Confused

I have just recently been assessed for bpd, my therapist never told me he just got me to fill out a questionaire, when i looked it up on the internet thats what it was for, he never told me the results either but he keeps saying things like, i have difficulty regulating emotions and i don't know what emotions i am experiencing and when he asked me who i was i said i didn't know i said i am whoever the people i am with want me to be, he said that is such a classic statement, i will admit i do have mental health issues, i suffer from argraphobia, depression, ocd, panic attacks and PTSD, i will admit i do have alot of the symptoms of bpd but i always thought they had to be extreme i don't see myself as extreme. I am confused about alot of things and my mood changes constantly one hour i am fine and the next i am suicidal it changes so quick, most of the time i don't know how i feel. I go get angry alot and it takes very little to set me of and then that causes me to be suicidal. I adore my therapist one day and then if he upsets me i withdraw from him, in saying that it also takes very little to upset me.
What i'm asking is does this sound like bpd and if it is why won't he tell me? and why now i'm 34yrs old surely they would have picked this up before now, i have been in therapy for 16 years with 5 different therapists.
I am very confused about all this.

[janice150]

I have been in therapy since I was 12. The center I am with right now I have been with for 11 years and they still haven't told me my diagnosis!!! I really don't understand all that, maybe it's because it will stigmatize us? But really when I was in the hospital once someone mentioned that I had BPD so I also looked it up on the internet and it somewhat matched... You would think they would want to tell us so we could know more about our illness?

I believe I have multiple personalities, because of all the different characteristics each of the people inside me seem to have. When I meet with my therapist I talk about the different personalities, but the way you have just described your different emotions I probably just have plan BPD and inside my therapist is just going along with me thinking I have multiple personalities.

If you google BPD you can read the DSM criteria of BPD and see if you have the symptoms. It does sound as though your emotions do get disregulated like someone who has BPD.

I hope this was a little helpful.

[inneedofhelp82]

Thanks it was helpful, i would like him to tell me though but i know what you mean about maybe him not telling me because of how i will react and the stigma of it. He has mentioned alot of stuff that is similar to bpd espically about the lack of identity and sense of self stuff. I do have alot of the symptoms but i think i am afraid to admit it or accept it. My therapist is referring me on for psychotherapy soon as he is a cbt therapist so he thinks i need someone different.
I was really suicidal yesterday and still not feeling good today, i hate this.
Thanks for your help.

[janice150]

I too find myself suicidal almost 24/7. It absolutely *****!!!!! The way I deal with it is to keep moving. The voices in my head are very loud but if I keep moving they seem to quiet down a bit. I severely burnt myself 2 weeks ago with cigarettes, and I am now living with the consequences of that having to take care of the burns every day. Yet every morning I walk a mile, I eat really healthy, I constantly clean. This week at my part time job they had scheduled me off Monday  until today so I took on this project to paint my 15 yr old's son's room. Then I got the idea to clean his carpet, so I rented a machine, it came out so good I cleaned my carpet in my living room. Since Tuesday I have been having 12 hour days. What I'm trying to say is maybe try taking apart a closet, if that's too big start on something smaller. The voices are always there waiting for me to be quiet again so they can reinforce the fact that I should be dead. But I try to do my best to ignore them.

Good Luck and I hope this was helpful.

[inneedofhelp82]

I find the suicidal part the hardest to deal with i was ok for a few weeks and then it just comes back, i go to bed thinking of ways to kill myself and i wake up feeling that way. In the past i have acted impulsively and went missing with the intention of killing myself but the police found me as my therapist called them and the next time my cousin found me and the third time my partner found me and drove into me and put the car of the road then he said he would kill me so that didn't help, i don't trust him anymore and i can't tell him when i feel suicidal because he doesn't allow me to contact my therapist for help.
I will try the keeping moving part but when i am so depressed i am to tired to move but my mind is still racing.
Its so unfair to feel this way as you do to, i feel too that i need to kill myself and something is telling me i need to do it, my therapist said to try distraction as well instead of sitting thinking too much and then acting.
How are your burns now? I cut sometimes but not alot i am afraid i will loose control and cut to deep even though part of me wants to do that to make them see how much i hurt.
Thanks for all your help

[janice150]

I'm glad you found this forum as I am really thankful I have... people outside our world do not understand the world we live in. I totally understand not being able to move because of being too depressed. I layed on the couch for 5 years, same routine every day and I have 4 children. I did get up once and a while and there were weeks when I would get a burst of energy and God I would go crazy because it felt so awesome to be able to move.

That's why i said start on a small project, but I understand that feels overwhelming right now. I too have gone thru going to bed waking up, just suicide thoughts following my every move, how can I do it this time so it works, do I really want it to work, should I do it here just in case I want to be found.... crazy crazy crazy!!!!

Here is something that i feel is helping me now..Do you have an Ipod? Or even if you don't some head phones... go to youtube and start listening to some angry music. I know this sounds nuts but whatever it's helping me. I've been sexually abused, started when I was 4, then walked on and abused my entire life. They tell us the suicidal behavior is about hating ourselves right, well, 6 weeks ago I stooped crying and became this mega *****. The F word comes out of my mouth more than the word "the"!!! lol My 4 children think I have totally lost it, but I feel m,ore in control than I have ever in my life. I don't really experience any other emotion except anger, but I get a lot done, my kids are behaving better than ever, by the way they are 15,19,20,and 24, so they are really not kids. I don't take **** from anyone and it's given me more energy than I've ever had too.

Stay away from sad sappy songs cause they'll feed the depression. Alanis Morrissette is a goood artist, Pink has a few good ones, Push by Matchbox 20 my absolute favorite!! eminem just came out with a new cd and he is actually kind of good. There's a few starters anyway, see how it goes, maybe it'll work for ya.

I went to my PCP yesterday and she was awesome about the burns. Very gentle with me no judgement. I was relieved to say the least. She's having me go to a wound center to have them cleaned they are getting better, thankyou for asking, I appreciate that. Unfortunately, I keep having urges to do it again but I haven't, it just is kinda scarey that I'm actually even considering doing this to myself again!!! You would not even believe what I have to go thru every day to take care of them...but I guess it's all part of being ill.

talk to you again

[inneedofhelp82]

I get that too the burst of energy and i do alot, and at that time my mind is racing and i can't sleep the last time it lasted for two weeks then this week i hit the bottom again.
I get that about hating myself i really hate myself the way i look, act and feel sometimes i look in the mirror and just cry i hate myself so much. Somedays though i feel i am ok, its weird. I get angry alot too and fustrated and i panic alot and spend alot of my time really anxious, i'm weird in the sense of that if i talk about upsetting stuff i panic or i want to kill myself, i should be upset but no i panic.
I was abused as well as a child and as a teenager, and i never told my therapist until recently but i don't cope well with it, i have been trying to remember what he looks like but i can't its scary. I refused to accept it made me this way for a long time, but obviously i wasn't born like this, something happened to leave me like this.
I hope you don't burn yourself again and that they heal well, i'm glad your PCP was good about it, it helps to not be judged.
I do listen to music alot but its stuff like Linkin Park and Evanesence its quite suicidal music, my favourite one is called missing where the person leaves and no one cares that how i feel all the time, no one really cares i'm not important.
The suicidal stuff i can't deal with its hard, the depression is bad enough but then i swing to hyper and thats almost worse. I met a woman at the residental place i went to stay in last weekend for respite and she said i was lucky to not be as depressed as her and i was thinking how can you say i am lucky, at least she knows she will wake up depressed and her medication will work soon, but me i don't know if i will wake up, hyper, depressed or suicidal what is lucky about that.
I will take your advice and try to listen to happier music its worth a try.
Have you ever been free from suicidal thoughts, it scares me to think i will feel like this forever, i drive my poor therapist mad, i thought for a while he was giving up on me but he knows i will feel so rejected by him that he is going to help me for a while longer and then refer me onto psychotherapy i don't want to leave him though. I rang him yesterday and i could hear the panic in his voice, he said i wasn't to act impulsively and get myself in more trouble he said i had to try anything to distract my mind, i have rang him before when i have been missing from home for a long time, telling him i am going to kill myself then i feel bad for bothering him but he was my last hope at times.
I hope your burns are getting better and thankyou for your advice. Take care

[janice150]

I absolutely love Evanesence. my favorite song is My Immortal. My sister was murdered and I think of her and everything we went thru together as she was also raped by my brother and we grew up togeher in totally fkd up lives, then she died when I was 26, I still hear her screaming in my head...

Last December was the first time in my life I have ever experienced life without suicidal thoughts. All I can say is that I somehow came to a decision that I was going to believe and trust in the God I believe in which is Jesus Christ to carry me thru whatever was going to happen...it felt like I was about to jump off a cliff. When I came to my therapist with this it actually made her cry, which she said in all her 17 yrs of being a therapist she had never ever cried in front of a client before.  Something happened to me i truly believed I was getting better. I was trusting the process for the very first time.

I know how bad it is to feel suicidal all the time and no one should have said to you that your lucky "your not as depressed" . People hear my story and say they feel bad cause my story is so much worse, but my response is everyone's pain hurts equally...mine is mine, yours is yours. We can't go around measuring or comparing each others pain. All I can do is relate to it and tell you what my experience is and know that the place i come from has equally sucked!!!

As far as your mood swings go are you on any meds? If not maybe you should suggest that to your therapist. It has done a lot for me over the years, I have gone up and down. Currently in the state I'm in right now I have just added some more just to help the shaking stop from the anger. I have a part-time job, which I need to put food on the table I work with the public, and my thoughts are very angry towards them if they ever came out I would definetly get fired.

I used to listen to Natalie Merchant, she's from the old group 10,000 Maniacs, she went solo and her music is so painful to listen too if you weren't suicidal before you will be after you spend hours upon hours listening to it. I'm not really sure why I constantly did that, I know the voices in my head loved it because it always brought me closer to death. Try to stay away from that crap, would be my advice, it will only hurt not help. The music doesn't have to be happy happy just find another emotion besides wanting to do harm to YOU... not that I want you to kill someone else, lol but, I found that now that my anger is towards the outside of me instead of inward it's helping.

good night for now

[inneedofhelp82]

I won't take medication i am so afraid of the side effects i have tried stuff and been allergic to it, so no more, my therapist keeps telling me i need it and my psychiatrist but i said no so there is nothing they can do unless they section me and they won't i hope, they have said they will if they feel i really need it but i hope not. I stay in a residential place sometimes for people with mental health problems i like it there, you can come and go when you want but it is staffed by mental health nurses so its a good place, my therapist tries to get me there instead of the hospital, he knows if he put me in hospital against my will i would loose all trust in him and he knows how precious his trust is to me.
I love that song My Immortal as well and Bring me to Life, but Missing is my favourite. I like listening to that type of music i get a comfort from it, i shouldn't but i do, sometimes its nice to stay in my world for a while.
Its good you can work, i would like to work but i have small children and i can't not yet anyway.
My outward anger is not good either i don't hurt people but i get really angry and argue alot with my partner.
Your life has been hard thats terrible about your sister, it must be really hard for you to try to deal with all that stuff.
Its good you have found a comfort in God and that helped with the suicidal thoughts, i feel i am stuck with these thoughts always.
I went to town today to see if that helped but i still feel depressed and lost like i feel alone and don't know what to do, but maybe in a few days i will feel better, i see my therapist next week, hopefully that will help too. Talk soonhttp://www.medhelp.org/posts/Borderline-Personality-Disorder/Confused/show/1309399#

[janice150]

So good to hear from you...I'm glad your keeping in touch I think it will help I know it's helping me. Just knowing I'm not alone in this world, not the world everyone else lives in but our world, the one that no one else knows about, I feel comfort that you know about it. That's really too bad about the meds. I know  I suffered from side effects but I just moved on to a different one, finally I found the right combination. You know it takes at least two weeks before the side effects to go away, and I basically put on 100 lbs!!!!! from Seroquel my anti-psycotic which helps with my thoughts. I know that seems like a lot to let happen to my physical being, but it really has been worth the mental stability.

I get why you need to listen to certain songs, that's why I listen to My Immortal, it's me singing to my dead sister... I mean what do I get from it? I don't really know, but somedays I just have that need to listen to it over and over and over. I know it's not always healthy, but somedays I just go there anyways.

I'm glad you got to get out today even if you still felt depressed and lost, you still moved beyond your comfort zone and that's what's important.  You lived today, and that in itself is a miracle!! Don't down yourself for not working I didn't do a lot of outside working when the kids were little, how old are they and how many do you have?

It's good to hear you have the residential place to go to, I wish I had a place like that. Right now my therapist has cancer and she's not very available and whatever I'm just where I am. I'm also glad you get to see your therapist this week. I see mine or at least I'm supposed to see mine every week, but since the cancer I didn't see her last week she was sick from the chemo, so who knows about this week. And now my psychiatrist wants to see me every 2 weeks cause of the burns so I see him this week.

Talk to you soon, keep your chin up... one breath at a time, stay alive it's important to the kids even if it's not important to you... I get that. Trust me I get that...

[inneedofhelp82]

Its strange how i always thought my world was normal but its not, i never thought of bpd until he gave me that from to fill out, i have always had anxiety and panic attacks, but this year i got worse, i guess all the past has got to much and came to the surface.
I am so glad i am talking to you i know i'm not alone and that our world is real to us even if other people don't understand. My therapist doesn't specialize in bpd he was treating me for anxiety and PTSD but he always felt like he was missing something, then he gave me the questionaire and i googled what was it used for and it is to test for personaility disorders, he never gave me the results but he says different things like i don't know how to regulate my emotions, i am impulsive, i am very sensitive to rejection so much so he won't refer me on yet because i feel rejected by him, he also said i seem to lack a sense of self and who i am i said yeah, i said i am whoever the people i am with want me to be and he said that is such a classic statement he didn't say classic about what though. Its only when i really think about it do i realize that i am not normal my mind is strange, normal people don't go to bed thinking of ways to kill themselves. Hopefully you will be able to see your therapist more, would you be able to get a different one if you needed? At least your psychiatrist still see's you. People tell me i have a lot of support but to me it never feels enough i always feel lost and alone.
Like you i play the same songs over and over again, i listened to Natalie Merchant ,My Skin its a beautiful song its played on a video in you tube about bpd i like her music, i also listened to Evanesence alot today, i should be trying to bring myself up not down.
I have six children they are 17yrs old, 14yrs, 11yrs, 7yrs, 3yrs and 1 1/2 yrs, so i am busy. Thankyou for talking to me it really helps to feel not alone its nice to talk to someone who knows what i feel. Talk soon

[janice150]

Hey girl, I hope your weekend went ok. I worked a lot and got my period, my body feels like it got hit by a truck, after having those babies periods really kill. Emotionally, the older I get periods do a real job on my head. My kids still think I'm a major ***** I just think I'm standing my ground. My 24 yr old lives with me right now, she's a school teacher looking for a place to live, evryone calls her my mother, she has spent most of her life mothering me cause of all the suicide attempts and the depression periods when I couldn't get out of bed. But then when I'm fine I want her out of my way, it's been very difficult for her. Plus to top it all off in 2005 she had a brain tumor, and it has caused many health problems since. It screwed her hormones up big time, it was non cancerous, but has been a major problem for her mentally. my 20 yr old doesn't live here she has her own place and my 19 yr old is leaving in a few weeks off to college, which will leave me here with my almost 16 yr old who is majorly addicted to weed.

You definitely have your hands full with all those children...and I can see why the panic attcks happen. When they come for me, I go to my bedroom and I pace back and forth in a panic until I finally start to cry because I have no idea who to call. I feel as though there is no one in the world who will understand, I do have one friend I can call who can bring me down, but it always seems like when I need her the most she's never available... I try to pay attention to my breathing, that's what they teach in DBT, which is a group for people who have BPD. I never made it through the entire 6 weeks, I'm a tough patient to deal with. The training is a 6 week course many people with BPD just keep taking it over and over because you get the tools but using them is another story, so they keep taking the course to learn how to implement them.

My past too has come to the surface. So much more this time, that that is why I think I'm not feeling anything but rage.. the emotions were so overwhelming that I felt like I was going to disappear into them and go completely crazy, then somehow I ended up here. Funny though, my therapist and psychatrist think it's all about her cause she has cancer, when indeed it has absolutely nothing to do with her, it's all about my past.

I'm supposed to see her today. That is if she isn't sick again. Not realy in the mood for it, but I have no choice, it's part of my conditional discharge from the hospital. I was committed 2 years ago, they let u out right away on the condition that you don't hurt yourself, take your meds and see your therapist. The hospital here is a joke, it's just a place they hold you, they don't help you at all. It's very sad.

I know I'm not being very helpful today, but it's just where I am today. Thanks for writing and keeping in touch, I look forward to seeing that every day.

janice  

[inneedofhelp82]

You are helpful, just talking to someone who understands is helpful believe me i have no one who really understands me either, i don't talk to my partner as he gets angry when i get suicidal and that doesn't help me, i sometimes call my therapist or social worker but if i am not in the mood for talking i won't call anyone. I seem to panic for no reason i panicked last night in bed and didn't sleep until 4am then my social worker called this morning but i told her i was ok, but really i'm still feeling bad i just couldn't be bothered telling her what can she do.
At least your daughter is there for you when you need her.
The hospital here isn't much use either i was just put there, i feel so that my therapist knew where and i was and that i couldn't kill myself because they took everything from me, and i wasn't allowed to shower alone or basically be alone, i wanted to go outside and they wouldn't let me, i felt like a prisoner.
Hopefully your daughter won't have any more problems with the tumor, that must have been hard to go through as well.
I am so tired today i don't want to do much but my family want to go to the lakes its a beauty spot near here i used to like it there until i decided thats where i would kill myself and my partner drove into me there and put me into the ditch so it holds bad memories for me now, i kind of feel like he makes me go there as a punishment to remind me of what i did, i don't need reminding, in my head i plan it again only in a place where they can't find me.
The past is hard to deal with i agree, did you tell your therapist it wasn't her that made you feel worse that it was something else.
I have trouble telling them how i feel, half time i don't know myself, i just don't feel right.
In bed i was actually planing to get up and get into the car and just disappear, i know though it causes to much stress to those that are left looking for me. I actually feel sorry for my therapist in those times he looks upset and i can't deal with that, i need him to remain calm when i am going mad, my social worker is calmer but she would be quicker to admit me to hospital even though she knows i am afraid, i have known my therapist longer than i have known her so he knows me better and lets me away with more, she would be quicker to try to control me which she shouldn't do, i don't like people trying to control me it just makes me angry.
I hope you have a good day today and thanks for being there for me, i look forward to hearing from you as well.

[janice150]

Panic attacks don't seem to have any reason for coming on for me either they just seem to come... but try paying attention to your breathing like I suggested, let me know if that's possible for you. Focusing on something besides the fear is what helps us come back to the planet.

I understand you not wanting to tell anyone about the suicidal feeling, mostly your partner. It gets them discouraged in you which only precipitates more suicidal thoughts, NOT HELPFUL... But trusting in your therapist should be your goal, I mean after all that's what they are there for. I get why you don't want to tell the social worker. Here we call emergency services when the therapist isn't available and they hospitalize me when I say "boo", and the hospital does the same here, they don't let me do anything alone, shower, pee, nothing it's very humiliating. I absolutely hate it there and will go to any lengths not to go. It's really too bad cause that's usually where I belong to get regulated so that I no longer feel suicidal or at least feel less, so that I can function again.

When your in bed and feel that way, go on the computer talk about what's going on inside your thoughts, even if they're crazy, who cares, getting them out of your head, maybe then you can go back to bed and try to get some rest again. We're all out here feeling the same way, it's not like any of u would be like OMG she's really sick or anything.

I'm going to visit my sister in-law for a couple of days. My brother dies of aids from a heroine addiction 19 yrs ago. She lives with aids has 3 kids. They live an hour away but rent a cottage every year on a lake near me so I going to go visit. I just reconnected with her after 6 years, I feel really blessed that I have, because I don't have any real connection to my blood family, they all treat me like dirt because they think I should pull myself up by the boot straps and stop being so depressed. My dad is the only one who gets it.

I'll talk to you when I get back take care till then...

[inneedofhelp82]

That sounds nice i hope you have a good time, its good to have family that you are in contact with, sometimes families are very stressful i have alot of relatives but none of them bother with me and i don't really care.
Its an ok day i was with my therapist he talked about rejection and how i feel about it whether it is real or perceived, i told him i just don't bother with people so then i can't be rejected. He said all the years of abuse have left me basically messed up and my thinking wrong, i get what he is saying about rejection though i feel that alot and i don't take it very well. Anyway i found him interesting today and that he actually understands me at last, i wonder how long that will last for until he upsets me again and then i back away.
I'm lucky in the sense that i have only been hospitialized once, i won't call the out of hours numbers because they would hospitalize me because they don't know me like my therapist does and i won't tell them what i'm feeling i'm too scared. My social worker is good but sometimes i'm afraid of her too, i like the fact though that they don't judge me and they are there for me.
My partner is stressing me as usual he really doesn't help just makes me more angry and then i want to run.
I really hope you enjoy your time away, take care.

[janice150]

Hey, back to the routine today. My head hurts from drinking too much while I was gone. I had a rally good time, Met a guy and slept with him both nights. We didn't have sex but did fool around all night. It was a feeling a hadn't had in a very long time. I haven't kissed a man in 7 years... I can't stop thinking of him, unfortunately he's a loser, which is always what I get. He's my sister in-laws brother hes addicted to cocaine, and I should run far far in the opposite direction but of course I can't stop thinking of saving him..I'm such a freakin loser myself.

Not really sure where I am today mentally, too many emotions flying outside my body that I want allow in.

Gotta go now, I need to go for my walk and I have an appt. with the wound center today to clean up the cigarette burns on my stomach, so I gotta start moving.

talk to you soon.

[inneedofhelp82]

Hi, glad to have you back, at least you had a good time, don't be so hard on yourself about him you are entitled to enjoy yourself.
How are the burns, are they getting better?
Not sure how i feel either, pretty numb i think i am just depressed, i was with my social worker today and i just cried for ages, made such a fool of myself, i also told my therapist to much information about my sexual past and i was so embarassed, he said it was a coping mechanism for all the abuse i had suffered, he said i just had sex with everyone before they could hurt me, it makes sense i guess. Anyway they don't really want me talking about the abuse until i change therapist because they don't know how to handle me after, i tend to be impulsiveness so i guess that are right to be scared.
Anyway my social worker is of now for two weeks i will feel lost without her, she is a good support.
I am glad your back and had a good time.

[janice150]

So your therapist is leaving? Why? i don't understand...I too had sex with everyone, but not quite sure why, you said it was a coping mechanism? hmmm that's interesting, because yesterday that's all I could think of was that guy. But last night my sister in-law let me know it was just a one time thing don't get my hopes up for some romantic relationship cause it isn't gonna happen. I'm relieved and frustrated at the same time, but at least today I won't be obsessing about him all day which is good.

Yesterday at work I got sat down and talked to because a customer reported me saying "that's bullsht" in the front of the store. They said to me that this is the closest I could come to being fired and if something like this occurs again I could be. I've been there for almost 7 years and have always been a cashier the managers have loved and now I'm a terror. I really don't know what's happening. Today I have to work 8 and 1/2 hours which is probably the longest shift they've ever given me and I'm really nervous cause I'm so tired, I just hope I behave myself, plus it's saturday which is the busiest day of the week, send good thoughts my way that I make it thru ok without losing my job. I need it to feeed my kids.

So sorry you felt embarrassed about letting go of that info to your therapist. Isn't that what we're supposed to do? But I get why they would be scared, having all that trauma come to the surface and then your social worker go on vaca for 2 weeks, not having support around, that's very scary. It's too bad you leve in another country or I would give you my number, not that I would be great support, but at least I would be someone you could call. Someone you could trust not to put you in the hospital and just listen.

Feel free to write more than one post at a time, you don't have to wait for me to respond in between, if your feeling lonely or crazy or whatever, just sit and type, it might help.

Talk to you tomorrow.

[inneedofhelp82]

I don't type so much because my partner reads everything, i forgot to delete my history today and he read all this stuff, then he tells me he can't cope with me anymore, the funny thing is i am easy to cope with, i keep alot of stuff to myself and if he is upset its his problem for reading it. I could act out what i feel what would he do then, i would like to see him cope then.
My therapist said i have too many issues for him to deal with and he isn't trained to deal with it safely by that he means he can't stop me trying to kill myself. My social worker gave me the same talk yesterday about safety issues and to not to do anything that will upset me and leave me suicidal, just being here with my partner leaves me suicidal.
Its since i filled out the questionaire that he decided i need psychotherapy as he is a cbt therapist. I really don't want to leave him, he has been there for me through everything and i trust him and i know he doesn't judge me, also i was sexually assaulted last year and he has been good in dealing with the police as they gave me a hard time and they took my notes from my therapist because i wouldn't give them any information, the polcie have to contact my therapist before they contact me which is a good thing.
I hope your day at work goes well, try to be calm if you can i have to bite my lip many times to say nothing when i am out places.
I am trying to be calm today with my partner although i could scream at him for looking at my stuff.
I am leaving my children at my mothers for a while she goes into hospital tomorrow for an operation and i know she doesn't want me anymore but she still loves my children, i tried to call her to wish her well but she has changed her phone number, so that proves it all.
I hope all is well with you. Take care

[janice150]

Things sound really rough for you right now, but you sound like you are doing the best to you ability. Giving the kids to your mom, even though she's not speaking to you will give you a break, just be sure to be good to yourself during the alone time, NO SELF INJURY OR SUICIDAL TEMPTATION!!! Sorry I screamed it's just I need you right now so no dissapearing on me, got that girl!!

That ***** you were assaulted last year, been there done that too many times in my life that I care to remember... mostly in my teens. Last time I was raped was when I was 20, at the beach, my sister that was murdered was about 20 ft away having sex with another guy, guess she didn't hear my screams cause we were both so drunk. Anyway, was a long time ago.

Got up this morning to no water in my apartment, the pump broke to the water main. The kids went to the cottage yesterday and had a really great time, so after I work this morning I guess we are going back. My family has the place all this week, so we will probably be visiting a lot. I'm kind of nervous about seeing that guy because I finally stopped obsessing over him and now when I see him all those stupid feelings are going to come back again. It's like an addiction for me and I hate it. I love sex, not sure why, I've been taken advantage from such a young age with it you'd think it would be the last thing on earth i'd ever won't to do and instead I crave it 24/7. It's crazy!!!

Well gotta get ready for work, hang in there today, sorry your partner read your sht, that's one of the reasons I don't keep a journal, cause someone read my stuff. It made me feel like I was being raped again somehow...whatever. Please, please, be good to yourself while your kids are away today.

talk to you soon.

[inneedofhelp82]

Thats terrible what happened to you and your sister, rape is the worst thing i know that its happened me several times and i would still have sex with random people, my therapist said being raped leaves you like that you look for the abuse over again.
I went into mum's yesterday she was on her own, she didn't talk much she only let me be there because of my children, then today i went back to collect my daughter who stayed overnight, and my father wouldn't even stay in the same room as me, i don't understand why they hate me so much. She went into hospital today for an operation which takes place tomorrow, so i wanted to see her even though she didn't want to see me.
I feel ok today, depressed but ok for now anyway, i still get the suicidal thoughts but not as much, we took our children out to the lakes today it was ok there but i don't know it brings back bad memories for me.
Will you see that guy again if you go to the cottage? I know what you mean though about the obessing i do that with my therapist i don't want to leave him and think about it all the time.
I hope your day went well and your weekend. I am really tired today i think its all the stress of my mother.
Take care

[janice150]

Sorry it's been a couple of days, hope all is well with you. I stayed at the cottage Monday and then Tuesday George stayed at my house. He's getting really close to me, but our lifestyles are completely different. He lives in the city where there is mad congestion and bars and drugs and the whole crazy scene. I live in the country, in a huge town, the only thing here is a gas station and it's five miles away.

The only men I've ever attracted are those addicted to something, he's addicted to cocaine, only been clean for a couple of weeks.  This is the point where I should be a mature responsible adult and run far far away in the opposite direction, but because of the sexual drive inside I don't. I don't know why I'm being so fkn stupid, I hate this merry go round, I rode on it for 17 yrs, you'd think I learned my lesson, and here I am again playing with fire all over again!!! UGH!!!!!

Good to hear your mood shifted a little. don't get why our family members have to be such A-holes to us, by ignoring us, like our depression is contagagious or that we're just bad people for not getting over it in the first place.

I know if my family finds out about me getting involved with George, they will be furious, because he's the brother of my brother's wife who died from a heroine addiction. Which means he's from a bad circle of no good losers...and they will be why don't I just learn my lesson, they don't get that it's all part of a sickness they draws me in from my awful reality that I will do anything not to deal with.

Gotta go, stay safe, talk to you soon...

[inneedofhelp82]

Hi, if it works for you now with him then its ok as long as you don't get hurt, take care of yourself. Yeah families are stressful, my mum had her operation all is well i was supposed to visit her today but its a long drive and i panic so i wouldn't go and my partner wouldn't take me so now i feel bad, i know she doesn't really want me but i feel i have to go.
Therapy went ok i think he said i have severe personality issues he said they were really obvious from the questionaire i filled out but thats all he said well that and that i need psychotherapy to deal with it. I rang him today i am stressed again, my head is buzzing he didn't seem interested which now puts him away from me i am angry at him, i hate that, he said try distraction, the man obviously doesn't care or understand.
I get upset when i think of leaving him, it will never work i won't cope. My social worker is of for two weeks so i feel even more alone.
I wish he would have said what type of personality issues i know he described bpd but he won't say it, its stressing me.
The police were here yesterday as well, to do with when i was assaulted last year, they are useless, my partner got really angry with him and was very rude, they questioned my kids about the day in January when i went missing with the intention of killing myself, they think i was with another man, my god these people are stupid.
I hope you are ok and will be ok with your new man maybe the sexual feelings will pass and your head will rule. Take care

[janice150]

I wonder what he meant about the personality issues. Did I tell you at the beginning that I have multiple personality disorder? There are 8 of them, my children know all about it they can even tell when more than one come out and sometimes see 3 in one conversation. That's why I don't think I have Bpd or at least I am not really sure, it may also be an underlying disorder as well. Explain to me more about your feelings I may be able to help. I've been living with this for a while, about 15 years ago when people started calling the other personalities different names at work I was confused, then while I was in therapy I started to discuss it and she helped me figure it all out. As much as it was a relief to find out why I couldn't remember certain times of my life or why I would be soooo totally different, like walk different, different morals, different everything, it did sort of make me crazy at the same time. I have no control when someone else comes out and I have no control to switch back to someone else.

Talk to you soon, tell me more about what's going on...

[inneedofhelp82]

I don't know what he meant, he said from the questionaire he learnt alot about me, he said i have trouble regulating and recognizing emotions, i am impulsive, i get suicidal when all my feelings become too much, half time i don't know what i am feeling, i am anxious all the time, depressed or sometimes i am ok. I get angry over the slightest comment, i break things when i am angry or throw things. I have a fear of being abandoned by people which is why i don't have any friends, i also feel like no one likes me anyway so why bother, i get hurt to easy, i am overly sensitive, i have been hurt by comments my therapist has made and he never knew he done anything wrong, and now when he wants to refer me to psychotherapy i feel like he is rejecting me and he knows that because he asked me would i feel rejected by him i said yes and i would feel hurt. Normal people shouldn't feel hurt by their therapist i don't think they should anyway. Have you ever been hurt by your therapist.
Yeah you told me you had multiple personality disorder, is that hard to deal with? Are all your personalities different?
I know i fit the critera for bpd but he never said it directly but someone told me that sometimes therapists won't tell you if you have that. I think i should ask him but the other day when i asked him the results of the questionaire he just said i had severe personalities issues and that i needed psychotherapy and that he can't help me with it. I don't want to leave him though i won't cope without  him i an afraid i will react badly to the new therapy and then act on my suicidal feelings.
I am so fed up with it all now i really want an answer. How are things with you? Take care

[janice150]

I had a therapist for 5 years that gave me a 2 week notice. He decided to go into carpentry. I haven't seen him for 3 years I think, yet he had left me a message on my phone and I still have it there. Sometimes when I feel out of control or just really lonely I listen to his voice. I just told my therapist a couple of months ago and i thought she was going to think i was in love with him or that i was crazy or something but actually she was quite understanding why i still had him there. Your feelings about this therapist are quite normal too, he's a safe harbor for you, someone you can turn too. Trust me, it may take some time with the new one but it will happen for you again, it will just take time.

As far as your emotions being all over the place, it's just part of the illness. You've been through an awful lot of trauma. That's what he's talking about when he says not being regulated, you don't react to the situation at hand your reacting to maybe a past feeling when you don't even know it, feelings just come out all over the place and it's just difficult to control them. Especially cause you won't take meds, I mean I understand your hesitation not too, but girl, it's making the situation sooooo much harder on yourself and those around you than it should be. meds could do so much for you, help you not be so out of control and not be so suicidal. But if this is the way you need to go, you need to stay as close to support as possible so you don't go hurting yourself. Talk on here as much as possible, cause I know on the outside you don't have family and friends that understand cause neither do I, and the respite house too.

I have totally felt hurt by my therapist. I have been in such bad fkn places and she's known it yet she doesn't call to check on me or when I leave a message she doesn't call back. If you fit the criteria of bpd of you don't does it really matter? What matters is that things are out of control, just concentrate on that and getting better... It will definitely be hard switching to a new therapist but you can do it, I promise you, I've done it, we've all done it and we've survived. It won't be easy in fact it will be one of the hardest things to do, but you can do it!!!!!

Talk to you soon...

[inneedofhelp82]

Its not right that your therapist hasn't called you back its unfair, sometimes i have called mine too and left a message and he never called back and then i feel so hurt so i know what you mean. Is there someone else you can speak to, do you have a psychiatrist as well?
I never understood what he meant by not being able to regulate emotions so thanks for explaining that part, it makes alot of sense though, now i need to find a way to sort it out but i think i'll be like this forever which scares me. I know medication would help but i am so afraid of it. I know what does work though, when my therapist actually listens to me that helps but i guess he's not perfect either and he can't help and i have to accept it. It would be easier if i could just blank him out and forget him but i can't.
I can understand how hurt you would feel by your therapist who left that would be hard. I would do that to if i had a voice message from my therapist, i think when i leave him i will still want to call him so badly, yeah he is my safe person the safest person i ever had. I know it doesn't really matter if they say directly that i have bpd but i'm so obssessed with knowing everything about my illness. I meet with him on Tuesday and the psychiatrist after so that should be interesting they will advise medication again and talk about keeping safe its not really helpful i still wake up feeling depressed or out of control or i want to run away thats really not normal.
I think i will ask him to make the referral soon as its not going to get any easier i  just obsess about it.
How are you keeping these days, i hope all is well. Thanks for your help. Take care

[janice150]

Hi again, I'm having a really bad day... after I went for my walk today I was watching this program and out of the blue I started crying and having all these flashbacks and everything came crashing in. I started having a panic attack. I started cleaning, took a shower took some medication listened to some music, now I just feel like the weight of the world is on my chest and I feel suicidal. I've slept for 4 hours and i'm fkn starvin.. I shouldn't be hungry, I don't even know why I am... I hate this I hate being sick I'm just sick of this over and over and over!!!!

[inneedofhelp82]

Hi, sorry you are having such a bad time, panic attacks are awful really scary i listen to music too when i am scared. Was it the program that triggered it? Is there someone you can call, what time is it with you?
I am here to listen if you need to talk, you can pm if you want sometimes its easier to say more stuff then, i am here if you need me, eat something and try and rest if you can, i'll be thinking of you. Take care

[inneedofhelp82]

Hi, how are you today? I hope you are feeling better. Take care

[janice150]

Good morning it's 8:20 am here. I wish I could say it's really a good morning but I'm still feeling out of control. My kids are stresssing me out really bad and I can't fkn handle it!!! I need a walk today and it's raining, I don't know what to do with myself and I want to burn again... I'm going to see my therapist in a couple of hours but i feel like she's going to make me feel worse, sometimes that happens. I wish I could just run away, but i don't know where to go.

i will talk to you when i get back

[inneedofhelp82]

Hi, i hope your therapist can help, please talk to her and don't burn yourself.
I know how you feel i want to run all the time as well but that makes it worse for me it does anyway. Do you know what triggered you to feel so bad?
I will be on and of here most of the day so if you need me i am here. Take care

[janice150]

It's not raining today so I get to go for a walk. I really need it, it helps I don't know why but it does. I did end up burning myself which means my therapist is probably going to put me in the hospital. She wanted to put me in yesterday because I told her I was cutting but I told her no, she made a deal with me that if I came to see her every day this week she wouldn't put me in, but now that I ended up burning myself she probably will.
I thought my relationship with George was over because he didn't call me for a couple of days, and then he called me last night. He made me laugh and feel good and then I really wished I hadn't done that to myself. Everything just made me overwhelmed, every time my kids talked to me it was like I was being shocked by electricity, it was painful, I feel like I have nothing to give to anyone and I just feel like screaming leave me the fk alone!!!! Even though they're young adults they act like they're 5 years old and they frustrate the sht out of me!!!
How are you doing?? Have you started seeing your new therapist yet? Let me know...

[inneedofhelp82]

I hope you are feeling better and i am glad your therapist is there for you everyday, sorry you burned i hope you are ok. I get that though if you thought it was over with him it hurt you and you acted they way you did because you were hurt, you know that already though. When i fight with my partner i want to run and i get too many emotions and i don't know what to do, sometimes i get so angry and i wreck things or sometimes i run or sometimes i just cry, my therapist said to stick with the crying its less damaging.
Children are stressful mine drive me mad sometimes and they all want different things from me and i can't cope sometimes.
I was with my therapist this morning and he said i have a personality disorder but he doesn't want to label me as he said it can cause problems for people, he said psychotherapy will help me alot and he is going to help prepare me for psychotherapy by helping me recognize my emotions and learn me how to cope with them better. It was an ok morning but i still feel depressed underneath and i see my psychiatrist in half an hour i am anxious i want to ask him about my personality disorder as my therapist didn't want to give to much away.
I hope you have a better day and that you get on ok with your therapist. Talk soon Take care

[inneedofhelp82]

I'm back again, i nearly lost it today i just got the urge to drive of the road, after i left the psychiatrist. I am so depressed and fed up and confused i want to run but can't i don't want to hurt my family anymore. I called my therapist he told me to come see him on Friday again, i keep thinking though he doesn't want to help me anymore, why do i think that? The psychiatrist thinks i should stay with him because i need him and my therapist wants me to go to psychotherapy so i think he wants rid of me. I am so tired now with all the planning and fighting with myself, so depressed.

[janice150]

Don't you just hate all that turmoil in your head, it drives me MADDDDD!!!!!! It's like all these different people are in conflict and you don't know who to pay attention to, and then there are the people on the outside of us telling us what to do that is completely opposite of what's going on inside our heads and it gets even more confusing...it's so fkn tiring!!! I think that's why I get so depressed because I have no energy to deal with the outside world because I'm trying so hard to deal with my inside world, sorting out all my feelings and thoughts, always trying to figure out what I should and shouldn't do, it gets so freakin confusing!!!!
I feel more grounded today...I have no idea why, except that I kept listening to this song. It's called "The Story" by Brandi Carlisle she rocks out and I don't know it helped me and I cried yesterday in a good friends arms for about 2 minutes, I hate, absolutely hate to cry, because I feel so totally out of control, but I guess maybe it helped a little, cause today i'm not feeling too too bad anymore. But check that song out, I think you'll like it. No driving off the road today, although I know exactly how you feel, been there many times... talk to you soon!!

[inneedofhelp82]

I am so tired today and i didn't get up until lunchtime, i still feel agitated today and unsettled, my children are stressing me, its not their fault though. My partner also senses all is not well either.
How are things going with you?
I will listen to the song, i was telling my therapist the music i like but i think he thought it wasn't a good choice it makes me worse.
I used to never cry but lately everytime i see my therapist or social worker i cry at them and i get so close to loosing control its scary, they would really lock me up.
I have been listening to Linkin Park alot espically a song called Numb, have you heard it.
I am glad you are feeling a bit better. I hope you have a good day. Take care

[janice150]

Hi I usually write to you in the morning but i've had a really bad day. I was full of energy got a lot of cleaning done and felt like I was back in control, probabably because I was going to call George and see if he would sleep over tonight. When he called his sister answered and told me he never came home last night which meant he went back to his exgirlfriend and probably did cocaine with her. It destroyed me. I told myself this might happen and i wouldn't let it get to me i would just go back to my life as it was before and instead I was completely crushed. All day I've just been wanting to take all the pills i've been hoarding and just sleep forever. Sorry I'm laying this on you I'm just so down I needed to get it out of me and tell someone how bad I was feeling, someone who wouldn't lock me up... I'll check out that Linkin Park song...

[inneedofhelp82]

Hi, its ok you can say whatever you want to me i'm not sure i'm much help though.
Sorry to hear that about you and George, don't let it destroy you, i understand how bad you feel though, it hurts i know. If you can you need to find a better way to cope with the feelings, do you see your therapist tomorrow, maybe she can help.
In saying that you don't really know that he has went back to his ex, but maybe thats just me trying to be positive. Do you have a friend you can call if it gets too bad?
Please take care of yourself, these things in happen in life, you need to put yourself first and keep yourself safe, please talk soon and be careful. Take care

[janice150]

I talked to his sister late last nite and he didn't do any cocaine...Thank goodness for that but he did go over to her house, so I don't really know where I am about that. It's 5:30 am here I don't sleep much about 4-5 hours a nite when I'm in bed I toss and turn and I look at the clock a lot waiting to get up. I got up at 4:45 same as yesterday. I get to go to work today, I'm suppose to see my psychatrist today but I'm really not in the mood for him so I think I'm not going to do it, it's a long ride and he'll just **** me off anyway, so what's the point.
I listened to that Linkin Park song I loved it, great choice, I want to download it to my Ipod it will be a good song to walk to, I like to walk to angry songs and pound the pavement...so thanks for sharing. Did you get a chance to listen to that song I suggested? I can't stop listening to it....

How are things going for you, is your depression any better?

[inneedofhelp82]

How did it go with your psychiatrist? I had a bad day, my partner was driving me mad he was trying to get a fight started over anything so i just went to bed i can't cope with him, i wanted to leave so badly but i have no where to go and i can't leave my children.
I hope you are able to sort it out with your man.
I don't sleep so well either.
I have my therapist tomorrow, i went to the gym yesterday and i saw him there i was embarassed but he waved at me which helped, i usually just ignore him but i spoke this time.
I hope your day was good, i have my interview tonight for the course i applied for i am nervous. Take care

[janice150]

I didn't see my psychiatrist yesterday, I blew him off my feelings were way out of control and if i saw him it would of just made things worse. So I took two seroquel and slept most of the afternoon away. my therapist called and yelled at me but I just took it in stride, blew her off too. It felt wonderful to get back to work, it's like a different world to me, I become someone else, free of pain and my reality it just helps to get away from it all, but on the way home it all came crashing back I started shaking like i was just going to crumble into a million pieces, so i took my son for a driving lesson, the distraction helped and then I came home and slept for the rest of the day.
So you signed up for a course...I actually was going to go back to college in July, registered and got my books and everything, then I freaked out and had my daughter drop out for me. I couldn't handle it. It was just too overwhelming for me. But now school will be starting and I'm going to be home most days with nothing to do and it scares the sht out of me, I don't do boredom very well. I'm joining the gym in the fall too so i'll probably live there. My man still hasn't called, i thought i could handle this whole thing but my heart hurts a lot more than i anticipated over him, it *****... I don't understand why everybody always ends up leaving me...
When do you start with your new therapist? Good luck today with your interview!!!

[inneedofhelp82]

Its not your fault you aren't with him anymore, its just the way things happen, people change and they do different things so don't stress its not you.
I don't do boredom well either is just gives me ideas to do things that i really shouldn't be doing. I was with my therapist today, he gave me a list of emotions and asked me to describe them to him, well i couldn't and i said i really don't know, so he is going to learn me about emotions and try to help me regulate the emotions i have instead of over reacting to them, he is an amazing man i am so glad i have him but i know i will have to leave him soon and that hurts. I won't see the new one for a few months i think my therapist wants me more stable before i see someone else.
The gym is good i went to mine on Wednesday it helped release some of my nervous energy but i was wrecked when i left, its good for the mind though.
I hope you will be ok and remember i am here, i know i am far away but i am still here for you.
When do you see your therapist again, i'm glad you took everything in your stride with your therapist and psychiatrist.
I took my kids shopping today for school uniforms that helped, it was good to get out of the house for a while. They go back to school next week i am glad in a way its less stressful when they are at school.
I hope you had a good day, talk soon. Take care

[janice150]

I don't know where I am... my emotions keep going all over the place. I feel in control and then I feel totally out of control, it's crazy and it's driving me maddd!!! My period is due in a week and I feel really fat, I absolutely hate feeling fat it's one of my worst emotions to feel because it makes me feel less than. I grew up with 6 brothers and 2 sisters, and my brothers constantly heckled my about my weight, then I was married twice and both my husbands let me know the my gaining weight would impact the marriage, My second husband actually stopped having sex with me when I got on seroquel because I had gained so much weight!!!
I really need to get high today i smoke marijuana it helps me relax and I haven't had it for a while. my son got some yesterday and I need to find some time today to smoke it. My oldest daughter whose 24 is totally against drugs and disapproves of me smoking it and she'll be around all day today so I don't know when I'll be able to do it. do u guys smoke over there? It's very common over here...illegal but very common.
I didn't realize u weren't separating from your therapist for another couple of months. That's great that you have so much time to get used to the idea, I only got a 2 week notice when my last therapist left me, and God that was absolutely horrible. Especially because e were with each other for like 6 or 7 years!!
My therapist now has cancer and she doesn't see many clients she's gone bald now from the chemo, and she only works a couple days a week. I don't even acknowledge the fact that she's going through it. I know that sounds mean, but I just can't go there with her, I've been seeing her for 3 years now I've known her for 10 years but I just can't, I feel liike everybody leaves me and if she was to die, well, I just can't get emotionally involved I guess, I don't know, It's fkd up.
I'm taking my son school shopping today, most of his clothes we've bought on line, he doesn't wear a uniform. He goes back to school on Wednesday. My third daughter moves into college next sunday and then I'll be spending my days home alone. A small part of me looks forward to it and a part of me is scared to death.. We'll see...
On to another day.. I work later for 5 hours, which is good, I got 20 hours this week, I'm very happy about it, time away from home and I need the money.
Hope u enjoy your day...take care.

[inneedofhelp82]

I was supposed to leave my therapist at the beginning of the summer but i got so upset and my last suicide attempt was in June so i think he thought it was too much for me to cope with, he was afraid i would try again and succeed this time.
My social worker was trying to get me to leave him quicker she said i need to start psychotherapy soon but she doesn't understand how attached i am to him, but he does, he knows how much i depend on him.
I have had a lot of hassle with the police and the assault i reported to them and then my parents have basically disowned me and my partner is no treally supportive he casues a lot of stress and well my therapist knows this and he knows i only really have him and my social worker and now that he has just told me i have a personality disorder he maybe thinks i need him for a while longer.
I can see why you feel that way about your therapist and i hope she will be ok and you don't have the stress of loosing her as well. I don't think your being mean about it, your just trying to protect yourself from getting hurt.
My partner hassles me about my weight as well but i don't care, he isn't perfect so he shouldn't judge me, it hurts though i know.
My brother smokes alot of weed or we call it dope, he even got arrested for having it, i don't touch drugs but i am afraid of everything thats why.
One of my children starts school on Tuesday and the other two on Wednesday and my daughters baby will be born next Friday hopefully if not before that, i don't cope very well with the stress and i am really anxious about her having to give birth, she is only 17 but i was her age when she was born but she is going to return to school in October so things will be better for her then they were for me.
Will you just have one of your children at home then? I dread it when all mine will have moved away they are the only things that keep me going otherwise i would have given up long ago.
I hope you have a good day at work, i am thinking of applying for a part time job but i'm not sure i would cope with it, i would like the distraction though and the chance to meet other people.
I need to go shopping today but i'm to tired i will see what happens. Take care

[janice150]

OMG I can't believe you are going to be a grandmother!!!! No wonder you're so stressed out!!! You have so much going on and no support...Thank God your therapist was willing to stay by your side a little longer until you got more stable. After school starts will you have any kids at home during the day? My oldest daughter got a place to live and then when her sister was moving her in their were mice running around every where so two days later she moved back home. So next Sunday my third daughter leaves for college which will leave me with just my 24 yr old and my 16 yr old son. My oldest is a high school teacher and my son goes to high school which will leave me home alone all day...
I called George last night but he's ignoring me,guess he can't handle the pressure of saying he screwed up, one minute I'm fine about it the next I'm so freakin hurt I want to commit suicide!!!! That's the way I went to sleep last night, just wanting to end it all, just tired of continuing to try over and over again and always seeming to lose in the end. Always ending up in the same dismal hopeless place. I feel like my recovery is 2 steps forward ten steps back all the fkn time... I"m just so tired of it.
I'm so glad you're hear to tell all this to cause no one understands my pain and I know you get it. As much as I try to tell other people they say things like it will get better, or it will be all right, but it just doesn't help...but I know you get it...I know you understand how deep it goes, and that sometimes it just doesn't feel like it's going to get better..
Anyway, off to another day, I have to go get ready for work, jump into my smiley face for the customers, into that other reality that takes me away from this one..
Have a good one.

[inneedofhelp82]

I find its hard to put on a face for other people it makes me so tired i have to do it when other people are around or if i visit my partners parents i have to smile and talk and pretend all is well but underneath i am all over the place, and when they ask me how i am i want to tell them to mind their own business as if they care anyway.
I do totally get what you mean, i know how you feel, i hate it when i call the mental health team and they say, these feelings do pass, ok maybe the do in their world but not in mine, yeah they do go away sometimes or sometimes its ok and i feel ok but it doesn't last long, then i feel worse because i wonder why it doesn't get any better and what am i doing wrong.
When all my kids are at school i will have my 2yr old and the new baby at home, i want everything to go well but i really am afraid of all the extra responsibilty, sometimes i have trouble looking after myself.
I know what you mean about the going backwards bit, i feel like my therapist is wasting his time, he is amazing and i can have a good session with him but an hour later i could be calling him telling him i am going to drive of the road. I wonder why no one can seem to help is so unfair that we have to struggle all the time.
Will you be at work when your children are out during the day?
I'm not sure how i feel today i slept late as usual and i went to sleep crying just feeling so messed up, my mother is still in hospital after her operation, now has has an infection and i can't visit her i am to afraid to drive there and hospitals freak me out, i know she probably won't want to see me anyway but i would still have went.
I hope you day is good. Talk soon Take care

[janice150]

It does wear me out to put on a face during certain situations, but when I go to work I go into another personality, it's weird, I don't have any control over it, I don't know how it happens, I don't even know who is going to show up, because sometimes the personality that comes out gets me into trouble, she's like 16 and very bratty and swears a lot, it's weird...Then I get into my car and I seem to switch back.
I had such a horrible day yesterday after I got out of work. I came home and I was so stressed out!!! I was trying to order something on the computer and I wasn't doing it right and I just started screaming at the kids, cause they kept badgering me about the same thing over and over. Then we went shopping and my daughter whose leaving for college, we got into a fight in the car so she sat in the parkin lot on the ground for two hours, says she doesn't want me to bring her to college cause she doesn't want to be around me!!! My son was up my butt asking for money and I'm so broke don't even know how I'm going to pay my bills, and my oldest goes into the grocery store by herself to get dinner and doesn't buy enough so I threw it about a 100 feet across the yard and went to bed!!! I'm really not explaining it all in depth, but I wasn't the crazy person in the picture even though I looked like it...and later they all ganged up together saying I was out of control even though they were the ones that were acting like fkn idiots!!!!
God I hope today is a better day...We are suppose to have a heat wave this week, I hate when it's hot like that, it makes me feel claustrophobic and exhausted all the time. I have to teach my son's friend how to drive today, I seem to teach everybody how to drive, none of the parents are willing they're to scared, I guess it's cause I'm not afraid to die!!!!
Enjoy your day....

[inneedofhelp82]

Sorry to hear that yesterday was so stressful, are things calmer today?
We went for a bbq yesterday at my cousins, she lives in the country it was really nice but i had to pretend that i was normal, and then i got really panicky but i didn't leave that was the main thing.
My partner is away today and i am stressed i find it hard to cope with the children on my own, by the time he comes home i will be so stressed we will fight, I love my children but they stress me so much its mainly the two smallest ones, they are always at something.
I hope you have a better day today, enjoy your driving lesson. Take care

[janice150]

I know exactly how you feel about going it alone...my husband was an alcoholic and didn't participate much, but now that I've been doing it for 6 years all by myself, I realize at least I did have momentary breaks now and then. The past 6 years have been murder running the show all alone, being responsible for every little decision in 4 young teenagers lives...it's been a long freakin road!!!!
Yesterday scked wicked bad!!! When we got into the car for the driving lesson on my son's first mistake I screamed, then I said I was sorry and I burst into tears. I got control after a few minutes and we continued and I gave his friend a 45 minute lesson and things were ok for that time, but as soon as we got home the depression set in, deeper than anything... I ended up drinkin some alcohol, which just made me pass out a lot quicker last night, I burnt myself again and I took extra meds to stop the voices.
I got high the first thing this morning, I was too afraid of feeling like I did yesterdy so I didn't even give it a chance to settle in.
I bet if someone was to read this they would say, that I'm just being sick on-line....which I know that I am, I'm not making any fkn good choices, but honestly I really don't know any other way to cope except to kill myself....

[inneedofhelp82]

No, you do have other choices, please remember that, killing yourself is not the answer.
When do you see your therapist again?
Its fine to talk on here if that helps you then you need to do that, you need to keep doing whatever helps. What has helped you in the past to feel better, i mean what good things not alochol and other stuff.
My therapist called 10 minutes before our appointment this morning and cancelled i hate that but anyway i had a bad night and i am tired so i didn't really care, i'll see him on Thursday instead.
Yesterday was so stressful i took the wee ones to the park and my partner didn't come back until late i was very anxious and angry by then. So i had a night of panic and nightmares, but the sun is shining so i am going out for a while. Hope you have a better day, take care of yourself please, like i understand you, you understand me and i need you here.

[janice150]

I realize there are other choices at least that's what they say, it's just that nothing seems to make me feel any better. I waited 15 minutes for my therapist every week she's late and every week she says she's sorry for being late. I raised 4 kids and I was never ever late, it's a major pet peeve of mine I absolutely hate late people and she know this, by the time I got in there I was out of my freakin mind, so I stayed 5 minutes and told her I had nothing to fkn say to her and left, she said ok , knowing I was in really bad shape and let me leave, I called her about 10 minutes later and left a message saying I waited for you for that fkn bullsht , I'm not showing up next week!!!! She called me back and told me she does her best with the skills she has and I have to come back cause of my conditional discharge, I said I would think about it and maybe I would and maybe I wouldn't...
I finished school shopping with my son and then layed on the couch in the air conditioning for the rest of the day cause it was so hot here. Today I am going to work, I got up and right away my heart was heavy, I could already feel the depression setting in, I don't look forward to another day of this...

[inneedofhelp82]

Sorry to hear things are so tough, thats not good what happened with your therapist she shouldn't be late, mine is often late, he is in the building but i usually wait about 10 minutes.
I expected to hear from my social worker today but so far she hasn't called i hate that, the waiting making me feel  unimportant.
Do you take any medication for depression? I know people say there are other choices i get that too and it doesn't help i know that because i also nothing does work alot of the time.
I see my therapist tomorrow i have alot to tell him, i had an argument with the police woman investigating my assault case she has told everyone she interviewed that knows me she told them i was sexually assaulted how could she. She wants me to give the name of the man who assaulted me ages ok so that she can check him out but i won't give his name and i am stressed, she tried to make me feel guilty about it, i really hate. I am trying to be calm and let nothing trigger me but i can feel it i'm getting ready to run again, they need to listen but i know you get that too. I hope work helps you a bit and i hope you have a better day today. Take care

[janice150]

I actually had an ok day yesterday...aside from the fact that I was really sick. I've been having a lot of stomach problems,my kids keep telling me to call the drs but I know it will just come back as "you're stress out" so I don't want to go. For the first hour of work I thought I was going to puke it was horrible, it finally got better and then turned into a headache. I spent the rest of the day with my daughter whose leaving for college, she was really high but we had an awesome time together. My period is due and my body is bloated and aches all over, but my mind seems to be ok. I don't have to work today, but I have a lot of chores to do. It's supposed to be 98 degrees and really humid here today!!! Yuck I hate it, it's so hard to function in this weather.
I do take meds for depression, believe it or not, I can't even imagine what I would be like if I didn't, I'm already this low, what would I be like without the meds? I don't understand why the police give victims such a hard time when assaulted... I mean you've already been thru enough, and now they just make things worse, it's so wrong! I hope you have a good session today with your therapist today....

[inneedofhelp82]

I am glad you had a better day, therapy was ok made me angry all that talk about emotions, then i was with my social worker as well and i just cried at her.
My daughter had a baby girl this morning and amazingly i went in for the birth it was beautiful, but i still felt depressed and cried all the way home, maybe it was relief that it was over for her.
The weather here is lovely here but not to hot thankfully.
I am so tired i was up all night at the hospital and i have to go back at three.
I will talk more later i really need some sleep.
I hope you have a good day today again, take care

[janice150]

Congratulations on your new grandbaby girl!!! That must have taken a lot out of you...I know right now when the kids say anything to me that's even the littlest of stresstful I tell them please don't, I can't take anything in right now..I'm just so on overload. My body is so weak I have no idea what's happening , yesterday I had green poop, and I looked on-line and it said it had something to do with my liver, and I did my chores but it took everything out of me and it was just soooo hard to move. I know part of everything I'm feeling is just all the stress of my daughter leaving, school starting, my daughter moving back in and the fact that I'm financially in deep sht!!!! I'm so tired I just wanna go away somewhere and rest for a long while, I have to work tonight for 5 1/2 hours, it's a long shift for me especially on a Friday night, not looking forward to it but whatevr I need the money. It's funny how we appear to be so weak but when it comes to taking care of others we always find the strength no matter what, but for ourselves we collapse.
Get some rest my dear, I believe this will only be the beginning of your new journey, is your daughter going to be living with you? Take care and I'll talk to you soon....

[inneedofhelp82]

I know because i drove to the hospital twice on my own and its a 45 minute drive away but i coped ok but i needed to be there for her. I am very tired she wants me there all the time but i can't be i have other kids and its far away so i told her i will call up again tomorrow evening and hopefully she will be home on Sunday.
You need to see a doctor to see whats wrong with you.
Her boyfriend is with her alot so she's not alone.
Yeah when its for me i don't cope i give up, my social worker called but i was at the hospital so she said she will call on Monday.
I really need an early night, i hope you cope ok at work and have a good day.
Take care

[janice150]

All day I was a mess, I woke my oldest daughter up cause I was afraid to be alone and I just started to bawl and started having a panic attack pacing my living room. After it ended I was completely exhausted. i rested until it was time to go to work, my other two kids started getting into a fight and I just screamed do not pull me into your teenage drama right now I'm on the edge of crumblin here!!! When I got to work I did everythin I could to hold it together and then I found out my manager had scheduled me for Sunday which is the day I move my daughter into college, I had specifically told her I had to have it off and she said no problem and then she scheduled me!! Tears came to my eyes and it was so hard to hold them back, normally I would have just handled it, but I'm so damn emotional. I did get control, but a few times I made comments that were so inapropriate  that I could have gotten myself fired!! I'm really praying for a better day today. I feel so overwhelmed, I'm sure you can relate...
Monday is a holiday here so i don't see me idiot therapist until Tuesday, not that I have any idea how to even talk to her anymore. I have no idea how to do therapy anymore, I don't trust anyone with my feelings, with my mind, I'm too afraid to let go, it's way toooo frightening for me, so I don't know how to do therapy, so I go in sit for a few and then I leave, and I just end up staying a frigin mess.
Anyway, I'm glad to hear your daughter's boyfriend is in the picture and taking some of the burden off of you, I know she's probably still begging for you, our children are like that, always wanting mum... it's good you stood your ground though and stayed home and got some rest, I hope you do the same today, especially cause you have the other kids to take care of.
Take care

[janice150]

Funny how dependent I've become to seeing you on here...I hope everything is ok, I hope the reason you didn't respond yesterday is because your exhausted and not for any other reason...
I got my period today so hopefully my emotions will now start to stabilize a little bit, I really need them to, I'm in such a whirlwind lately and so tired from it..

take care hope to hear from you soon...

[inneedofhelp82]

Hi, sorry i wasn't on sooner, your right i'm so tired and i had to go up to visit again yesterday and last night and then i couldn't sleep well last night. I am feeling very depressed today, i thought the baby being born with help but it doesn't too, so much more responsibilty for me.
I am sorry to hear you are struggling, what about trying another therapist? Is that possible, would it help. Its a pity therapy isn't helping, maybe you need to tell her that.
It seems your kids stress you alot so do mine the two middle boys fight all the time so i know what its like.
Panic attacks are terrible they scare the life out of me i hate to be alone when they happen too.
I hope you have a better day today, when i get really emotional i feel like i am loosing control but thankfully that ease of i hope yours does too.
I really hope my social worker calls tomorrow i really need her sometimes.
My daughter is coming home today, in terms of money i don't know how we will cope i have no money at all that stresses me too.
I hope your day goes well and i will be on more again. Talk soon Take care

[janice150]

Sorry to hear your daughter is pushing you so much... my 16 yr old son does the same to me. I wrote him this long letter explaining to him that I'm not in good condition right now and he has to stop pushing me, asking me for so much, but it's like it just bounces off his face or something, doesn't seem to have any effect on his brain because 2 seconds later he's asking me to take him somewhere or do something for him again!!! It's very frustrating...
Yesterday was an emotional roller coaster for me. I spent most the day setting my daughter's dorm room up at college which we had a blast, but when it was time to leave her behind, I didn't even get out of the drive way and I was bawling. She's a lesbian and the way some of the mothers were looking at her, it was horrible, I mean Kymm holds her own she knows who she is and is very confident with who she is, it's just me leaving her to the wolves. plus I just feel like everyone in my life leaves me, I just have such a hard time with abandoment issues. Too many people thru out my life have died or left. I'm going to try to pick myself up today and distract the best I can, don't have a lot of energy, but I don't want to just lay around in my sht, my head is too crazy right now.
Hope your day goes well.

[inneedofhelp82]

I think it could be there age, they just need alot of attention. I have a hard time with abandonment as well its horrible but my therapist is trying to help me see that sometimes people aren't rejecting me or abandoning me its just the i take it.
It would be hard leaving your daughter though, i imagine anyone would feel the same, she will probably cope really well.
I am still really tired and emotional, but i am leaving my daughter and her boyfriend to it, i let him stay a few nights to help out.
When she returns to school i will have the baby all the time so i will let them do it for now.
My social worker called today so i will meet with her later in the week and my therapist.
Are you seeing your therapist this week? It wasn't going well was it?
I hope you have a better day today, take care.

[janice150]

I'm supposed to meet with my therapist today, but I just can't do it. I'm having trouble trusting anyone, my thoughts are scattered and I keep doubting everything everyone is saying to me like they're lieing to me or something. I'm going to try to do some chores today, I couldn't get anything done yesterday, I was too tired all I did was lay on the couch something I didn't want to do, but had no strength to do anything else.
I can't believe you have to take care of a newborn!!! I can't even imagine what that would be like if that happened to me. I can barely take care of myself somedays, I mean I know we find the strength no matter what when it comes to our kids, but for me it's just temporary, like I can always see the light at the end of the tunnel, when it's going to be over, but with a newborn, well, there's a huge responsibility. I give you  a lot of credit for being such a great mom, plus you still have your own little ones to take care of. Be gentle with yourself, take things in stride, no pressure, try not to listen to the negativity in your mind, because with all that responsibility, I'm sure it will come, and you need to be easy on yourself...Try to enjoy your day and get as much rest as possible and eat many small nutricious meals, to keep your strength up!

[inneedofhelp82]

Did you meet with your therapist?
I am ok for now the distraction of the baby is good, my daughter doesn't go back to school for 4 or 5 weeks so it might not be to bad.
My social worker makes sure i don't take to much on, she is constantly reminding me to take it easy. I was with my solicitor and he recommended i make a written complaint to the police, i'm not sure what to do, i will talk it over tomorrow with my social worker.
I hope you have a better day tomorrow and that you learn to trust your therapist again, i hope she can help you.
Talk soon Take care

[janice150]

I did not meet with my therapist yesterday. Just left a message on her machine telling her I was having a hard time functioning and that I thought meeting with her would make me too tired. She never called or anything.
I got a lot of cleaning done yesterday, it felt good. I have to go to work today, which I'm really happy about I need the distraction. I joined the local gym, my son and I are going to go after I get home.
Yesterday I went to the dump, that's where we bring our trash, and this guy was flirting with me, so I was driving away and I was checking him out in the rearview mirror and I crashed right into a stone wall hahahaha!!! It was wicked funny!! I wasn't going fast and I looked up as soon as I was about to crash into it and slammed the brakes on so I didn't hit it that hard, I just started laughing and threw the car in reverse and drove away!!! Wicked cool impression though huh!!!!
Enjoy your day!!

[inneedofhelp82]

Its good you had a better day, yeah he will have a good impression of you.
Maybe your therapist will call today.
I'm not sure if i am to meet with my social worker today or tomorrow so i called her to ask but she hasn't called me back so hopefully she will soon.
Stressful day i'm very tired and my partner is driving me mad.
The gym is good i go there when i can, makes me panic too though.
I hope you have a good day at work and enjoy the gym. Talk soon, take care

[janice150]

My therapist didn't call, she never calls. I could be dying and she wouldn't call. I don't know if that's part of the way she tries to help me or what. Because people with BPD are supposedly attention seekers so I guess she figures calling me would give into me seeking attention. When in actuallity it's just me being beyond my control of being able to help myself and I actual need her more, but she never has been able to see it that way, so she just leaves me out here to get sicker.
The gym helped a lot, I walked 2 miles, pounding the treadmill like I was pounding someone's face. The pain felt good, I guess if I have to hurt myself in some way this is probably the best way to do it. I hear the voices they're far away in my head,waiting to get me and distracting myself, just keep moving before they get me, is what I'm trying to do. I'm just scared because I'm afraid I'm going to run out of energy, but for now I just keep running. The voices want to hurt me, they want me dead, I don't know why, they have just always been there, always chasing me. But for now, they're far away, so I just keep running.
Off to work again today, chores and then the gym again and some grocery shopping.
Enjoy your day.

[inneedofhelp82]

My computer is playing up so if i'm not in touch for a while you will know why. I am glad the gym is helping i found it always helped me too.
I had my therapist today it went well we talked about emotions and my anger issues, he is trying to help me control my temper. I had a few really big fights with my partner this week.
Keep trying your therapist and tell her how desperately you need her help, whenever i call my therapist he always calls back maybe not straight away but he calls at some point, so does my social worker.
I hope all is well with you, and keep fighting those voices don't listen to them. Have a good day. Take care

[janice150]

Sorry to hear your computer is acting up.. I never call my therapist, I don't like the disappointment of waiting and I spend the entire day anxious waiting for her to call back, it makes me crazy!!!
I'm glad you had a good therapy session, when it goes good it kinda feels freeing, like somehow you move a little forward. I haven't had that feeling in a long time, at least not from her anyway.
I'm going to my daughter's colleges today to watch them play soccer and field hockey, it's beautiful here today 75 degrees and sunny great day to be outside.
Have a good day.

[inneedofhelp82]

I do that too waiting on them to call me back drives me bad and then if they don't i feel really let down by them.
I saw my therapist in town today but he never spoke, he does sometimes but not today but then i was with my son so maybe he thought he shouldn't, its just that if he is telling me to include him in my world then i need to feel it. I am probably over reacting to it as usual. Something small like that could take away from all the good of the therapy.
It has rained here all day, you are lucky its nice.
How have you been lately, what do you think will happen with your therapist? Are you able to change her to another one, it doesn't sound like she is any help at all.
I hope you enjoyed your day, take care.

[janice150]

I'm feeling feeling terribly exhausted today... I left the house at 10:30 yesterday and didn't get home until 9:40 last night. I had a wonderful day with my daughters, so proud of them but it was just a really long day.
When I get like this the voices get closer, it *****... and no I can't switch therapists, there are no available therapists to switch to, and besides that she's the best at the center so that means I would get stuck with someone who would treat me even worse and I would have to start from the beginning and I couldn't handle that.
I have never seen my therapist in public, I can't imagine what that would be like. I have no idea how I would react, probably just ignore her I guess.
Have to go get ready for work, try to muster up some energy, have a good one!!!

[inneedofhelp82]

Will you see your therapist this week? I hope your relationship with her improves for your sake.
I see mine in public alot even at the gym its hard sometimes i ignore him other times i say hello, depending on my mood, it seems he belongs to my other world or something, i can't seem to fit him into my everyday world, that doesn't make sense does it.
Anyway i am wondering how long i can stay sensible and more stable for, hope it lasts but i doubt it, i am feeling that familiar feeling creeping back in, i just hope i don't hit the bottom to hard on the way back down.
I am glad you had a good day with your daughters.
Hope you have a good day despite feeling so tired.

[janice150]

I saw my therapist yesterday, I think she needs to see her own therapist!!!! I told her I took ritalin which is an adhd medicine that speeds up your metabolism, basically it's speed for people who don't need it. Anyway I told her I took it cause i felt the voices coming closer and i will do anything to avoid going into the hospital, and she was like "well i don't blame you"!!!! I said so your cool with me taking drugs? and she was like, well i guess it's better than burning yourself!!! She's such a freakin nut job!!! Well it's not like i have to take it everyday, at least not yet anyway.
I had a very energetic day yesterday, got a lot done and went to the gym. Today i'm visiting with my sister inlaw in high hopes of seeing george again.
Hope all is well with you.

[inneedofhelp82]

It is a bit strange she agreed with you taking drugs.
I am glad you had a more energentic day.
I am waiting on my social worker to call she was supposed to call yesterday but didn't and i really hope she calls today i hate that feeling, its like she doesn't care what has happened or how i am. I just wanted to stay in bed today but i had to get up, too much to do.
I hope your day is good and you get to see George. My son is away on a school trip and i'm very anxious about it, he isn't back until tomorrow.
How are you feeling today? Talk soon, take care.

[janice150]

I didn't get to see Geo
rge yesterday, he's back with his girlfriend even though everyone at the house was rooting for me...Oh well, such is life, I guess. I had a good day any way with me sister-in law she makes me feel really safe, I can just be myself, my true self and she just loves me so much, it feels wonderful to be with her.
I decided last night to cut back on some of my medication because I'm trying so hard to lose weight and I feel like I'm paddling upstream and I know it's the meds, so I didn't sleep at all, maybe an hour. Hopefully I will learn to sleep on my own.
How old is your son that went on the trip? I can't believe your social worker hasn't called you yet!!! That's why I hate depending on them, but it's so hard becuase we do, they're the only ones that really get whats going on with us. I'm not seeing my therapist next week because we have a conflict in schedules and because of her cancer she doesn't work too much. So I won't be seeing her for 2 weeks. I have to work for 5 hrs 45 min today, it's a long shift for me because I only get one 15 minute break and it just wears me out, I hope I'm able to hold my mouth because latlely I've been swearing a lot, and I don't want to lose my job.
Hope you enjoy your day, glad your son is coming home today, to get rid of your anxiety, and hopefully your social will call today!!!

[inneedofhelp82]

Glad you are coping ok about George, your lucky you have somebody like your sister in law, no body ever makes me feel safe, my therapist does sometimes, and my social worker.
Hope you are ok without the medication.
My son is almost 15 but i hate them being away i panic and want them home there and then.
The social worker called yesterday but i missed her call so i called her today i am meeting with her on Friday and my therapist tomorrow, i really need them i am feeling so depressed, i told her that today, i just want to be stable and feel ok for a while.
My son got home ok i am glad.
I hope work goes ok for you, i would love a job but i panic so much, i have applied for a job in a nightclub i hope i get it i need to get out more.
I am also trying to loose weight i always comfort eat when i am depressed which is not good and i need to go to the gym but i am so tired.
I hope your day was good, and you didn't swear too much, talk soon take care

[janice150]

I'm sorry you feel so depressed. I know how tiring that is. I hate being tired, I hate when I feel like life is sucking the energy out of me. I didn't end up going to work yesterday, instead I spent it in the emergency room at the hospital because I was in sooo much pain in my stomach.  They think I have irritable bowel syndrome, I have to call my regular doctor today. I got some sleep last night, which is really unusual for me, but I think it was cause yesterday took so much out of me. I'm really praying for a better day today.
Glad your son is home safe and sound, I'm the complete opposite, out of site out of mind. When my kids aren't here I don't think about them at all, it's weird.
Getting a job is very stressful, especially at the beginning, cause everything is new, you mess up a lot and you think to yourself I'll never be able to do this, but eventually it becomes like second nature and it's very easy. My daughter is becoming a waitress and she's really nervous, because she's a scatter brain, and I told her to just remember you won't be new forever, once you get the hang of it it will all be fine. I don't work much, but I'm so glad I do it , gives me purpose and some place to go and MONEY...which always helps!!! hahaha  So good luck to you if you muster up the courage to follow thru with it.
enjoy the day...

[inneedofhelp82]

Hi, are you feeling better today?
I left the application form in the bar today where i applied for the job so now i'll wait and see, i would like something different to do and to keep my mind as busy as possible.
I had therapy today i thought he was a bit of with me then i don't talk as much so it doesn't help, i think he is getting fed up again with me, i know its going to happen.
I hope your daughter does well at her new job, she will soon get used to it.
I think its because i'm depressed that maybe therapy didn't go well i'm just stressed and tired i'm fed up trying to be normal, i just want to be myself, i will break at some point and the panic is increasing as well i want to hide and make it go away.
I hope you had a better day, take care

[janice150]

One thing I noticed about exercising is I'm able to handle the panic attacks a little better. It's like the exercise taught me how to deal with adrenialine rushes. I hope you do get the job, but just try not to panic if you do, I know that's easier said than done...
Too bad your session with your therapist went bad, i hate when that happens, you feel worse than when you went in, not helpful. You have a lot on your plate, a lot of responsibilities, it's too bad you couldn't delegate some of that to the older children. But I'm sure, having the newborn in the house is also making you really tired, even though it's hers your probably taking on a lot yourself. Go easy on yourself your just one person. Try not to listen to the judgements in your head about how you should be doing things so much better, it's probably adding to your stress.
I went to see my dr yesterday and they are running a catscan on my stomach on monday, she thinks it might be my gallbladder, but i guess it's very hard to diagnose. So we'll just have to wait and see, in the mean time i'm just left feeling sick all the time.
I have to work tonight and my son just informed me he has a soar throat and isn't going to school, and so it begins...enjoy your day!!!

[inneedofhelp82]

I'm glad exercise is working for you, i used to go to the gym alot and it helped and lately i have put on so much weight i need to do something. Two of my children are really ill so its stressful here they both have throat infections and sore ears.
I hope they will find out whats wrong with your stomach feeling sick is not nice.
I find added stress from the new baby i love her but i could do without the stress my daughter is very good with her though so its not too bad.
I was with my social worker today she cheered me up a bit, we talked about how much i hate myself and why she wants me to think about what i like about myself i told her nothing i am useless, just a depressing day.
I hope you had a good day and that work went well, take care

[janice150]

I'm feeling really useless myself these days. I had to call in sick again yesterday, cause I had excruciating pain in my left arm for no reason. I couldn't move it and it felt like someone was squeezing it to death! I knew i wasn't haven't a heart attck but i didn't know what was going on. It's all just sending me into a panic cause i need the money that i missed out on this week from not working and plus just being in this house has got me crazy and not being on my meds, the walls are just closing in on me. I have to work in a couple of hours so i hope i make it this time.
You are absolutely not useless!!!! You are taking care of that HUGE family!!!! i know somedays you might not get a lot done, but you're still doing it. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Tell me one thing you like about yourself, I love the color of my hair and the fact that I'm 48 and still don't have to color it...ok your turn...

[inneedofhelp82]

I hope you manage to get to work and that you feel better today. I'm feeling depressed today i just wanted to stay in bed so i got up really late.
Can you cope ok without your meds?
Thats really good you don't have to color your hair yet.
I think i like the fact that i am a determined person if i start something i will do anything to stick it out and the fact that i am 35 but people think i look about 30.
I am taking my granddaughter out today to see if it helps me feel better.
I hope you have a good day. Take care

[meg613]

hey
i'm a 17 year old girl who just got told i have bpd i have had clinical depression and anxiety dissorders a while, i also self harm and have eating dissorders anyway you two seem to know lots about bpd.
is it permanent? and i always am suicidal and tried to die 2 times this summer, does that go away ever?
can you tell me some things about it?
also my therapist thinks i should probably go into hospital if i don't improve over the weekend because my detachment is really bad and i keep having panick attacks. but i'm scared to go to hospital, what will they do? and how will i cope if i can't cut?

sorry and thanks if you fin the time to answer
meg

[inneedofhelp82]

I will help you if i can. The suicidal part is hard to deal with for me personally but after many attempts and scaring the life out of my therapist and family, i try other ways of trying to cope with the thoughts, the thoughts do pass its just finding ways of coping with them at that time. Do you have someone you can call when you feel like that, i find that works for me and distraction also works just do anything that occupies your mind, something that you really like to do.
What do you think about going to hospital, sometimes it can help, i have been there and my experience was ok i just found it hard being away from home but it wasn't a bad place. They can sort out medication for you there as well.
If you find it hard being there you should be able to talk to the nurses and tell them how you feel.
I can't really say if its permanent or not, sorry, i have heard that types of therapy work really well in helping you deal with your emotions and that should help.
What type of therapy do you get at the minute?
I also suffer from depression, anxiety and panic attacks so i know where you are coming from
I hope i have been of some help, feel free to post on here anytime if we can help we will. Take care

[Jaquta]

bpd isn't permanent but personality can take a while to change.  People with bpd are generally in therapy for many years.
Suicidal thoughts and feelings do go away once the underlying issues are dealt with.  This too can take a while.  Suicide can become a way people with bpd cope with overwhelming feelings.

bpd is mainly diagnosed in women.  75% of those diagnosed with it have been abused.
bpd is typically a problem with regulating emotions.  There's lots of stuff that could be said about it.  

I like to look at bpd as being made up of both good and bad parts.  The idea is to have one part that contains both good and bad together.  (Not lots of separate good and bad parts.)  For example, you may not like hospital and have fears of going so you may think of it solely as being all bad.  A person who likes hospital may view it as all good.  The truth is that going to hospital has both good and bad aspects.  A positive is that it could take away some of the pressure and help you to feel more in control.  A negative could be that you hate the food.  Good and bad things will be different for each person.

What happens in hospital?  Usually you are seen by a doctor who will assess you.  They will discuss your situation and treatment with you.  Another doctor may be given the task of taking blood, etc to test for physical things which could affect your health and mood.  You will be given a room.  Depending of how much of a risk they consider you you may not be allowed to have some of your personal stuff with you, like for example, razor blades, etc.
In hospital they will place you on a certain level of observation.  These can be from someone being with you all the time to someone checking on you every 10 minutes to you having the freedom to move around and go on unassisted leaves.

With your symptoms it is likely that you will be asked to take medication.

Cutting is a maladaptive way of coping.  Not being able to cut may increase your feelings of anxiety, etc.  Any concerns can be discussed with staff.  They won't let you cut though.  If you need too they may increase medication or may offer you someone to talk too.

I expect one aim of hospital would be to lower your stress levels and to help you feel less detached.

People are resilient.  You'll cope.  Just keep talking to people.  That is one of the best things you can do.

[janice150]

That was a really weird feeling I got seeing other people on our posts, I mean I know this is an open forum an all it was just weird to see other people posting here. i love Juquata she was here when i first started it's just that she gives wonderful answers it's just that she seems emotionally detached from them. I just feel really close to you and i felt like someone invaded our privacy...just saying.
Yesterday went ok. I went to work i felt sick but made it thru, i went to the gym but I couldn't go as far. Last night when I was laying in bed the weirdest thing happened I hd the worst panic attck!!! i wasn't thinking of anything I have no idea what brought it on, it was like no other panic attck i have ever had before because it was all in my body not in my head it was just crazy, it literally scared the frigin sht out of me!!!
So you look 30 that's awesome!!!! and you stick to things, I didn't start to stick to things until about 2 years ago, especially being depressed all the time.. your really lucky, becuse my depression made me give up on things really easy, I always gave up cause i got overwhelmed.
So my next thing is i weigh 225, and even though i'm fat I think i have sexy thighs, I've always thought my thighs were sexy. I guesss it's cause my brothers growing up told me men like thighs with meat. They don't have cellulite and they're firm, not flabby... ok your turn, what else do you like, come on I know ther's something else!!!

[janice150]

Hi meg
welcome!!! I think it's funny you decided to read our posts,  when I was writing them i kinda felt like we were in a secret room that no one could see.
Anyway, I'm happy that your getting help at such a young age. I started to attempt suicide at your age as well but was ignored. Also had an eating disorder and was cutting. not until this summer did i start to burn. Well that's not entirely true did burn myself with a curling iron when i was younger. But anyway, self harm can take on it's on life, just like the eating disorder, it can take control of you and can take you to places you don't want to go. Trust me your young, it's best you try to stop now before it goes to places you don't want to go. And how, well right now for me I'm exercising, I started out with just a small amount a day 10 minutes, now i'm up to 40 minutes a day.
As far as the hospital, i look at it as a place to gain control, I absolutely hate it there, i hate having my rights taken away and people staring at me all the time, but when things get bad, i go. So if someone is telling you to go, you probably should just go, before things get worse. it won't last long and you'll be home before you know it.
Good luck honey, and feel free to chat here anytime....

[inneedofhelp82]

Yeah i feel the same, we are able to talk about anything on here you forget that others can read it as well, i feel close to you too its strange that we just get lost on here and forget about the world.
Sometimes it goes like that at the gym some days are easier than others, stick at it though.
I get those panic attacks too they scare the life out of me i want to escape so badly and i have no where to go and sometimes i can't find a reason either that makes it even more scary.
I like Jaquta's answers too they are good, they really help.
Weird thing last night some drunk man decided to sleep up the side of our house, my partner went out and went mad, i panicked so badly i couldn't breathe i thought i would never stop shaking, it brought back so many bad memories for me, i really want to move house now.
You have sexy thighs, cool i'm not sure about me maybe my smile my partner said i have a beautiful smile and my social worker called me a lovely looking young woman the other day when she trying to make me feel better about myself, i really don't see it though but anyway, my face is ok. I hope you have a good day, take care.

[Jaquta]

I'm sorry for intruding on your space and privacy.  If it's any consolation I only scrolled through the last few.
It's interesting that you find me emotionally detached.  I guess that's a fair comment.  I'm too stressed to feel stuff emotionally at the moment.  I also feel a bit torn on the forum as it has felt less safe for me to discuss my issues.  I mean, how do you try and help others and discuss your own issues at the same time.  I'm not sure I would respect someone's advice if they were then to tell me their whole world was falling apart.  Or would I?  I don't know.  I respect others here and their views.  I guess I'm not very good at relating and relationships and I am wary of becoming too involved.  Maybe we are just at different stages of recovery?  Either way my prognosis seems worse as I'm not in a relationship.

I was just writing to apologize for posting here.  Sorry for the intrusion.

[inneedofhelp82]

Don't feel like that i don't see it as an intrusion. Is the comment about not taking advice from someone who is falling apart aimed at me, i didn't know i was falling apart.
I could really take this the wrong way but i won't because i see you as a friend or maybe the post isn't for me, either way its an open forum feel free to post whatever you know that.
You were on this forum before me and you give better answers, its not that your detached you just put it out there, the way it is, i know that i like you for that.
I think if i'm right i'm the only person on here in a relationship and that really doesn't make it any better, believe me when the only person you have in the world is the one who hurts you the most and you are trapped there.
You are right to not get to involved because even people on here are capable of hurting your feelings as well, as i now know.
No need to apologize you are free to write what you want.

[janice150]

I agree with inneedofhelp, please don't feel like your intruding!!! Eeryone out here has bad days or weeks whatever that doesn't mean we can't help  each other, so don't be afraid to show your vulnerable side, it just shows you have the disease like us. I mean sometimes I get really sick and my symptoms are very present and other times I don't seem to have symptoms at all. Does that mean I'm cured? No that just means I'm learning better coping skills, but then sometimes I'm deep in it and my symptoms are all over the place.

[janice150]

I went to the gym yesterday and I was able to make it the whole way 2 miles, so that was good. i'm sweating so much more than ever before which is weird, but whatever. Work was good too, and my stomach hasn't been tooo bad either. i have my cat scan today and I have to drink 2 bottles of this medicine so they can see inside my stomach I'm nervous about drinking it because I'm afraid it's going to make me puke...
That's crazy about the drunk outside your house that would have scared the daylights out of me and I haven't even experienced the trauma you have!!! Did you get any sleep? So glad you had a man with you, that's why I'm glad I have a neighbor down stairs he's 31 and very strong, he's like my son and definitely would protect us!! i'm so sorry that happened to you, but no sense in moving cause I guess it could happen anywhere unless your in a bad area.
People tell me all the time I have a nice smile, I don't really think so, I think my face is really fat and what they actually mean is i have nice eyes. My eyelashes are really long it looks like they are fake especially with mascara on. And I have a good heart which I think shines thru your eyes so people notice that. Gee I have gorgeous hair, beautiful eyes, and sexy thighs!!! I sound like a real catch, too bad I'm 225 lbs!!! hahaha!!!
Have a great day....

[inneedofhelp82]

Its not a good day today, i just gave the police the name of the guy who raped me four years ago i have made such a big mistake i never should have told them. I can't prove it, no one was there no one saw i can't even remember half of it.
Why have i done this?
I am glad you are doing well exercising and stuff, good for you.
How did the cat scan go?
You do sound like a good catch, don't worry about the weight part, i am over weight but still got men no problem but then i guess when you are offering sex its ok.
I am happy you have so many things good about yourself, well today mine is pure stupidity for talking to the police, no good thoughts at all, maybe another day.
Well i suppose i am still here after talking to them so thats something.
I hope you have a good day and you sound happier, good for you. Take care

[janice150]

I posted at the other place and then read this...Sooooo sorry to read this, totally feel for you girlfriend, I feel like giving you a hug right now, that must have been absolutely horrible for you!!! I have no idea why but they always seem to make you feel worse too. I'm glad you went thru with it, hopefully the dirtbag will be put away, and you will have the strength to get thru this.
My cat scan went quick, no results probably in a couple of days, i'll talk to you on the other place, hang in there...

[inneedofhelp82]

I got my social worker at last but she wasn't much help, basically told me not to worry thats easy for her to say, but i have my therapist tomorrow maybe he will be more help, i hope. I still regret giving the name and i am hoping that i will be able to drop the whole case i will never cope with it and they are not listening.
I hope your results will be ok, have a good day.