Did my ex-gf possibly have BPD?

[vrk320]

hey everyone,

my gf and i broke up after about a 4-5 month relationship.  but in this relationship, 2 1/2 months have been absolutely mentally draining.  it came to a point where it would be break up, back together, break up, back together, etc.  finally it all ended.  

here's the thing though.  when we first got together, she did tell me she used to do drugs in the past, such as X, cocaine, and LOTS of weed....several times a day.  she quit doing those things 3-4 years ago.  now, there are 4 things that she does:  alcohol, weed, smoking ciggs, and vicadine.  however, she told me in the beginning that she rarely takes vicadine, smokes weed about once every 2.5 weeks, drinks alcohol occasionally, and smokes about 1 or 2 ciggs in a span of 4-5 days.  well...when i was finished with my 1st year of med school, i was doing research in forensic psychiatry for the summer and moved down to the same city she was in for the summer.  all things started then.  i noticed that she drank every single day...and im' not talking about 1 or 2 beers...it would be about 5 or 6 beers, couple of shots, or couple of big glasses of gin/tonic drinks.  then, she'd practically smoke weed just about everyday...maybe every other day.  she smoked half a pack of ciggs each day.  and also, she would pop vicadine several times, which i had to find out from her friend, since she swore to me that she would never take vicadine or any narcotics again.

if we ever had arguments, it would be about the drugs issue...b/c tn started to worry me how much she was consuming.  i'm learning currently in med school how much is too much....and she has definitely surpassed that limit.  so she would get highly defensive about me asking about that saying things like..."just let me be....it's my body...sto' trying to be my mother....i do what i want....stop worrying...i have it under control...."  but these arguments immediately resulted in a break up.   NEVER did we "talk" about or work out our conflicts.  always...ONE argument resulted in a break up.  

she never wanted to "open up" to me in the past, b/c she was "ashamed of it and didn't want people to feel bad for her"...but one night she really did open up to me.  she did get sexually abused when she was a child by a crackhead guy, and she said she practically knew how to masterbate since the age of 5.  she got physically abused by her step father throughout middle school to high school years.  she finally moved out, and that's when she started doing hard drugs...like X, cocaine, etc.  her entire family was highly involved with crack, cocaine, and drug abuse.  her mother possibly did those drugs while she was pregnant with her as well.  around the age of 7, she had massive surgery of her spine b/c it was completely misaligned...so there was definitely some type of developmental problems.

we both are lesbians also.  she used to be "straight" up until high school and her first year of college.  since then, she has completely switched to girls.  we intensely fell in love, and she would say things like..."i could see myself with you in your future, you are everything i have ever wanted in someone, etc etc etc."  but she'd be like htat one week....the next week she would be like..."we're too differnet....i don't want to be with you...just go...i'm not going ot follow you...just leave me alone...what don't you understand...i don't want to be with you."  but literally 1 day after that, she would come back to me saying how much she loved me.  she would say negative thigns like that...everytime we get into the arguments about her drug problem.  she was so paranoid all the time that i sit there and "judge" her about her drug problems and just her in general.  she constantly was like...."i'll never be good enough for you...i'll never make you happy....i'm not good in relationships...i'm not good in anything in life..."  she switched her major about 3 or 4 times, constantly saying she wants to or could have been a doctor, a nurse, a translator, a psychologist, etc...but would never stick to anything.  she constantly said to me that i just have high expectations of her and she would never make me happy.  and also as far as jobs, right before going to work, she'd either take a few hits of weed or pop a few vicadine pills.  and drinking has ALWAYS been constant every single night.

so, one day i sat down and read the entire description of BPD in the DSM-IV-TR, and seriously...to my disbelieve...reading every single line made me think about all the behaviors she does.  i really honestly think she does have this disorder.  i also realize everyone has few characteristics of a lot of personality disorders, but she definitely matches 8 out of 9 criterias for BPD down to the T (the one that she doesn't have is the self-mutiliating behavior like cutting and hurting herself physically...i believe it's criteria #5).  so, i'm not sitting here reading a few websites and a few things and coming up with a conclusion.  both my parents are psychiatrists and my brother is a psychiatrist as well, and i'd like to go into psychiatry as well in the future.  i have done research in forensic psychiatry over the summer.  however, being gay, and my parents not really accepting of it, i couldn't really talk about this with them....b/c they would just dismiss the entire thing and talk about the issue of homosexuality rather than the real problem of the possibility of BPD and definite substance abuse with this girl.  so i'm trying to make an educated guess being a 2nd year medical student as much as possible...but of course, i am also accepting the fact that i could totally be wrong.  

all i want to know is from some people out there...do these actions sound similar to a BPD person?  right now...her and i are broken up...which i need time to heal...but eventually...i want to try to convince her to go get help...but i have no idea how to bring it up or make her realize or try to find it within herself to get help.  i know she wants to go to a psychiatrist and get help for her problems b/c she has expressed that to me, but hasn't been able to do so b/c she didn't have health insurance.  but finally she has gotten insurance from the school for this year, and i want to try to convince her or help her realize within herself to go get help.  but i just don't know how to let her realize that she may have BPD...which  i know you really can't do to that to certain people.

if anyone could help me in this situation, i would greatly appreciate it.  bottom line is, i do love this girl, and i really do care for her.  it will take me time to heal b/c we just broke up...but after a few weeks or whatever, i do want to start talking to her again and trying to make her realize that she has two major problems:  1) substance abuse 2) possibly BPD - which i know i really can't tell anyone that they have a "personality" disorder.  

i truly believe that if she can get some type of therapy or help, she could become better.  but i just need a little bit of direction as to how to address certain issues like this to someone.  i can't stand seeing herself hurting herself like this anymore.  she NEEDS help.

any help is appreciated.  i hope to hear from someone....

thank you.




--vrk320
  

[Steph4302]

A Substance Abuse disorder would most likely be her only diagnosis based on the information that you have provided. It is difficult, if not impossible, to diagnose a personality disorder (or any other mental health disorder) while one is actively and frequently abusing substances. To help her at this time, she needs to get help for controlling her drinking. I do believe that she is self-medicating for whatever distress she is feeling on the inside. I don't think that she knows how to proactively deal with her emotions which most likely are residual from the abuse she suffered as a child and teen. Has she ever received therapy for the abuse? It also sounds like she might be suffering from Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder rather than BPD. CPTSD results from prolonged, chronic trauma such as abuse. Google it for more info or send me a private message with your email address and I will email you articles about CPTSD and how it is similar to BPD.

I can only imagine how difficult it is to get through to her and it is important for you to support her (assuming you are still in contact with her). I highly suggest not mentioning BPD to her. If you do so, you are basically telling her that she has a "flawed personality" when in fact, I believe that her issues are a direct result of the abuse she has suffered - which was completely out of her control. By telling her she has BPD, you are almost placing blame onto her for not being able to control herself or her personality. This would be extremely problematic and would likely backfire.

I suggest you work on helping her see that her drinking is too frequent and even use some of your medical knowledge to educate her on the dangers of alcohol abuse. While I think she is numbing her pain with the alcohol, I don't think it is a good idea at this time to tell her that or to bring up the abuse (unless she does so first). People with a history of abuse are highly sensitive to any information regarding the abuse and will either completely withdraw, act out, or shut down if they are confronted with memories of the abuse that they do not initiate.

May I ask how she has been acting since you have broken up? Has she maintained the distance from you or been in frequent contact with you? Does she have any other close friends that she confides in?

Take it one day at a time with her. It is easy for both of you to get overwhelmed at this time. I think it courageous of you to want to get her help but ultimately, she will not get treatment unless she, herself, realizes that it is a problem. It will take some time but stay strong. Feel free to contact me with further questions, advice, or for the articles that I mentioned.

Steph

[vrk320]

Steph,

thank you so much for responding.  

well we officially broke up about 3 days ago, where the conversation was over the phone with her telling me "she loves me as a person and cares for me, but doesn't love me like that anymore and is ready to move on from the relationship....this relationship is just one that is not working out and never will...."  well obviously...here i was crying while i was on the phone still asking..."why why...what went wrong...where did things go wrong..."  but of course...i wasn't getting any good answer from her.  she basically left it up to me to call her back at a time where i can talk to her over the phone without crying or getting angry.

usually she always calls back or texts back after "breaking up" with me...but this is the first time where we haven't been talking (it's been 3 days, and in the past times she broke up with me, we never went past 1 day of not talking).  she did say i could call her whenever but only if i don't get angry or cry to her again about it and asks questions to her where she really can't give a straight answer.  so she has been maintaining distance from me.  she has a few friends she does confide in, and i talked to one of them on the phone last night for about 3 hours.  he was the one who filled me in on how she has done this in the past before and is not at all surprised as to how our relationship turned out, b/c she has done this to several girls before and hurt them really bad like this, which left them so clueless as to what actually went wrong.  she would do the entire break up, back together roller coaster with them as well. and he said that she REALLY REALLY abuses her alcohol, weed, and vicadine use.  he was telling me how all her friends, including him, KNOW that she has SOME problem other than the substance abuse, but no one can pin point it.  they all know that she does have a problem with drugs and drinking, but she just gets defensive whenever it's brought up.  she tells them straight up that she can't handle being criticized about it.

thanks for telling me about the CPTSD thing.  please tell me more about that, and i will message you my e-mail address.  i don't think she has ever received therapy for her abuse problem, b/c she told me that she has NEVER told anyone about being sexually abused around 3 years old...not even her mother.  so i'm assuming she has never mentioned anything about sexual abuse to her psychiatrist in the past either.  i'm not sure whether she has mentioned anything about physical abuse either, which by the way she has been physically abused by her step-father, and her uncle has threatened to kill her.  she also used to tell me how she would have dreams where she'd wake up and be absolutely terrified...and they were just "bad dreams....really bad dreams..."

she has told me that her psychiatrist in the past has diagnosed her with ADHD and bipolar (which i do NOT agree with the bipolar disorder whatsoever.  the ADHD i'm thinking is probably due to the excessive drugs that she uses).  she is prescribed Ritalin (methylphenidate) and that's the only medication she takes....but even that, it's once in awhile i believe.  she said she never wanted to take the "other medications prescribed b/c it made her so flat in her mood where she didn't feel any kind of emotion, and she refuses to take that stuff again..."

one thing i was thinking earlier is...you are definitely right that there is no way i would sit there telling her "you have a personality disorder..."  i know better not to do that.  however, i am trying to think how can i get her to get help for her substance abuse problem.  b/c bottom line question...i think...is the substance abuse causing her specific behaviors, or is it the specific behaviors that she has learned to do over her childhood and teen years, caused her to become a substance abuser?  kind of like the chicken and egg...which came first.  of course...her traumatic events as a child/teen may have caused a lot of what she has done...but the substance abuse doesn't really help the situation either....it's an on-going cycle that's not being broken.

she is definitely willing to see a psychiatrist but hasn't due to having no health insurance...which she finally signed up for again.  she has expressed to me that she knows she is "not normal, not right, something is wrong with me, but i don't know what it is..."  so she realizes that SOMETHING is wrong with her...which i think is a good step.  so once i cool off (b/c trust me...at this point...i still am really in pain and am hurting and i'm trying my hardest to separate that emotion from trying to help her), i do want to try and bring that up...b/c seriously it is worrying me.  each time i do, all she says is..."it's my body, don't judge me, what's it to you?  i can control this...i have all this under control..."  i know that i can at least call her up and hopefully i will be emotionally stable enough to talk to her about the problem at hand and not about our relationship anymore at that point.

i want to help her and somehow help her to realize that her substance abuse problem is still serious.  in her mind, she doesn't believe it's AS serious b/c 3 or 4 years ago, she was in REALLY bad condition when she used to do X, cocaine, pop pills excessively, and drink excessively, and she went through rehab for her weed problem.  so in her mind, what she is doing now is probably a lot "better" and a huge "improvement"...but still...the bottom line is...there is excess consumption of drugs.  it bothers me that all her friends DO see this, and none of them are trying to help her or make her realize in getting help...but i guess when they also pop vicadine pills once in awhile, it doesn't help either.  i am probably the only girls she has ever been around where i drink socially/occasionally (and i do mean that), don't and never have smoked weed, and never popped pills.  so to her...it's probably "abnormal" to see someone like me, whereas ALL her friends smoke weed, drink a lot, and pop random pills like that.

i think after a few weeks of not talking to her and calming myself down from a heart-broken relationship, then i can be stable enough to slowly talk about it.  med school is starting for me in 9 days again, and maybe i'll be occupied enough not to dwell on the relationship anymore and i can actually talk to her about the problem at hand....but of course...very slowly and in a non-confrontational tone.

thank you for your response.  i hope i have clarified any questions for you.  

[singingwillow22]

Well, she sounds like a mixture of me and my ex roomie...both of us have the same diagnosis BPD and Bi-polar I. I am clean now, but only for two weeks. I could not function without smoking pot, popping pills, and later snorting coke. I am not a r, so I can not say for sure, but it sounds like me. I am also a lesbian...was sexually, physically, emotionally, and mentally abused.

I hate to say this, but honey you can't help her. Only she can help herself, and she will have to hit bottom first. It *****, but I have been there. She has to want it, and at this point she is so far in denial that she will take anything you say as a personal attack. When she hits bottom she may call you, be there, but STAY STRONG, she will try to manipulate you into caring for her and continuing on a path of co-dependency. Help her get help, but DO NOT RESCUE HER!!!! The biggest thing BPD people do is put themselves in situations to be rescued, and as long as they are rescued they will continue the behavior.

I wish I could give you more, but that is all I know from my experience. Good luck, honey. Take care of you, and do not feel guilty for not being able to save her...it is her job to save herself.

[vrk320]

thank you so much for your response.  

a couple of years ago, she said she hit rock bottom with all her drug problems, and she even went through rehab for her weed problem.  but now, i'm thinking more and more about our entire time together, and this girl seriously could not go more than 1 day without having alcohol.  she definitely is an alcoholic, but of course the first time i realized she went literally 3 weeks straight drinking every single night over the summer.  so, i addressed it to her.  and she said..."omg...i'm not an alcoholic...you think i am?  you're crazy...i know how to take care of myself.  i don't have a problem...it's just the summer....i'm just having a good time....i'm not like this during the fall/winter times.  i can definitely go days without having alcohol...it's just...it's there, i drink it.  but i can do without it."  

well many times, alcohol has been right "there" in front of me....and i don't choose to drink it. but this girl seriously has a drinking problem the more i think about it.  and working as a server in a bar doesn't really help the situation either....  

ahhh.....still so heart-broken though....and i'm getting through day by day....it's just i've come to the point of i don't even know who to trust anymore....i have mixed feelings of wanting to help her/rescue her, but i feel that the other half of me has been mentally abused with this pushing and pulling from her side.  and i will definitely take your advice in NOT trying to "Rescue" her...b/c then it'll be the same cycle all over again.

thanks again.



--V

[singingwillow22]

Look, I am not sure if I am supposed to do this or not, but if you have yahoo instant messenger...I am singingwillow22  Im me, sometime. I can listen anytime. *hugs*