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Burning again after two years?
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Burning again after two years?

I just recently went back to work after being out of work for a year and the position I took is so demanding, that I feel like it's not at all what I was looking for. My last job was a get away from life job, I was a cashier at a grocery store and I had fun with the customers and I flirted and joked and I made comments to managers on how to improve things, but I was never asked to do anything more than what was expected of me, and that was just ringing thru the customers. I used to work 4 or 6 hour shifts with a 15 minute break avery 2 hours and a 1/2 hour lunch if i wourked a 6 hour shift. My new job, well for instance last night i was scheduled for 9 hours and i got a 1/2 hour break!! Not only do i cashier, but i dry mop the entire store, i vacuum, i mop, i put out the trash, i have to put all the returns back, stock the coolers, face all the shelves. sweep behind the counters, do the damages report, all this while I'm cashing out customers. I have 3 adult ADHD children at home who I have done a horrible job of raising because I do everything for them, so when I come home my house looks like a hurricane hit it! I have extreme fibromialgia (fibromyalgia), so as soon as I lay down the muscles in my legs tighten so severly I start to scream and cry. I haven't slept for days. And now my mental illness which is DID ( Dissassociative Identity Disorder) otherwise known as multiple personality, is getting worse again. I had a meetin with my therapist today and he was completely useless, cause I told him the things that relieved my stress work and cleaning are now casuing me pain, he just sat there. I started burning myself with a cigarette on my hand and then moved to my abdomen. I bunrt myself there over 30 times b4 this time was only 13, once i get started it's hard to stoop, it makes me feel free...I'm scared.
11 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
One of my personalities has BPD, I don't no why no one responded to my post but when I came on this morning and saw there was no response I started to cry. I feel so alone... I haven't felt this way in such a long time, my recovery was going really well and all of a sudden I feel like I'm slipping down the hole again and I can't get a hold of that rope. I'm new to this mental health center and my therapist has no idea how to help me and I don't no how to teach him how to help me. I was so good at distracting myself from self harm and right now I can't seem to see the forrest thru the trees, it's so completely frustrating, I just can't understand how I got here... I thought I was so over this.
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Avatar_f_tn
I didn't look at your post because I felt that my comments from previously might not have been that helpful.  Plus our computer has been playing up (is super slow) plus I've just had chemo today (so a lot of stress leading up to that).

I'm sorry that you felt alone and possibly rejected, etc and that maybe you weren't good enough or worthy enough of someone to take their time to write.

I saw the psychiatrist on Monday and we were talking about intrapsychic aloneness a bit.  I guess we all feel alone to varying degrees at times.  With bpd that can be hard to sit with and try and contain.

It's OK to validate yourself and give yourself permission to feel these things.  I don't think it's so important that others don't respond to your needs but super important for you or I to be able to feel OK without all the external validation.  We can't control others but we can control ourselves.
Often we get less support when we feel like we need more.

I'm really sorry you're feeling this bad.  I think that validation from others may halt the fall but ultimately it comes back to us and how we deal with stuff.  For me that use to mean crashing to the bottom and then picking myself up again.

I found some therapists helpful, while others were perhaps more damaging.
Working through projections is usually the key with people with bpd.

I'm sorry for the messy post.  I hope it at least makes some sense.  I can remember how bad I use to feel.  I would suggest that you try and contact your therapist or someone else on your treatment team and explain are bad things feel for you at this time.  Burning and cutting aren't good and they might be able to better support you through this difficult period for you.  Keep trying.  Keep asking.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you for your response, most of your comments were right on. Hitting bottom always scares me cause I'm not always sure where it will take me and how bad i will hurt myself. having multiple personalities i sometimes disappear and come back to find scars i don't remember giving myself and i fear sometimes i will kill myself. My children have been a major support for me, they are adults now but i feel like a burden to them, because they r young adults struggling with their own lives. I feel very weak right now and very exhausted from running from the feelings for the past 3 weeks, everything is spinning and i have no energy to take on anything. I called my mental health center yesterdy and they asked if i wanted to go in the hospital but my answer is always no even if i think it should b yes. When I burnt my self yesterday it wasn't enough, all i could think about was now I have to stab myself because this is not relieving me anymore. I haven't burned today, I have only slept, i can't seem to function at all... thank you again for responding, and I am sorry to hear you're on chemo, good luck with that and i hope it does the job.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hello there hunny.  Oh how I wish I had replied to your post, even though it would only have been a few lines.  Also I wrongly thought that because I'm not multiple personality I couldn't help, I was wrong.  I'm diagnosed borderline but thought I was bi-polar or multi personality for many years.  I see that you now have a job with a lot of pressure, personally I can't take pressure under any circumstances, that alone will make me very ill very quickly.  By ill I mean depressed and severly self harming.  The self harm brings a lot of tempory relief and like you I can't always remember doing the harm.  I'm thinking you are also a perfectionist like me and thats why you are trying your best to do EVERYTHING in your job.  My guess is that no body alive could carry out every task on your job list but I bet you are beating yourself up for not doing them all right?  I've felt all of those things I've described above and I find it so in most jobs today, employers expect blood from you and we pressure ourselves trying to do the impossible.  It's not your fault janice, it's the money grabbing employers.  Please don't punish yourself any more, if you can't give up the job you must give up burning hunny - PLEASE.  I'm absolutely sure you are far too tired to even talk!!!  When I'm that tired it makes me depressed and ultimately I'm suicidal, thats where I end up.  You see I most certainly UNDERSTAND a lot of what you say, borderline does exactly what it say's - borderlines other disorders.  One of the damaging behaviours has to stop first, how about the first being burning (yes, prob the hardest to stop).  After that maybe work on the chronic tirdness (that's a killer).  Yes, as someone else said, grab on to and keep pestering anyone who listens in the medical world - you owe it to yourself and your faithful family.  You are not alone, I thought I was until I found this community.  Good luck and big hugs.  X
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi hunny, I'm back again.  Ho hum, just read through your post again and the more I read the more awe-struck I am at just how you have coped and are coping with your many problems (not just your own probs).  The new job sounds a complete mightmare, honestly to work all those hours without a proper break, to have sole charge and responsibility AND to do all that and serve customers!!!!!!  I don't think!  Then you've had years and years of three ADHD children (still have) and to think ADHD wasn't known about years ago so no help.  In all you've had one of the most difficult lives I've ever heard written about.  Oh my oh my, no wonder you are basicially at your wits end.  It's all far too much pressure and you could do with that hospital time out, however of course I understand why hospital is not an option.  Keep knorring away at any Dr or psych person, you need help and you need it soon.   XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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Avatar_f_tn
You are so right about being a perfectionist!! One of the distactions I leaned towards instead of harming myself was cleaning my home, I loved it! Sounds crazy but, but having my house in order made me fel absolutely wonderful, I felt like an artist! hahahaha!! I got rid of all the junk and simplified my home to the bare minimum so that dusting and vacumming was a snap, but recently even though it doesn't take long on top of the responsibilities at work it has become a chore not a release and I now feel pressured by it. The other thing was my job, I used to leave my crazy world here to go to my mindless job and now I am being a perfectionest there to show them how wonderful I am, and even if I tried to slow down, which I've already found myself saying "**** IT!" to all my duties that I'm expected to do cause I'm just so overwhelmed. I just slept for 2 days, and I'm feeling a little renewed, I did burn myself yesterday, I have work tonight and I'm just going to do the best I can and stop being so perfect at it. The problem is I just feel like I'm failing at everything, my house is a mess, my youngest son is showing signs of a real mental illness that I can't pinpoint and I know he's in deep **** and I don't know how to help him nor do I have the energy, my other ADHD daughter is expecting a baby and she's really cluelless, she can't manage her own life and I'm so worried about that child, the baby is due at the end of January. My other ADHD daughter is a nursing student on the dean's list getting her RN in May but has absolutely no life skills, has no idea how to do laundry or dishes. My 27 year old who lives an hour away is the only one without ADHD comes from a different dad, she's the one i dump one the most and she's about to lose her second job, she has a Bachelor's degree in Math, and can't seem to find her place in this world. They all turn to me when I'm not sick and right now I can't see straight. I am not a complainer, I have no time to be, these kids have had no one else to depend on but me, but on the other hand I have spent 6 times a year in the hospital on average over the past decade. I know I am rambling I think it's cause I want to get this out hoping somehow it will help....So thank you for listening!!!
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Avatar_f_tn
I tried to go to work...I cleaned the house took a shower and then I lost myself. I called my daughter and she made the decision it's time, I need to go into the hospital. I can't function, I can't think straight, I don't even know where I am anymore...I hope this doesn't take long. I'll check in when I get back. love and kisses to all!
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi again.  I'm glad you managed to come back here and reply.  Yes, this thing we have about perfection in all things is really the bane of our lives.  We are our own taskmasters, it's us who set the highest standards which quite honestly we would not ask of anyone else.  I understand the cleaning of your home being the thing that you throw yourself into most and when you can't do that it seem's like it's the end of the road.  You really need a helping hand here hun and if that come's by way of a short hospital stay, so be it.  I know all you want to be is a good Mum and that you must of been because you see and hear a lot from your children.  Three ADHD children is a huge worry even though they are adults, I know you want to support them equally and keeping yourself stable as possible will enable you to continue to be there for them.  You said yourself they turn to you, do anything you need to do to continue this support for them.  Do come back when you can and let us know how thing's are.  I wish you luck, you are much stronger than you think.  XX
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Avatar_f_tn
If you can get back to the BPD community here do let us know how things went/are going.  I've been looking out for you and thinking of you dear.  XX
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Avatar_m_tn
I am sorry to hear that burning and cutting aren't enough for you anymore.  I certainly am not saying to stab urself in the stomach, but I understand the pain and urgency to get control of your body and mind. I crashed a few years ago when I was consumed with breaking bones.  So I used a hammer and fractured my thumb. I knew I was at a severly low point.  I hope and pray you haven't reached that point. I too have fibro.  I wish you the best and will pray for you. There are so many people out there who have BPD, but we are very good at hiding it.


bipolar 2                                            
BPD
PTSD
anxiety
depression
2 spinal fusions n a laminectomy
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Avatar_f_tn
Hello to you both and excuse me for writing to you both in the same reply.  Janice150, I hope things are going along a great deal better than they were when last I/we heard from you.  If this did indeed include a hospitalisation then I'm hoping the intervention was helpful.

susieinked13, yes I do understand dear, the total relief of cutting after the build up of emotions and sometimes the lack of control we often find ourselves in.  Your responce was very harsh and by now I SINCERELY hope you've had and have got help with this severe problem.  My past is littered by forms of self-harm and as a consequence I now have to face daily the scars of the past, especially getting changed in the gym.  Whilst I'm not ashamed, I am reminded and need to stay reminded because fighting the 'need' to cut/self harm happens often on a daily basis.  Good luck to all here and do let us know how things go.   XXX
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