I have recently had an extremely hard time with just my life in general. I started cutting myself again after being clean for nine months, I've started binge eating after eating healthy and exercising for three months, I've been more paranoid and frantic about abandonment than usual... The list goes on.
I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder two years ago, when I was 16. I've been effectively treated, but haven't been symptom free for longer than a few months. It just keeps coming back; over and over and over again. I have always felt like there was something MORE here. I've always known that I love too much, I fear abandonment too much, everything about me has always been TOO MUCH. I do too much of things that are bad for me even though I KNOW they're bad for me. I've lost so many friends because of my insanity; my crazy attachments and then intense anger when they wrong me; yelling at them and getting so mad when they do something that makes me think they're abandoning me then apologizing and telling them how much I love them an hour later. It's just so much. Everything about me is SO MUCH.
Since it's been getting so much worse lately, I've been researching more into it. I've been planning to get help but haven't gone through with it because I just don't want to go through it again. I just don't want to go through the therapy and the meds and my family hovering over me, wondering if I'm going to kill myself this time, if I'll totally lose it this time. It's just so painful and it never sticks. A few months later I'm back to square one and more miserable than before. But then I decided to look deeper into BPD. There have been times before when I considered that I might have it but I always brushed it off, not thinking it was REALLY me. I've spent the better part of my three hour break between classes researching and taking online tests and all of it has led me to the same conclusion: I have borderline personality disorder.
A few things are holding me back from seeking out treatment though. First, the fear is still there that it won't work again and I'll go back to being miserable. But it's less now, because I think I might have a full diagnosis. But still, it's there. Also, I'm somewhat confused about something that I was hoping maybe someone could answer for me. I'm currently on two medications for my depression; 300 mg of Welbutrin and 100 mg of Zoloft. I also occasionally take Trazadone to help me sleep, but not as much as I should because I don't want to depend on it too much. Now I know it's possible for the two disorders to be present (I've even read that it's common) but is it possible that even though I'm on meds, my possible symptoms for BPD aren't being treated properly? I'm not in any type of therapy right now (although I feel as if I most definitely should be) and I've read that that's a crucial part of treating BPD, so could that be contributing to me feeling so awful?
I'm just really overwhelmed right now with all the information I've taken in and all the new things I've considered about myself today. What scares me the most is the information I've read that said BDP as a whole can't be cured; the symptoms can be treated, but it's always there. I've always had such intense feelings of hopelessness; that nothing can change the way I am. That this is simple WHO I am. I'm meant to be insane and crazy and unhappy my whole life and I'll just have to work around it and get used to being alone. Now that I've found a possible answer, that fear has somewhat lessened, but the prognosis for treatment of BDP just scares the hell out of me.
I just kind of needed to get my feelings out before I have to go to class. I'm so tired and overwhelmed that I know I'll have a hard time concentrating, but at least I feel a little better now that I've written it all down.
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