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Confused and running into a brick wall
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Confused and running into a brick wall

My Family does not accept my Bipolar diagnosis at all. By family I mean my mother,father and so on. So, therefore when I do have to be around them I am cut no slack what so ever. I walk on egg shells and do my very best to behave the so called  norm. I am on meds, different ones for 12 years now. My mind races, running in circles, running into brick walls like a childs remote contol car that has no where to go and cannot escape. When I return home to my husband, we live a couple hundred miles away, thankfully, I cannot deal with him at all. No matter what he says or does, I can't stand him. We fight. I don't want him to touch me, hug me, kiss me, nothing at all. Every word out of his mouth is poision. I hate him. But, I know I don't really, but I do. I am fighting myself in my head. Fighting myself everyday, constantly. I have an appt. to see a new therapist, oh joy. When will it ever end? Why do I do this to him? He is going to leave me one day and more than likely take my children. Other than the way I have a perfectly organized home. It is very clean, my oldest child makes perfect grades and is in all advanced placement classes and has tested in the top 2% in the state in science and math. My youngest just turned three and can already count to 25, knows the entire alphabet by sight, my get my point here. I try so hard to do all things perfect and I am not achieving anything. I still want death and the real me is inside fighting this evil ***** who has stolen my body and done secretive evil things that no one else knows about. I want out. What do I do?
Wow, I didn't expect all of that to come out.
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I wonder if you have been misdiagnosed.  Sounds like bpd (borderline personality disorder).

I would encourage you to work through any issues, etc with your new therapist.

Ultimately it doesn't matter what family think but what you think.  My older sister was just telling me yesterday to get a life.  I'm sure that just means that she is dissatisfied with her own life.  If she knew how much I struggled I would like to think that she wouldn't be so insensitive.  I honestly wouldn't try to please others though, it is a waste of time and resources.

Talk to your therapist.  And husband.  Try not to shut him out so much.
I would also try and set limits with your family (mother, father, etc).  By the way they may just interpret your problems as being due to poor parenting, etc and are denying your issues for those reasons alone.  ??
I hear ya, I think us people with mental illness usually have problems with family, and no, they do not always understand. We also put too high of expectations on them to understand and accept, when we should also understand they are doing their best, and it is hard on them to see us in pain. People are not always as perfect as they should be, they sometimes react to horrible situations ignorantly, but they are still family :).
Oh I always had horrible times with family during my BPD, but now that I am out of it, i realize none of it ever made any logical sense, and that they aren't perfect but they still love me and that's all that matters.
You WILL get over this, and there is hope for everyone with a mental illness to get through the storm and see the light at the end of the tunnel! Just a few months ago, I was a mess! But for once in my life I feel completely free from all the turmoil. I truly feel recovered, and i'm not like one of those AA people who say "tomorrrow i might pick up the bottle" because i simply refuse to believe that i am destined to be messed up! I will not relapse back, and i know it, this time, i'm out of it.

At times it really did feel like i was possessed by something, but you can get your life back and learn what it really means to feel happy! Just remember that, during tough times, it clouds your judgement on things, and during extremes, it makes the sun look a lot like rain!
One day your mind will switch, one day you will become committed, it wasn't easy, but nothing is, it takes a lot of devotion and personal awareness and work! But if i can do it, anyone can.  
You are a perfectionist and you MUST take the time to look at all the good things in your life, all the things you have achieved, start with simple things, start with everything you can see. But when our minds are like this, we need to jump start it all, by noticing the little things. You have a home, you have shelter, you have family, you have intelligent kids, you have achieved a lot more than most, be proud of those things.
Gratefulness is the key. When we learn to become grateful for what we have, we won't feel the need to need anymore.
Confusing! It feels so overly confusing for you now, i can tell, but at least you do have a new therapist coming up, and he can teach you some good coping skills.  
I really hope you get out of the storm cloud soon... Wishing you the best. It's a hard journey, you know. But we all suffer for a reason. The more we suffer means, we are meant for more in life than others once we come out of it.

- Sabrina
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