on some level at least).  I heard someone describe our issues as something in a little black bag that for some people can trail for miles behind them.  Sometimes we are able to peak inside that little black bag and sometimes that is enough to allow us to continue functioning in our daily lives.  Some stressors if not addressed though accrue.

Sounds like value for money.  I wish my issues could be worked through in one 50 minute session.
She sounds like a good therapist.  In my country we don't often get the doctor/ T combination so having a medical degree is always an added bonus.  It is nice to have someone objective be able to offer their perspective of what is going on.

The sore stomach is the psychosomatic stuff.  That may better help you understand it.  Having identified that, next time you have a sore stomach you can also perhaps stop and look at what is going on in your mind.  Sometimes just seeing and allowing yourself to feel will help reduce it or make it go away.

Perhaps what I perceived as loneliness was actually loss.  You sound as though you feel more empowered now.  I think having made the connection (with issues and with the T) you feel less isolated and alone.
It's interesting for me sitting here how that identification of loss can change your mindset so much.  It's amazing how powerful our minds can be.

I suspect the upcoming birth has also brought things more towards the surface for you.  I know that when my sister was pregnant I felt a lot of loss.  The loss of not being in a relationship (especially an intimate one).  The fact it highlighted change (which I don't cope well with).  It brought a lot of my issues to the fore because she had what I would have liked myself.  Plus the stability, security, etc.  It's a lot of stuff to have to confront.  Maybe there were even feelings of jealously (even when I was happy and excited for her).
You also get to be an aunt and that is also new and exciting.  It can also allow you to experience some of the joy and wonder.

Working through the emotional issues should clear the panic and physical symptoms up.  I expect she may offer more practical advice during the next session.  If not, ask her for some.  I expect with her background she would like to give you some.  Maybe she just didn't want to overwhelmed you on your first session.

I find deep breathing exercises good for staying on top of anxiety.  Try taking some long, slow deep breaths and see if that helps.  Otherwise any relaxation exercise is good.  Music, exercise, a hot shower or bath. etc.  Your T will give you strategies and techniques to cope.  I think that is probably the self part of the self-psychology.

For the most part you sound healthy so she is probably relying on that too to see you through.  I guess if after a period of time your anxiety/ panic didn't improve then she would offer it then.  It is good that she doesn't for now.  Also medication can help mask symptoms and you want to be able to feel them to work through them.
She sounds like someone who you can trust.  She sounds competent.

What made the panic go?  Maybe if you need another technique you could visualize that first session and walking into her office and having the panic go.

For now, trust her and go with the flow.  If you need something or aren't coping tell her and ask for some strategies.  I expect after the next session things will be much clearer and your T would have had time to formulate a treatment plan.

Good luck (and don't stress.  Just take one thing at a time.).
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Hey,

I can't post back as fully as I'd like now, so will later, but things have since progressed... again...

I felt really bad again this morning and went to the hospital, they checked my stomach as it was v painful and it was OK. They sent me to a psychiatrist who has put me on Clonex...

Now I'm medicated also.
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Hey, how are you doing? I hope good.

"Sometimes I wonder why everyone isn't in therapy as we all have issues." - AGREE! But I guess, at least from what the psychiatrist said today, I apparently am one of those that is prone to something like this due to my family history! O well!

Yeah, I really contained everything well. I can't even say that I (at least) realised that those feelings were inside of me. On a day to day basis, I'm a chilled person, laid back, not tense at all really. I think it's just been the last 3 months have been a lot harder for me since I moved in to an apartment by myself, so with that, and the closed up feelings, now it's just burst basically.

So yep, I'm on Clonazepam - How weird to say that!? I was told to take half a tablet straight away but only took a quarter because I had to go to work and was worried about how I would feel and look from it! I took another quarter a few hours later and that's it for today. Truth is, I have ONLY had those panic attacks in the morning. Like I said before, believe it or not, I am a really relaxed person and I don't feel anxiety after 12pm it seems! Just wake up feeling bad. I didn't therefore really feel anything from the meds this afternoon because I wasn't anxious anyway! I'll need to speak with my psychologist to see what she says about the best time to take them. It scares me to think that I'll take them 24/7 when really, I've only had problems in the morning AND only in the last 3 days, where 2 were panic attacks. I'm meeting her tomorrow so will ask. I spoke with her after I'd gone to the hospital and she said that the meds are a good idea for now. Really I can't live like this if I'd have it every day. Panic attacks, bad stomach, empty stomach, weak, shaky and the worst is having a massive appetite but not being able to bring myself to eat. Not possible!

Will speak with her about the side affects also - I've had a sore dry throat (even though I've been drinking water like there is no tomorrow!), feeling shivery and cold, a bit twitchy in my muscles (like spasms) and the worst which was embarrassing when just walking down the road was my teeth chattering together, like my whole jaw - I had to walk with my hand over my face!

I called the psychologist at 9am this morning (again) in an emergency because of the panic attack. She didn't answer the phone, so by 10pm, I took myself to the hospital. She then called back when I was there already and started to give me tips about how to breathe to stop the panic attack (which I was doing, but didn't seem to help) - Anyway, LOL, I was like 'errr, yeah, I don't feel well, I'm in the hospital'!!!

Anyway, that's the latest. Boy, what a soap opera.

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I'm doing OK.  I have my moments.  I find the evenings difficult but the mornings are bearable.  It has been frosty here this morning and the sun is now out which is fantastic.

It's unfortunate that everything changed for you but I expect long-term (maybe even short-term) it is for the best.

Maybe being alone also gave you time for some self-reflection.  It can be interesting where our mind takes us if we watch it.

It always amazes me how we think we might look different from taking a psych med.
I'm sure the reality is that we don't look that different.

I'm the opposite.  I wake up feeling OK.
I'm wondering if you aren't more anxious than you think.  I always use to think that I was relaxed but most professionals said that I was highly anxious.

That is sometimes what life feels like living with bpd.

I can empathize with the appetite thing.  I have been quite stressed and have stuffed my emotions with food.  However because of the subsequent weight gain I developed quite bad reflux.  Eating was extremely painful but the negative emotions were still there.

I expect if the panic attacks have been occurring in the morning that it would be best to take the med in the morning.
One doctor once asked me to take anti-anxiety medication and thought it best if I divide the dose up over the course of the day.

The doctor on the mental health expert forum has said that klonopin (clonazepam) in his experience is one of the best meds for anxiety and panic.

The side-effects you mention, to me, sound more like symptoms of anxiety.
I'm just a layperson though.

That's quite funny (ironic) -phoning you while you're at the hospital.  Oh well.
That was quite late in the evening for her to call.

I live in NZ and I guess our system here is more like that in the UK.  I couldn't imagine any T here phoning after 4.15 pm (hours are from 8 am - 4.30 pm).
My T asked me to contact him last year which I did.  He has still yet to return six phone messages.  Eight months to return a phone call.  ??

What a bummer your T didn't get around to sharing some techniques with you sooner.  She sounds good though and it is even better that she was able to see you almost immediately.  Here we would be placed on a waiting list for like a year or two.

Things will start to settle down with the therapy (and the medication).

I hope you have a better week.  At least you still have a sense of humor -that's important.
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TY.

Well, what has happened to me in the last 2 weeks is just all a little weird!

Today I woke up and had the bad stomach again (fine, I can admit, that at least I have some anxiety there which either causes all or some of that problem). I also generally don't feel well, which isn't like me. I feel really tired, even though I am sleeping as good as ever and I haven't been eating much due to either having no appetite or to having an appetite but being anxious about things so can not bring myself to eat.

I did not take the meds today as I really feel that things got all a bit crazy and out of hand and that I don't really need the meds.

I went to my family doctor and spoke with him and explained what has happened. Again, another person said to me that they really don't think I need the meds, and if anything, that I should first check my physical health and do some tests in order to clear myself of that. I feel like this is the case also.

And then what happened....? I was worrying just about the fact that I have not told what is happening to me with the 2 people who are closest in my life, my sister and father... I told them both today, and well, I don't want to jinx myself, but right now, I feel totally 'back to normal'! I've just eaten a big meal which I haven't done for probably a week now and feel pretty fine.

I of course need to see what will happen tomorrow morning and am not under any illusion that all of my problems have now gone away 100%. It was just such a big release to tell my family what has been happening.

I know that I still need really to see the psychologist to discuss things that I have on my mind from my past and what is going on with me - But now, I feel that meds are totally out of the question. I am functioning fine.

I am going tomorrow to my doctor to do some blood tests to check that my levels of everything are OK, and also get some tests for things that could be causing my stomach to do this - Again, I admit that it's at least partly stress, but I have other symptoms also which may be 100% health related.

Boy, just crazy I tell ya!!!
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Anxiety can be exhausting.
I was going to recommend you see your doctor too to rule out any possible physical causes.  Here, we see our GP's, they do the physical exams and then they refer to the mhs.  Going private can mean that some things can get overlooked if not careful.

You will know best whether you need medication or not.  Having access to a small dose if you are having panic attacks could be useful.
I would encourage you to trust yourself and how you feel vs what others may say and advise.  Although well meaning we don't always understand or offer the best advice.

Telling your family members was a big move and probably a good one.  Having your family members know that you're feeling a little bit vulnerable doesn't hurt and allows them the opportunity to provide extra encouragement and support.
Not disclosing information to people you are close too can be extremely stressful too.
It's good that you have your family on board with this.

I would strongly encourage you to keep your psychology appointments.  I would also suggest you discuss medication with your T.

Hey, it's good to get all this stuff sorted.  You will feel better for it -hopefully!
Good luck for all the tests.
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Thanks ;-)

Well, I'm not on the meds and feel fine...

I went to my doctor this morning who has said that there is something wrong with my stomach basically (possibly Coeliac disease) so I have done blood tests etc and will get the results back next week.They could feel that my stomach and small intestine had something wrong with it along with the other symptoms.

It was all a bit weird that Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday had the same patters with waking up in the morning and having a bad stomach and then feeling better 3 hours later. The other symptoms such as tiredness and lack of appetite can be because of this also.

So, we'll see!

Interesting indeedy.
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I went to the psychologist also last night and really felt quite fine up in my mind... However, I obviously have some issues that I still need to deal with so will still go to a therapist to help me with those things.

PS, my doctor said today that they have heard also about people who had similar stomach problems being sent to a psychiatrists and given meds.

To be honest, the anxious feeling I was having at the time of having a bad stomach was just anxiety of feeling sick and not knowing what was going on.

But yes, still a therapist for my issues ;-)
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Just goes to show that everything over the internet should be taken at face value and shouldn't replace speaking to trained professionals.

At least you won't be taking meds for a physical problem.  I know some doctors are quick to direct people towards other specialties because they don't want to have to deal with or take responsibility for what is going on.

It's interesting that a doctor could evaluate that by palpating your stomach, etc.
I've been quite iron deficient for months and iron supplementation haven't helped so my GP had been discussing the possibility of celiac disease or malabsorption.  I'm due for another blood test mid-July so we'll take things from there.

I guess iron deficiency and/ or anemia can cause problems with mood and anxiety.
I found that I was having problems concentrating, etc and also felt quite short of breath at times.  Plus was tired all the time.  I put all my symptoms down to anxiety and recent radiation.

It will be good to get all this sorted.  For both of us, I guess.  My doctor gave me medication for bleeding to take during the first days of my period to see if that made a difference to my iron levels.  I think I'm holding my iron stores at the moment.
Waiting for results can be frustrating and stressful.

I really hope nothing serious is going on.

I don't think you'll need that much therapy but it will be good to get on top of everything.
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Thanks again ;-)

Well, this morning the same thing again, as since Sunday morning. Felt awful again, also had a rash on my arms and some other weird symptoms. Went to the doctor who had my blood test results back already and..... everything came back absolutely fine! One thing in my white blood cells came back a bit off but means that I am probably fighting a virus... So, err, OK... We've gone from me being totally mental and taking anti-anxiety pills.. To a stomach disease.. To a very bad virus that has a weird pattern to it!

Going back again after the weekend for more tests.. in the meantime I am feeling very weak and can't eat, so am just sticking to water and sugary liquids.

Makes me laugh now to see where this this thread is, in a mental health section!!
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Hey, you don't need to keep thanking me.

Could the rash have been from the clonazepam?  I have heard some people talk about the stomach flu.  Could it be that?  I hope it's not contagious.

I was wondering if what you have may be a hiatal hernia or an acidity problem (reflux, heartburn, etc).

Sounds like a poor attempt at being House -trying to diagnose others.  Oh well.

Don't mock those of us who do have mh issues.  They are as challenging, if not more so, than some physical illnesses.

If you want to post in another forum there are heaps of other community forums out there.  undiagnosed symptoms, ... there're heaps.

Good luck with the additional testing.
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I only took the Clonazepam once on Tuesday I think, and the rash I had was on Thursday, so don't think it was that.

I don't have any problems with acid reflux or suchlike.

Since last Sunday, it's followed the same pattern. Basically wake up feeling nauseous, go to the lavatory once and my stomach is emptied. Then feel bad for 3-4 hours physically, like my whole body. Shaky etc.

Once it's lunchtime, I feel OK asides from weak. I can eat whatever and it goes down fine. Then if I go to eat after 8pm-ish, I straight away feel bad in my stomach and my whole body.

Basically, my body is fighting a virus, which during the day whilst I am active and feeling strong,  I feel OK. But at night and in the morning, my body is weaker and more in a relaxed state, so I feel worse. And during the night, it's attacking my body and hence, I wake up with a bad stomach which then feels better once I go to the toilet and clear out the "badness".

Seems to be that is what is going on...

Going back to the doctors tomorrow for some more tests.

I wasn't mocking those with mh issues - Not sure what I wrote before, but honestly, I wasn't. I agree and think that even more so, mh issues are WORSE than physical illnesses.

Hope you're having a nice weekend.
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Sounds like the story of someone on the undiagnosed symptoms community forum.  Fine at lunch time but sick in the morning and evening.

I know.  It just felt like a put down.  You have a choice, many people here don't.

I've had a busy weekend.  Plus is my nephew's birthday next weekend and the following weekend my brother is home from overseas.

I hope you have a great weekend too.  You doctor seems really onto it.
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Yep.

Enjoy your family time.

I went for xrays and an ultrasound for my stomach this morning so will see what happens the next couple of days.

All the best.
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Good luck with the tests and therapy.
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TY
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Funniest update ever (excuse my sarcasm).

I have been treating my 12 days of illness as a virus.

It is not a virus.

3 days ago, I woke up with terrible anxiety and feeling bad mentally and physically... This build up was because of something that was happening on this day and only then did I realize that all of my physical problems are from my mind. It was all a mental problem to start with.

I found a new and excellent psychologist the same day and went to him. He could see through all of the symptoms and then I could do. I can't believe that I didn't see it myself.

I have been treating anxiety and depression as a virus for 12 days by locking myself in my apartment in order to 'get rid of the virus' and in doing so, made the real problem 10 times worse than it started out.

The new psychologist has helped greatly. He said don't take meds and just say to myself from this time on that I am going to break the cycle of having a bad stomach in the morning and not having an appetite etc etc. I did that and the next day was the first time in 12 days that I didn't have a bad stomach. Also today, the second day since seeing him, I didn't have a bad stomach again.

On the other side though. The day after I saw him, I felt much better in some ways and worse in others. Regardless, today I feel pretty darn good. The only problem is that I couldn't sleep until 6am this morning, even though I was laying there feeling relaxed and I wasn't aware of any stresses or thoughts on my mind whatsoever. I obviously still have some deep thoughts going on that I can't even grab on to or see what they are or that they are even going on!

Asides from that, I ate a meal today for the first time in 12 days and I have my appetite back.

So good and bad things are happening. At least it is a relief to get my final and correct diagnosis.

I don't want to fool myself and think that now I feel 'back to normal' today, that I will feel the same way tomorrow.. but at least that is where I want to be.
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Just remember that thoughts and feelings are like clouds or waves or even leaves on a tree.  They come and go.  How you think and feel can change from moment to moment.

It is good that you have a good T with whom you can relate too.

Physical and mental illness can be confusing as there is often some overlap.
Be patient and receptive and you will come to understand and move forward.

Good luck with everything.
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Thx.

Yes, I am really trying to stay strong and relaxed. The problem is that I can't even recognize it myself until I feel really bad physically, so I need to learn how to stop it before that.

I am back at work this morning which is obviously a big improvement since having more than a week off. But I am still left with some weird symptoms which I don't know why I have really. I still feel very faint and my eyes are blurry. Also, I just got to work and I DID feel myself start to feel a bit panicky as people were asking if I am feeling better (after my "virus") and to be honest, 5 minutes later I had my bad stomach again! But of course, that bad stomach seems to do wonders and I feel quite a bit better afterwards...

Just now need to sort out the blurry eyes and dizziness.

I don't want to blame these symptoms again on a physical illness (!) but my ears are blocked up a bit and my glands are up in my throat today. Again, dare I say that those symptoms can cause loss of balance/dizziness and blurry eyes.... haha. Now I don't know what is what I really don't. I'm just going to try and forget about it and get on with it.
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Not necessarily to stop it but to feel it.  People need to be able to feel their emotions.

Those symptoms could be due to low blood sugar, dehydration, etc or anxiety.
Try some deep breathing.  That can sometimes help.

It sounds like somatization but then it could also be due to a 'real' issue.
Keep up with the therapy to help you better understand, etc and see your doctor if you have concerns.
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Yes, agreed. I need to feel it in order to be able to not have the physical things and regardless of the physical feelings, but even more so - There are obviously things that are bothering me that much that have caused a big build up of anxiety within me. And I didn't even see it coming.

That's all I want to do, is at least, to bring those deep thoughts to the front of my mind, and if it means that I can then just get them out and talk about them, then I'd rather do that than what is happening to me now.

I agree about the symptoms... and am trying to work out a correlation between the 'non-mental' possible issues and the possible medical ones such as simply not eating much in the morning, hence, having low energy/sugar levels and feeling faint. Even though I can see that sometimes I have eaten and unlike me, for some reason, something will bother me a little and then I feel light headed and faint - But they are things that wouldn't normally make me feel like this, unless now, I am maybe just very sensitive to things around me so maybe that's why. Anyway, enough of diagnosing myself. I wish I could do it, but I don't know myself... apparently!

It would be easy enough that if tomorrow, I wake up feeling OK, I won't go back to the psychologist, but that is something that would be the dumbest idea of them all of course. The psychologist blamed all of the feelings I have on what I have going on mentally, I just hope we can dig deep enough and/or that he will be able to help me somehow get to those thoughts before something happens again like not sleeping the whole night and laying there feeling so relaxed and like there is nothing on my mind.. but of course there is big time!!
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You know yourself, you just aren't listening.

Your symptoms seem a little atypical from what I am use to.  If you were relaxed then what was preventing you from sleeping?  Maybe it was the pressure from lying awake thinking you're relaxed?  I hate lying awake not being able to sleep.

I went through a phase where I thought and felt I was relaxed (more so than usual anyway) and ... well I'm not sure what was going on now.  My anxiety levels were extremely high, apparently.  Maybe the relaxed state is a state of denial.  ??

Just listen to your body and mind and give yourself permission to just feel.  If something comes up you don't have to change it, just acknowledge it and try and identify it.
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Totally agree.

Really, what has been making me anxious is really not knowing if it's a mental or physical problem... Or both... I've come to the conclusion that it is both - Still isn't solved 100% but I'm on my way.

I woke up this morning with a really stuffy head and blocked up nose and ears and I think that is what was causing that faint and off balance feeling in my head. I took anti-decongestants and now that feeling has gone off and I feel good.

Feeling much better today so hope it will continue. Mentally, I've been thinking that I'm OK, and well, I'm not 100% but I'm pretty sure that it is still mild anxiety and depression like the psychologist said.

But the example about not sleeping and feeling relaxed at the time and like nothing is on my mind, is obviously still something I need to sort out - I just want to be able to channel my thoughts and recognize what is bothering me, even if it's something small that anyone would worry about.

I hope that the psychologist will be able to help me with this. In some ways, I am thinking that I won't go back to him as I feel OK now, but I guess that is a bad idea?
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Many people with anxiety, and anemia, stress about health issues.

You are OK.  Everybody is OK.  I actually think you may be more anxious than you let on or are maybe feeling frustrated with some aspect of your life.

Very bad idea.  What happened with the last T?  I expect given her training and education she may have been more expensive.
It's almost like you're doing something a person with bpd would, not saying you have bpd because I don't think you do, but that is leaving relationships prematurely.  I wonder if subconsciously you were leaving some of your stuff with her or probably more likely ran because you felt exposed and vulnerable.  I don't know.  That theory doesn't quite sound right.  Just wondering though because the leaving is becoming a theme.  Do you feel it says something about you or your status or do you just leave before people hurt or leave you.  ??  I should stop trying to psychoanalyze you.

About identifying the thoughts what I found useful were the dbt skills (used for treating bpd) observing and describing.  You don't even have to start with thoughts or feelings.
Observe stuff and be mindful of that.  Later you can describe what you see, hear, feel, smell, taste, etc, etc.  I really should revisit these skills.  They are really useful life skills.  If you're interested they should be on the net somewhere.  Just search for dbt skills.  I would recommend looking at the ?mindfulness ones.  The observing, describing and mindfulness ones.

If you're not interested don't bother.  It was just an idea.  It was something that helped me go from being unaware to being a little bit insightful.
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"I actually think you may be more anxious than you let on"

Yes, it's not that I am trying to hide something or am not being honest in telling the true way I am feeling - The problem is that I honestly don't realize what is causing me this much anxiety. Like I said in my previous posts, when I have the physical problems, I don't at the time have anything in the front of my mind going on that I can say is causing the anxiety. It's just so far back that I don't know what it is. I really don't.

The first T had less experience, and was cheaper and not convenient to get to from where I live.

The second one seems great, is close to me, a lot of experience and expensive, but hey, he seems really good so I will see him for now. I have only seen him once but am seeing him tomorrow for the 2nd time. The only thing which ***** is that he is going abroad in one months time for 6 months.. so he's not going to be here in a months time. I hope that I'll at least get enough out of the sessions with him that I can at worst, just have to move to another T and kinda start over. Not 100% practical, but I hope that I'll be able to solve a lot of these things in the meantime and hope for the best.

The first T recommended to take the meds and the second one recommended not. The second T helped me on the phone a couple of times with things and his approach seemed to have really helped, so I hope that it can continue. For example, I called him panicking that I hadn't eaten all day and now I really needed to but the smell of food was making me nauseous. I called and asked if I should take the meds and if that would increase my appetite and solve this problem. He recommended to not take the meds and try and control this by myself and have the confidence in doing that without needing meds. He said to sit in front of the plate of food and close my eyes and breathe deeply. Sit there as long as I need to until I am desensitized to the food and that it doesn't make me feel nauseous anymore. I did that and it worked.

(About the relationship thing, I think you got confused about the T's and that it was actually the other way around. We should be all good on that now, in agreement? ;-) )

So you're saying that you shouldn't necessarily start off with what your thoughts of anxiety are literally, but just more about what you are feeling senses and symptoms wise?

I don't know how it's going to go with the T tomorrow, but I hope well. I don't know how he is going to do the session and to be honest, I don't know how or what would help me either... so I hope his approach will be good and worth it!
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I don't think you're being deceitful or dishonest.  Just reading some of what you write you come across as being quite ...  It doesn't even feel like anxiety, not how I experience it anyway.  It kind of feels more obsessional.  Like you get stuck on something and find it hard to let go or move on.  That is anxiety.  I guess it is different for everyone.

I guess if it were me (theoretically speaking because I would likely do what you are) I would find a new T now before you develop a therapeutic alliance and have to invest in covering the same ground with someone else.  It doesn't seem like a very practical thing to be doing.

Perhaps it's more about needing reassurance.  Just wondering if you feel you need permission to eat (to take good stuff in).  ??

I understand now -I think.  She was less experienced and more inconvenient and wanted you to take meds, etc.  No, I think I'm still probably confused.  I thought the last one was a doctor with psychology degrees and experience in social work.
I expect I did get confused somewhere.  Sorry for not getting it.

I don't have any psychological training, etc.  What I have found useful is just basic observing and describing.  Observing is just observing without trying to describe it. I just meant starting with very basic things.  I am walking.  I can hear the sound of my shoes on the street.  I can hear birds singing in the trees.  I can feel the warmth of the sun on my face.  I can feel the slight breeze.  I am thinking x, y, z.  I am feeling a, b, c.
Just real basic stuff.  The other deeper stuff can take time but with practice you can learn to become more in tune with everything.  With your thoughts, feelings.

If you know what is causing your anxiety you could work backwards from that.  Issues go from superficial to deep.  An anxiety about being alone in the present could relate back to being lost in a mall when you were younger.  I'm not a T I can't really tell others how this stuff works.

I just read this very brief thing this morning.  It said people can be either factual people or emotional people.  People can either use facts or use feelings or use both.  I was probably a more factual sort of person.  I liked all the facts.  I liked to know all the ins and outs of something.  Now, I expect I am more an emotional person.
Maybe if you are not that in tune with your feelings you are a factual sort of person.  ??

I think you should do whatever works for you.  Let your T guide you and don't let anything I say confuse you.  (BPD makes me a very confused individual.)

Trust him and talk to him.  That's got to be a good place to start.

Just wondering if the gender of your T means anything.  Gee, I'm hopeless.  Good luck with your session.
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I have some anxious thoughts at some times in the day and can recognize them which is good. A lot of them I can't and they feel way back in my mind. The thing is that such a tiny thought triggers me and then it can last for a while. For example, I think in my mind 'I feel lonely now' - it finishes there but the anxiety has been brought on just from thinking those 4 words in my mind. They come and go so fast that I hardly remember or recognize them. It's not like I'm having long and extensive thoughts so then I can focus and see them well.

The first T was female with a Phd in Psychology. She recommended taking the meds.
The second is a male with a Phd in Psychology also, and is the professor of Psychology at the university here and has a lot more years experience than the first. He recommended not to take the meds which in a way I am thankful for and in other way, in a way, I want to take them, as when I feel bad for even those first few-several hours of the day, all I want to do is stop that.
I don't think the gender of the T matters really. In fact, I'd probably like to see a female more than a male, but as the new T is more experienced and seems to help more, I decided to see him.

Now I am a bit concerned that really, I can only see him another 5 times (5 weeks, once a week) before he leaves the country for 6 months. I've gone back and forth about it and what to do, but I think overall, I will stick with him and hope that in the next 5 weeks, I will be feeling better and can sort out most things that are going on.

Thank you for the advice about starting off with basic feelings... I really think that what you wrote will help me to not start off with the big stuff, but to start off basically and hopefully build it up to get to the real big problems and things that are causing me to be anxious.

I just got back from seeing him for the 2nd time. I think I am looking for too many answers and am not really getting any. I probably shouldn't really expect for the T to give me quick answers. The only person that can resolve these problems are myself, along with his advice. All I got out of the session was that as he was talking about what was troubling me, I was feeling faint and close to it, so yes, those things are really bothering me and are causing the anxiety. Asides from that, he's recommended to write a daily journal of my thoughts throughout the day and also write a list of where I would like to be in 1 years time. I hope that these two things will help and that I will be able to do them.

I feel disconnected from my emotions. And in general, just disconnected from my body. Even in the session with him, we're talking about why I am unhappy and what is making me anxious, I feel that I should have more emotions than I actually am letting out. I still have a big block there that I am trying to push through. About the factual and emotional... I feel def not emotional and the only factual thing is the physical feelings that I can properly explain and talk about.
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With time you'll be better able to identify them.  Your reaction won't necessarily be as automatic.  If something comes up you could review themes you have discussed in therapy, these can help provide some clue as to what may be happening.
I was told to look at when I had had those feelings before.  Who did they involve?  What were they about?

A Professor sounds very self-important.  The doctor on the mental health expert forum also has some decent qualifications and experience and he seems like he knows what he is talking about (and seems like a genuine person).  He is assistant clinical professor or something like that.  I almost felt you could have been describing him for a moment.  I think his preference is to avoid meds if at all possible.

I think you could be looking to avoid the pain and I don't think that is always a good idea.  Medication may or may not be a good idea.  If you can manage without it then I think that that is the best option.  Visit some of the mental health related forums and read some members comments about withdrawal and addiction, etc.  It is definitely best to not go there if possible.

Go for the next five weeks.  Also ask him if he could recommend someone else in his absence.  Several discussions with the doctor on the mental health and emotional eating expert forums have been way more beneficial than months, even years, of therapy.  If it's helping go.  Deal with his leave later.  At least he's given you adequate notice.
Don't stress about him going just make the most of now.

A lot of us plough through our days not very mindful of even basic stuff.  It's probably not all that surprising that many of us aren't even in tune with our own thoughts, feelings and bodies.

Sounds interesting.  Just do the best you can.  It's not a test.

You shouldn't feel as though you need more of anything.  That puts way too much pressure on you.  It kind of sounds as though you may be dissociating a little.  ??  I think that you're not feeling stuff for a reason.  That is also a way of protecting yourself.  I think the big question is probably, from what.  What are you afraid of?

The physical symptoms may be giving you something tangible with which to express your emotional pain.  They can also be warning signs that there is stuff going on that needs to be addressed.

Psychology is interesting but sounds a bit repetitive after a while.  I guess there are so many different techniques and strategies and individual differences that it is never boring.  I hope this new T can help.
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Unfortunately have felt worse in the last couple of days. Now it's all coming out as to what is my real problem, mental and not physical and also in going to the psychologist and having an hour talking with him, leaving and still having a LOT on my mind, now basically I have been feeling worse for it.

Haven't been able to really function in the mornings for the first few hours, and no appetite to eat until the afternoon. Generally feeling bad in the morning, not sure what to do with myself. Tried to go to work and sit there feeling disconnected from my body, blurry eyed and faint. Then try to be at home, and nothing to keep me distracted asides from focusing on the physical feelings and now the mental ones creeping in. I only feel 'normal' once it's 4pm in the afternoon on most days.

Tonight I have taken the clonazepam and will take 0.25mg once or twice a day. I was told twice, so will see how that goes.

I know that it's meant to be highly addictive after using it just for more than 3-4 weeks even, so I hope that I can take a low dose which will help me for the first couple of weeks or 3 weeks, max a month, but I don't want to go over that for obvious reasons.

I know the life changes I need to make in order so that I won't be as anxious and unhappy. I can do it and am and have been motivated, but not giving it 100%. There is nothing I can do which is an 'instant fix' so hence why I just need the meds to at least bring me down a bit from the anxiety and eat again and function and make the positive changes and meet with the T once a week.

Not where I wanted to be, but it got too bad.
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In therapy you can often feel worse before you feel better.  

Is 4 pm significant for some reason?  What does that mean to you?

Just take it as needed but not more than the specified dose.

It's OK if you take meds.  It's not the end of the world.  Just do what you need to in order for you to be able to move forward.

I don't know how addictive that med is but monitor your use and if you have concerns then discuss them with your T or doctor.

Rome wasn't built in a day.  Just be patient and take things one step at a time.  Let how you feel determine the pace at which you choose to make the changes.  If you feel great try for more, if not, just accept where you are and do the best you can.

As long as we know what we want and where we need to go we will get there eventually.
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In therapy you can often feel worse before you feel better.  
---- SO TRUE - After the first session, I felt pretty good. After the second one, and during the second one, I sat there and felt so close to fainting it was crazy. I was at a point of if all coming out that I couldn't control it. The T's technique was basically to just carry on talking whilst I had my hand on my head, eyes closed and about to pass out lol. I guess there was no point in him stopping talking, then I'd feel better and he'd start talking again and I'd feel the same again. I got through it in the end without passing out, but I felt awful for it.

Needless to say, that whole day I felt bad, and the next day I started taking the Clonazepam.

Things get worse before they get better ;-)

About feeling bad in the morning and better in the afternoon - I couldn't understand this but the psychologist made sense as to what he said. - When I wake up in the morning, I've slept and woken up first of all in the apartment by myself (which is part of my problem in being lonely and a tough situation) and also my mind has woken up (from a a deep relaxing sleep with my body functions slowed down also once I awake) mind pretty blank and not thinking of much. I noticed that when I sat down in the morning after getting up and didn't do anything, I start to feel anxious and bad. BUT if I get up, get ready and leave my apartment straight away, then  I feel a lot better. Then once I go to work for example, as long as I am busy and the anxiety and worries aren't on my mind, I'm OK. Once it's the afternoon already, I guess I've had enough happen to me since I got up and am around people, so the anxiety is off of my mind. Then once it's the afternoon, I get an appetite and can eat. Again, for the same reasons. At night I'm usually OK also, for the same reasons, have had a tiring and full day of stuff and unless I sit and start to think of things, or nothing, then my mind starts off again.

Now I'm at work and feeling 90% - Still a slight kinda buzz in my body from slight anxiety and a bit lighthaded but not faint. I don't expect it to go 100% straight away, but the meds have really helped me so far a lot.

Ty for the advice, I totally agree with what you wrote.

Just trying to keep positive and trying (but failing so far) to ascertain what the mental thoughts are when I start to feel the physical things. For now, the physical things come along and I can't see where they started from. The T said to write a journal of my thoughts during the day, so am trying my best to do this.
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It seems like good advice to keep a journal of thoughts (and feelings).  Writing things down may help you observe what is going on.  I guess it's a bit like keeping a food diary.
I hope the journalling helps.
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Thx - I have been put on some other meds today as the Clonazepam was making me way too drowsy and tired. Couldn't wake up in the morning.

Now I'm on Alprazolam which the psych says will make me less drowsy, increase my appetite and also help with the mild depression.

Hope it'll be better for me.

I also unfortunately have to start with a new psychologist as I decided not to go back to the second good one as he is leaving the country in 3 1/2 weeks... No point in seeing him and having to start all over again so will start afresh with a new and permanent one also through my healthcare which will be a LOT cheaper also.
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That was one of the meds that the doctor on the mental health expert forum said was effective for anxiety.  Just watch for long-term use though because a lot of people have written and complained about addiction and withdrawal.

That sounds like a good plan.  And with you making the break and not your T it will be easier emotionally.
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Thanks... Yes, I heard that the med I am on now is usually only used for 2-4 weeks and not longer due to withdrawal/addiction.

I am quite sure that I will be able to control the anxiety within a month of taking the meds whilst seeing the psychologist so am hoping to be off within the month anyway.

;-)
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Ridiculously, I've been gradually feeling worse since taking the medication!

Thought that the dose was low, as I was still having physical anxiety after just a couple of hours of taking it. Then yesterday, it didn't seem to do anything for me, so I had taken the regular 0.25mg in the morning and wasn't meant to take any more, but felt too bad. Took another 0.25mg at 9pm and another 0.25mg at 2am, and did nothing for me at all. Wake up this morning with my regular bad stomach at 5am, and had my head over the toilet dry heaving for 20 minutes (nothing in my stomach at all to come up). Don't know if that was due to the anxiety (I was more anxious because of a phone call I'd gotten last night) or maybe the "vomiting" was due to taking more meds last night. But 0.75mg in a day doesn't sound like much to me! It didn't even help me sleep and still slept as bad as I normally do with only taking the meds once at 6am.

4 days now of gradually getting worse. My appetite is going to virtually nothing and my sleeping is getting worse also. Total mess.

Going back to the psychiatrist today or tomorrow at the latest and will explain everything and we'll see what he can do for me. He's given me a Benzo which is meant to be the most fast acting, but a week of it, and I just feel worse. Then take a higher dose last night and doesn't do anything either! Not sure what the solution is here due to the other other meds I can take do not instantly help and can take 2-4 weeks before they do.

This *****.
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This *****.

Didn't realize that it's classed as a swear word lol... I wrote $-u-c-k-s... you know, as in, this is not nice!!!
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I understand.

My mum was prescribed that med for anxiety prior to flying.  She was told to take a dose as a trial.  I think it was .25 mg and she said it did nothing for her.  Usually she is really sensitive to meds too.

It could be that the dose is too low, especially for your high levels of anxiety.

Keep working through this with your doctor and therapist.
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TY. And how are you doing?

I went to the psychiatrist yesterday and explained everything. He said that I should up my dosage to 2-3 pills a day (1-1.5mg).

Also, he said before to take them in the morning, so not only was I not sleeping enough as I wasn't taking before I was going to bed, I also had to take them in the morning on an empty stomach and without being able to eat.

Last night, I took one pill at 12.30am as I got in to bed, after 10 minutes I was asleep, still woke up at 5am and was awake for 5 minutes but went back to sleep and slept a great 9 hours... Haven't done that in over 5 weeks now, and boy, did I need it. AND, no bad stomach this morning... First time in 5 weeks also! I'm going to take 1 pill at night like this and one at lunchtime for now, so 2 a day. And better to take at lunchtime also so that I am not so groggy in the morning once taking it and can eat normally a bit at least at lunchtime so can have the meds with it.

Still aware that this may not happen every day and I still have things to work on etc, but it's a good start.
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Hi.  Me?  Tired and stressed.  Have had my brother and his girlfriend here and have been busy.  Looking forward to just chilling out for a bit.

It's good that the medication changes are helping.  It always feels great to get some sleep after being deprived for so long.  Being less vulnerable also helps with the therapy.
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Well, I'll join ya a bit in the feelings... I've been sleeping a lot better, as in more hours, but I guess as much as the medication is helping with the physical symptoms of anxiety, it's all still inside of me and still feeling exhausted! All good... Just gotta keep moving forwards.

And I'm stressed also (!)... I emigrated a few years back at the age of 21 and now have family visiting also, and it's stressful with lots of things... I told them about what has been happening with me, and they call twice a day even if I've seen them that day to get an 'update' - Really fed up of it myself, 5 weeks has felt like a year and on one hand I just don't want to talk or think about it asides from when I go to the psychologist once a  week... But on the other hand, I know that part of this is my problem, that I keep things bottled up inside and then end up getting a bad stomach for example because of it.

Mmm, tough huh....
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Sometimes it's OK to stand still for a bit.  Maybe there is too much emphasis being placed on moving forward.  Maybe sitting and meditating is OK too.

I got the family calling a while back when other family members were overseas.  Fielding all the calls was more exhausting and disruptive and stressful than had I been left alone.
Maybe you could ask them to back off a bit.  Ask them for what you need.

There is a way to go about resolving your issues though.  As you are feeling more stressed I would suggest that that is not the best medium for you to do so.

I agree, tough.  For me, my resolution not to discuss issues with others (due to me withdrawing) ends up with me feeling depressed.  There is a skillful way in which to balance everything.

Good luck with everything.
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Thx, you too.

I'm trying to find a good medium still. There are pros and cons to telling my family everything that is going on with me. Part of my problem is that I am too 'closed' and would rather go things alone - But when I do this, I often am not thinking very logically and could do with someone's outside opinion/advice which puts in order the things I need to do and what exactly.

On the other hand, in being 100% open about everything is exhausting and I hate the once/twice daily call of asking for an update on what happened to me that day. Did I have a bad stomach again in the morning? How much medication did I end up taking? Did I wake up again at 5am? And I have lots of thoughts that I don't want my family knowing and I don't think they need to know either. I want some things for myself and myself only - Or at least that I just tell my psychologist. So between me and him.

Hopefully soon things will calm down and I'll strike a good balance.
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Yes, hopefully.  I would probably set boundaries with your family.
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Haha...

Well, things are still developing.

I just can't believe that I never saw all of these things myself.

I don't know if I mentioned before about this OCD-type thing I have. (Mostly with touching my fingers and thumbs together so that they make 2's, 3's, 5's and 10's - Totaling equal numbers). I've had it for 10 years or so now, so probably since I was 15/16 years old. I never went to a doctor or in to therapy or did anything about it. It never got worse over the last 10 years since having it, just sometimes, it gets worse when I feel anxious or stressed about something. So, only now with all of this other stuff happening (literally the last 5 weeks and having "nothing" before mental-health-wise in my life) do I now realize how this OCD thing and my anxiety are interconnected.

In therapy, it basically came up that my anxiety over certain events has accumulated starting from the age of 15/16 up until now, 25. To my surprise, I had brought up the OCD thing 'in case' it was important to mention (it actually doesn't really bother me) and the psychologist asked "and when did that start?" - To my surprise (or not), it basically started also at the same time, aged 15/16 when a couple of events had happened to me/stuff went on then. I have had this basic 'physical OCD' (equal number thing) for 10 years and never treated it. And now I have come to realize, that albeit, in the past, the 'mental OCD' hasn't been so bad, I've had that also. Now the 'mental OCD', I can realize is bad. In the last 5 weeks since this started, I have been obsessed about my thoughts and have compulsive thoughts also. No doubt, I had this in the past also, but just not as bad, so I didn't see it myself.

Even though I still do have literal things to be anxious about it life, a lot of the anxiety is being caused my the OCD and in me being anxious about being anxious and getting obsessed and carried away with my thoughts and building things up into things that don't need to be.
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Anticipating events generally creates more anxiety for the already stressed.

Working through the events at a younger age should help resolve your other symptoms.
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"Anticipating events generally creates more anxiety for the already stressed.

Working through the events at a younger age should help resolve your other symptoms. "

Totally agree, and that is part of my problem. It's like a self fulfilling prophecy and I need to get out of it.

Went to the psychiatrist this morning and got my 'long/er term' medication. Told him about the OCD thing of course, so he has taken that in to account with the medication he's given me.

I'm staying on the Alprazolam (1-1.5mg) a day for now. I said about it wearing off quickly but he was still adamant that even though Clonazepam would solve this problem, on the other hand, it will make me too drowsy. He said that because I work in computers also so a job sitting in front of a screen for 8 hours, even more so the Clonazepam is a bad idea. So fine, I will go with this and just split the dosage of Alprazolam up during the day.

Tonight I'm starting on half a tablet (10mg) of Paroxetine (Seroxat, Paxil) with my evening meal. After 4 days, I will move my dosage up to 20mg once a day. I need to do this for 2 weeks and then call the psychiatrist to tell him how I'm doing on it and see when I can then come off of the Alprazolam. He said in the meantime to still keep the max 3 tablets a day of Alprazolam but of course be aware over the next couple of weeks to not take it if I feel that I don't need it.

How does that sound like a plan?
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Sounds reasonable.  Many people have expressed concern about the use of paxil primarily due to the discontinuation symptoms they experience when stopping.  Taking paxil would be my main concern.  Starting slowly and building up is a good idea.  Weaning off the other med other a period is also a good idea (people have had issues with alprazolam also).

Your doctor sounds well versed in all the med stuff.  Some seem to have little or no idea and put people on meds and take them off without any thought for side-effects, withdrawal symptoms, etc.

Don't mean to stress you or frighten you.  It sounds like a good plan.
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Yeah, I saw some really bad reviews of this drug also... I don't know if it's this one in particular or generally SSRIs, but we'll see how it goes and hopefully all will be OK with me.

I looked on a couple of sites and people had posted their experiences, 98% were awful reviews of it saying about how the first time they took it, it gave them panic attacks, made them sick, terrible headaches and awful things basically. I took it last night for the first time and all I had was some pains here and there on and off in my head, but nothing that bad, for a couple of hours I had a bit of a buzzy feeling inside of me and also my heart was pounding quite fast at times... But maybe this is where people were mistaken thinking it's giving them panic attacks, where really is just a new drug going around your body - I kept calm as I knew it was just the symptoms of the chemicals in the drug, and I was absolutely fine. If I would have panicked, then I'd probably be posting the same reviews about it!

I also saw awful stories about people coming off of it and how awful it is. But really, when you look at a majority of the posts people were making, they were the stupid ones in not tapering/gradually coming off of it. Without me even taking this medication, I'd know that you need to gradually come off of it. These people were taking 40mg, 60mg (the max you can take) a day, and regardless of even if they even had a lower dosage, they just woke up one morning and went 'cold turkey'  and just stopped it all of a sudden! So not surprising that happened.

Anyway, I am still aware that I'm still going to have a first few ' weird'  days on it, but will get through it. The psychiatrist said that in pretty much all certainty, I will feel a bit nauseous, I will feel a bit disconnected from my body, etc... Fine.

The last thing I need to do is get myself anxious about this and I am keeping very calm and level headed about it. I hope I'll continue like this ;-)

Second meeting with the psychologist tomorrow so am looking forward to that as I am eager to ' get going'  finally and work things out for myself. I need to tell him about the OCD thing also now I've seen it's a problem also and has been bad the last few days... Now more than counting on my hands, I'm doing it in other ways also... But it's all good.. Will sort these things out.

I hope for only good things for me, you and everyone going through these difficult and confusing times ;-)
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I think your doctor explained things very well and has prepared you for taking the medication.  I'm not even sure some doctors increase the med gradually just tell their patients to take 20 or 40 mg's.  ??  Hard to say.

I'll second that too.

In regards to the ocd what I found useful was understanding that the current anxiety wasn't based on present reality.
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" I think your doctor explained things very well and has prepared you for taking the medication.  I'm not even sure some doctors increase the med gradually just tell their patients to take 20 or 40 mg's.  ??  Hard to say. "

I wonder this also. Makes sense to me that if you are guaranteed to have some side effects when starting off on any medication, that for the first few days you will not take the full dosage, but half, like in my case. Then after the 4 days or so, your body should be a little more used to it and maybe and at worst, maybe just the side effects could be  a bit more intensified and last a few more days, but that you've already experienced them a bit before.

"In regards to the ocd what I found useful was understanding that the current anxiety wasn't based on present reality. "

As in you had stuff from your past that was causing the anxiety you currently have?

I saw the psychologist today and he said (and I agree) that even though the hand counting thing I have has been worse in the last week or so, it's something that is not the most important thing to work on now. Hopefully it won't get worse and at least will go back to what it was before like it's been in the last 10 years... not a big deal, but always something to work on for the future maybe.
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Yes.  I mean, yes issues from my past were causing me to become anxious.
What I meant was that I don't need to go through rituals, etc because I can see that there is no basis for that anxiety in this, my current reality.  I'll look up the sentence and post it for you.  It may make more sense than me trying to explain it.

In my experience ocd and anxiety have been a big deal.  I guess they have related themes.
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For sure.

I only really get this OCD thing when I am not doing anything or if my mind isn't being occupied enough.. Like sitting on the bus (same time I have the intrusive thoughts also).

The session with the psychologist the other day wasn't so great. Sorry to be negative. It was literally an hour of 'life coaching' - him telling me basically that all I need to go and do is make friends and connections and that all of this will be solved. I've known these things and have been trying for a year already to do these things. Fine, not making a 100% effort, but I can and am seriously trying now. The psychologist said that I do have the OCD thing with my hands but that it's something that isn't so important to treat now (I see that) and that there are more important things to work on...

But the session with him just totally ignored anything that was going on in my mind and I feel like all of these things would maybe be advantageous to be spoke about. The psychologist, I can see, is just taking the 'simple' approach by saying just to make the changes I need to and don't go in to anything else basically.

I'm not going there for life coaching, if I wanted that then I could just speak with my family and anyway these are things that I have known for a long time, and he doesn't make me push anymore than I have done so in the past or add anything to what I already know.

I don't want for the medication to stop the anxiety and depression and for it to come back at a later time, or when I come off of the meds. I can't even say that in just going out and making some friends will solve everything and that I'll feel OK again... I told him this and he said that I just shouldn't think like that and that WILL solve it... MMM.
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In the process of helping to gib (plasterboard) the bathroom.  Have been waiting to help for days, now just log on and people decide they are ready.  Will post between sheets.

I'll have to get my book and look up that line later.  Sorry for the hassle.

The best way to deal with ocd is to work through it.  I don't think that distracting indefinitely will be that helpful.  Something more important than anxiety?  ??

Obviously something else is going on.  But likely it is just due to more anxiety.  ??

You can change behavior by acting but in my experience the thinking and feeling is also important.  This all comes back to think- feel- do.

Maybe you and your therapist/ therapy aren't a good fit.

Maybe it is a way to improve your self-confidence and stuff like that.  Maybe keeping it simple would work.  I've become avoidant because of my fears and for me telling me to do something isn't helpful.

What is stopping you from making friends then?  I have a personality disorder that means I have problems with relating.  What is stopping you?
Are the friendships and connections happening now that you are trying' 100%'?
If they still aren't happening, and you're trying, then you need to look at what else is going on.
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"Maybe you and your therapist/ therapy aren't a good fit. "

Seems like that is pretty probable. The reason as to why all of this started with me was because I was suppressing my feelings and thoughts and it got worse because of this, so now I am in 'therapy', you'd think this would be the place to get these out of me!?

"Maybe it is a way to improve your self-confidence and stuff like that.  Maybe keeping it simple would work."

I'd like in an ideal world to keep things simple, but I seriously felt worse after the session than before. It made me feel worse to just talk about waiting for the medication to work and be on that for the next few months (or however long it takes) whilst going out and making friends and making some positive changes. I don't want to be on medication to just cover over my anxiety and depression, I feel like I want to explore more in depth as to what is going on in my head. I can't even get to or understand a lot of things, hence, why a psychologist sounded like a good idea! But this is just life coaching, which I don't really need.

The lack of friends is due to circumstance really... Me and my sister relied a lot on each other social wise and she got married a year ago, then I was kind of 'left alone' if you can call it that. Since then I've been trying to make an effort (I know not 100%, but still trying a bit) but nothing has come about really more than speaking to a few people here and there - I have no problems with social interaction, just hasn't really worked out yet. I moved to a new country 3 years ago also, so had 2 years of being very close with my sister and not making friends because we just had each other, now a year of making a semi-effort and in nothing coming about. Just gotten really lonely and unhappy in the last 2 months or so.

All will be good I'm sure. I'm having really bad down days, and I feel them getting worse. I didn't feel depressed before, only anxious, and I now gradually feel my feelings and emotions come out of me, which I guess it a good thing, because before, I felt nothing mentally, it was all just physical problems...
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I just wanted to say that ocd is caused by anxiety its a coping mechanism, i suffer from bad ocd espically where the safety of my children is concerned, i only developed ocd after i started taking panic attacks. Cbt works well for treating ocd its all about exposure and not doing them, but i find once i stop one i bring in new ones. Mental health professionals won't see it as a problem unless its so time consuming that you can't function. If i go to bed alone it can take up to an hour to get there and shopping alone is impossible. If you can identify why you do certain rituals and the thoughts behind them, that helps, like i know going to bed makes me anxious incase something happens to my children so i perform rituals to keep them safe, logically i know it doesn't work but the intrusive thoughts makes me act on them. Anyway my point is if you know what is making you anxious then you will know when your ocd will be worst and you can try to control them even stopping them gradually helps and it proves nothing bad will happen, they really do feed the anxiety and make it worse.
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I still haven't gone and fetched that book.  Some other day maybe.

If I had the option of choosing which T to go to I would opt for a psychoanalyst.  They are good for getting to the core of issues.

You could be feeling depressed due to the medication.  Medication can do that to some people some of the time.

About the ocd stuff and in relation to what inneedofhelp82 said, under expert activity one doctor has written about irrational beliefs.  I don't know if that would be helpful but could be interesting.
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Thanks for your replies ;-)

Yeah, the medication has been really messed up to be honest.

I was told to take 10mg of Paxil for the first 4 days and then go to 20mg on the 5th day. For the first 4 days on the 10mg, I had some side effects such as only being able to sleep max 4 hours, feeling nauseous and bad headaches.

I moved to the 20mg, and that was something out of this world! Was a very bad experience. I didn't manage to sleep all night, I vomited in the morning, terrible headaches, felt totally wired or something (or as I can imagine). Eyes wide open hardly blinking, head buzzing like crazy, couldn't focus on anything etc. Then felt after like I had a bad hangover or something. Every time I would move my head or open my eyes, I felt extremely nauseous and head swooshing around etc.

Psychiatrist said to go back to 10mg, so I did that. Even now though after 7 days since starting to take it, I have side effects from the 10mg such as sweating a lot on and off, bad headaches especially in my temples and sometimes feeling nauseous...

I'm giving this time and being patient, but there is only so much I can take lol.

I was recommended to give it 7-10 days to see if the side effects go and if not, then go back to the psychiatrist and switch to something else. So we'll see what happens.

The psychoanalyst sounds good... I'm going to go back once more to my current psychologist and tell him how I am feeling (worse) and be honest in saying that the last session with him is maybe not the approach that I need and I felt worse from it. Will see what he says. I was reading an article somewhere and it was so true about my situation also. The article said about this kind of therapy and how it's like telling a badly depressed person to just go and take a walk in the sun or eat some dark chocolate and they'll feel better from it. That's how I feel! There is no point in just giving me life coaching before the problems have even been addressed. There is no point in telling me to just go out and make friends when I still feel terrible inside and can't physically do it, and in turn, it makes me feel worse both mentally and physically because that's all the 'help' I am getting here.
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That's like an analogy I have.  A bit like when a severely hypothermic person is given a blanket, a map and a compass and told to work it out for themselves.
I don't think that many health professionals understand that we can't (at least not at this time).

I would probably opt for a different med.

I hope you start to feel better soon.
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Thanks ;-)
Good analogy!!

Went to the psychiatrist. Explained everything. He first said that because of all of the side effects from the Paxil, I need to stop it. Agreed. But then he said that for 2 reasons, he doesn't want to put me on a new SSRI. 1. Because I was so sensitive and couldn't take the first one and 2. I am not eating enough. He said that if I'm not doing this basic thing, then he can't give me another medication to take and that's probably why the side effects were worse also.

Story goes on but basically he agreed in the end to give me new medication on the agreement that I 1. Make more of an 'effort' to eat and to work on that and 2. That I am around people more so that they can see I am eating and see my general situation.

So my new meds are:
From 20mg Paxil to 50mg Sertraline (Zoloft, Lustral) - 25mg for the first 4 days and then 50mg on the 5th day. Then once the 50mg starts to work, move to 100mg a day.
From 1.5mg Alprazolam to 2 x 1mg daily Lorazepam
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I didn't know that not eating was a contraindication for meds.  Many people with eating disorders are given meds to help stabilize their symptoms.  Guess he was trying to make a point.

Hopefully you'll do better with eating, the new meds and socializing.

Do they definitely believe that the weight issue is psych related and not physical?
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I took the Zoloft yesterday afternoon for the first time and the Lorazepam an hour before bed.

Slept OK, 5 hours - Seems like that's the max I can do so far, for quite a few weeks now. But better than nothing, especially like when I was on the Paxil! That stuff kept me up all night.
Felt nauseous in the morning a bit, but it passed after an hour or so. I REALLY want to get back to living my life and wanted to go to work today so made a deal with myself that in order that I am allowed to go to work, that I need to eat breakfast before I leave for work. And hoorah, I ate some toast and it was OK.

So have been at work, which is nice. Asides from feeling totally wired or something and I think people can even see it, but whatever... must look like I am speed or some come-down at times! Felt extremely sleepy at times and at others, wide awake and hardly blinking... then the weirdest is when I am feeling in between, (most of the time). Eyes darting all over the place, can't focus at times, but my eyes are half closed because I feel sleepy. Haha, anyway, I know that this happens to everyone at the beginning and then it wears off, so looking forward to that. So asides from a bit of a headache all day and the feeling nauseous feeling in the morning, nothing else really and hope it'll stay like that!

My appetite is better today also, and I am certain that it had gone because of the Paxil... that really did me in. I still don't have a massive appetite, but still had toast for breakfast, vegetables and some cheese for lunch and a yoghurt drink and well, 7.30pm now and leaving work, so will need to hunt for a bit of food when I get home later!

The appetite thing has been caused because of many things. First was anxiety, then I dealt with that via the Alprazolam, then on the Paxil my stomach felt full and I felt nauseous all of the time so couldn't eat, then at times my appetite has gone maybe 90% because of being at different stages in all of this, depressed and frustrated basically. But like I say, even an improvement today since stopping the Paxil and hope it'll get better still.
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm glad you had a good day today.  I hope you have an even better one tomorrow.

The darting eyes can be due to hypervigilance due to anxiety.  It could be that you are sensitive to what others around you may see and think.  Don't stress about others just focus on what you need to in order to function and move forward.
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Thanks, but think I spoke too soon...

Was sick on the bus on the way home last night from work, and was sweating and had pains in my arms.
All night was vomiting, ended up getting very bad so went to the hospital in the early hours via ambulance and spent a few hours there. They did blood tests, urine tests, and ECG to check my heart as it was irregular and put me on an IV with some fluids.

Saw the hospital's psychiatrist (who I had originally seen all those weeks back) and explained everything. He says that I have mild Serotonin syndrome so no more of those meds for me!

Still feeling pretty bad and the IV they'd given me with the fluid, I think, gave that medication still in my blood system a good buzzing around so I felt very 'wired' after and shaking/over-energy both brain-wise! Was also sick when I came from the hospital also. Guess I have a few days feeling like this until the medication has left my system?

They said to go back to my psychiatrist on Sunday and see about a non SSRI med - I don't know anything about meds, but hope that there would be something suitable for me, we'll see.

Asides from that, it's possible that I may go back to England to get this sorted as it's too difficult here with lack of support and people to be around. In England I can be with my Father and his wife 24/7 and have all the help and support I need. May not be possible time-wise, as I still have a job and life here. But my health is most important and I have gotten nowhere really in 5 weeks since this started.
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