BPD partner left me, need some insight...

Could anyone please give me some insight on the following?

My BPD partner left me (for the first time) a couple of weeks ago, after a 1 year relationship and is sending out very mixed signals ever since. Yet he claims he wants to be alone and that we are definitely through. At the same time he offers me to accompany me to the cinema or to meet (but leaving the initiative to do so with me...)
And he's taking every opporunity offered to see me - but he's not contacting me directly.

Although I'm familiar with this mixed signal thing, it now leaves me very confused. The last conversation we had he was very uptight, like he was convincing himself that leaving me was best for hím.

I've read on another topic that people with BPD tend to come back after breaking up. But I've got some questions about this.

Right now I just don't know what to do for the best.. leaving him alone like he asked me to or to stay in touch to let him know I still care? (and doesn't that cause backfire?)

On this other topic someone said to leave them alone for a while, but not for too long. What's not too long?
(It's been about 6 days since we last talked and saw each other and we've kind of agreed to go to cinema next week - so he knows he'll see me then).

Any answers are welcome...

Laudy

PS: English is not my native language, so sorry for the mistakes!

[iam1butterfly]

I was in a 1 year relationship with a man with BPD and, as in your situation... he also chose to end our relationship. I recommend that you give him the space and distance that he says he needs. And, that would include texting, e-mailing and phone calls/ voice messages. I made several attempts to contact my ex after our break-up... but received no response. So, just be aware that such attempts could be ignored... even though I could rationalize the dynamics of the break-up, the non-responses did hurt my feelings. So, if you can handle, what felt to me as, rejection... then go with your gut feeling and contact him... but, without any expectations. Otherwise, let things stand as they are. Maybe, in time... he'll contact you; but, it's highly likely that he won't. And, if you see each other in public, give him a friendly acknowledgment... say "hi." But, if he doesn't want to talk; don't insist.

[Laudy_]

Butterfly, thanks for your answer.
How are things right now, haven't you heard from him at all since the break up?
(and did he give you a clear reason for leaving you other than 'we're not compatible'?)

[Laudy_]

I didn't see it coming, at all. Within the relationship he did the same things, sort of. But then he always came around, sooner or later. He never ended it as such.

So right now I'm having a hard time dealing with his ambivalent behaviour. He says one thing, but does another...
I contacted him by email two weeks after he broke up with me and got a not so nice reply by return, telling me that he didn't feel the need to see me, but... if I really wanted to get together, that's okay. He even suggested to meet the same day...
He also invited me to a certain event at the end of this month, while his family will be there as well.

In the meantime he claims that it's really over between us, but also says he still cares for me.
I guess the saying 'action speaks louder than words' isn't applicable to someone with BPD, or is it...

As this situation is new to me, I'm just hoping someone can clarify this way of behaving so I can either still be there for him, or.. move on.

[iam1butterfly]

Well Laudy... it's a long story about my ex. But no, I've never heard from him since the break-up, which he chose to do by e-mail. The poor guy... he couldn't even face me to tell me. Yes... I say "poor guy" because I still feel sorry for him and his struggles.
As for reasons, his only explanation was that "our journeys are on separate paths."
In our case, there were signs of change between us; so, I wasn't blindsided by the break-up... only disappointed in the it transpired. I could see that he was growing impatient, distant and very discontent with his life in general. And, I felt (and I'm sure that I projected) a sort of wariness and overall disenchantment with his negative attitude and caustic behavior. I would have been willing to remain, at the very least, friends with him as he was always in need for someone to talk to. But, I noticed early in our relationship that the way he copes with inner turmoil is to shutdown and withdraw.

[chuck77007]

The primary underlying issue with BPD is fear of abandonment.  It is the "I hate you, don't leave me" push - pull - often called "the dance of the borderline".  I had a borderline partner for 7 years.  He works for American Airlines as a flight attendant.  Over the course of 7 years, we "split up" no less than 25 times.  Each time, he would get in the car (the accord I bought for him), drive to the airport, get on a flight and disappear -sometimes for days, a few times for months.  He would not return phone calls or emails for a long period of time.  Then one day, he would start writing or calling - then show up again.  I took him back over and over.  I had some success in getting him to go to therapy twice - only for about 4 visits each time - the last time, with a BPD expert of 17 years.  She confirmed the diagnosis.  He had the typical BPD raging, excessive spending (he filed bankruptcy), denial, no personal responsibility for anything.  He was paranoid and had delusions.  He lived in a different reality.  He left for good this past March.  I did not go after him this time.

So you ask why?  You will never know why.  My partner introduced me to a friend of his as his "life partner" and left me the following week.  Nothing happened in between.  At a certain point in the relationship, the borderline can no longer exist with someone who is "on" to them.  They are barely capable of caring for themselves, let alone another person.  That is why you feel your needs are never met.  The borderline is the bottomless pit of neediness.  You think to yourself - "If I only loved more, if I only scrambled the eggs instead of sunny side up, if I only watch more of his favorite TV show with him, if I.... (fill in the blank).  It never ends.  On the other side, my partner was fun, exciting, a "perfect match". When things were good - it was like a honeymoon every day - for 7 years! - but the reality is relationships cannot exist on the extremes - you experience the great times, then wait for them to show up again - in the meantime, loosing yourself to the crazymaking of the borderline.  At the end of 7 years, he left.  He put everything he owned into 3 suitcases and drove away.  All of his other posessions, he just left them in his apartment or on the street.  He just walked away from everything.  He moved into a furnished apartment in Miami with his 3 suitcases, the car I purchased for him and nothing else.  He was 41.   We had the same birthday - we had so much in life in common.  I remained angry with him for so long for not "doing anything" about his borderline.  I realize, expecting him to do something about this was like asking someone with a broken leg in a cast to run a marathon.  He was just not capable.  At the end, he said the same to me as someone else noted above, "I am on a new and wonderful path.  I am exercising, meditating and eating organic food.  I am taking care of my body." - it is all someone with BPD can do is take care of themselves - let alone someone else.  Our breakup was precipitated by him getting angry with me over having to pick me up at the airport.  He said he didn't want to be responsible for me.  I should find my own way from the Miami airport to the apartment.  It was a burden to him to drive the 10 minutes to the airport to get me.  He told me over the phone to never come back.  

I was blindsided by all of this.  There wasn't a hint of anything.  It was like a light switch flicked off.  I knew he was in the throws of a borderline episode when this started.  I stayed away from him.  Called on the phone only.  Then one day, he started arguing about events from 2-6 years in the past.  There was nothing current to argue about so he relived old arguements with the same rage as he experienced the first time.  He became angrier and angrier. Everything was my fault.  No personal responsibility.  Then - silence.  Silence ever since.

So you ask yourself what to do after only 1 year.  The answer is easy for me to give to you.  Walk away.  I wasted 7 years.  So many times I had the chance to make the split - about 25 of them.  I thought I was going to be different - that our relationship was going to be different.  Unless the borderline is in long term extensive therapy with a qualified borderline therapist - DBT spcialist - and even then - the chances are slim - you need to walk away - Statistically - marriages with one partner borderline - 99% end in divorce.  It is very hard to do. I couldn't do it - he did it for me.  But at the end, I did not try and get back with him.  I knew it was a mistake.  It is still hard today.  He was the love of my life.  He was my best friend.  I lost not only him, but his family as well.  They were brazilian and spoke little english, but when we visited them it was always wonderful.  His mother loved me like a son.  We had a home in Italy.  He just walked away.   You should walk away before you invest too much time and money into this. It will NEVER work.  A borderline not in therapy should be left alone.

[veryconfused429]

If its any consolation, I've also recently gone through a break up with someone I'm pretty sure has BPD.  We had a 6 month relationship which was idyllic, he seemed a very loving attentive boyfriend, however it was a long distance relationship and he was very insecure and got uptight if he couldn't contact me straight away, even late at night.  The saw him I experienced the rage and mood swings for the first time and he would blow up at me for very inconsequential things (although I realise now to him they probably were a big deal).  He started to withdraw from me when I came home while still telling me how much he loved me.  He eventually finished it and shifted the blame on to me telling me I had 'trust issues' which I hadn't dealt with.  I received quite a few nasty texts when he ended it telling me that I needed help and a few extremely nasty emails.  Although it was him who instigated the split he has emailed me since, firstly to tell me he hadn't given up on us and that I was in a 'bad place' and he couldn't love or let me into his life while I was in that place and he also seems to have split me into 2 people, the one in the bad place and the one he met 6 months before.   I didn't hear from him for a further 3 weeks and received a very short email last weekend.  He hasn't replied back to me and I've just resolved to leave him to it. If its meant to be he'll come back but I must admit now I have had a bit of time I'm wondering if I really want to deal with someone who is in such constant emotional turmoil even though I still love him.  I know its hard when you are hurting but when they shut down emotionally I don't know what you can do to get them back other than give them space to work it out for themselves.

[supermedic]

The fear of abandonment is definately my biggest issues. SOmetimes those with BPD will "leave" a relationship with the mentality of "I'm leaving so you can't hurt me " type of thing, kind of the fight or flight response!

I have dealt with BPD my whole life, and it has enormously destroyed my life it seems, but I am now in therapy on a regular basis, and working through some of these issues.