BPD Relationship

Hello about two years ago I began dating a girl whom I came to love VERY much. She was very fit, funny, charming and put on the appearance of Martha Stewart as far as domestic skills go.
We instantly hit it off. She told me how nice it was to connect with someone who "gets her". I felt the same way.
The first few times visiting her home it was very orderly and well put together. Within the first few weeks she seemed a bit quirky, childish at times in her demeanor almost like dealing with a sad child. Other times she was angry as if she was having a bad day. Sometimes this would express itself as intense anger at work or other people though never directed at me.
Several ocassions I had to come to the rescue for her, such things as her having intense heartburn in the middle of the night required me to bring her medicine or her computer breaking or her getting lost. These things seemed trivial to me at the time. I enjoy helping people and to help someone I loved and cared for was even better. I also began to notice how chaotic her home was becoming, clothes tossed about, could never find keys, doors always unlocked, you were lucky not to trip on a laptop when locking in the front door!
After getting to know her I learned a few things. She had recently stopped taking anti-depressents. She had attempted suicide a year and a half earlier when a former lover left her and she was bulimic. Once again these things somewhat concerned me but she was seeing a therapist and I loved her either way.
A few months into our relationship a long term work contract she had was ending and we spent a great deal of time together, in fact every night after she lost her job. She would job hunt at my house and I would work from home.
About 6 months into the relationship her constant mood swings and unfounded anger caused me to take pause and I asked her about it. Our sex life had somewhat diminished and I was have mixed feelings about where this was headed. We took a break at this point. About a week into the break she contacted me frantically in the middle of the night stating that someone had stolen her car. I rushed to her house to wait for the police with her since she lives very close. This event caused us to begin spending a great deal of time together which brought us back into a relationship. Things were fine and felt good.
About a month into this time the sexual aversion started. We went 3.5 months without sexual contact. She spoke with her physician (she had quit seeing her psychologist when her insurance stopped coverage) who took her off of birth control. This did not help. He put her on welbutrin about a month before we broke up before good, after this we had sex a few times.
After we broke up which was mutual we contacted each other on occasion. I told her that I missed her she would come back and say that we should be just friends. She was very insistant that we remain friends. I would cut contact then she would contact me after several days. This began to confuse me and my attempts to express my feelings of how bad I missed her became more frequent. Finally I decided to give up and I ended up in therapy myself ! Our last conversation before I gave up consisted of her telling me she was not attracted to me, our relationship was a lie, she is seeing someone now who makes her feel special etc. I had not experienced this much anger directed to me by her previously. I had it at this point. I stopped talking to her and felt great after about 4 weeks of mixed sadness and longing.
Then it happened, she contacts me again. A text in the middle of the night, I ask her why she said she was very lonely. Slowly but surely we worked our way up to going to lunch, her original request was drinks but I set the boundary at lunch. Of course we ate lunch and then ooops, she had no money, rescue me again. I felt strong this first time and didnt let my feelings get in the way and kept it very friendly.
Two days later it was lets get ice cream followed by going to her house and chatting for a long time about our lives over the last month or so. I kept it very friendly to this point as well. She was very interested in my love life.
The following week I was to help her with some household items. When i arrived at her house she was in a towel fresh out of the shower asking me to apply lotion on her. I did so and kept it friendly without making any sexual advances.
At this point we were constantly texting each other throughout the day. When we were together she was constantly texting her "friends". 2 weeks later she spent the night at my house. I did make a small advance at her at this point and held her in her sleep. The next morning my feelings in a whirlwind I asked her where we were going with this. She said we were friends and this was a bad time to talk about this. I told her I couldn't handle being friends and that we shouldn't be doing this as friends. 4 days pass she is texting me again, I respond nicely and resumed no contact. Several days later she texts me frantically with something she had broken at her house, i told her that I could not come right away it would have to be tomorrow she said it would have to wait til later in the week then since she was "busy". The next morning her schedule had magically changes at I was at her house fixing something she had broken (surprise). I told her at this point how foolish I felt doing this stuff when she obviously was stringing me along, once again she was texting someone. I asked her if it was the person whom she was seeing, she said yes. I asked if he knew I was there and she said that she "didnt need to divulge that information to him". That was it, I reluctantly finished what I was doing and left.
Since then we have had no contact.
Does this sound like someone whom may have issues with BPD, she is from a broken home. Her father has been through a string of marriages while she lived between her parents homes.
I worry its just a matter of time before she is contacting me again. Its hard for me because I love her and would do anything for her, I feel like I am under some kind of mind control.
Sorry for the novel, at this point I dont want to continue to drive myself crazy and I dont want to be a complete a**h*** to someone whom may or may not genuinely need my assistance.
Thanks

[Jaquta]

The answer to that question is a big fat emphatic YES.  In my opinion it is quite possible, even likely, that this person has bpd.

You may be interested in looking up the dsm-iv for bpd.

In my opinion, she meets enough of the criteria to be diagnosed with bpd.
More than anything I think that she needs to be assessed by a psychiatrist and then be in formal therapy.  Maybe she already has but hasn't disclosed a diagnosis?  She still needs therapy though.

I'm not sure why her behavior would deteriorate after meeting you.  Possibly subconsciously, or consciously, you remind her of someone from her past.  Possibly this will be due to a deeper emotional issue for her.

There is a term used a lot around people with bpd and that is active-passivity.  Basically it means that people with bpd will actively seek out people to fix their problems for them.

A persons external world (house, etc) is said to reflect their internal world.  Clutter, chaos, etc points to a person with a disorganized internal world.  The disorganization is said to be due to a deficit in self-regulation.

There is heaps to comment on this.

Mind control as in love or as in her projecting all her stuff?  ??

[confusednewby]

Hi Jaquta, thanks for the follow up.
What I mean by mind control is that when this person comes calling there is nothing in my power I can do to say no. The feelings i had for her while in the relationship were so strong that despite the way she has made me feel the past few months over and over I still feel a strong need to protect and care for her.
I want the cycle to stop, I need to move on with my life. I have rearranged a good deal of my life to keep from running into her. If I do see her she comes up and puts on the charm like nothing is wrong.
The first time I read about BPD I said to myself WOW, this sounds familiar!! So many things sound similar to descriptions I read while others seem a little different, I suppose it is always a bit different from person to person.
I wonder to myself now if she was faithful to me during my relationship with her, I had no reason to suspect during the relationship but it seems to be infidelity seems to be a pretty common theme with this disorder.
Is there really anything I could have done to keep us together ?
Any way I should react if attempts to contact me again ?
Thanks again

[Joey381972]

        I know your story very well, as I have lived it for almost 17 years with my wife. We too started out passionate about each other, as BPD's usually start out that way. From what I have seen they then start to Idealize the person they are with and if you make any mistakes, or wreck their perfect perception of you then you are in for it. Then they start to project THEIR feelings onto you. I knew for years there was something wrong with my wife, and like you said, the mood swing's, lack of sex etc started. She was first diagnosed with depression, and it took years of different doctor's for them to see she was borderline, as she would act a different way in therapy(and i was there sometimes to witness, I would be like"This isn't how she acts in private"). We have 4 kids now, and if I had of known then what I know now, things would have been different. I do love my wife, and do not regret my kids for a minute, but, I have been to HELL and back, and I am a christian man. It has been a constant rollercoaster of an adult life, as I am 37 now, and we have been together since I was 20. She has lied to me, cheated on me and stolen, she has played mind games, day in and day out. Like i said I love my wife, and have tried to keep my family grounded, but this stuff grade's on you after years of it. i am only telling you this to save you years of heartache. If you had said you guys are together, i would say, go to DBT, or counselling or something, to help repair the emotional damage. I am somewhat an expert on being a Non-BPD, and I still never know what the next day is going to be like. I am sure, I will get some flack from some of the BPD's on here, as it seems like we can save everyone, but, if you are not involved in it now, believe me you do not know what your life will be like in the long term. If she contacts you again, DO NOT pick up the phone, because if you talk to her, she will manipulate her way back into your life, until she realizes she has a problem. Obviously, you can do what you want, but, my advice to you is, if you are not want this for many years to come, then I would not re-kindle the relationship. I hope this helps, as i see where you are going, and would like to help someone else from getting into this without knowing the future they have chosen. And by the way, you had no control over keeping you and this woman together, so, do not blame yourself. I hope this helps you.

[confusednewby]

Thanks for the input everyone.
Its been a pretty tough last few months. I have had many relationships throughout college and after but this was truly the first person whom I felt I wanted to spend my life with but after seeing how wreckless she can be with my feelings I know its not for the best. I guess this is the nature of the disorder as they mold themselves into the perfect mate. I suppose this has been a pattern with all of her relationships and will continue to be. I know she has had several since we have been broken up already, I am pretty sure the times she calls me is when someone else stops giving her the attention that she craves. She dangles herself like a prize in front of me and then pulls away once I make any mention of my feelings for her.
I wish everyone luck, emotions are a tough thing to battle with !!

[Jaquta]

I found your last comment interesting because emotions are something people with bpd deal with constantly.  I was once trying to figure out how I would describe my sense of loss to my doctor.  The emotion was so intense the best I could come up with was it would be a bit like losing your job, your security, all your friends and family, etc.
Emotions are extremely tough to deal with.  

The disorder is always different for each person and with the disorder there are usually others.  That's a lot of different ways for a person to potentially present.

I think intimacy goes one of two ways.  A person can be promiscuous or avoidant.  I am avoidant.  I hate people touching me and I hate people in my personal space.
People who are promiscuous are said to have a better prognosis.
There is middle ground but I expect this would represent slightly healthier individuals.
I think it is possible for people with bpd to be loyal.  I'm surprised by the number of spouses, etc who say otherwise.

You could ask her if she was faithful to you but I suspect now it would be unlikely that you would get an honest answer.

I think you need to decide on where you want the relationship to go.  Whether you want to persevere with it (but in a healthier way) or to just dismiss it.

Reacting perhaps isn't the best solution.  Reacting is something that comes from an emotional state.  Sorry!  I guess reacting for a non is different to that of a bpd.

I think how you choose to respond will be determined by what you want to do about the relationship.

I guess for people with bpd the world seems like an overwhelming and often negative place.  Often it can feel like the person against the world.
I know I have looked to others (and still do) to help rescue me.  I think maybe if we had more confidence in ourselves and our abilities that this would be different.
I guess I am aware that I sometimes do this.  I guess I also found out the hard way.
I once took excess medication and likely would have died had there been no intervention.  It can be quite difficult to grasp that had any particular step not have happened that the result would have been different.  It made me realize that people can't always rescue us or save us and that we need to take some responsibility for our safety and our lives (our health, etc).

I don't necessarily think that we mould ourselves.  I think that because we lack an identity or sense of self that we can become suggestible.  I think a persons energy can affect us too.  I feel better, more contained, for example when talking to my doctor who for the most part is positive and optimistic.  At home my family is in chaos and I feel fragmented and disorganized.

Maybe your feelings frighten her?
It is also common with people with bpd to have abandonment/ engulfment issues.  People are either to far or too close.  It's a very complicated disorder.

I would just challenge you to make a decision about what you want and what you want with the relationship.

[confusednewby]

Hi Jaquta, at this point after how terrible the interactions with her have made me feel I can only try my best to stay out of a relationship with her. It pains me to do it but I can't allow someone to continually make me feel that bad about myself. She has a new boyfriend now though she wont call him that but if its anything like our relationship was in the first month then its already pretty serious I am sure. It pains me for her to mention this new person she "connects" with. I think "connect" with her must be someone to replace me as her go to person for all of the things she is unable to do on her own. I refuse to continue to give to someone who only takes, it upsets me to think I let it go on like this after the breakup.
Do you think that I have been "split" by her somehow and I am somehow a bad person in her mind. Is that the reason for the sexual aversion over the last part of our relationship ? If I was all bad in her mind I cant imagine why we would even continue to spend time together etc. and have no intimacy at the end.
I could be misconstruing her actions but it feels like a lot of the time we spent together during our recent interactions was kind of like "here I am right in front of me but you cant have me" to drive me to the point of being hooked on her again. It seems like this whole thing would have kept building up and getting closer and closer to being back in a relationship right up until the point where I would have expressed any kind of love for her or desire to be intimate. It was crazy how it went from me not contacting her at all to her being in all manners of me business so quickly only to leave just as quickly.

[Jaquta]

It's an emotional connection more than anything.

At this point in time probably not.  She was trying to contact you, wasn't she?  I don't think she has split you off as a bad object.  Unless the contact was to abuse you.

I'm a bit confused with timing of events, etc.  The discontinuing of both medication and therapy could have had a significant influence.  Did something happen to upset her around that time?  My thought is that she was afraid that you were getting too close.  Sexual aversion could have been a defense mechanism for her to help her feel emotionally safe.

If you were all bad you would have known about it, trust me.

I think you are hurting and are needing to rationalize her behavior.  She is unwell.  I don't know if that gives it meaning or makes it any easier for you.  I expect she probably did have feelings for you.

I expect she wanted you but was afraid.  Or she wanted to punish you.  Things need to be put in context.  I'm having problems concentrating so are struggling to follow some events.  Behavior in a different context can have a different meaning.

I feel powerless to help you.  I think if it were me I would follow my heart.  But then life with her seems like a train wreck about to happen.
For me personally I don't think any person with bpd should enter into a relationship before they have addressed some of their own issues.  Until a person goes through therapy I don't think they know themselves what they want.

I suspect that this person may not value herself very much.  And may not treat herself with the respect she deserves.

I think you're still sitting on the fence.  It doesn't really sound as though you've made a decision either way.  Did you discuss any of this with your therapist?  What did they say/ advise?

[piker]

I'm grateful to everyone who has taken the time to post their tragic stories on here.  The information is such an immense relief for someone like me - who literally knew nothing.
I was married for 25 years then widowed, then...  met 2 BPD's in a row.
I am a placid, happy, creative guy who likes to mind my own business and I never knew what havoc a BPD might cause (I, frankly, didn't know they existed).
Several years later, emotionally and financially bankrupt I have learned a lot.  The only advice I would ever offer, is as others have - no contact!
When the break-up takes place, exit with no backward glance.
Get out and stay going.
If you love the sex (and sharing it with heaven knows who else, doesn't bother you?) go for it - otherwise - keep going.
The lies are endless, in my experience.
And there is a joy in lying too - not simply a convenience.

[Poohgyrr]

BPD is a serious thing, and if family is diagnosed, the Federal privacy laws seem to prevent the Drs  from telling you.  My advice would have to be to end the relationship if possible and find a good BPD counselor if not.  You will need the counselor; people with BPD do not behave normally and the damage they can do to your life should not be underestimated.

[neverlovedme]

Omg...yer story is exactly what i am going thru at this very moment.  i am so curious how yer story has changed after over a year later.  my friends think i am literally crazy.  they saw thru him right away.  but he is the love of my life.

[neverlovedme]

Omg...yer story is exactly what i am going thru at this very moment.  i am so curious how yer story has changed after over a year later.  my friends think i am literally crazy.  they saw thru him right away.  but he is the love of my life.