As a person who has struggled with an eating disorder for years I know that only someone who has gone through the exact same struggle can understand it.
Ever since I was a little girl, I've always felt off and abnormal. Lately I've been reading more and more about BPD and it seems to fit me like a glove. Of course I cannot be diagnosed over a computer but it would be helpful to have some insight and advice, a feeling of "Hey, I've been there too.".
I'm going to try to make this as short as I can while painting a sort of clear picture about myself.
Lately I've been feeling like I'm losing it. I am irritable all the time, angry and empty. This emptiness has come and gone all my life.
I have had people tell me I am anti-social and people tell me that I am the complete opposite. I have had people tell me I have no self-esteem and I have had people tell me I'm a confident girl.
I'm manipulative but I've never been called that because I am that 'good". I will use people to get what I want.
If a friend does something wrong, I will cut them out and believe they are not to be trusted until they do something good. If they do something good, I will open my heart up to them and make them my favourite person.
I have a fear of abandonment and rejection and sometimes I will push people away to give myself some kind of power and control over the situation. I have "left" my fiance more than a few times.
I am impulsive. Some things are too embarrassing to share. I have shop lifted and stopped because I got caught when I was 18.
I have felt on top of the world, like I am God's gift and I have felt like I am worth less than the gum under my shoes.
I have had paranoid episodes. Just the other day I thought my fiance was talking to his ex-wife even though is completely unrealistic. It last for about a minute.
My moods change all the time. I can be happy for a few hours then one thing can set me off and I'll be completely negative. Sometimes I'll go weeks feeling 'high' and then weeks feeling low. There is no set pattern of my mood swings.
My emotional states are extremely intense. I can almost feel like I'm on some kind of drug when I'm happy. Full of energy and life and inspiration. And then I can think about dying when I'm low and how there's nothing and no one to live for.
I keep tabs on my fiance and he doesn't know it because I believe he is up to something even when I don't have any evidence to back it up. And I justify it to myself because I have a right to protect myself because no one is to be trusted.
I am funny, witty and strong to most people. I like being the one people come to for support. I like being the one making the difference but then I need to be taken care of too even though I don't always show it.
There is a lot more but I want this post to be readable.
Another possibility that comes through is bipolar.
I can relate to a lot except for the high energy. Although I do get periods of maybe one or two weeks every year or two where I feel OK. This usually happens after I'm angry with someone and I kind of withdraw to protect myself but it leaves me feeling more committed or more motivated. Also depends on how hurt I have been.
I think it would be a good idea for you to take your concerns with you to your doctor and have them assess you or refer you to a psychiatrist.
It gets a bit confusing with the whole ED thing, etc. I doctor will be better able to put things in perspective.
Also what is really important is that you work on addressing symptoms. Diagnoses aren't always that helpful to us as patients and can leave us feeling distressed.
Talk to your doctor or T if you are seeing one.
I understand the Eating Disorder and a lot more of what You are going through, the irritable feeling, insecure, periods of hopelessness and risk taking behaviour. I do not understand the high mood to be honest that does sound more like Bipolar Disorder. Mood swings and change in mood is a part of Bipolar Disorder I was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder and am currently being treated for it however I wonder if mine is the right diagnosis at times.
Hi there I am in the same boat as you, I feel like my moods get way to high for bpd, and the lows are often very ansti-social and feel very worthless and suicidle, plus i have a tendancy to cut people off very quickly and make them my worst enemy if they cross my boundries, but will easily be there friend if they make the effort. I also have a nasty tongue in my head and become over shocked with the things i say to hurt people sometimes, they even shock me, and I will never back down with my partner I will argue all night if i have too just to be right.
You will need to see a mental health professional. Good for you in seeing and admitting these issues. I agree that is sounds more BP than BPD - which is GOOD news because BP can be treated well with meds like Depakote. I know several people who have used that particular one and like it. However it doesn't help much with depression. BPD usually requires an element of delusion that you don't have. You know what you are doing, remember it clearly and have a clear knowledge that it is wrong. BPD's generally do not. They can lie to themselves so well they believe the lie completely - even are able to fabricate complete events in their mind and mistake them for truth.
Some of the things you do are character issues that you may well be able to take more control over when you find a good medication for your mood disorder that will help with your compulsive tendencies. Sounds like you are on the right track to making big improvements once you find a good professional to help you along :)
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