I thought that being diagnosised with BPD would actually help me move forward but it hasn't, i try to educate myself as much as possible on it but all it does it educate me. I am still stuck in the circle and pattern of behaviours. In all honesty is seems i am stuck like this, my GP even said all i can do is learn to live with it, they really have no understanding how hard it is to live with.
I am never happy or content to just be, i am either desperately depressed or so hyper and agitated that i panic all the time. I can make realtionships with people but i will admit i have trouble keeping them the biggest thing for me is rejection i always assume people will reject me once they get to know me so i am a ***** and i back of before they get to know me i have been trying so hard to work on this but its not working.
My social worker was late for an appointment i was angry because i felt like she didn't care i almost walked out because i felt so hurt, i smashed up pictures and my house because my partner went to his friends house what is wrong with me.
Had a crappy few weeks avoided hospital again but come Monday if i am no better she will admit me against my will this time, they are probably as fed up with it as i am.
I am frustrated i can't express totally how i feel the words are stuck inside me.
My partner is frustrated, there is no one where i live who specializes in personality disorders my therapist supports me but thats all he can do, is it really that if you have BPD you are unhelpable?
I don't think i can stay stuck like this forever.
I commend you for your openness and honesty. And every word you wrote rang a bell as I have been struggling with BPD as well all my life but was recently diagnosed. I felt that this is it for me, and that things will never get better. But you CAN get better. BPD has many symptoms, and those are treatable but they require a plan of recovery and practice, practice, practice. I have been going to a life coach (a therapist that actually looks for patterns in behavior and we try to tackle them together one by one) These patterns are symptoms of BPD, i.e., fear of abandonment, not feeling loved, anxiety, negative self-image, and so many more that are associated with BPD. It also has to do with looking at things differently than we used to, like changing our perception that we have been using for all our lives that has fed this disorder. All this isn't so easy, and it requires time and commitment, but it can be life-changing. I'm only in the beginning of treatment and I can feel the change in my perception already. There a website that can help you http://www.cairforyou.com/default.htm and also this book that helps you step by step in this process, the book acts as a therapist, it's called, "Who's Really Driving Your Bus".
I hope you can find all this useful as I understand the difficulties you're facing, but there is hope and there is help. This forum in itself is help, as it connects you with people that can be helfpul, hopefully :) Good Luck.
Thanks for the reply, i have been in therapy for years but only recently discovered i have BPD therapy doesn't seem to have much effect, where i live there is no one who specialized in BPD, my therapist has always been understanding and supportive and there for me but i never feel like i am moving forward just going around in circles.
I am glad that therapy is working for you and thats for the website information i will definetly look it up.
Hi There: Have you considered online therapy with a BPD specialist? I've heard from a friend that this can be an option. Not sure how it works but maybe you can google it and find some therapists to select from. Also, while researching, I found that Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is a kind of therapy for BPD and combines cognitive and behavior therapy to help treat BPD, you can find some information on it here: http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/index.html
You seem to have a good grasp of your situation, and having lived with someone who has BPD, I can say, from an observer's perspective, that people with BPD can and do get better, become more able to live life as they want and enjoy it.
DBT is the gold-standard nowadays for treating BPD. Hospital admissions, which I've handled for one person with BPD, are sometimes necessary during a crisis, but otherwise therapy is what works best, with meds as required to manage depression, anxiety, or other symptoms. Online therapy is an option, but so is finding another therapist locally. If your therapist doesn't know how to work with someone who has BPD and is ready to give up, that may mean you should consider finding a more suitable therapist, locally or online.
Last, people with BPD often get better as they get older. No one is really sure why, but some researchers believe this is associated with the natural and inevitable changes that the brain undergoes between ages 18 and 30 or so. There are, unfortunately, exceptions, but this is one case in which aging will likely help you.
Thanks for the reply, i am pleased to hear that you have experience of someone getting better, i wasn't diganoised until i was 34 so aging made me worse because it was left untreated for so long. There is no DBT available where i live my therapist is a cbt therapist.
I have been in hospital a few times as well, last time was two months ago.
I have asked alot of questions about BPD and read up on alot of stuff i feel i have to know everything.
Thanks for your reply.
Please help! I think I might have this disorder. Im mainly affected by work. I am constantley looking for a dif job or career path...its exausting!once I find something I think I will stick to and I am so excited about...I begin searching for somthing else. And im not fresh out of highschool...I should have a couple degrees by now!
Hi there, I have been struggling with BPD for around 4 years know and struggle all the time but i have learnt that there isn't really much help available ( mental health team's ect ) that i feel should be doing more to help me cope with my situation. and actually it is only me that can help me. i have been told that by my social worker. but strangely if look back a year ago i can see that i must have got a bit better from what i was like then and i take all the credit for that.
Have you ever written down what it is that annoys you and then just destroyed what you have written. for me this was a way of taking something from my mind and letting it go. i'm not saying this will work for you but i have found that living with bpd we need all the help we can get. I hope you feel better soon.
As you've read, you've made some great first steps. Knowledge about your disorder will certainly help.
I was diagnosed 18yrs ago. My experience has had some rocky moments, but trust me when I say, you'll develop coping strategies (we all do) to make things easier/more comfortable. At first its hard, like any new skill is, but with practice (use) it becomes second nature, almost reflexive. Does BPD go away. Sorry to say, no it doesn't!! But it does not influence your world as much. You will still get those intense emotional levels, but you'll find ways to deal more appropriately with them, therebye reducing that shame/guilt/embarassment that often follows some choices.
This is a personality disorder, which means that different personalities, when disordered, leave different messes, so to speak. So I can't know what difficulties you might be experiencing. Mine is loss of identity. I needed help, but managed to find a core in me that I know is there no matter what stupid thing I may do (no shortage of those). This allowed me the ability to say to myself "That's not me that's the BPD". That avenue gave me an escape from the shame that often completely suffocated me.
Reading what I've wrote, I'm not sure I've helped at all. I don't want to scare you. There is work to be done, but BPD can be managed. Hope you find some hope with this. It's scary early on and I feel for you. Don't give up!!
Hi, thanks for the reply. My therapist is trying to help as much as he can and my psychiatrist has been very good as well they have given me lots of information. I still struggle with it, i don't want to have this but i suppose there isn't alot he can do about it. I think i struggle most with the changing emotions they change all the time i go from ok to really depressed really quickly. Also i guess the loss of identity as well would be a big thing i am so easily influenced by others around me because i don't know who i am or what i want. Thanks again
I don't mean to pry, but I am wondering if you also struggle with, what my therapist calls, ruminating. I seem to mull over things, having these worries haunt me for a long time. I have improved on so many other concerns, but I just can't seem to let go of some things. Is this a BPD thing or just a personality flaw? I don't know. Makes it hard to progress.
Hi, yeah i do that as well i just can't let things go, it could be part of BPD i have never really thought about it, but if someone hurts me or says something wrong i never forget and i can't understand either why my parents aren't speaking to me and why don't they want to speak to me i can't let that go either.
I'm curious about the statement you made, "Had a crappy few weeks avoided hospital again but come Monday if i am no better she will admit me against my will this time, they are probably as fed up with it as i am.". Being a Canadian I wonder: On what grounds can they hold you?
Here, in Canada, they can only hold you involuntarily, if you are a danger to yourself or others. If this the case, please allow yourself to get some help. Since I don't know your age, I'm thinking perhaps Parents/Guardians can volunteer you, so to speak, if you are considered too young to choose.
I say this only because this is one of my trriggers. Growing up I was often sent to "Saint Mary's Boys Home" a local respite service "to give my parents a break". The priests and brothers did not like my defiant behaviour resulting in a less than pleasant experience. I think they felt they could beat the devil out of me. All they did was beat God out. After that, I could never believe in one.
Therfore, I'm concerned if you're being sent somewhere you don't want to go, pehaps for the wrong reasons.
First, let me apologize for the above post. As I've said this is a real sensitive issue with me. That does not give me the right to vent on your thread!! Sorry.
I've read an old journal entry of yours, where you also felt bad about this venting issue.
I just thought that, you were being sent away, to give others a break, and not to safely address your needs at this time. And that set me off, resulting in the above. I promise to use more caution in the future. Hope you can forgive me.
Hi, don't worry please feel free to vent anytime you want thats what this place is for. I think the journal you are on about is one where i was told of for venting by another member and i was very upset because i feel we should be able to vent on here so i have no problems with you venting at all.
I was admitted to hospital on the 15th March if i didn't go there were going to put me there anyway and yeah your right its the same here it was a safety issue i self-harmed quite badly and got into doing it alot more than i should i was all over the place my partner found out and said he was leaving me, my social worker was worried this was making everything worse and they were afraid i would go to far. My psychiatrist talked me into going but i hated it there made me even more anxious and when i came home my anxiety has gotten that bad that i can't stand to be alone or go anywhere.
I am so sorry to hear you had such a bad experience at that place your parents sent you too. Please feel free to talk about whatever you want on here.
I'm really sorry to hear your in the darkness (that's what I call that low feeling). I was just released from the hospital on Monday and I was there for suicidal tendencies. My coworkers advized me to seek help as I was also in the darkness. I keep things bottled up and never really vent things properly. If you wait until your really agitated (all shook up) it gets really messy when you cap comes of the bottle.
But I'm back at home now. I really missed my goofy cat. He's the only life form I can get along with. He's seen both my best and my worst and either way he still nuzzles up, purring and making me think he's thinking, "I don't care, I like you!!". Very forgiving.
I do that too i keep all in until its too late, then hospital doesn't help its a scary place, sorry to hear you are struggling too.
Its seems that BPD is there for life i was diagnoised until last year, sometimes i wonder how did they miss it, but i guess that it, my therapist said it can be managed but never cured but i think he meant that in a good way.
I am glad your cat loves you.
I'm not sure what has shut the lights off for you (triggered this despair). I often cannot see what's really wrong and I struggle with those BPD inner demons that tell you you're worthless/stupid/shameful etc. all in an effort to damage you or urge self destruction.
Here's what set me off recently. I work in a high school speial ed program. A new student in my class (15yrs old) has gotten the sticky end of the stick his entire life. Recently his mother regained custody of him (lost it originally for unhealthy enviorment due to her lifestyle/addictions). The courts decided she was now clean and put him back with her. He was so happy/proud to be part of a REAL family rather than gov't appointed foster families. As the year progressed he started missing more and more school ("Mom's sick"). Well last week, after getting the younger ones ready and off to school he went to say goodbye to mom, only to find her dead on the bed. I have since found out, it wwas what I feared, an overdose. Man that's a lot for a 15yr old to deal with and he's just such a great young man. Anyway I didn't/couldn't handle it. I have those abandonment triggers (leaving him all alone), and then abuse issues trigger me. Bad week and I finally blew.
One of my partners at work showed up to check on me. I must have looked terrible because all she said was "get your coat, we're going to the hospital". She wouldn't take no for an answer. When I refused she told me either I go voluntarily with her or she will have police come and take me there. "You need help and I need you to get that help or I can't find peace with this. Whether you believe it or not, we love you and want to help, but you need to first get some medical attention". So I went. I'm going to be here awhile it seems, but the school will continue to pay me (on medical leave).
Just a side note.
When she arrived I HATED HER FOR STICKING HER NOSE IN MY BUSINESS and when she threatened to call the police, my first impulse was to physically remove her (push her out the door) and in the time it would take her to get cops there I could just jam a blade through my brainstem and solve this once and for all. What stopped this thinking? It was her desperate, pleading eyes. I just saw how much that would damage this woman, whose only fault was caring about me.
Hope you've got people who care about you too. It really helps in quieting those inner demons and their BPD self destructive BS.
I'm sorry. I forgot you're newly diagnosed. As I've said I'll be here awhile (2 appointments a week for the next 10 weeks, had to sign a promisary contract saying I would not miss, no matter how I felt both physically and mentally (can't call in sick at a hospital)). But I want you to know I have lived the past 14 years, without medication and with out any of these extreme emotions.
Please don't let me scare you about this disorder. Chances are, at your core, you're a brighter, stronger, smarter and more capable person than I ever will be. Your clear stretches may be even longer. Don't lose hope!!
I don't take medication either, i have a great therapist and social worker and psychiatrist they are all very understanding and supportive. My family aren't speaking to me and i don't have any friends.
Try not to feel to bad that would have been alot to cope with no wonder you blew, at least you accepted help for it.
I seem to be getting worse instead of better these last few weeks have been a nightmare, its hard to find hope when feeling this bad.
There's always hope. I know how my feelings change in short periods of time. But those lows are a monsterous burden. Emotional fatigue can play into the fueling of these lows. Do you have anything you do to occupy yourself? Hobbies, creative outlets and such. I do computer graphics (wallpapers, CD covers etc,). This seems to allow me to vent or rid myself of the negative feelings I am drowning in. Do you have such interests?
I've uploaded some of my art onto my photo page. The program I use is a free program you can download online called "Paint.Net". It offers tutorials and user made plugins that allow anyone to just mechanically create things. I have no real art abilities, but I just start button clicking and blending and find I've made something I like. Perhaps you might enjoy doing something like that.
Hi, thanks for that i will try it out, i really need to try something, my anxiety and panic attacks have been playing up today so maybe doing something will help.
I don't have many interests i spend too much time at home, i am too afraid to go anywhere.
I'm sorry to hear you're still struggling. It's been a long time since the last time I had panic attacks. It's hard to get out and about in that state. My anxiety was usually when interacting with anybody else. Cashiers, sales people or worse the chance encounter with someone I knew. Fortunately, one of the great things about where I live, is the lack of people. We have a lot of space and it was relatively easy to avoid others, while still being out of the house.
What makes you feel the anxiety/panic when you're out there?
I really want things to improve for you and I've been thinking. You said you are not medicated and I'm wondering what your view is on the question of meds. As you know I recently melted down and as a result have been prescribed meds again (effexor). Too early to tell if it's working, but I know back when I was first diagnosed, I really had trouble going on meds, thinking they were just to dope me into submission. Eventually,I recognized how much they helped me get stronger mentally until I finally could handle things again without them.
You have a lot of professional support, perhaps you could inquire about the usefulness of medication for your current state. Might help you lift out of the blues and take a more proactive stance in this struggle. Just want to help!!
I am afraid of medication even antibiotics at the minute i have a really bad throat infection it was so hard to take the antibiotics even for a few days to help my throat i stopped them before i was supposed to. i have tried anti-depressdants and every time i talk to my therapist, social worker or psychiatrist they try to talk me into taking them but i am so afraid of the side effects but they keep telling me they would help me so much but i am too scared to try. A few months ago i tried them for one day it made me so tired and spaced out they told me the feeling would pass and then i would feel better but i wouldn't stay on them long enough to find out, sometimes i really wish i would.
As for the panic its everywhere even at home sometimes i get so scared even if i have to talk to people coming into my house, outside i panic in shops and going to far from the car and stuff but the panic at home scares me the most, these days i panic alot at home and i hate it.
Wow! You have a lot of things really complicating matters. I wish I had more help to give. How are things going today?
I understand the fears about side effects, but I agree you need to stay on meds long enough to see if they work. The antibiotics are especially dangerous with stopping before directed as you can increase the likelyhood of a more serious infection.
Keeping my fingers crossed, that life improves for you in the near future. Keep Battling, You Can Win!!
Just checking up on you. How are you doing?
I'm back at work and I've been thinking about you. I saw a video lately and thought you'd like to see it. Very dark at beginning but then reminds you of the strength present in each of us. Hope it helps.
Thanks for that i love Natalie Merchant. I have been struggling still feel like i am going crazy everyone says its anxiety but i am so scared its not. Social worker let me down today, didn't call back got someone else to do it i really needed her. I was really suicidal last week and called my therapist he wasn't there so they put someone else on told them i was really suicidal and he called the police on me they came to where i was and brought me into be assessed. The psychiatrist i saw last week that BPD isn't even a mental illness its my personality so that means i'm wrong obviously made wrong she was the one who made me suicidal she made me feel that i was wasting everyones time that it was all pointless. How have you been, are you feeling any better? Thanks for the link.
Boy, are we we connected or what? After posting my last post I went to my new, company appointed, therapist for an initial interview. That's almost exactly how she approached it. Dismissing my claims of being a borderline and the need for any medication. Basically an "It's all in your head" approach where I'm left feeling she believes I'm just making it up. I can already tell, this is not going to end pretty. I am going back next week one last time, just to point out how wrong I think she is. I often go too far. Keep your fingers crossed.
Sorry to hear that happened you as well, what is it with these people, my own psychiatrist was a lot more understanding and so has my therapist been at times but i feel they are frustrated by me because i never seem to get better. I managed to get out today for a while, panic was really bad but stayed out for a while, i don't feel any better at home so it doesn't really matter where i go. The doctor said yesterday that i have still have a red throat and some fluid in my ear so that would be making me feel tired because i am still sick.
I hope your appointment goes well next week, make them listen to you if you can, good luck.
I've been reading this thread and wanted to share with you my own history. I was first diagnosed BPD in '88. I felt hopeless and stuck. I heard once you are given that diagnosis professionals consider you chaotic and a lost cause and don't like to work with you. I certainly understand that with the swift mood swings and volatility involved. I finally got the most help when I saw a new therapist who went thru the symptoms of BPD...line by line. I could clearly see the ones which fit and I was able to focus on them. I did a lot of "overthinking"...what do you expect...I'm BPD...LOL!!! Anyway. Over time and I mean quite some time to learn to see situations that would set me up before they happened. Far less volatile now. I don't get so overwhelmed by perceived or real rejection. I realize not everyone is going to like everyone, professionals are people too and have bad days that at times can be reflected in their work and I am entitled to help and answers to well thought out questions and needs. I can't expect people to be able or want to get too involved when I am bouncing off the walls, making accusations, wrongly assuming and becoming more of the problem than a sincere search for a solution.
I am MUCH older than you. I have been getting the way I respond very much under control for quite some time and yes...time, time and more time. It is very important to look back and credit youself for changes no matter how small. Small successes give you something to fall back on and draw from in the future...what worked and what didn't. How did I feel when such-and-such happened. Actually, I realize eventually I was able to shift to "what did you think" in situations. First I had to get my acting out and volatility under control before I even knew it was usually fear or rejection I was thinking...that led me to anger and blame.
Hang in there. It can be done. Also, in my case, I had been in a violent relationship and my therapist told me he and his collegues had observed BPD can change when a person gets out of abusive and controlling relationships.
Hope that gives you something to hang your star on. '-)
Thankyou for the positive reply, at the minute anxiety and panic is the biggest issue for me i can hardly even leave the house and even at home i am so afraid i feel so strange all the time and so scared is that normal with BPD i have had anxiety issues before but never this extreme. I am never agressive with my therapist or social worker just depressed and anxious but maybe i am still too much for them, too demanding. Thanks for the reply i am glad you are feeling better but i don't recieve therapy for BPD because i am always in crisis and they never know what to do with me, its my own fault really, my therapist supports me but is hoping i will join a psychotherapy group so even he wants rid of me. I am glad things workerd out for you.
Once again, I find myself thinking about you and wanting to check in and see how things are going.
I really like the post by b0nnie_g, Her statement "I did a lot of "overthinking"..." sure rings true for myself also. I like her input and hope it helps you gain some strength. I'd sure like to stop the "its my own fault really" thinking you have. I've been there and I know how heavy a load, that baggage, can be. Sometimes I'd find myself so concerned about wanting to be what others wanted me to be, I'd lose track of who I really am. Sooner or later the true you has to come out and there should be no fault in that. We are who we are and it's essential you get comfortable with that. Do what you need to do for yourself and not for others. Too often, people who do things to please others, forget themselves. Don't let anyone fault you for being yourself. I'm hoping once you find the power to make a stand, you'll also gain the power to see your own strengths. They're in you, I promise. You're just having trouble seeing them. Stay strong and keep up the fight.
Here's a couple of new videos. Both soothe me when I'm getting wound up. hope you like them!!
I found this post a few months after it was active, on the hopes that it may still be of interest for those like me searching for answers. I am the parent of a teen girl with BPD, and there are many days when I wonder if I can go on. I live with all of the symptoms described above, she sometimes gets so worked up she attacks either her father or me. Its horrible for us, but it is worse for her because she is suffering when this is happening to her. I believe she can get well. But I don't think meds alone can help. I think a commitment to at least 30 minutes of vigorous cardio exercise every day, omega 3 supplements, and yoga for nervous system support can help. Does anyone have any suggestions how to get my daughter to at least consider this? We have tried at least 5 medications, and they do little to help her. I think improving blood flow throughout the various areas of the brain, to stimulate the prefrontal cortex for better emotional regulation is the key. We also have a good therapist but are searching for a DBT specialist. I wont give up....but sometimes I sure want to!
Your daughter is lucky to have your help and understanding. I don't take meds and my psychiatrist agreed with me that meds don't really help people with BPD they can help ease symptoms of depression and other symptoms but they don't really help with BPD. I am to join a psychotherapy group soon and its my last hope my therapist has been very supportive and my social worker but i was only diagnoised recently so i haven't actually had any therapy for it yet.
Exercise might help my therapist keeps telling me it would help use up some energy and release a feel good feeling but so far i don't have the energy to do anything.
Keep trying for you and your daughters sake and i hope it gets easier for you.
I understand your concerns. Medications are often hit or miss and really only treat the symptoms of something deeper. Exercise is a great option for reducing anxiety and stress.
Stress is essentially that fight or flight response with no conclusion (no flight or fight). Exercise or any motor nerve activity will supply a biochemical response that then causes a cascade affect helping to shut down those stress engines. Keep up the battle, it can be won. Good luck!!
Hi i have bin told by my cbt therapist that i have anxiety depression but i think iv got bpd it makes more sense in my life but i dnt no how i should get my Docter to check ? What should i say ? Im only 20 and its recking my life plz help x
Just say what you've just said here, that you think you could have bpd and ask them if they could assess you for it. You could also discuss this with your therapist.
Let them know what you're thinking and feeling and why you feel you could have it. I think that the important thing is to talk about it. It doesn't hurt to let them know how it is affecting your life and can help them in the treatment planning process.
Hi I would just like to say I think u and thu-looking-glass are very strong people and I thank u for your openness . I have been married for all most 30 year .over the years there has been lots of ups and downs at time .be told I work to much or I love this or that more then her and a lot of thing that u talk about . I learnt many years ago the lesses stress for her the beter .it about her feeling safe but some times that isn't enof either Which isn't possabell all the time I would love some advice on this thank u so much .
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