I am new to these forums and I am very confused about a relationship that I was in with a BPD that has just ended. What's confusing to me is that in all the literature and all the posts I have read the BPD has this "I hate you, don't leave me trait" but in my relationship, the BPD has left ME many times (for another woman) Has anyone else had this experience? Below is my story. I'm sorry it's rather long
I was in a relationship with a BPD for almost two years. He started cheating on me a little over a year into the relationship. Basically what he had been doing towards the end was “alternating” between me and this other women (she knew about me). Sometimes it would just be for a few days, then a few weeks, then he would spend a month with me, a month with her, etc. Each time he dumped me for her I would eventually contact him because not only was I hurt but I was dumbfounded. When he was with me, he would tell me he loved me with all his heart and soul, he couldn’t bear to be without me, he never loved her, wasn’t even attracted to her, he only went with her because “he felt he couldn’t have me” and was trying to bury his feelings for me etc. etc. Things would be all right for a while And then poof! Out of nowhere, he would go beserk and say that he hated me and didn’t want to be with me ever again – and in the meantime, I would usually find out, by the time he exploded, he had already hooked up with the other woman before he broke up with me. Now I am finding out, through Facebook that he is declaring his “undying love” for her, even though he told me he couldn’t even bring himself to say “I love you” to her because he didn’t mean it. We were planning to move in together and eventually marry since very early in the relationship (he came on like gangbusters). By the way, I was recently separated when I met him and now I am divorced and my marriage was NOTHING like this!!
In all the other posts I read and in all the BPD literature, they describe the BPD as having the “I hate you, don’t leave me” trait. And they are the ones who beg the Non BPD not to leave. So what I don’t understand is “him leaving me” – although when he does leave me, he is never alone – he is with the other woman.
He does not admit he has BPD and therefore will not seek help – instead he blames me for all the horrible things he does to me – even the cheating - he says that he does it to me because I deserve it and I make him crazy. The reason I believe he has BPD (Besides all the behavior I’ve listed) is because I brought him to my therapist for a 2 hour session, and after meeting with him for two hours, and through all I have told her about our relationship over the last 2 years, she says she is sure he has BPD. She has 40 years experience and is well respected in the mental health field, and she says there is no doubt in her mind that he has severe BPD. When I read books about BPD and I read these posts, I can relate to everything I read. And his behavior is exactly like what everyone else is describing - with one difference – he’s the one that kept leaving!! Although whenever he left me, he was never alone. So this time, it has been a little over a month, and I am not contacting him, asking him to explain his behavior. Because all the literature says to cut off all contact with the BPD. But what I don’t understand is how if he has BPD – he left me, when with all the literature and all the posts it seems like it would be the other way around! I still want him back, believe it or not, because I want the man back that I first met – the one who put me on a pedestal. But at this point because I am the hurt and desperate one – I feel like I am the one that’s crazy!! Has anyone else ever had this experience – where the BPD left them for someone else?
Dear friend, I understand exactly what you have said. I was left by a borderline partner. We have met one day and the following day I received lots of msg and phone calls, with musics extracts, poems...he seemed to be in love with me and wanted that I showed him I was in love with him. He have presented me some of his friends, have given me gifts...said was afraid of being in love and be abandoned. A classic BPD. However, after 10 days, he finished our relationship by phone and blamed for the end. He was so cruel, sarcastic...I suffered until I get the conclusion he had BPD. What happens is that some of the borderline idealize the person they are with, fall in love very quickly, but devalue the person very quickly...and now the person is in love with him, but represents nothing to them. It is really cruel...and the worst thing is that they can forget you very quickly, while you will be thinking about him/her, asking yourself what he is doing...for a long time.
Why use the term BPD partner, they are a person, BPD isn't them its their illness, maybe this is why the relationships didn't work, if my partner referred to me as his BPD partner i would be offended. Also men who don't have BPD have affairs and leave women, why do you blame the BPD for his behaviour espically as he hasn't even been diagnosed properly.
I have BPD and have been in a relationship for 13 yrs i have never been unfaithful, but in the past i have had relationships with men who aren't BPD and they have been unfaithful and cruel to me, its unfair to label everyone the same.
Pushing you away is a way for him to cope. It is a primitive defense mechanism called splitting. It allows him to separate the good and the bad. I expect there is some aspect in you that he perceives as negative or invalidating.
There is also a thing called engulfment. If people get too close it can leave them feeling threatened. Abandonment/ engulfment can mean that people are experienced as being either too far or too close.
Wanting him back is wanting his pathology back. The idealizing is usually considered an unhealthy part of the disorder.
People with bpd leave all the time, or fight the urge to leave. Leaving one relationship for another I expect is fairly common.
It doesn't sound to me like he has BPD, I have had it since I was 13, and have been in a relationship for 8 years, married for 3 1/2 of it...his behavior doesn't sound BPD to me, and a therapist who can diagnose him with it after only 1 2 hour session doesn't sound like an intelligent therapist, besides years of seeing psychiatrists, and taking a specialized 4 hour computerized test, it took a few years to get the correct diagnoses with me. No offense but he just sounds like the typical cheating ***, ive been with one, and he was the same way, he didn't have BPD. Not to mention ineedhelp is right it is offensive to refer to use as being our disorder, my husband would never hear the end of it, and be living in the car if he did that.
The person I said that hed BPD and left me made me feel very happy for 10 days...then has broken up by telephone, and kiding with the situation. He was very sarcastic. He was another person. After broking up, he has contacted by phone for a period of 1 week. He said to be very worried about me, that was sad because had hurt me...and although I said I was good, he said I could not be good, I was suffering and didn´t want to express my feelings. It seemed like if he wanted me to admit I was suffering. And although worried about me, in each phone call lots of sarcasm, which hurted me more and more. I think he wanted drive me crazy...I didn´t know what to think about him. When I get to the conclusion he had BPD, everything was explained...It is very difficult to forget a person with BPD. They are very seductive, know how to attract you, make you feel a special person...until they change and make you feel the most insignificant person...
ok but you came to the conclusion he had BPD you can't do that, alot of people have personality types that are similar to BPD that doesn't mean he had it. I would never hurt my partner, what i'm meaning is that maybe thats the way he is, its nothing to do with BPD.
People with BPD don't just set out to hurt people on purpose, they hurt because they are feeling hurt, they hurt in defense, hurt to protect themselves, not just on purpose. I don't think he had bpd maybe he was just a bad person. Its better to stay away from him whether you think he had BPD or not.
I get to the conclusion he is a BPD because I am a doctor and he fullfills all the Diagnostic and Statistics Manual fourth edition. In fact, I get to this conclusion too late, about 2 weeks after he left me. I was so sad, trying to understand what have happened (someone who said was in love with me one day and in the other day break up with me by phone, puts the guilty on me and is extremely sarcastic) that I could not see all the clues he had given me about his personality. It may be that you are a functional BPD person, a treated one, which have learned with your mistakes. But the majority of BDP people is not like you and yes, they hurt their partners. They make their partner have no self-steem, make them believe they are guilty for everything wrong in their life...I am really sorry, but this is the truth. It is not easy to live with, left or be left by a BPD person.
If you had said you were a doctor, then maybe i would have understood you better. Ok i accept not everyone is like me, what i was meaning was that its unfair to label us all the same, as bad and cheating. People who aren't bpd are just as capable of cheating, that is what i meant.
I am sorry you have been hurt and i am sorry that it happened to be by someone with bpd, i really feel you are better of without them no matter how seductive they are or how good they make you feel, its just not worth it if you get hurt, if they aren't willing to change or treat you better then its not worth it.
It´s really strange when you are left by a BPD. In my case, it was a story of only 10 days, but it was so intense. I received lots of messages and phone calls every day. He said me beatiful things, makes me feel really really good. Then, by phone, he says he is sad, but he doesn´t want me anymore. He said he had great expectations that I could not correspond, that have never been in love with me. I was chocked. He have seduced me for 10 days, I was completely involved with him. He have made me believe I was an importante person in his life ("I am completely yours", "somebody likes you", "Even if one day you leave my life, you´ll be always in my history"). But suddenly, he was sure he had never liked me....I was so confused. For about 4 days he called me, saying he was worried about me, didn´t want hurt me, didn´t want to meet anyone else. At the same time, he told me about his ex, and how they were good, better than me. It left me more guilty and confused...I didn´t know what to think about him...he was another person, totally diferent...should I be guilty, angry...and about 2 weeks after, I get to the conclusion he had BPD (many facts in his history point to this). I still think about him. it is not easy forget what happened in those 10 days. It was very good. Sometime, I think I have lost something very valuable, when in fact I have never had it. I have no contact with him since 3 weeks ago. I know he doesn´t think about me anymore. People with BPD idealize one person and suddenly devalue them. The good moments I lived were just ilusion....
The person was very perceptive to know that you would be hurting.
I find some of your comments insulting. I don't think people with bpd set out to manipulate or seduce, etc. One would almost expect a doctor to be more understanding and more compassionate.
My thoughts are how could anyone be so naive not to expect significant behavioral disturbances when the behavior is so atypical. I think that you may have liked your ego being stroked so much you chose to overlook these. You said he mentioned his fears of intimacy and of being abandoned.
I think one difference between your boyfriend (or ex-boyfriend) and others with bpd is that they have been assessed and diagnosed. The majority of people with bpd I expect will be accessing some sort of support/ treatment.
I think YOU let him rob you of self-esteem, etc. My therapist use to say that it takes two to manipulate: one to manipulate and one to be manipulated by.
I think you need to take responsibility for yourself and your own decisions and stop blaming someone else.
If you know anything about bpd you should understand that people with bpd use primitive defense mechanisms, one of which is splitting.
People with bpd don't tend to forget very easily. In my experience they tend to over-think stuff and ruminate on it for a very long time. It is wrong to suggest that he never thinks about you anymore.
One again I please ask you don't refer to us as I disorder, you are being hurtful, and rude. If you can't differentiate between person, and disease, which is what it is, a horrid disease we have to live with ever day. You people will never understand, and are being just spiteful in the way you refer to us, and I for one can't read another post on this board I am so angry. This is for people to get help, and try to make us feel comfortable with who we are, yet I feel attack when I read this post...please knock it off...and I don't believe you are a doctor, reading over your prior posts, and then your defensive post where you claim to be a doctor has to many holes in it...doesn't feel good does it, so don't do it to us.
I am from a non-english speaking country. Soory my english is not so good. I am really a doctor and I wanted to have concluded my ex had BDP while with him. I liked him so much that I could not see it. Discover he had BPD would have made me suffer less when he broke up. He would not have let me so confused...
why in your last post where you now claim to not speak english, is your editing/writing of the language so terrible, yet in all other previous post its damn near perfect...you need to just get off this board...you are seriously fake.
I would like to say I am not fake. I am from Brazil, I have studied english for some years. My english is not so good. Be sure everything I told you has happened. The messages in this forum have helped me a lot, because I could see I was not the only to feel like I feel now after a relationship with a people with BDP. That my difficult in forget him is natural (it is really difficult to leave or be left by a person with BDP), that it is better for me not to contact him anymore and that people like me are vulnerable and need to take care of themselves. Thank you very much...
Please be mindful that this is a support forum for people with BPD, and while it's ok to ask questions about being in relationships with others who have BPD, it's not appropriate to insult them as a group, generalize as a group (as in one man with BPD cheated, therefore everyone who has BPD cheats - that's generalizing), etc.
Several people in this thread mentioned not turning them into a disorder. It might be a good idea to change the language. If you wouldn't say "I was in a relationship with an asthmatic", perhaps you might not want to say "I was in a relationship with a BPD." I hope that makes sense.
I think English IS a barrier for robert357. That is a perception I had from the start. I generally don't engage with people who I find it difficult to understand/ relate too as I find it extremely frustrating. That doesn't mean that they don't have the right to post.
Regarding exwentlooney's post I wasn't sad to see it removed. I too thought it was offensive. I didn't report it though as I believe people have a right to post. And maybe I thought that my posts may have been as bad. ??
I think most people have some difficult emotions regarding break-ups, etc.
I think whatever a person chooses is their decision (whether that is or is not too retain contact).
I think everybody has their own vulnerabilities. Perhaps as a doctor yours is to care too deeply (although personally I get the sense that yours is needing to feel in control by being the best, most loved, etc).
I think relationships can be an extremely sensitive subject for those with bpd. I find it damaging blaming the person for their pathology. They have this disorder through no fault of their own. I definitely don't think that it is something someone would willingly choose.
It's interesting to read that this is a support group for those with bpd as more often than not it seems to have become a place of support for people without bpd (who are struggling over emotional issues triggered by people with bpd). Is also interesting how we our expected to take ownership of our issues (and seek help) yet others seem less accountable and free to blame those with a real or perceived disorder.
Using "I" statements is generally always a good idea.
I am sorry you feel the way you do. I was not talking to you. I was supporting someone who had been mistreated and in my opinion they should be pissed off instead of suffering self pity. I can identify with how they feel as the same was done to me. I wallowed for a long time. The shock and deception was more then I could handle and it effected me with panic attacks, racing negative thoughts and such deep depression I wanted to die. I had never experienced that before and was so shaken by this I am suffering ptsd. Why? because I loved and cared for someone. I was stuck there and my anger finally showed up pulling me out of the lies of a borderline I never would have done anything for. Maybe its time for you to get pissed at who ever made you feel this way because I am sure that you didnt derserve it and that you are much more worthy of feeling good about yourself then most humans on the planet. Face it. You are awesome.
How was it offensive. The girl has been dumped again and again. Cheated on and totally abused. Her self esteem has been crushed along with her heart. Now in this state telling her to have compassion for someone who has no compassion for her is harmful to her. She has no choice but to walk away and that can be really difficult. Having compassion for the BPD will keep her trying and hoping he will change. In need of help is in need of a reality check. No one was talking to her. She's getting involved because she is seeking attention and acting like she should control the posts on this site. The origional post was for a non who had been dumped. Thats who was offended. Thats who my post was for. Now she cant get it because Mrs. ME was offended. Its not about Mrs. ME.
This thread has served it's purpose, and is evolving into personal disagreements. Therefore, we are closing the thread. As I stated before, if you have any questions or concerns, feel free to PM me or any of the other mods.
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It's always a good idea to be careful to avoid stereotyping anyone. Some who cheat on their partners are men, some are BPD. That means, of course, that some who cheat are women, and some aren't BPD. We are a support site, and such stereotypes don't help support that mission.
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NO MORE POSTS, PLEASE
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