BPD wanting divorce...how to keep away child

My husband has been very verbally abusive and at times...physically abusive and has done this in front of his children and now my child.  I was kicked out several months ago and have since been asked to come home alot...but when he does not get his way...he flips and threatens to kill himself.  Then he will turn back on the charm and do this again once he thinks he has won me back over.  I love him, I do...but it's not about me anymore...I cannot allow my child to be raised in this environment.  He got my two year so upset by talking to him on the phone is why I have not went back this time...he ask for over a week...what's wrong with daddy.  I do not allow him to talk to him on the phone unless it's on speaker and he can only see him supervised..by me usually.  Does he have any chance in getting my son alone...I can not stand the thought of it?

[Jaquta]

Do you mean, do we think he could get sole custody of your child?
Based on what you have said about him it sounds very unlikely.  No one can accurately predict what the outcome would be though.  
I personally would feel extremely concerned about having my child in his care.

What about his children?  Will you try and access support for them too?

Is your husband in therapy?  If not, he should be.

I think this is complicated.  I think you need professional advice.
I think your husband needs medical or psychological support.  I'm not sure who you would get involved.  Social services??

People on the depression community forum may be able to help you or the doctor on the mental health expert forum.  There are also relationship and abuse community forums but I am unsure what support is available through those.

[helpfor77]

No...he is not in therapy and refuses it...he doesn't need help...I do?  His father is also against therapy...he thinks he just has a temper like he does?   Not that I haven't tried the route of therapy myself...my therapist advised getting out before it got any worse...

As for his children...I can't force anything there either....their mothers know what all he is capable of...one is worse off than he is.  They don't care I believe...as long as they have a free weekend?

How do I send questions to the doctore on the mental health forums?  I am very new to this...

Thanks for responding!  I'm not able to talk to family...they don't believe he can be helped?

[Jaquta]

I expect you need support too.  Being abused can take some getting over.

Well then they both need help.  I guess being brought up in that environment it is understandable your husband is the way he is.  It doesn't make his behavior OK though.

I expect your T is right.

While he wants you back you have some leverage.  I would almost be tempted to advise asking him to attend therapy regularly and list some behavioral changes he needs to make before you will consider returning.  
It sounds like a pretty volatile and potentially dangerous situation though so I'm not going to interfere.  It sounds like you are kind of OK for now.

At the top of the page in the MedHelp tool bar you will see 'Forums' listed.  Click on that.  A number of community and expert forums should show up.  Scroll down to the Mental Health one on the right hand side.  That is the side the expert ones are listed on.  Click on the forum you want and then when it comes up click on 'post a question'.
Many of the expert forums have a daily limit on the number of new posts they allow (usually two) so you will need to be in quick.  Most of the expert forums are quite popular and the questions usually go quite quickly.

He can be helped if he wants to be and if he gets the right treatment.
I can only sympathize with how hard it must be for you.

Good luck with the question and take care.

[adenford]

Divorcing someone with borderline personality disorder tip: separate yourself emotionally from your BPD ex and don't be lured back in. There is going to be times when your phone is going to ring or you'll receive a e-mail in your inbox and it will be your BPD ex in the midst of some sort of crisis begging for your help. Just like in the tip mentioned above you need to stick with the rules in separate yourself. Most likely this victim like behavior is the same thing that drew you to the borderline in the 1st place. Remember, that there is nothing you can do to “help” them and by constantly poisoning your new normal and stable life by allowing their problems to seep in only brings you back to where you were before the divorce.

[Kavbear]

Have you spoken with a domestic violence advocate? I am divorcing someone who has BPD, he has had a rotten life, I believe he is a broken soul, hurting desperately, as one poster said it was what drew me in but I have to take our daughter and protect her as much as possible. I can't tell you how much seeing someone at my local domestic violence outreach center and going to group has helped. We get lured in and it sounds like you are in the power and control wheel. There is the lure, tension building, and the blow up..back to lure.
I never in a million years thought I would be abused but I was wrong.


If he is abusive you will need a reason, a VERY good reason for him to not get visitation.  If you file a injunction since he has been violant for you and on behalf of your child you might get a start and force his hand at getting help, and have his doctors names, hospitalizations, arrests (I am being broad and do not think everyone with BPD is a criminal, but mine was) and give them to the judge. The court system can not get his medical records if they do not know where to look for them. Someone along the road diagnosed him so there must be a record.

We have a daughter who is about to be 9 and the smartest thing (and saddest) was put her in therapy at 3. I had not been in contact with the Domestic Violence people, but they in my area at least have very specialized therapy for children who have seen abuse, they even have a coloring book...once they start coloring and talking what you hear might be hard, they heard everything and more.

Lastly keep in filed in the back of your head, if you are in the US and depending on the state and someone finds out your child has witnessed abuse, you both could lose custody and you could be charged (usually civially but its the ground for removal) for failure to protect. You do not want this so protect yourself and your child.
The other mothers know what it going on and there is a reason they aren't there, it's terribly sad that they allow this abuse to go on and risk losing their children but right now you have to protect those you can, unless those other children are being abused then you should act.

Take care and build a local support network. Good luck!

[david23222]

My real-life example of parental alienation syndrome.  Related to BPD?  Warning, strong language.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPpm4Gyi1jk

[Jaquta]

Would love to see it but our internet connection is too slow.