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Do I give up?
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Do I give up?

Ive been involved in a relationship with my bpd wife for 4 yrs.  I dont know if i can go on anymore.  Is there ever a light at the end of the tunnel?  She doesnt even think she has a problem.  We are currently seperated and we arent on the best of speaking terms.  I have been through this before and she usually comes back or calls.
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684030_tn?1357024374
Hi... I was in a 1 year relationship with a BPD man that just recently ended.
He ended the relationship; and, we parted ways under less than amicable
circumstances.
As in your case, my ex-boyfriend and I are not communicating well. It's his choice
... he hasn't contacted me. I left an opening for that to happen .. but he hasn't
embraced the idea, as of yet... yes, I guess that I still hold out hope. But, like your wife. He too won't admit to having a serious problem. Can you go back to her? I don't know.
It might depend on your tolereance threshold.
I realized shortly before our break-up that, realistically, I could never live with this man.
I, personally, felt that I didn't feel free to be myself.
I'd forever be worrying and wondering: "... if I say this, he'll get pissed off."
"... if I do that, he'll take it wrong." He could "blow-up" in a fit of rage for anything, and
that would happen anywhere... and, everywhere. And, that anger could be directed to
anyone; not just to me. I'm a quiet and patient woman; but, I do have my limits.
Would I want to get back together with this man? Within certain perimeters, yes... as
there is this part of me that wants to help him in his struggle; plus, I still have deep
feelings for him.
But, since the BPD individual typically sees life in a black & white or, all or nothing way.
You may not be able to work out a compromise with her. But, it's worth a try.
And, as for the exact same question that I have asked myself, " is there light at the end
of the tunnel?"  For the BPD individual, I would hope that the answer is "yes." But, it would appear that that can only occur with theraphy and similar support systems in place. And, even with that, the healing process would no doubt be a lengthy one.
For you, myself, and the non-BPD loved one, yes.
There is a light. I guess it is what one would call , "Enlightenment." Knowledge and understanding provides that. I see BPD in a whole different way as I didn't realize that my ex-boyfriend's behavior was probably a manifestation of BPD during our involvement.
I've only been able to see things with a measure of clarity being on the outside of the relationship. I can honestly say that I am "out of the dark" and getting "into the light."
I hope that I've helped you in some way as I've gone through your same journey.






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Avatar_f_tn
Some people with bpd have trouble admitting (to others) they have a problem.
Some don't have insight.  I think I probably gained my awareness through severe crises.

I need to go, Dad is making this horrific noise next door.

j
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Avatar_f_tn
I'VE BEEN MARRIED 29 YRS,,I AM 60 MY HUSBAND DRINKS ALOT HAS GAINED WEIGHT HE'S ABOUT 250 , 5'10" MAKES IT UNPLEASUREABLE TO ENJOY SEX, HAVE TOLD HIM UNTILL HE STOPS DRINKING SO MUCH AND LOOSES SOME WEIGHT THERE WILL BE NO MORE SEX HES A GOOD MAN HAS MADE ALOT OF CHANGES USE TO BE SO CONTROLING,NOT VERY COMPASSIONATE, I AM BODERLINE FOR 11 YRS ,,WAS VERY ANGRY FOR ABOUT MOST OF MY MARRIAGE,,FOR REASONS LISTED ABOVE PLUS STEPPARENTING DIDN'T HELP,,,,IV'VE RELEASED ALOT OF MY ANGER..AND THINGS ARE SO MUCH BETTER...BUT WE'RE LIKE BROTHER AND SISTER...I FEEL LIKE A ROBOT ,,THERES NO EMOTION ,HE'S 58 RETIRED 2 YRS ITS NICE HAVING HIM HOME ,,,BUT I MISS AFFECTION I DON'T INSTIGATE IT CAUSE WHAT GOOD WILL IT DO ME,,I LOOK YOUNGE FOR MY AGE AM ATRACTIVE STILL GET HIT ON,,, I DO KEEP MYSELF UP BUT I FEEL LIKE I'M GETTING OLD ,,I WON'T PUT OUT  AND HE WON'T STOP DRINKING NOT EVEN FOR SEX, TRUST ME HE DRINKS ALOT
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Avatar_f_tn
To Iwojima

Generally people don't change unless they want too.  Your husband needs sufficient motivation to initiate change.

I wonder why he has turned to alcohol.  Perhaps he is feeling unfulfilled??  Not taking due care of himself, his health and his marriage conveys a lack of self-respect (?and self-responsibility).

Perhaps if you told him how you feel or initiated your own affectionate behaviors (this doesn't have to be sex.  You could go for a romantic walk someplace and hold hands.  This way you get affection and he gets exercise).

It sounds like you both could do with some time away together.

\
To ED709

Sometimes there is light, and sometimes there isn't.

It seems strange that someone without the disorder would ask this question (it is perfectly understandable though).
If you are asking this question then imagine how your wife must be feeling.  At least you get the option to walk away.  People with the disorder don't.

Do you still love your wife?

I always thought that marriage would solve any problem.  I think the partner needs to be very strong though.

I think you need to decide what is important to you and what you want from life.
I think that if there is something that can be salvaged from the marriage then you owe it to yourself and to your wife to work towards achieving that.

I think your wife would probably benefit from some sort of therapy.  I think you would probably benefit from some sort of counseling/ support yourself.
I think you need strong boundaries.  I don't think her walking out on you (at a whim) is acceptable (if that is what is happening).

Some people recommend precipitating crises so that the other person crashes and then does require input.  (This would probably easily be achieved by not having her back -on her terms.  I think you need to be extremely careful with this approach though).
You could try and set limits/ boundaries on her behavior (her coming and going, etc).  You could possibly try making therapy a term of accepting her back.

You need to discuss the situation with your wife and an experienced health professional (doctor, psychiatrist, therapist, etc).

Good luck
J
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Avatar_m_tn
I am a couple of years into a realtionship with a BPD wife and we are going to our first appt. soon with a psyc.  I think my wife is a borderline BPD if there is such a thing.  I can tell you that I would have a hard time if she was much worse than she is now.  If she were unmedicated and would not acknowledge that she had issues at all......I am not sure I would still be here. From what I read in your post, I don't know that I could do it.  If she were gone and wouldn't even admit she had a problem... I would cut my emotional losses and call it quits. (just my opinion)  I love my wife dearly but being on the receiving end of her  tirades when she has them has been enough for me. It is like she has no emotional anchor and the seas can be stormy without any warning at all sometimes.  I truly feel like I am losing myself and who I am because of how she demands I behave and such.  No compromise on her part, ever.  My wife has not been formally diagnosed yet but I know without a doubt that BPD is what she has.  The part I struggle with on a number of occasions is how adapt she is at turning things around to the point that I question whether there is anything wrong with her... or if it is me. I seem to cause all of her issues. I am very relieved to know we at least stand a chance with getting some help with things. I love her dearly but can only handle so much.
Good luck with what ever your decision is. I know it is a difficult one.    
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Avatar_m_tn
Well, here i go again.  I started talking to her again and she still wants to try and save our marriage.  She said she would go to counseling on her own.  We are not planning on moving in together anytime soon.  Wish me luck
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Avatar_f_tn
Good luck!!

I think it's extremely important that a person work on them-self first before engaging in a relationship.  People also need to have their own identity.  This will strengthen a relationship.

It was very noble and courageous of you to extend an olive branch (by listening and talking).  I don't expect that was easy.

It is a good sign that she is committed enough to you and the marriage to want to make it work.
It's great that she's agreed to counseling.  Counseling can be extremely challenging so sometimes making the decision to go is the easy part.  Staying there is the hard part.

It's perhaps a good idea to have that space.  I hope, that if it works for both of you and it is appropriate, that you maintain some sort of contact/ communication.

I really hope this works for you.  Changes won't happen overnight so please be patient.

Don't forget to take care of yourself too.

J
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Avatar_n_tn
I thought i was the only having facing this kind of problem...seriously that drain me out!!!!..i got marry 3month ago and dated my wife for 10years.. but things starting getting worst and worst after marry.  for example (if i can still remember the problems.).
- out of the blue...within 2 week asked for a divorce.
- wanted me to make a sandwich for her lunch no ingredients(in the morning she agree go to costco for ingredients, but at night totally different), i told her we unable to get ingredients by tomorrow. she got upset right of way by saying "I should runaway with a man, instead of sticking with a loser like u". (of course i got PO over that kind of language, didnt yell or anger, just say really calm i super disappoint the words it just came out of ur month)
- Blame everything single thing on me. Need to carry all the burden/respondibles for her
- always require me to tell her where i am? what i will do next? and where i will go.
-But when i ask her where she's going...she said none of my business, and **** off at me.  and otally annoy the questions.
-Always compare with pple's wife...why their hubby treats her better than her, hubby give the whole pay check to wife, wife dont need to work why she needed to work, why cant be stay home wife.
-doing a lot of things that project to other to feel pity for her. and show pple i'm the person who is harming and abusing her.
-Always think she is fat (my wife 5'5" weight 102-105lbs.)
-Always thing i'm against her in all sores ways.
-Controducting of what she saying...she will like u to do this in this mins but the next mins she will request me to do totally th opposite.
-No limits in her verbal abuse...she can say the most hurtful, irrespondsible, personal attacks include things about your families.
-Have a fixed thought that I am dominating and controlling her(bot side of families, and friends know i'm the most flexible person they know. And i really hated to dominating other because it's like an animal act and i dont to be dominated as well.)
the list can go on and on........but i'm here not to make my wife sounds bad, but i am facing this matters almost daily basis. it's killing me. I'm love her no question of that, but in her world that's not the case. no matter how much i pleases, spoils, and she my positive loves to her(which a lot of time is not right to do against my faith and standards.)

Help me out peers......i think i will lose my self sooner or later....
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Avatar_f_tn
Is there ever a light at the end of the tunnel?   --  your words

To answer your question  --  probably not.
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Avatar_n_tn
But the love one.....it tough....can't abandon them....it's like 50/50 of the problems
they cant help it but they acknowledge it.......I mean how long the love one patience can last...it can be forever..we will expose sometime..
I mean we need a spouse that is a good supporter, best friend, listeners, passion for me and willing to support u...but with BPD spouse..that will never happen..
worst to worst it will let to affair which we do not wanted to happen in any family...
Please anyone out there please help us too.....because we all the people suffer by BPD and we will develop a mental illness sooner or later..
Well now i can only say hold on to my Faith...and hope their is always Hope
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st. louis, MO