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I have just recently been assessed for bpd, my therapist never told me he just got me to fill out a questionaire, when i looked it up on the internet thats what it was for, he never told me the results either but he keeps saying things like, i have difficulty regulating emotions and i don't know what emotions i am experiencing and when he asked me who i was i said i didn't know i said i am whoever the people i am with want me to be, he said that is such a classic statement, i will admit i do have mental health issues, i suffer from argraphobia, depression, ocd, panic attacks and PTSD, i will admit i do have alot of the symptoms of bpd but i always thought they had to be extreme i don't see myself as extreme. I am confused about alot of things and my mood changes constantly one hour i am fine and the next i am suicidal it changes so quick, most of the time i don't know how i feel. I go get angry alot and it takes very little to set me of and then that causes me to be suicidal. I adore my therapist one day and then if he upsets me i withdraw from him, in saying that it also takes very little to upset me.
What i'm asking is does this sound like bpd and if it is why won't he tell me? and why now i'm 34yrs old surely they would have picked this up before now, i have been in therapy for 16 years with 5 different therapists.
I am very confused about all this.
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OMG I can't believe you are going to be a grandmother!!!! No wonder you're so stressed out!!! You have so much going on and no support...Thank God your therapist was willing to stay by your side a little longer until you got more stable. After school starts will you have any kids at home during the day? My oldest daughter got a place to live and then when her sister was moving her in their were mice running around every where so two days later she moved back home. So next Sunday my third daughter leaves for college which will leave me with just my 24 yr old and my 16 yr old son. My oldest is a high school teacher and my son goes to high school which will leave me home alone all day...
I called George last night but he's ignoring me,guess he can't handle the pressure of saying he screwed up, one minute I'm fine about it the next I'm so freakin hurt I want to commit suicide!!!! That's the way I went to sleep last night, just wanting to end it all, just tired of continuing to try over and over again and always seeming to lose in the end. Always ending up in the same dismal hopeless place. I feel like my recovery is 2 steps forward ten steps back all the fkn time... I"m just so tired of it.
I'm so glad you're hear to tell all this to cause no one understands my pain and I know you get it. As much as I try to tell other people they say things like it will get better, or it will be all right, but it just doesn't help...but I know you get it...I know you understand how deep it goes, and that sometimes it just doesn't feel like it's going to get better..
Anyway, off to another day, I have to go get ready for work, jump into my smiley face for the customers, into that other reality that takes me away from this one..
Have a good one.
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I find its hard to put on a face for other people it makes me so tired i have to do it when other people are around or if i visit my partners parents i have to smile and talk and pretend all is well but underneath i am all over the place, and when they ask me how i am i want to tell them to mind their own business as if they care anyway.
I do totally get what you mean, i know how you feel, i hate it when i call the mental health team and they say, these feelings do pass, ok maybe the do in their world but not in mine, yeah they do go away sometimes or sometimes its ok and i feel ok but it doesn't last long, then i feel worse because i wonder why it doesn't get any better and what am i doing wrong.
When all my kids are at school i will have my 2yr old and the new baby at home, i want everything to go well but i really am afraid of all the extra responsibilty, sometimes i have trouble looking after myself.
I know what you mean about the going backwards bit, i feel like my therapist is wasting his time, he is amazing and i can have a good session with him but an hour later i could be calling him telling him i am going to drive of the road. I wonder why no one can seem to help is so unfair that we have to struggle all the time.
Will you be at work when your children are out during the day?
I'm not sure how i feel today i slept late as usual and i went to sleep crying just feeling so messed up, my mother is still in hospital after her operation, now has has an infection and i can't visit her i am to afraid to drive there and hospitals freak me out, i know she probably won't want to see me anyway but i would still have went.
I hope you day is good. Talk soon Take care
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It does wear me out to put on a face during certain situations, but when I go to work I go into another personality, it's weird, I don't have any control over it, I don't know how it happens, I don't even know who is going to show up, because sometimes the personality that comes out gets me into trouble, she's like 16 and very bratty and swears a lot, it's weird...Then I get into my car and I seem to switch back.
I had such a horrible day yesterday after I got out of work. I came home and I was so stressed out!!! I was trying to order something on the computer and I wasn't doing it right and I just started screaming at the kids, cause they kept badgering me about the same thing over and over. Then we went shopping and my daughter whose leaving for college, we got into a fight in the car so she sat in the parkin lot on the ground for two hours, says she doesn't want me to bring her to college cause she doesn't want to be around me!!! My son was up my butt asking for money and I'm so broke don't even know how I'm going to pay my bills, and my oldest goes into the grocery store by herself to get dinner and doesn't buy enough so I threw it about a 100 feet across the yard and went to bed!!! I'm really not explaining it all in depth, but I wasn't the crazy person in the picture even though I looked like it...and later they all ganged up together saying I was out of control even though they were the ones that were acting like fkn idiots!!!!
God I hope today is a better day...We are suppose to have a heat wave this week, I hate when it's hot like that, it makes me feel claustrophobic and exhausted all the time. I have to teach my son's friend how to drive today, I seem to teach everybody how to drive, none of the parents are willing they're to scared, I guess it's cause I'm not afraid to die!!!!
Enjoy your day....
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Sorry to hear that yesterday was so stressful, are things calmer today?
We went for a bbq yesterday at my cousins, she lives in the country it was really nice but i had to pretend that i was normal, and then i got really panicky but i didn't leave that was the main thing.
My partner is away today and i am stressed i find it hard to cope with the children on my own, by the time he comes home i will be so stressed we will fight, I love my children but they stress me so much its mainly the two smallest ones, they are always at something.
I hope you have a better day today, enjoy your driving lesson. Take care
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I know exactly how you feel about going it alone...my husband was an alcoholic and didn't participate much, but now that I've been doing it for 6 years all by myself, I realize at least I did have momentary breaks now and then. The past 6 years have been murder running the show all alone, being responsible for every little decision in 4 young teenagers lives...it's been a long freakin road!!!!
Yesterday scked wicked bad!!! When we got into the car for the driving lesson on my son's first mistake I screamed, then I said I was sorry and I burst into tears. I got control after a few minutes and we continued and I gave his friend a 45 minute lesson and things were ok for that time, but as soon as we got home the depression set in, deeper than anything... I ended up drinkin some alcohol, which just made me pass out a lot quicker last night, I burnt myself again and I took extra meds to stop the voices.
I got high the first thing this morning, I was too afraid of feeling like I did yesterdy so I didn't even give it a chance to settle in.
I bet if someone was to read this they would say, that I'm just being sick on-line....which I know that I am, I'm not making any fkn good choices, but honestly I really don't know any other way to cope except to kill myself....
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No, you do have other choices, please remember that, killing yourself is not the answer.
When do you see your therapist again?
Its fine to talk on here if that helps you then you need to do that, you need to keep doing whatever helps. What has helped you in the past to feel better, i mean what good things not alochol and other stuff.
My therapist called 10 minutes before our appointment this morning and cancelled i hate that but anyway i had a bad night and i am tired so i didn't really care, i'll see him on Thursday instead.
Yesterday was so stressful i took the wee ones to the park and my partner didn't come back until late i was very anxious and angry by then. So i had a night of panic and nightmares, but the sun is shining so i am going out for a while. Hope you have a better day, take care of yourself please, like i understand you, you understand me and i need you here.
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I realize there are other choices at least that's what they say, it's just that nothing seems to make me feel any better. I waited 15 minutes for my therapist every week she's late and every week she says she's sorry for being late. I raised 4 kids and I was never ever late, it's a major pet peeve of mine I absolutely hate late people and she know this, by the time I got in there I was out of my freakin mind, so I stayed 5 minutes and told her I had nothing to fkn say to her and left, she said ok , knowing I was in really bad shape and let me leave, I called her about 10 minutes later and left a message saying I waited for you for that fkn bullsht , I'm not showing up next week!!!! She called me back and told me she does her best with the skills she has and I have to come back cause of my conditional discharge, I said I would think about it and maybe I would and maybe I wouldn't...
I finished school shopping with my son and then layed on the couch in the air conditioning for the rest of the day cause it was so hot here. Today I am going to work, I got up and right away my heart was heavy, I could already feel the depression setting in, I don't look forward to another day of this...
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Sorry to hear things are so tough, thats not good what happened with your therapist she shouldn't be late, mine is often late, he is in the building but i usually wait about 10 minutes.
I expected to hear from my social worker today but so far she hasn't called i hate that, the waiting making me feel  unimportant.
Do you take any medication for depression? I know people say there are other choices i get that too and it doesn't help i know that because i also nothing does work alot of the time.
I see my therapist tomorrow i have alot to tell him, i had an argument with the police woman investigating my assault case she has told everyone she interviewed that knows me she told them i was sexually assaulted how could she. She wants me to give the name of the man who assaulted me ages ok so that she can check him out but i won't give his name and i am stressed, she tried to make me feel guilty about it, i really hate. I am trying to be calm and let nothing trigger me but i can feel it i'm getting ready to run again, they need to listen but i know you get that too. I hope work helps you a bit and i hope you have a better day today. Take care
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I actually had an ok day yesterday...aside from the fact that I was really sick. I've been having a lot of stomach problems,my kids keep telling me to call the drs but I know it will just come back as "you're stress out" so I don't want to go. For the first hour of work I thought I was going to puke it was horrible, it finally got better and then turned into a headache. I spent the rest of the day with my daughter whose leaving for college, she was really high but we had an awesome time together. My period is due and my body is bloated and aches all over, but my mind seems to be ok. I don't have to work today, but I have a lot of chores to do. It's supposed to be 98 degrees and really humid here today!!! Yuck I hate it, it's so hard to function in this weather.
I do take meds for depression, believe it or not, I can't even imagine what I would be like if I didn't, I'm already this low, what would I be like without the meds? I don't understand why the police give victims such a hard time when assaulted... I mean you've already been thru enough, and now they just make things worse, it's so wrong! I hope you have a good session today with your therapist today....
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I am glad you had a better day, therapy was ok made me angry all that talk about emotions, then i was with my social worker as well and i just cried at her.
My daughter had a baby girl this morning and amazingly i went in for the birth it was beautiful, but i still felt depressed and cried all the way home, maybe it was relief that it was over for her.
The weather here is lovely here but not to hot thankfully.
I am so tired i was up all night at the hospital and i have to go back at three.
I will talk more later i really need some sleep.
I hope you have a good day today again, take care
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Congratulations on your new grandbaby girl!!! That must have taken a lot out of you...I know right now when the kids say anything to me that's even the littlest of stresstful I tell them please don't, I can't take anything in right now..I'm just so on overload. My body is so weak I have no idea what's happening , yesterday I had green poop, and I looked on-line and it said it had something to do with my liver, and I did my chores but it took everything out of me and it was just soooo hard to move. I know part of everything I'm feeling is just all the stress of my daughter leaving, school starting, my daughter moving back in and the fact that I'm financially in deep sht!!!! I'm so tired I just wanna go away somewhere and rest for a long while, I have to work tonight for 5 1/2 hours, it's a long shift for me especially on a Friday night, not looking forward to it but whatevr I need the money. It's funny how we appear to be so weak but when it comes to taking care of others we always find the strength no matter what, but for ourselves we collapse.
Get some rest my dear, I believe this will only be the beginning of your new journey, is your daughter going to be living with you? Take care and I'll talk to you soon....
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I know because i drove to the hospital twice on my own and its a 45 minute drive away but i coped ok but i needed to be there for her. I am very tired she wants me there all the time but i can't be i have other kids and its far away so i told her i will call up again tomorrow evening and hopefully she will be home on Sunday.
You need to see a doctor to see whats wrong with you.
Her boyfriend is with her alot so she's not alone.
Yeah when its for me i don't cope i give up, my social worker called but i was at the hospital so she said she will call on Monday.
I really need an early night, i hope you cope ok at work and have a good day.
Take care
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All day I was a mess, I woke my oldest daughter up cause I was afraid to be alone and I just started to bawl and started having a panic attack pacing my living room. After it ended I was completely exhausted. i rested until it was time to go to work, my other two kids started getting into a fight and I just screamed do not pull me into your teenage drama right now I'm on the edge of crumblin here!!! When I got to work I did everythin I could to hold it together and then I found out my manager had scheduled me for Sunday which is the day I move my daughter into college, I had specifically told her I had to have it off and she said no problem and then she scheduled me!! Tears came to my eyes and it was so hard to hold them back, normally I would have just handled it, but I'm so damn emotional. I did get control, but a few times I made comments that were so inapropriate  that I could have gotten myself fired!! I'm really praying for a better day today. I feel so overwhelmed, I'm sure you can relate...
Monday is a holiday here so i don't see me idiot therapist until Tuesday, not that I have any idea how to even talk to her anymore. I have no idea how to do therapy anymore, I don't trust anyone with my feelings, with my mind, I'm too afraid to let go, it's way toooo frightening for me, so I don't know how to do therapy, so I go in sit for a few and then I leave, and I just end up staying a frigin mess.
Anyway, I'm glad to hear your daughter's boyfriend is in the picture and taking some of the burden off of you, I know she's probably still begging for you, our children are like that, always wanting mum... it's good you stood your ground though and stayed home and got some rest, I hope you do the same today, especially cause you have the other kids to take care of.
Take care
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Funny how dependent I've become to seeing you on here...I hope everything is ok, I hope the reason you didn't respond yesterday is because your exhausted and not for any other reason...
I got my period today so hopefully my emotions will now start to stabilize a little bit, I really need them to, I'm in such a whirlwind lately and so tired from it..

take care hope to hear from you soon...
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Hi, sorry i wasn't on sooner, your right i'm so tired and i had to go up to visit again yesterday and last night and then i couldn't sleep well last night. I am feeling very depressed today, i thought the baby being born with help but it doesn't too, so much more responsibilty for me.
I am sorry to hear you are struggling, what about trying another therapist? Is that possible, would it help. Its a pity therapy isn't helping, maybe you need to tell her that.
It seems your kids stress you alot so do mine the two middle boys fight all the time so i know what its like.
Panic attacks are terrible they scare the life out of me i hate to be alone when they happen too.
I hope you have a better day today, when i get really emotional i feel like i am loosing control but thankfully that ease of i hope yours does too.
I really hope my social worker calls tomorrow i really need her sometimes.
My daughter is coming home today, in terms of money i don't know how we will cope i have no money at all that stresses me too.
I hope your day goes well and i will be on more again. Talk soon Take care
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Sorry to hear your daughter is pushing you so much... my 16 yr old son does the same to me. I wrote him this long letter explaining to him that I'm not in good condition right now and he has to stop pushing me, asking me for so much, but it's like it just bounces off his face or something, doesn't seem to have any effect on his brain because 2 seconds later he's asking me to take him somewhere or do something for him again!!! It's very frustrating...
Yesterday was an emotional roller coaster for me. I spent most the day setting my daughter's dorm room up at college which we had a blast, but when it was time to leave her behind, I didn't even get out of the drive way and I was bawling. She's a lesbian and the way some of the mothers were looking at her, it was horrible, I mean Kymm holds her own she knows who she is and is very confident with who she is, it's just me leaving her to the wolves. plus I just feel like everyone in my life leaves me, I just have such a hard time with abandoment issues. Too many people thru out my life have died or left. I'm going to try to pick myself up today and distract the best I can, don't have a lot of energy, but I don't want to just lay around in my sht, my head is too crazy right now.
Hope your day goes well.
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I think it could be there age, they just need alot of attention. I have a hard time with abandonment as well its horrible but my therapist is trying to help me see that sometimes people aren't rejecting me or abandoning me its just the i take it.
It would be hard leaving your daughter though, i imagine anyone would feel the same, she will probably cope really well.
I am still really tired and emotional, but i am leaving my daughter and her boyfriend to it, i let him stay a few nights to help out.
When she returns to school i will have the baby all the time so i will let them do it for now.
My social worker called today so i will meet with her later in the week and my therapist.
Are you seeing your therapist this week? It wasn't going well was it?
I hope you have a better day today, take care.
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I'm supposed to meet with my therapist today, but I just can't do it. I'm having trouble trusting anyone, my thoughts are scattered and I keep doubting everything everyone is saying to me like they're lieing to me or something. I'm going to try to do some chores today, I couldn't get anything done yesterday, I was too tired all I did was lay on the couch something I didn't want to do, but had no strength to do anything else.
I can't believe you have to take care of a newborn!!! I can't even imagine what that would be like if that happened to me. I can barely take care of myself somedays, I mean I know we find the strength no matter what when it comes to our kids, but for me it's just temporary, like I can always see the light at the end of the tunnel, when it's going to be over, but with a newborn, well, there's a huge responsibility. I give you  a lot of credit for being such a great mom, plus you still have your own little ones to take care of. Be gentle with yourself, take things in stride, no pressure, try not to listen to the negativity in your mind, because with all that responsibility, I'm sure it will come, and you need to be easy on yourself...Try to enjoy your day and get as much rest as possible and eat many small nutricious meals, to keep your strength up!
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Did you meet with your therapist?
I am ok for now the distraction of the baby is good, my daughter doesn't go back to school for 4 or 5 weeks so it might not be to bad.
My social worker makes sure i don't take to much on, she is constantly reminding me to take it easy. I was with my solicitor and he recommended i make a written complaint to the police, i'm not sure what to do, i will talk it over tomorrow with my social worker.
I hope you have a better day tomorrow and that you learn to trust your therapist again, i hope she can help you.
Talk soon Take care
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I did not meet with my therapist yesterday. Just left a message on her machine telling her I was having a hard time functioning and that I thought meeting with her would make me too tired. She never called or anything.
I got a lot of cleaning done yesterday, it felt good. I have to go to work today, which I'm really happy about I need the distraction. I joined the local gym, my son and I are going to go after I get home.
Yesterday I went to the dump, that's where we bring our trash, and this guy was flirting with me, so I was driving away and I was checking him out in the rearview mirror and I crashed right into a stone wall hahahaha!!! It was wicked funny!! I wasn't going fast and I looked up as soon as I was about to crash into it and slammed the brakes on so I didn't hit it that hard, I just started laughing and threw the car in reverse and drove away!!! Wicked cool impression though huh!!!!
Enjoy your day!!
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Its good you had a better day, yeah he will have a good impression of you.
Maybe your therapist will call today.
I'm not sure if i am to meet with my social worker today or tomorrow so i called her to ask but she hasn't called me back so hopefully she will soon.
Stressful day i'm very tired and my partner is driving me mad.
The gym is good i go there when i can, makes me panic too though.
I hope you have a good day at work and enjoy the gym. Talk soon, take care
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My therapist didn't call, she never calls. I could be dying and she wouldn't call. I don't know if that's part of the way she tries to help me or what. Because people with BPD are supposedly attention seekers so I guess she figures calling me would give into me seeking attention. When in actuallity it's just me being beyond my control of being able to help myself and I actual need her more, but she never has been able to see it that way, so she just leaves me out here to get sicker.
The gym helped a lot, I walked 2 miles, pounding the treadmill like I was pounding someone's face. The pain felt good, I guess if I have to hurt myself in some way this is probably the best way to do it. I hear the voices they're far away in my head,waiting to get me and distracting myself, just keep moving before they get me, is what I'm trying to do. I'm just scared because I'm afraid I'm going to run out of energy, but for now I just keep running. The voices want to hurt me, they want me dead, I don't know why, they have just always been there, always chasing me. But for now, they're far away, so I just keep running.
Off to work again today, chores and then the gym again and some grocery shopping.
Enjoy your day.
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My computer is playing up so if i'm not in touch for a while you will know why. I am glad the gym is helping i found it always helped me too.
I had my therapist today it went well we talked about emotions and my anger issues, he is trying to help me control my temper. I had a few really big fights with my partner this week.
Keep trying your therapist and tell her how desperately you need her help, whenever i call my therapist he always calls back maybe not straight away but he calls at some point, so does my social worker.
I hope all is well with you, and keep fighting those voices don't listen to them. Have a good day. Take care
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Sorry to hear your computer is acting up.. I never call my therapist, I don't like the disappointment of waiting and I spend the entire day anxious waiting for her to call back, it makes me crazy!!!
I'm glad you had a good therapy session, when it goes good it kinda feels freeing, like somehow you move a little forward. I haven't had that feeling in a long time, at least not from her anyway.
I'm going to my daughter's colleges today to watch them play soccer and field hockey, it's beautiful here today 75 degrees and sunny great day to be outside.
Have a good day.
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I do that too waiting on them to call me back drives me bad and then if they don't i feel really let down by them.
I saw my therapist in town today but he never spoke, he does sometimes but not today but then i was with my son so maybe he thought he shouldn't, its just that if he is telling me to include him in my world then i need to feel it. I am probably over reacting to it as usual. Something small like that could take away from all the good of the therapy.
It has rained here all day, you are lucky its nice.
How have you been lately, what do you think will happen with your therapist? Are you able to change her to another one, it doesn't sound like she is any help at all.
I hope you enjoyed your day, take care.
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I'm feeling feeling terribly exhausted today... I left the house at 10:30 yesterday and didn't get home until 9:40 last night. I had a wonderful day with my daughters, so proud of them but it was just a really long day.
When I get like this the voices get closer, it *****... and no I can't switch therapists, there are no available therapists to switch to, and besides that she's the best at the center so that means I would get stuck with someone who would treat me even worse and I would have to start from the beginning and I couldn't handle that.
I have never seen my therapist in public, I can't imagine what that would be like. I have no idea how I would react, probably just ignore her I guess.
Have to go get ready for work, try to muster up some energy, have a good one!!!
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Will you see your therapist this week? I hope your relationship with her improves for your sake.
I see mine in public alot even at the gym its hard sometimes i ignore him other times i say hello, depending on my mood, it seems he belongs to my other world or something, i can't seem to fit him into my everyday world, that doesn't make sense does it.
Anyway i am wondering how long i can stay sensible and more stable for, hope it lasts but i doubt it, i am feeling that familiar feeling creeping back in, i just hope i don't hit the bottom to hard on the way back down.
I am glad you had a good day with your daughters.
Hope you have a good day despite feeling so tired.
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I saw my therapist yesterday, I think she needs to see her own therapist!!!! I told her I took ritalin which is an adhd medicine that speeds up your metabolism, basically it's speed for people who don't need it. Anyway I told her I took it cause i felt the voices coming closer and i will do anything to avoid going into the hospital, and she was like "well i don't blame you"!!!! I said so your cool with me taking drugs? and she was like, well i guess it's better than burning yourself!!! She's such a freakin nut job!!! Well it's not like i have to take it everyday, at least not yet anyway.
I had a very energetic day yesterday, got a lot done and went to the gym. Today i'm visiting with my sister inlaw in high hopes of seeing george again.
Hope all is well with you.
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It is a bit strange she agreed with you taking drugs.
I am glad you had a more energentic day.
I am waiting on my social worker to call she was supposed to call yesterday but didn't and i really hope she calls today i hate that feeling, its like she doesn't care what has happened or how i am. I just wanted to stay in bed today but i had to get up, too much to do.
I hope your day is good and you get to see George. My son is away on a school trip and i'm very anxious about it, he isn't back until tomorrow.
How are you feeling today? Talk soon, take care.
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I didn't get to see Geo
rge yesterday, he's back with his girlfriend even though everyone at the house was rooting for me...Oh well, such is life, I guess. I had a good day any way with me sister-in law she makes me feel really safe, I can just be myself, my true self and she just loves me so much, it feels wonderful to be with her.
I decided last night to cut back on some of my medication because I'm trying so hard to lose weight and I feel like I'm paddling upstream and I know it's the meds, so I didn't sleep at all, maybe an hour. Hopefully I will learn to sleep on my own.
How old is your son that went on the trip? I can't believe your social worker hasn't called you yet!!! That's why I hate depending on them, but it's so hard becuase we do, they're the only ones that really get whats going on with us. I'm not seeing my therapist next week because we have a conflict in schedules and because of her cancer she doesn't work too much. So I won't be seeing her for 2 weeks. I have to work for 5 hrs 45 min today, it's a long shift for me because I only get one 15 minute break and it just wears me out, I hope I'm able to hold my mouth because latlely I've been swearing a lot, and I don't want to lose my job.
Hope you enjoy your day, glad your son is coming home today, to get rid of your anxiety, and hopefully your social will call today!!!
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Glad you are coping ok about George, your lucky you have somebody like your sister in law, no body ever makes me feel safe, my therapist does sometimes, and my social worker.
Hope you are ok without the medication.
My son is almost 15 but i hate them being away i panic and want them home there and then.
The social worker called yesterday but i missed her call so i called her today i am meeting with her on Friday and my therapist tomorrow, i really need them i am feeling so depressed, i told her that today, i just want to be stable and feel ok for a while.
My son got home ok i am glad.
I hope work goes ok for you, i would love a job but i panic so much, i have applied for a job in a nightclub i hope i get it i need to get out more.
I am also trying to loose weight i always comfort eat when i am depressed which is not good and i need to go to the gym but i am so tired.
I hope your day was good, and you didn't swear too much, talk soon take care
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I'm sorry you feel so depressed. I know how tiring that is. I hate being tired, I hate when I feel like life is sucking the energy out of me. I didn't end up going to work yesterday, instead I spent it in the emergency room at the hospital because I was in sooo much pain in my stomach.  They think I have irritable bowel syndrome, I have to call my regular doctor today. I got some sleep last night, which is really unusual for me, but I think it was cause yesterday took so much out of me. I'm really praying for a better day today.
Glad your son is home safe and sound, I'm the complete opposite, out of site out of mind. When my kids aren't here I don't think about them at all, it's weird.
Getting a job is very stressful, especially at the beginning, cause everything is new, you mess up a lot and you think to yourself I'll never be able to do this, but eventually it becomes like second nature and it's very easy. My daughter is becoming a waitress and she's really nervous, because she's a scatter brain, and I told her to just remember you won't be new forever, once you get the hang of it it will all be fine. I don't work much, but I'm so glad I do it , gives me purpose and some place to go and MONEY...which always helps!!! hahaha  So good luck to you if you muster up the courage to follow thru with it.
enjoy the day...
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Hi, are you feeling better today?
I left the application form in the bar today where i applied for the job so now i'll wait and see, i would like something different to do and to keep my mind as busy as possible.
I had therapy today i thought he was a bit of with me then i don't talk as much so it doesn't help, i think he is getting fed up again with me, i know its going to happen.
I hope your daughter does well at her new job, she will soon get used to it.
I think its because i'm depressed that maybe therapy didn't go well i'm just stressed and tired i'm fed up trying to be normal, i just want to be myself, i will break at some point and the panic is increasing as well i want to hide and make it go away.
I hope you had a better day, take care
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One thing I noticed about exercising is I'm able to handle the panic attacks a little better. It's like the exercise taught me how to deal with adrenialine rushes. I hope you do get the job, but just try not to panic if you do, I know that's easier said than done...
Too bad your session with your therapist went bad, i hate when that happens, you feel worse than when you went in, not helpful. You have a lot on your plate, a lot of responsibilities, it's too bad you couldn't delegate some of that to the older children. But I'm sure, having the newborn in the house is also making you really tired, even though it's hers your probably taking on a lot yourself. Go easy on yourself your just one person. Try not to listen to the judgements in your head about how you should be doing things so much better, it's probably adding to your stress.
I went to see my dr yesterday and they are running a catscan on my stomach on monday, she thinks it might be my gallbladder, but i guess it's very hard to diagnose. So we'll just have to wait and see, in the mean time i'm just left feeling sick all the time.
I have to work tonight and my son just informed me he has a soar throat and isn't going to school, and so it begins...enjoy your day!!!
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I'm glad exercise is working for you, i used to go to the gym alot and it helped and lately i have put on so much weight i need to do something. Two of my children are really ill so its stressful here they both have throat infections and sore ears.
I hope they will find out whats wrong with your stomach feeling sick is not nice.
I find added stress from the new baby i love her but i could do without the stress my daughter is very good with her though so its not too bad.
I was with my social worker today she cheered me up a bit, we talked about how much i hate myself and why she wants me to think about what i like about myself i told her nothing i am useless, just a depressing day.
I hope you had a good day and that work went well, take care
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I'm feeling really useless myself these days. I had to call in sick again yesterday, cause I had excruciating pain in my left arm for no reason. I couldn't move it and it felt like someone was squeezing it to death! I knew i wasn't haven't a heart attck but i didn't know what was going on. It's all just sending me into a panic cause i need the money that i missed out on this week from not working and plus just being in this house has got me crazy and not being on my meds, the walls are just closing in on me. I have to work in a couple of hours so i hope i make it this time.
You are absolutely not useless!!!! You are taking care of that HUGE family!!!! i know somedays you might not get a lot done, but you're still doing it. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Tell me one thing you like about yourself, I love the color of my hair and the fact that I'm 48 and still don't have to color it...ok your turn...
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I hope you manage to get to work and that you feel better today. I'm feeling depressed today i just wanted to stay in bed so i got up really late.
Can you cope ok without your meds?
Thats really good you don't have to color your hair yet.
I think i like the fact that i am a determined person if i start something i will do anything to stick it out and the fact that i am 35 but people think i look about 30.
I am taking my granddaughter out today to see if it helps me feel better.
I hope you have a good day. Take care
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1327415 tn?1294061489
hey
i'm a 17 year old girl who just got told i have bpd i have had clinical depression and anxiety dissorders a while, i also self harm and have eating dissorders anyway you two seem to know lots about bpd.
is it permanent? and i always am suicidal and tried to die 2 times this summer, does that go away ever?
can you tell me some things about it?
also my therapist thinks i should probably go into hospital if i don't improve over the weekend because my detachment is really bad and i keep having panick attacks. but i'm scared to go to hospital, what will they do? and how will i cope if i can't cut?

sorry and thanks if you fin the time to answer
meg
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I will help you if i can. The suicidal part is hard to deal with for me personally but after many attempts and scaring the life out of my therapist and family, i try other ways of trying to cope with the thoughts, the thoughts do pass its just finding ways of coping with them at that time. Do you have someone you can call when you feel like that, i find that works for me and distraction also works just do anything that occupies your mind, something that you really like to do.
What do you think about going to hospital, sometimes it can help, i have been there and my experience was ok i just found it hard being away from home but it wasn't a bad place. They can sort out medication for you there as well.
If you find it hard being there you should be able to talk to the nurses and tell them how you feel.
I can't really say if its permanent or not, sorry, i have heard that types of therapy work really well in helping you deal with your emotions and that should help.
What type of therapy do you get at the minute?
I also suffer from depression, anxiety and panic attacks so i know where you are coming from
I hope i have been of some help, feel free to post on here anytime if we can help we will. Take care
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bpd isn't permanent but personality can take a while to change.  People with bpd are generally in therapy for many years.
Suicidal thoughts and feelings do go away once the underlying issues are dealt with.  This too can take a while.  Suicide can become a way people with bpd cope with overwhelming feelings.

bpd is mainly diagnosed in women.  75% of those diagnosed with it have been abused.
bpd is typically a problem with regulating emotions.  There's lots of stuff that could be said about it.  

I like to look at bpd as being made up of both good and bad parts.  The idea is to have one part that contains both good and bad together.  (Not lots of separate good and bad parts.)  For example, you may not like hospital and have fears of going so you may think of it solely as being all bad.  A person who likes hospital may view it as all good.  The truth is that going to hospital has both good and bad aspects.  A positive is that it could take away some of the pressure and help you to feel more in control.  A negative could be that you hate the food.  Good and bad things will be different for each person.

What happens in hospital?  Usually you are seen by a doctor who will assess you.  They will discuss your situation and treatment with you.  Another doctor may be given the task of taking blood, etc to test for physical things which could affect your health and mood.  You will be given a room.  Depending of how much of a risk they consider you you may not be allowed to have some of your personal stuff with you, like for example, razor blades, etc.
In hospital they will place you on a certain level of observation.  These can be from someone being with you all the time to someone checking on you every 10 minutes to you having the freedom to move around and go on unassisted leaves.

With your symptoms it is likely that you will be asked to take medication.

Cutting is a maladaptive way of coping.  Not being able to cut may increase your feelings of anxiety, etc.  Any concerns can be discussed with staff.  They won't let you cut though.  If you need too they may increase medication or may offer you someone to talk too.

I expect one aim of hospital would be to lower your stress levels and to help you feel less detached.

People are resilient.  You'll cope.  Just keep talking to people.  That is one of the best things you can do.
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That was a really weird feeling I got seeing other people on our posts, I mean I know this is an open forum an all it was just weird to see other people posting here. i love Juquata she was here when i first started it's just that she gives wonderful answers it's just that she seems emotionally detached from them. I just feel really close to you and i felt like someone invaded our privacy...just saying.
Yesterday went ok. I went to work i felt sick but made it thru, i went to the gym but I couldn't go as far. Last night when I was laying in bed the weirdest thing happened I hd the worst panic attck!!! i wasn't thinking of anything I have no idea what brought it on, it was like no other panic attck i have ever had before because it was all in my body not in my head it was just crazy, it literally scared the frigin sht out of me!!!
So you look 30 that's awesome!!!! and you stick to things, I didn't start to stick to things until about 2 years ago, especially being depressed all the time.. your really lucky, becuse my depression made me give up on things really easy, I always gave up cause i got overwhelmed.
So my next thing is i weigh 225, and even though i'm fat I think i have sexy thighs, I've always thought my thighs were sexy. I guesss it's cause my brothers growing up told me men like thighs with meat. They don't have cellulite and they're firm, not flabby... ok your turn, what else do you like, come on I know ther's something else!!!
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Hi meg
welcome!!! I think it's funny you decided to read our posts,  when I was writing them i kinda felt like we were in a secret room that no one could see.
Anyway, I'm happy that your getting help at such a young age. I started to attempt suicide at your age as well but was ignored. Also had an eating disorder and was cutting. not until this summer did i start to burn. Well that's not entirely true did burn myself with a curling iron when i was younger. But anyway, self harm can take on it's on life, just like the eating disorder, it can take control of you and can take you to places you don't want to go. Trust me your young, it's best you try to stop now before it goes to places you don't want to go. And how, well right now for me I'm exercising, I started out with just a small amount a day 10 minutes, now i'm up to 40 minutes a day.
As far as the hospital, i look at it as a place to gain control, I absolutely hate it there, i hate having my rights taken away and people staring at me all the time, but when things get bad, i go. So if someone is telling you to go, you probably should just go, before things get worse. it won't last long and you'll be home before you know it.
Good luck honey, and feel free to chat here anytime....
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Yeah i feel the same, we are able to talk about anything on here you forget that others can read it as well, i feel close to you too its strange that we just get lost on here and forget about the world.
Sometimes it goes like that at the gym some days are easier than others, stick at it though.
I get those panic attacks too they scare the life out of me i want to escape so badly and i have no where to go and sometimes i can't find a reason either that makes it even more scary.
I like Jaquta's answers too they are good, they really help.
Weird thing last night some drunk man decided to sleep up the side of our house, my partner went out and went mad, i panicked so badly i couldn't breathe i thought i would never stop shaking, it brought back so many bad memories for me, i really want to move house now.
You have sexy thighs, cool i'm not sure about me maybe my smile my partner said i have a beautiful smile and my social worker called me a lovely looking young woman the other day when she trying to make me feel better about myself, i really don't see it though but anyway, my face is ok. I hope you have a good day, take care.
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I'm sorry for intruding on your space and privacy.  If it's any consolation I only scrolled through the last few.
It's interesting that you find me emotionally detached.  I guess that's a fair comment.  I'm too stressed to feel stuff emotionally at the moment.  I also feel a bit torn on the forum as it has felt less safe for me to discuss my issues.  I mean, how do you try and help others and discuss your own issues at the same time.  I'm not sure I would respect someone's advice if they were then to tell me their whole world was falling apart.  Or would I?  I don't know.  I respect others here and their views.  I guess I'm not very good at relating and relationships and I am wary of becoming too involved.  Maybe we are just at different stages of recovery?  Either way my prognosis seems worse as I'm not in a relationship.

I was just writing to apologize for posting here.  Sorry for the intrusion.
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Don't feel like that i don't see it as an intrusion. Is the comment about not taking advice from someone who is falling apart aimed at me, i didn't know i was falling apart.
I could really take this the wrong way but i won't because i see you as a friend or maybe the post isn't for me, either way its an open forum feel free to post whatever you know that.
You were on this forum before me and you give better answers, its not that your detached you just put it out there, the way it is, i know that i like you for that.
I think if i'm right i'm the only person on here in a relationship and that really doesn't make it any better, believe me when the only person you have in the world is the one who hurts you the most and you are trapped there.
You are right to not get to involved because even people on here are capable of hurting your feelings as well, as i now know.
No need to apologize you are free to write what you want.
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I agree with inneedofhelp, please don't feel like your intruding!!! Eeryone out here has bad days or weeks whatever that doesn't mean we can't help  each other, so don't be afraid to show your vulnerable side, it just shows you have the disease like us. I mean sometimes I get really sick and my symptoms are very present and other times I don't seem to have symptoms at all. Does that mean I'm cured? No that just means I'm learning better coping skills, but then sometimes I'm deep in it and my symptoms are all over the place.
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I went to the gym yesterday and I was able to make it the whole way 2 miles, so that was good. i'm sweating so much more than ever before which is weird, but whatever. Work was good too, and my stomach hasn't been tooo bad either. i have my cat scan today and I have to drink 2 bottles of this medicine so they can see inside my stomach I'm nervous about drinking it because I'm afraid it's going to make me puke...
That's crazy about the drunk outside your house that would have scared the daylights out of me and I haven't even experienced the trauma you have!!! Did you get any sleep? So glad you had a man with you, that's why I'm glad I have a neighbor down stairs he's 31 and very strong, he's like my son and definitely would protect us!! i'm so sorry that happened to you, but no sense in moving cause I guess it could happen anywhere unless your in a bad area.
People tell me all the time I have a nice smile, I don't really think so, I think my face is really fat and what they actually mean is i have nice eyes. My eyelashes are really long it looks like they are fake especially with mascara on. And I have a good heart which I think shines thru your eyes so people notice that. Gee I have gorgeous hair, beautiful eyes, and sexy thighs!!! I sound like a real catch, too bad I'm 225 lbs!!! hahaha!!!
Have a great day....
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Its not a good day today, i just gave the police the name of the guy who raped me four years ago i have made such a big mistake i never should have told them. I can't prove it, no one was there no one saw i can't even remember half of it.
Why have i done this?
I am glad you are doing well exercising and stuff, good for you.
How did the cat scan go?
You do sound like a good catch, don't worry about the weight part, i am over weight but still got men no problem but then i guess when you are offering sex its ok.
I am happy you have so many things good about yourself, well today mine is pure stupidity for talking to the police, no good thoughts at all, maybe another day.
Well i suppose i am still here after talking to them so thats something.
I hope you have a good day and you sound happier, good for you. Take care
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I posted at the other place and then read this...Sooooo sorry to read this, totally feel for you girlfriend, I feel like giving you a hug right now, that must have been absolutely horrible for you!!! I have no idea why but they always seem to make you feel worse too. I'm glad you went thru with it, hopefully the dirtbag will be put away, and you will have the strength to get thru this.
My cat scan went quick, no results probably in a couple of days, i'll talk to you on the other place, hang in there...
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I got my social worker at last but she wasn't much help, basically told me not to worry thats easy for her to say, but i have my therapist tomorrow maybe he will be more help, i hope. I still regret giving the name and i am hoping that i will be able to drop the whole case i will never cope with it and they are not listening.
I hope your results will be ok, have a good day.
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