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Could my boyfriend have BPD?
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Could my boyfriend have BPD?

Hello,
I fear my boyfriend has BPD or some other emotional disorder. He is 30 years old and did tell me that he has molested as a child, though I am not sure which details are true or not because he has been known to make up stories. We have been together over 2 years so I would say I know him fairly well. I will start from the beginning with his behaviors. From the get go, I noticed extreme mood swings. In an instant, if I said or did the wrong thing he would switch, most of the time turned to anger. He is verbally abusive during these times and takes no responsibility for himself. He seems to have difficulty focusing on tasks for any period of time and only likes to do or talk about things he is interested in. He has been paranoid for most of the relationship about my checking out other people or trying to flirt with them, etc. He is not responsible with money at all and has no problem spending large amounts even though he does not have any. His parents recently paid off all of his debts for him because of his sprees. He seems to be sexually aroused at all times and becomes extremely angry if I am not interested, and makes me feel dysfunctional. He has also been physically abusive to our cats. He seems to justify all of his behaviors and if I disagree with him, he becomes more angry and more abusive. There is much more to this, but I feel these are the biggest things to mention. He never wants me to go out, yet he is fine with doing things himself. I am really concerned that this is more than just a control issue. I know this is a really long question, but I don't know where else to turn. Also, keep in mind that he is completely unopen to the idea that something is wrong with him. He believes that all women are crazy and accuses me of being irrational and sensitive. It seems that fights always start because I do not agree with him and he does not get his way. Is this just a selfish, manipulative person or is something else going on? Also, at one time he told me his father was bipolar but has never sought treatment for it. Please help.
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10 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_n_tn
confused,

I am not a therapist, but here is my two cents. For a good overview of borderline personality disorder in males, please check out these links
http://www.gettinbetter.com/casanova.html
http://mentalhealth.about.com/cs/personaltydisordrs/a/borderline.htm
http://www.washington.edu/alumni/columns/dec05/minds01.html

I don't know if you're boyfriend is borderline, but he is certainly abusive. My advice is to leave the relationship ASAP. Borderlines take years of work.  Abusives are just not worth being with.

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Avatar_f_tn
Wow. I completely agree with the advice above from badlegacy. You have a responsibility to your pets and your self to get out of that situation for your *own* sanity and safety. You can't change the behavior and actions of another person... it's something they have to do on their own. I know all too well what it's like to be in an abusive relationship, and I relate to many of the things you mentioned above. The best thing I ever did was to leave. It's a VERY hard thing to do, I know. Especially after you've invested a few years into someone. Leaving them does not mean you're abandoning them, or even that you hate them. I feel no hatred toward my abuser, mostly pity. You are no help to someone if you enable them in their behavior and allow them to mistreat you. It gives them power, and not in the positive sense.The best thing you can do is be honest with them and get out of the situation. They will seek help when they're ready. But please... help yourself. Mental and physical abuse should not be tolerated. Take care of *you* first.
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242912_tn?1402547092
Your boyfriend is very ill.    

If he is abusive to animals, which is sickening by the way, it is only a matter of time before he is physically abusive to you.  

Please....I know it's hard to leave someone you love, but this is not love and you can not fix him.  You need to run away before your situation goes from bad to worse...which it will.  

I have a neighbor who's husband is exactly how you describe and I mean EXACTLY.  It has been sad to watch.  The police are there frequently.  If you stay with this man, he will alienate you from family and friends, won't let you work or leave the house....the list is endless with the control.  Btw, this man does meth too.  Takes everything they own apart, then leaves it.  Their house is a mess.   I keep an eye out for her because I'm afraid he may kill her in a fit of rage someday and bury her in the backyard.  

You need to ask yourself why you are putting up with this!
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Avatar_n_tn
you guys are ruthless. I am a man living with BPD who is finally getting help. First I want to add that just because someone has a mental illness doesn't mean that you have to run off from them. I would have to say if you really love them, try and help them to go get help. Naturally they have to want the help or nothing positive is going to come from it. My wife just left me after having our son who is 9 months old now. I was never physically abusive, NEVER called her nasty names but did have mood swings. I did have drug problems in the past never with her. Stand by your loved ones and do everything in your power before you make the rash decision of leaving them behind. For God's sake. I am so tired of reading things on this stupid internet that just tells people to leave the situation. The people writing these letters are always writing about the one side as well. Mental illness' are a disease just like any other disease. if your husband/wife gets a brain tumor or cancer of some form do you just leave them? hell no it's ludicrous. Now, with that being said, if they evntually don't want to get help and you actually fear for your life. then, leave. I think BPD's arn't as much physical abusers as more mental abusers. Most BPD's also are very very loving which is the true them. get rid of the disease ,actually get it under control> and you have yourself a great partner.
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945463_tn?1266525533
Honestly I don't like telling people to get away from the ones that they love but if you cannot convince him to seek help than it is just not worth your physical safety or well - being.

I watched my mother in a similar situation that escalated rather quickly. After he started trying to control her he started hurting our pets. Next he killed them. Then he started hitting my mother. My mother eventually left him years later but by then the damage was already done.

If he was really trying to get help I would probably stay stick with him because he would need your support but it doesn't look like he is ready to realize that there is a problem.

At this point I would ask if you love him enough that you would be willing to die by his hands because with the road he is on it could very easily come to that.

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Avatar_f_tn
It wasn't until I moved out that my boyfriend of 3 years would even consider the possibility that he had a mental illness.  Only then, when he felt so low, would he read the books I had given him and make an appointment to see a doctor.  It was hard to see him at his lowest, it was scary.  But after 3 years of abuse, violence, unpredictable responses, lies, etc I finally realized that by staying with him and forgiving everything in an effort to support him I was only reinforcing his behavior by allowing him to never take responsibility and ultimately prolonging is start towards recovery.  It was actually selfish of me because I wanted to push past our issues to get back to the good parts, just as he did.  True love does not enable self destructive behavior in any format.  If you watched a loved one drink or use drugs everyday to the point of physical and mental harm would you stand by and watch without saying a word?  Would you hand them another drink just to avoid a fight?
As mentioned above, no- most people would not walk out on their spouse when they were diagnosed with cancer, but most cancer patients do not mentally, verbally, or physically abuse their partner on a regular basis as so often happens with BPD.
You do have a responsibility to yourself.  You do deserve to be loved and treated with respect, as does your partner.  You have to keep yourself safe.  And anyone who thinks mental/verbal abuse is somehow not as bad as physical abuse is sadly mistaken.  Words hurt.  That kind of abuse can cause more mental illness- depression, anxiety, etc.  No one should allow themselves, and especially not innocent animals, to be abused.  
I'm still trying to work things out with my boyfriend because I love him.  It's hard.  It will only work as much as he is willing to work which changes daily, but he is making progress.
YOU CANT SAVE HIM AND YOU CANT DESTROY YOURSELF TRYING.
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Avatar_f_tn
I strongly advise you to get out of this relationship if you haven't already. I can only advise this based on my own experience of dating someone with BPD. My ex boyfriend was very open and loving and affectionate at the start of our relationship and admitted he suffered from depression, which did not bother me at all. But as soon as we got more comfortable with each other he would react with extreme aggression, anger and verbal abuse to me in many situations. A lot of his reactions often struck me as unnecassarily extreme or dramatic, in response to trivial triggers like me taking a while to respond to an SMS or forgetting something he had told me. Latterly, he began to verbally abuse me on almost a daily basis, telling me I was sexually incompetent (when I really have not had any other complaints and I am in my 30s and fairly experienced) and repeatedly swore at me on the phone when I asked him not to shout at me. He sent me abusive messages telling me what he thought of me but would then switch to loving and affectionate when he felt better. He is completely oblivious to his own behaviours and believes that (as you said too) that all women have issues (not him) and that we are to blame for setting off his temper. I am a placid-natured person who hates and tries to avoid confrontation in any situation. I never tried to rile him. He would walk out of my house if I disagreed with anything he said and he was extremely sensitive if I gave an opinion on anything to do with his work/life/family that he didn't agree with. If I chose to disagree with something he said he would immediately remove himself from my presence with some kind of verbal attack saying that he will not be spoken to or disrespected like that. If I ever changed any of our plans (through no fault of my own - like a delayed bus or train) he would refuse to meet me and tell me I had no right to mess him around and launch into another aggressive attack. I eventually admitted to my flatmate that I was afraid of him and also afraid to sever ties in case he reacted badly. He has often woken up in a rage during the night about something that I may have said or done weeks previously that he didnt react to. He would then decide it was time to react and would throw me out of his house in the middle of the night and leave me to walk home alone. I took months to leave him because I worried about him and cared for him. But once you do you will realise that you do not deserve to be treated like that and he needs some help. You cannot save him. He does not believe there is anything wrong with him. my ex boyfriend told me that I needed psychological help and I almost started to believe him. Please save yourself and get away from him now. I urge you, you will find it so much easier once you have made the first step.
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Avatar_f_tn
i am going through a very similar experience to yours.  thank you for posting.
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Avatar_f_tn
You stole my story almost exactly.  
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Avatar_m_tn
i was debating and excusing my boyfriend for such a long time. i am in the middle of a super similar story. the scary part, you start believing its yourself that is doing something wrong. but you get the signs all along. the constant taking things subjectively instead of objectively is a tell tell sign. no matter what you say, its always wrong. this person has a hard time sharing happy moments with me. its so so sad, considering how sweet this man was for a very long time, like 10 months or so....looking back, i do think some reactions where off. also, the comment about wanting to get married so soon i thought was way to fast. when abusive behavior happens, immediately a text follows saying, I AM SOORY. well, the accusation and then the sorry just don't work for me anymore. i am drained and i am partially on the ground. as people say here, this type of man is either getting counseling or we women have to walk. its so so damaging, that some of my friends think i lost my so worldly, interesting & fun spark. they think i obsess about this guy and our issues way to much. i still hope he will go into couple counseling, but fear, he will be so destructive and talk the counselor to the ground. he already threatened to do so. in my case, he threatened other people or me & its seem to be a fun game for him. he  really is a sicko man that i fell in love with 1 1/2 years ago. but i feel like i am loosing my love for him now. it should be any woman's reaction of self preservation to get out. we women are strong and we can't be put to the ground like this. and its what one of the responds said, the person with the disorder thinks truly he is not doing anything wrong. thanks for reading.
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