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Do I have BPD???
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Do I have BPD???

I am 30 and for as far back as i can remember (well, with the memory i actually have, because I remember so little) I have always suffered on and off from self harm, bulimia, depression and am currently drinking way to much that is meant to be normal.  I have had help in the past a few times for bulimia etc but i have always believed and known these things have never been the route of my problem.  I have always thought there is something wrong with me, something that i cant explain to 'normal' people.  When I have recieved help before it has always been for a short period of time which is really difficult as by the time i start to open up to someone the sessions are coming to an end and am left with all the emotions that i have finally brought up...then the sessions are over and i feel like i have to put everything inside again.  I recently discovered about BPD, i have tried to tell doctors, etc this what i believe i have and they completly disregard it without asking me about the symptoms.  I have done a lot of research on it and looked into the DSM-IV criteria. i feel like its like reading my life story...but how do i know this is what i have if i cant get a proper professional to listen to me.  For the last 20 years ive hidden how i feel, and discovering BPD has made me understand what i have never been able to put into words.
Can someone tell me...one of the things i hate most about myself is that i am constantly becoming attached to people (normally females older than me...im guessing i want the emotional side of a mum i never had)..i want them to care for me, protect me and love me, when they dont seem like they care;dont phone, text back etc i get really upset, sad, lonely, feel like they hate me and are finding ways of getting away from me and then i just become more needy, texting, thinking all these things about them and why they dont like me so much...then that leads me on to doing self destructive behaviours, like drinking and have recently started punching my face because i dont want to cut like i used to do.  am i just an attention seeker??? i hate that this is who i am but i just constantly feel so alone and confused about how i feel, i want to change so much but at the same i feel like i wont allow myself to.  Is this BPD?? Someone help me, i just want to understand what is wrong with me, I dont want to live inside my head for the next 20 years.
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It's not attention seeking.  What you're doing is wanting to be heard and when nobody does you turn up the volume, so to speak, in order for them to hear.  It can become a dangerous power struggle between a patient and health providers.

Sounds like bpd.  Sounds like you have attachment issues.

Have you tried getting a second opinion or an independent opinion?  If you're under an mhs they should fund you to see one.  Ask again about the diagnosis and if you're not happy with the assessment you're given get another advice. A correct diagnosis can go a long way towards receiving appropriate care and treatment.

Good luck.
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i have finally through my smoking and drinking that i am finally able to start seeing someone...i am hoping that this time it will be long term as i know that is what i need and have done for years but as i have never been able to fully say how i feel to my doctor as ive always been so embarrased about how i feel, once the physical symptoms such as self harm, past bulimia, etc are gone then to an outsider i would be seen as completly happy and stable..but on the inside im always just feeling so empty, so unloved, i feel like once people get to no me, i push them away by becoming so clingy and wanting them to care for me and protect me and if im honest, help me from something i needed help with in the past and asked for it but never got it when i needed it. Because my mum ignored what i had told her and disregarded it i felt like i had to keep it to myself and from that point we have never (what i can remember that is) had an emotional close relationship. from there on i have continually become attached to females older than me, usually from caring backgrounds, teachers,nurse etc. its like i think these people are bound to want to love me and protect me (its like im still a child in my head when im like this) because they are in caring jobs so they must be caring people. But most of the time this, well no, this always turns out wrong, i become dependent on wanting them to listen to me and care about me, i become so annoying sending stuped messages, but at the time they are not stuped and i just dont think before send them. I know that I excpect to much from them on an emotional level and I feel that i always push the people i want to care for me away from me and then that makes me really sad and angry with myself.
I feel like there is no one that i can talk to about it, as i said me and my mum are not close in that way. she has no idea of all the things i have done over the years, its often like i have led such a double life which i have realised is hard in itself to keep so many secrets, i have hidden most of my real thoughts away from everyone;friends etc for sooo many years i dont feel i can truly open up to them and if im honest i dont think that they would really want to hear me keep going on and on.
I am finally at a point in my life where i want and need to change. I have a child (adopted) who is 4 now, he changed my whole world when i met him, i focused everything i had on being the best mum i could ever be, and i am (most of the time) i had no physical symptoms such as self harm, smoking foralmost 3 years, but when i think back now i no that istill inside felt all of the internal symptoms of BPD. I was so pleased i was externally keeping strong for him, but deep down i still always craved that someone to protect me as well. back last october depression came back and slowly physical symtoms (symptoms) are now back. it was my way of crying out for help but not being heard like i hoped i would, even after taken an overdose couple of months ago I still felt like i was at a brick wall, trying to tell doctors etc that i need help but not being heard. there is no DBT in my area either but i am hoping that if i can start to open up then maybe this drug and alcohol therapy may work. My biggest problem in my head now is wanting to be believed that i have BPD because im sure that is what i have, i think it would be such a relief just to know that im being listened to, im ready to open up now. i recently went had appointment with the local mental health team; they didnt even ask why i thought about bpd, they just dismissed it.
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Avatar_f_tn
I don't get why they would be so dismissive.  I am wondering if perhaps they think you have it but are afraid to label you?  There are lots of reasons why health professionals hold off diagnosing us.

I can relate to a lot of how you're feeling.  I typically gravitate towards males.  Usually ones who are kind, caring, compassionate, strong, assertive, etc.  I too seek people or situations where I can be nurtured.  I think excess drugs does this, for a short period of time anyway.  After that is just the shame and guilt and embarrassment and self-loathing and of course the lack of support.

Why do you need to be diagnosed with bpd?  I would be grateful not to have the diagnosis.  I guess having your thoughts validated is reason enough, along with the care, or lack of, that goes with it.

There is an online dbtclass at yahoo health groups if you're interested.

i think as long as people relate to you and address the issues you bring with you then that is possibly way better than dbt.
I hope the drug/ alcohol counselling helps too.  It's got to be better than nothing though, right?

How are you managing with your son through all this?

I was just reading something earlier.  Not sure if I have the right web addy but I think it was eatingdisorders.co.za.  I think it explains defense mechanisms, etc very well.
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Avatar_f_tn
thank you for your reply's, it so nice to talk with someone that you know feels some of the same things.
To be honest i dont really want an actual diagnosis, it is more about being allowed to say how i feel and knowing that im believed, i know that this diagnosis might not be great for the future, and i am in college and going to uni in set as i want to get a career with children; play therapy ideally and im quite worried this label will stop all these plans.
My son is the only thing that keeps me positive, more than anything in the world i dont want him to ever feel the way i have done growing up and still through adulthood, i want him to be emotionally unstable.  I can hide it from him now as he little but i know that the older he gets the harder it will be to hide it...this why i feel that this time i really want to start to be completly honest with people because i know i cant live like this forever. if i knew that i would affect my son i would rather not be here...but then i dont want him to ever be without me because i know there is no one one the world who can love him like i can and protect him....and i hate more than anything the thoughts that come along with this, i would never do i tbut i cant beleiv ive had thoughts about us both being better off away from here.  I know that i am a fab mum and am proud of myself for that, i just wish that this was enough to make me content.
will i ever change, will this ever go??
has therapy helped you?? do you become less needy?

I will check out those sites, thank u.
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Avatar_f_tn
emotionally stable i meant, not unstable obviously.
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Avatar_f_tn
I know how you feel.  When I was really bad I felt judged and attacked and felt alienated by the very people who were supposedly going through the same stuff as I was.  I found it very invalidating.  I found talking to people helpful but also a little hurtful.  I think accepting the person for who they are is extremely important.  Telling me I had to be different felt rejecting and depressing.  Just knowing that others have been through this and can tolerate whatever it is you need to say then that is containing and helpful.

It sounds like you wantt to be respected and accepted for who you are.

I guess it would understandably cause people to be concerned, although that is discrimination.  If you are competent and have your issues under control then you should be allowed to pursue your dreams.  Maybe these people are protecting you from that?  From being denied that opportunity to do what you want.  ??

Of course.  I think that every parents wants the best for their child.  I didn't think that it was some experiment to see how messed up you could make someone.  There's enough of that in the world already even without people trying.  Is funny how the people who are suppose to love and care for us can mess us up so badly (often without them even trying).  I can understand why you would want to do things differently with your son.  It is perhaps also a good opportunity to try and correct some of the emotional damage that has been caused to you.  Almost healing through your love and experience with your son.

I think that it causes a lot of anxiety too when you try to be someone you're not.  Exposing who you are can make you feel vulnerable but in time is can be especially liberating.

It's good that you want to do this for your son and for you.

I expect you are a great mum and you should be proud of that.  I don't expect it can be easy on you doing what you are.  I know for me personally that although I am single I feel extremely hurt when I see young children laughing and playing, doing stuff I never did and never have.  While it may be a loss for you from your past it must be incredibly rewarding being a part of that with your son.

You will always be a mother but you also need to have your own interests in life.  I think that children can become smothered if we start to live our lives through them.  This is what I feel my parents do through me and my brothers and sisters.  It's sad when they don't have things in their own lives.  Having a balance in your own life also shows a child how to be healthy.

I'm only a little way into my own recovery so I can only speak from my own experiences.
I think that people can and do change.  I think that with therapy we can achieve this more effectively.  I'm not sure if it ever goes away but I do know that it can improve.  My goal for myself is to become more functional and to eliminate negative or maladaptive behaviours.  I believe that we can resolve them and don't have to just manage them.

Therapy has helped me.  Even the most terrible therapy that nearly killed me made me stronger.  I had good therapy with a psychoanalyst.  She eventually offered me three sessions a week which allowed me to feel contained and then grow as a person.  I hadn't been able to do this with only one session per week.  One therapy session just left me feeling anxious and suicidal.  feeling like you're going to kill yourself every day of the week is torture.  The therapist also made me believe that this was my fault.  I know now that it wasn't me that was so broken that I couldn't be helped but my therapist who lacked the experience to deal with me and my issues.  The right therapist and the right therapy can be extremely beneficial.

I think that I have become less needy.  My good therapist had a saying: needy/ greedy.  When we have a need that is not being fulfilled we become greedy for more.
If you're clingy it may mean that your emotional needs are not being met.  If we take the time to try and understand the feelings better I think that we can better manage our emotions ourselves.  Once we know what we need we are in a better position to obtain it.  I hope that makes sense.

I use to find Dr Gould on the mental health and emotional eating expert forums really good.  He has a website shrinkyourself.com that I think is quite helpful.  While the site is more related to weight it can apply to other addictions too.  I subscribed to the newsletter which is free and find his questions/ posts quite enlightening.  I think that they help direct you towards the source of the issues.  I think that working through his questions could be more helpful than some of the more skill based forums.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you for all your advice.  its so strange how so many of the things you were saying feel like they applied to me to.  I think i really have to get it into my head that I have to allow myself to try to change.  I can feel that there is still a big barrier in the way wanting to stop changing.  Hope i can want to change.

I feel that if i could stop myself from wanting to be loved and cared for by certain people, normally females older than me who are caring and using in jobs such as doctor, teacher, nurse then so many of my issues would go- i think. i know that i am still looking for the motherly emotional love that i dont believe i got.  Im still looking for someone to help me with things that i tried to get help for and couldnt get it because my family ignored it when i was younger.  I know that not ever being able to talk about certain things has kept part of me still like a child in my head, always craving someone to love and care for me and protect me and help me - but the past is gone now, so there nothing to be helped from anymore, but i cant change this need for love, i have been like it for as long as i can remember.  If i could just stop myself for wanting to be loved...but i cant.

I know that if i cant chage this bit of me il never change the rest :-(

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Avatar_f_tn
I think its more important to love yourself first.  Trying to change without that acceptance can sometimes do more damage.  I agree though, that we need to give ourselves permission to change and actually want to change.

Dr Gould had an equation.  I think it was: action + insight = change.  I hope I got that right.  No matter how much we want something as long as we don't act, we don't change.

I am terribly resistant around change too.  I think that overtime avoidance can become a safe strategy and can limit us further.

In the right therapy with the right therapist change becomes doable.  I found that I was able to work with it rather than against it.  It was a good feeling not to have all that negativity attached to change.

Instead of stopping yourself from wanting it, wouldn't allowing yourself to be nurtured by others be more helpful?
I think for me that always related back to wanting exclusive relationships.  Or perhaps wanting to be special or loved by someone.  I always felt that a relationship would be able to heal me.  I guess in a way we heal ourselves through relationships.
I have felt the love I receive from my parents is conditional.  I think maybe what we want/ need more than anything is acceptance.

It's healthy to want to be loved.  That is a healthy part of you and not something to deny yourself.  Everybody has a need to be loved.

I think that perhaps you're looking at it from the wrong angle.  I agree that being overly dependent on others isn't healthy but are there other ways you could look to achieve that?
I also think that maybe if you were to love yourself more that you would feel less inclined to have others provide that for you.  I think it more about building yourself up, in terms of self-confidence, etc.

Change doesn't have to be all or nothing and change can be gradual.  We don't need to put pressure on ourselves to change yesterday.

I feel like I'm missing something really important when I talk to you but I can't quite grasp what it is.

Have you had much feedback about your proposed treatment plan?
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Avatar_f_tn
missing something??maybe it the way i right, i no that i am not so good at giving so much detail, its like i hold back, maybe thats what it is??

Only went to my first meeting on friday, im not going back for 2 weeks, im hoping this time period will not cause problems, i guess i will just see how it goes. But they said they usually do appointments every 2 weeks so i will just have to make the most of this opportunity, its just as you have already said,it hard when appointments are not so close together.  I know that 2 weeks can revert everything that you begin to feel positive about.   After reading so much about treatment for BPD i can see that its not so simple and that worrys me a little as where i am going is not based upon BPD.

I always want to be loved, i just wish i didnt.  It just feels like people only care about me if there is a problem...and then when that problem continues they get fed up of me...like they want to share their concern and say they will help but then when it actually comes to it and they realise that they cant or they get fed up of me they distance themselves away from me and then i become so sad and self hating...and i know that people feel like i should just snap out of it and then i try to and put on a big show to people about how happy and fun that i feel
...and then i believ it and inside i feel like i start to act crazy but cant seem to stop the intense feelings of energy and excitment that seem to be taking over me.  Its like i cant seem to hit a 'normal' level.

May I ask? U have BPD as well? Do you personally know anyone else with BPD or just on sites like this.  It very nice to chat with you.x
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Avatar_f_tn
No, I thought you were doing a great job of describing things.  Maybe it's not you.

I find weekly appointments difficult. If I were ever offered fortnightly ones I doubt that I would accept them (mainly because I know they make me worse).  If the T were really, really good though I would go.

That could be a good thing.  Some people with bpd get discriminated against and end up worse.  Maybe they didn't want to diagnose you with such because then they would feel obligated to give you more support.  I'm pretty cynical about health providers though so maybe it was entirely feasible.

You don't want your son to love you?
Probably people are just more able to see what the issues are when they are physical.  It probably reflects back on them a little and they feel powerless.

I was diagnosed a while back (with bpd).  I knew someone personally with bpd.  Have met plenty of people on the web who claim to have bpd or complex-ptsd or ptsd.

Nice to talk to you too.
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st. louis, MO