Can smeone explain?

I feel like an idiot writing this note write now. But im going insane here. Its like 1.20 in the morning. Ive just took my sleeping pills but sleep is the last thing on my mind. I want to scream and run and shout and just do SOMETHING! I dont know what though. I don't know whats wrong with me. All the illnesses i have been diagnosed with do not say that this is a symptom, or the times when i feel i am going to blow up because my head will not stop buzzing? What is it all. Is there anyone here that understands what i mean?

I will go off into one of my attacks over the stupidest thing, someone saying something i dont like, even my faverouite person being kicked out of x-factor and il start. I just go to the floor, kick, scream and shout. Go mental. Before i was trying to make a sandwich and i couldnt get the cheese to cut right and i threw the whole plate. It was as though i had done something terrible. I was so angry at my self. It bubbles from my stomach and i just cant get the feelings through my mouth. They just stay stuck there and when i do try adn say something everything comes out backwards making no sense. I just want this to stop. I want my life back. I need to know what i can do.

Im scared that people are after me, maybe not even people, im so lost and confused, yet some days i can function completley normally. I feel as though im not ill enough to be here but not well enough to be in the real world. But i can feel it all getting worse day by day.

I cant face more hospitals, Ive just turned 18 this means adult wards, if i dont get help from my community team im gonna get trapped in the system. This is such a rant i know, but i have no one elses to speak to right now, im grasping at straws just hoping one person will understand and say its this charley, suggest this? I dont know. All i know is im scared and i refuse to live like this any longer. If it doesnt get sorted im gone. This is no life x

[rBoulet]

If you have a doctor talk to them, if you don't, find one. I know what it's like not knowing exactly what's wrong with you and such and such but trying to figure it out and deal with it on your own will only cause you to burn yourself out.
Sometimes getting help means being in the hospital, it's not so bad. I've been in both the adolescent wards and the adult wards and to tell you the truth I prefer the adult ones. Of course, not being in any ward is best but if I had to pick I'd go with adult. Maybe it will help? It's better than trying to kill yourself no matter how you look at it though.
As for the thinking people are after you. It's not fun, you don't need me to tell you that, but it's usually a good sign that you should be thinking "Woah, this isn't right, maybe I should go talk to someone about this.". Next time it happens, call up someone who can help you.

[Jaquta]

I think the behavior stems from intolerable anxiety which we then express as anger.
You may not have identified the problem as anxiety but with time and therapy it becomes more obvious.

You can't get the feelings out because they are intense and are pre-verbal.  Babies aren't able to communicate their distress verbally they cry.  It's much the same thing.

With bpd our coping mechanisms can be very primitive and immature.  While they do serve to protect us they can also cause us a lot of distress.

It sounds like you may be extremely stressed (anxious or distressed) and sometimes when this happens we can experience short-term psychotic symptoms.  Thinking that people are after you may be one such symptom.

Not sick enough for help but not well enough to be able to function.
The ability to function some days and not others is something that happens to those with bpd.  Sometimes you can also appear more competent than you really are.

Talk to your community team and share what you have with us.  Tell then you're having problems and not coping.

Usually when this happens it means the person isn't contained.
Hospital can sometimes, but not always, provide that containment.

I hope this helps some.  I hope you manage to get some sleep.

You should ask if there is a dbt program you could participate in.
I would also make sure you get some good psychotherapy.

Good luck for everything.

[Mydreamweight]

I have seen my social worker today and tried to explain what im going through she said much the same as you, that i am just stressed and anxious, I was trying to explain that it couldnt be that! Its all too much for it just to be stress, i have been in adolescent wards and not liked them, and that was more for my eating disorder, I have never been diagnosed with anything wrong with my mental health other than anorexia, depression, anxiety and stress, panic attacks, OCD and what i beleive to be the wrong diagnosis of conversion disorder.
Im frustrated that she even saw me have a violent attack today which lasted around 10 minuites where i was screaming and kicking, crying, lashing out and unable to stop, then about a 45minuite period afterwards where my speech was not coming out controled, i was speaking in a childish manner and the words i were trying to say wouldnt come out correctly.
Even while she was there i was trying to hit out at the 'thing' that seems to watch me from behind my head. It makes me mad that although i have my full team and they say that they care that they cant seem to get to the bottom of this one problem. My eating disorder is pretty extreme and that drives me insane, but even the voice of that seems drowned out by the fear i have of whats happening to me now.
I dont want to give my self a diagnosis but my doctors dont seem to know whats wrong with me, and if they do they arent telling me. I cant understand how i can be here at home and them not worry?! Also does anyone ever get a buzzing or a beeping sound that seems to be pericing right through your ears? It makes mmy head hurt and i just wanna shut my eyes. I dunnah if im imagning it or not, when i ask the people around me if they hear it too they say no :/ xxxx

[rBoulet]

You are entitled to a second opinion. If you believe your current team is lacking or missing something, then you can tell them directly that you want a second opinion. If you feel that you cannot wait or are in immediate danger then going to the nearest emergency room, walk-in clinic, or calling a mental health line could be options for you.
What you are describing could still be stress, I know it might seem far-fetched or like stress can't cause this much of a problem, but it can. Stress can be pretty extreme at times and it's best not to dismiss it.
On the other hand it could be something else, and the team you are currently seeing might be having a problem figuring out what it is in part to how short your attacks are. You haven't mentioned being diagnosed with borderline but you are posting here so I'm assuming that either you or someone else has come across this disorder and decided that it may apply to you, and it certainly may. The only thing I know of that has such short lasting attacks, but are still enough to cause you so much distress is borderline.
It might be worth it for you to bring that up with the team you are currently seeing.

[Jaquta]

Based on some of the behaviors you described I just assumed you had been diagnosed with bpd.  I thought the behaviors seemed relevant in the context of bpd.

BPD is about struggling to manage your emotions.  Not necessarily all the time though.
The buzzing could be tinnitus or could even be due to high blood pressure.

I think some of the problems you describe are because you think in terms of black and white.
I too use to be far from impressed when my favorite individual got voted out of Survivor or our country lost the rugby or netball.
Perhaps in some small way I put a part of me in them and their endeavors.  And when they lost I felt bad or like a failure.  Maybe by voting off my favorite person I felt rejected.
I don't know.  I haven't really analyzed it in depth.

It's hard to know what's really going on.  There is a lot there.  I would possibly ask about bpd.

Stress and anxiety rear their ugly heads in lots of different ways.

Maybe not eating enough is causing some of the symptoms.  It's another possibility.

You might like to try researching tinnitus and bpd.

[bipolerchick]

i am 18 and i can say i hear rining all the time i will be sitting there in class and all i hear is everyting ringing and the attacts as you call them could be many different things i have some and i was told that it was that i had an anger problim i am passive aressive and when i get mad or upset i hurt my frinds or myself or my soon to be husband and the feeling that someone is fallowing you or waching you is paranora and trust me it will be fine i have lived with all of this befor the only thing i can say is i dont now what brings yours on but i am bipoler and its been what started showing all of this more and more i also have adhd wich is why i dont sleep. if you ever need anyone to talk to messege me on here i will go into more detal and try and help if you want me to