This is a complex question, but here goes nothing. I apologize the length of this, but I want to give some context. I am a woman who was in a relationship with a woman with BPD who claimed that she was a lesbian. She did the whole pedestal thing to me, and looking back, it was almost like she assumed all of my interests and likes in order to get me. While she was busy learning all about me, my interests, and showing up to more and more things that I went to (until she was at almost 4 things that I attended per week), she was engaged! She broke off her engagement rather heartlessly, causing her partner to have to give away their 2 dogs, sell their house etc. I thought at this point that we were just friends, and I remember wondering about her 180 towards her fiance and asking her about it. She (I now realize) made up reasons to justify her actions, saying that her partner was too controlling with money. Years later I came to realize she is over 100, 000 in debt, has major credit card debt and spending issues, and was spending over 500$ per month on alcohol (she's also an alcoholic, I later learned). So, I think... of COURSE her partner was controlling with money, she was living with her and was probably freaked out about all of that.
Anyhow, fast forward to the me that didn't know all of this in retrospect yet.. the me that was her friend and believing everything that she said after her break up. At this point she also "appeared" to have everything in common with me because she'd adopted all of my interests. Combine this with low self esteem at the time, and I ended up in a realtionship with her. At first, she seemed great- like a soul mate. However, she had adopted all of my interests, and soon became resentful towards me for doing those same interests. This was very confusing as I didnt realize (yet) that she had adopted them to "get me". She was also very jealous if I went out with friends. One day at about 6 pm. I went for tea with about 5 friends for the birthday of a friend. My partner (Kathy) wasnt home from work yet, so I just went to meet my friends. She called me when she got home asking where I was and I explained. Her response was that she was going to go out dancing by herself. So, she did... and she cheated on me at a dance club (making out) with a guy. This pattern seemed to repeat itself- if I wasnt paying her enough attention, she would go get it elsewhere. I feel like I was trained like a dog... over time I lost all my self esteem. I eventually stood up to her and told her that she had to stop or I was leaving. then she blamed all those incidents on getting drunk and said she was having a hard time stopping drinking. She said she would join AA, probably mostly to keep me. And so she actually did, and I felt hopeful. I too was convinced it was maybe just the drinking.
However, after she joined AA she became a totally different person. I think the threat of my leaving (which spurned her into joining AA) made her have the fear of abandonment thing... and she just got mean. It was like consta revenge. Not only that, she lied a lot before, but she started lying even more. She met with her AA group and would tell me when she got home that they all felt I was abusive. When I asked her why, she would say because I didnt want her going out dancing alone anymore. When I asked her if she gave them the context of her going out dancing alone plenty in the past and cheating, she said no... and so she slowly started lying her way into victim status.
At some point, it was like she started believing her own lies.I dont really know why it happened because I didnt change anything, but she started acting like she HATED me. She still had mood swings and banged her head when stressed, but she started just really flipping reality on its head, emotionally and verbally abusing me, etc. Meanwhile, I had put so much into this relationship... had joined al anon, gone to therapy with her, etc, I didnt want to walk away. I didnt understand what was going on, and part of me felt like it was an abandonment fear she was having and reacting to and so I didnt want to abandon her.
Anyhow, she ended up telling me, in one of her cruel fits, that she had a crush on a male friend. Part of me still feels this was a lie just due to the look she got in her eye... like as if she was saying "take THAT", or "SEE! HA". It was a cruel look that seemed to delight in the pain she was inflicting. At this point in time, my parents were due to visit me, and were going to stay at my place. We did not yet live together, but she stayed at my place a lot. I asked her to please take home some of her work stuff (she came over to work at my place sometimes and had binders, staplers etc there) so she could work at home while my parents were visiting. I also asked her to please use this time to figure out what she wanted because I could not take having my heart broken over and over. I didnt hear from her for 4 days. She told me that my email asking her to pick up her binders and figure out what she wanted made her git herself and have a break down. This makes no sense to me, as I was reacting to her "crush news" on the back of many affairs. She then said she didnt have a car and so couldnt come get her things. I eventually offered to drive them to her place, but got no response. I packed her things into 2 tupperwares and emailed again saying I could bring them by after her AA meeting. At this point my parents were arriving the next day, and so I just brought them by despite a lack of a response. She was clearly home, and her light was on, but she wouldnt answer her door. So, I left them at her door and texted her than Id brought them over. After I left to go to my car, I came back and saw she'd brough them in, so I went home.
About 4 days later, she broke up with me. Her reason was the weird part... she said that she was breaking up with me because of the way I had handled it. She made everything my fauilt. She said I came over and threw all her things all over her lawn to get stolen. That was completely not true, and I couldnt believe she was lying to my face about something I was present for. I have no doubt this is what she told her AA friends. And so, I tolerated all this crap for 3 years, and then got dumped for bringing her 2 tupperwares of neatly packed office supplies because she didnt have a car and had a crush she needed to apparently sort out.
Anyone who has made it to the end, thank you. Can someone please explain this ending to me? I still dont get it. Did she really have a crush and was just trying to find an excuse to make leaving not her fault? Could she really believe this distorted reality? Not only did she leave, she proceeded to show up to all of my band concerts (I was in a band) to socialize with my friends like she was doing excellently. I am confused, and forever scarred.
Do not try to make sense out of it. It's not possible. Just be glad you are better able to recognize the signs now. You should also look within yourself to see why it is that you stuck with this person for so long. I am currently looking for help dealing with being stuck with my BPD because I love HER children so much. I got involved with her when they were very young and they think I am their father. I have learned that I am codependent and an easy target for women like this. I don't want to portray myself as a victim because I am nowhere near perfect either. My advice to you is to cut off ALL contact with her. She is out of your life. So make it stay that way! It does not matter that she will demonize you to all of her future partners or her AA buddies. Just be glad you will not have to deal with her anymore. Look deep within yourself and fix whatever it is that caused you to bond to this woman. Then make sure it doesn't happen again. Forget about closure, you will not get it.
Thanks for your note. You are right, I will probably never get closure. I have moved on and am actually in a wonderful relationship now, but I am still bothered by the fact that my BPD ex still attends all concerts of the band I have now quit... the same band she used to LOATHE going to, or me playing in, while with me. I know her well, and feel it is to get to me, like she still needs some outlet for her rageI find it interesting that even after so long apart (I have avoided her for 1.5 years) I still remember events that I couldnt process much at the time due to the intensity of her emotions AT me, and I just think... whaaaat? For instance I just saw that a band was coming to town that we both liked back when we were together. At the time, I thought I would do a nice thing and I bought her a ticket as a suprise gift (she liked them a LOT). She got angry at me, saying she can't possibly know if she sould be too tired on this particular day or want to go, and didn't want to commit. So, I hung onto the spare ticket, and she was still non-commital the day of and sounding like she was not interested in going. So, I went by myself, having wasted a lot of money on her ticket. I sat at a table by myself feeling sad and angry at myself for buying her a ticket, like somehow I had believed her messaging that this made me a bad person. Anyhow, half way through the concert she posts a picture to facebook of the stage... she was AT the concert. When we both got home and I asked her why she didnt use my ticket, she just said she didnt want to. She said she saw me... I asked why she didnt say hi, and she said she just wanted to dance and didnt want to..... it's those things from a person I was supposidly in a realtionship with that STILL confuse me so much. I know that making sense of them is of no use, but part of my brain still wants to understand... wants some kind of knowledge of her weird logic that makes such behaviour make sense. Maybe it is as simple as abandonment rage at my threatening to leave her after her alcoholic cheating phase, and her wanting to hurt me over and over again. I guess I was hoping that someone with BPD would say that they did similar things in the past and this is why....but I need to stop the still occassional rumination I have about all of these past mysteries. They really are mysteries... behaviours that just do not make sense to me no matter how I look at them.
As for your situation, I feel for you. I am also probably a bit codependent, as I can only deduce from my inability to leave when I should of. When someone is stripping you of your pride and dignity and you stay hoping that things will go back to that original glorious first 3 months, codependency is all that can really be concluded I guess. All I can say to you though, is that I think I would have been better off had I taken steps for myself to leave her before it got so bad that I was left by her. Eventually, if you get split black, they will leave- particularly when they find someone else who is split white. It feels terrible to put up with abuse for 3 years, but nothing feels worse than putting up with it and then being left based on a lie that they tell to make it your fault, when they have probably just successfully lined up their next vistim. It makes it all feel like a huge waste of time, and you will wish that you summoned up the courage to leave rather than being kicked while you were down. I know kids complicate the issue... I cannot even imagine how much.... and particularly if they are not yours, but you are attached. I imagine the costs of leaving, particularly if your BPD partner is vindictive, is to be cut off from the kids. I wonder if there is legal councel you can seek to find out your rights, and some counceling you could do to help address your codependency to set yourself up for leaving. Of course, you haven't said that your relationship is bad, and that is an assumption I am making. However, these things are rarely GOOD, and by the time you're seeing online support groups I know things are usually quite desperate at times. Good luck to you. I know it is easier said than done regarding leaving, as I, despite having all of the reasons right in front of my face as to why I should, was unable. I was thought I could show her unconditional love and make her snap out of it. Stupid saviour complex I guess. I was totally wrong, and I should have been showing myself unconditional love and leaving.
The good news is that I am now with someone who is super emotionally balanced and great. It is like night and day, and I had forgotten how absolutely refreshing and safe a healthy relationship feels. Never Again!
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