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Do People with BPD come back to you afer leaving you out of the blue?
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Do People with BPD come back to you afer leaving you out of the blue?

I am 22years old. A little more than a month ago I met what i thought to be the girl of my dreams. The way we met was like taken out from a Movie. We met on an airplane and there was a very strong overwhelming chemistry between us.
She quickly told me about herself ( family issues , how she had problems relating to other people) a bit of a "victim" but not necessarily blaming others but more blaming herself. She had an ex boyfriend whom she dumped 3 times and cheated on and would always talk about him with Guilt in her eyes. She quickly introduced me to her family, her best childhood friend, i was very wonderful to her. It was all very perfect and intense, she confessed she was "sick" and "abused too much of the things she liked" and didnt want her contact to me to become a way of escaping herself. We became very close and intimate and one day she told me she wanted to be my girlfriend, that we should be formally in a relationship. I said yeah. The day after she met up with her ex to talk and after that she started acting very anxious ( she also has an eating disorder) she began to slowly push me away and even though i tried to be there for her she didnt let me, i decided to leave her alone ( something personal happened to me- ) and she was not there for support of any type- instead , one day i found a letter in my mailbox from her telling me " our time together was a short adventure and that maybe this wasnt the end or maybe it was etc" and Brochure for her Therapist, so I can also go to Therapy... I wrote an honest letter to her, offering my friendship and went all the way to her place to talk as an adult and offer her my caring and my friendship but she said " im not ready for a friendship with u". 3 days later, she posted pictures of her ex boyfriend at her place on Facebook , which deeply hurt me so i Erased her from facebook.
She never told me she had BPD but it really sounds like she does, I have a feeling she never really trusted me and always saw me as some sort of "gigolo" without any reasons.
I dont want a relationship to her, but I care a lot about her and it hurts that she could just walk away like that from me.
Do they make second reappearances?

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Avatar_m_tn
Wow! That sounds like a whole lot of drama on her part. Those seem to be things that someone with BPD would do. Being someone that has BPD I can honestly say that I've done the same thing. I've been so affectionate and loving and then all of the sudden I just pushed away as hard as I could. I lost an amazing girl by doing things like that. Here's the thing though, she sounds kind of mean. I never went back to some other girl and put up pictures of someone else like that. You don't sound like some kind of gigolo and you seem to still have feelings for her so that shows that you have a heart. Sometimes people are just mean. It seems like when someone says they can't trust you it's because they have something that they feel guilty about and they think that you're doing the same thing. Remember, not all girls but some girls cheat. Some girls lie. Guys do to, I'm just saying. I hate to come out and say this but, every and I mean every girl that I've been with has had a boyfriend when I met them. I don't know what to say. I did the disappearing act but, then I came back. I even tried to convince my girlfriend to move back to Ohio even though I would break down into tears right after I did it. I hate to say anything bad about her but, that just sounds weird. I had an affair with a married women once and she was so loving and open and so passionate. We talked about everything. She had so many terrible things to say about her husband and I thought that she was going to leave him for me. She said she was! Then one day, it all changed. She told me she needed space and then 3 months later she basically told me it was over. Now her and her husband are happily married and have a kid! I was torn up over that for the longest time and then my best friend slapped me in the back of the head and told me to tighten up! He said some people just want to have a fling before they settle into a long term relationship. Some people just want to have their cake and eat it too. Game recognized. I'm not saying that's the case here but, don't rule it out. Some people have sever emotional issues that cause them to act out and ruin relationships that could end up being the best thing that ever happened to them. Some people have chemical imbalances that require medication and therapy to help them to lead a normal life. Then there are some people that just aren't that great of people. Some people just don't think of how they hurt other people. I fit in the first two categories and live with remorse and regret every day for the times I hurt other people. It's wrong to lead people on and if you do it you should feel remorse for it. Do you think she lead you on and if she did do you think that she feels bad about it?
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they go back to what they are use to, the familiar things (i've gone back to an ex 4times and she kept taking me back coz she loved me and then twice with another. i have cheated in past relationships. kinda like sabatoging my relationship, hurt them before they hurt me kinda thing.) and to ppl with BPD there are no grey areas, it's either white or black,  yes or no. so one day she can love u and the other hates you. it's hard for ppl with BPD to trust ppl, don't take it too personally. there are support groups (that u can find online/facebook) for ppl with loved ones with BPD or the person themselves.
hope this helps a lil..
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Avatar_n_tn
Thanks for your replies. I appreciate them. I have no idea what she feels or doesnt feel , its like she turned herself into a total different person ( she always told me she was "sick" ) and even told me she plays this " game" with people called " how long will it take till you get tired of me". What hurts the most is that i always respected her and never asked to be in a relationship with her, she was the one who did everything ( since we met- all the interest etc ) and then screwed things. Yet , she didnt disappear but put a letter on my mailbox, a cryptic one " I will always love you" and sending me to her therapist.. who happens to be her adoptive grandmother ! ( its way too much). So i only wanted her to know that i held no remorse and that we could be friends but still she turned my friendship down, as if i had done something wrong to her. Then made it seem that it was Me, who screwed things up, distorting facts. Then i found out through one of my girlfriends that once we went out ( 4 people-me-my ex my friend and her bf ) she actually told my friends Bf that " he should be careful cause I can steal his gf " ... and she was completely happy with me at this stage. I think is very hard not to take something like this personal, especially when you come from a home where your mother acted in similar ways... You just want to understand why.
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Avatar_n_tn
I found your response very Helpful man. I guess one just falls into a state of emotional shock when someone goes from extreme bright ( although always throwing warnings) and then Pitch Black, like you never existed for them.
I know that if so much unnecessary drama took place after only a month and a half (which was like taken out of a hollywood love movie from the 50´s ) then what would have happened if i had stayed for a longer time with her? i would have probably gotten dumped by her like she previously dumped the ex boyfriend ( and also cheated on) 3 times. However, it feels so surreal to be so intimate and close to someone in an intense way and all of a sudden for no reason is like Switch goes Off - after receiving this letter i even went there and talked things like an adult and she even said " i was not counting on seeing you in a long time" - " seeing you there now, just doesnt feel good ". Like i am the worst guy shes ever been with.- and still after this she posts pictures of her ex at her place ? this seems very intentional and also, just mean.
I deleted her from facebook and deleted her from my phone - so no contact whatsoever, But i do wonder if she will make another reapparance at least to say she is sorry or just.. something.  It is very frigthening to think someone can have no conscience whatsoever - even though they do show to be "victims" and use the self blame or blame others card ( she self blames herself) and " there is something about me that makes people run away from me " --- well, tell me about it.
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Avatar_m_tn
This all sounds too familiar. I feel deeply in love with a girl from my past. She just decided to not be in a relationship one day. Not only that, she suddenly cut off contact for the most part. On the other hand, she never quite will let me go. It's like I'm just there in case she needs me. I don't know whether what little hope she gives me is false hope or what. I don't think she even knows.
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Avatar_m_tn
Don't get sucked in by all this OVER compassionate psycho-babble a woman or girl with BPD can literally throw you off course... You are NOT her protector or some hero who can lead her out of the darkness with understanding and being a doormat... She will use you, play you and move on when it is convienent... If you think this woman truly cares for you in the traditional sense you are in DENIAL....Women who care for a man DON'T stick daggers in their hearts posting pictures on Facebook and reuniting with exe's... When I finally dumped mine, I was HARD and MEAN because that is what she had earned with her lies and betrayals and that was what I needed to disengage.... Turn your back on this woman and NEVER communicate with her again, she has YOUR number not vice versa and you will be hurt over and over while she does whatever it takes to meet HER needs...
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Avatar_m_tn
very interesting perspectives...i would say you have had an experience which is likely going to continue and you must accept that all this will happen again and again and again.  If you can manage that you stay... the goods times will be like no others, but the bad times will be like noone has ever heard unless they have loved a BPD longterm and remained with them and committed.  You will need to be the strongest type character ever and even then make sure you have good supports so you don't fall to pieces....remember we don't all discard people we love and the BP fears being left probably becuase it happens to them over and over and over...food for thought as i love my BP mate...noones perfect and we all have imperfections of varying degrees but we notice it most in the BP because it is always so dramatic...sleep on it maybe you wake up to one of the mornings they love you more than anyone ever has...
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Avatar_m_tn
OH God it is excactly what i went through. You trully were with a Borderline person. You are so right my friend. So right.
I couldn't find another interpretation and i did exactly the same as you did.
Unfortunately they are empty .so empty. And i was mean in the last 2 msgs to.
I feel sorry for her, but mostly for me. I saved her life several times. But i should NEVER GET EMOTIONALLY Involved with her. Did your's come back or tried to communicate with you?
I know that you re seeking justice. But as you said they live in their own world of using people. So sad. I was so devistated by how she turned into a different person overnight.

Thanks
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Avatar_m_tn
Hey you guys Ok dont get me wrong my professor told me my ex was bdp or emotianally ustable...she had mood swings,she was mean as hell to me but never loud.  dont get me wrong she did hear me try to introduce myself to another woman and on top of that i didnt call for seven days and then i went bizerk like it was my fault i kicked her door i went down there and cried and begged.  i said mean thing via email and text messages all in the same two days this happend after that Ive never said anything mean ive never said anything but im sorry and forgive me i was wrong i made a mistake crying for five months and she wont even pick up the phone for me she totally has the right not to ....however when we  were together she had mood swings she sees a pychiatrist she woud belittle me all the time i would never say anything mean to her never except that one night and the next day i miss her so much my professor told me she was emotionally unstable well as crazy as ive been over five months i know he thinks something wrong with me but even when she ran up on me in her new car i knew her persoalality was too irrate from me i could see her going in and out of personalities in like five mins i think at first she was likke totally happy to see me then she got real serious then she looked sad then she looked playful as she drove off regardless of her bdp i love her so much and i know it was my fault.......i miss her soo much i wanna die cause she wont talk to me and i know i scarred her i know i made her hate me she indirectly would tell me she was bipolar and stuff i dont care i miss her if anyone one would please reply and lt me know if i should ever contact her again please reply at ***@****
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Avatar_m_tn
Welcome to the club.  Do people with BPD come back to you after leaving?  Yes...Unfortunately.  They live in a whirlwind of positive and negative emotions, will do anything to drag you in, and then dump you out.  They don't really understand that others have feelings -- just like psychopaths. Upset about how she's treating you now?  Just wait a week, it'll be the opposite.  Unless she's too busy doing it to someone new to remember you exist.  It doesn't matter how smart you are, and being sensitive or kind is a liability.  BPDs are usually too manipulative to resist.  So, unless you enjoy being screwed with and looking like an idiot every other week, lash yourself to the mast, and steer away from her siren song.  
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Avatar_m_tn
I have been married and divirced and remarried to a BPD for 16 years and now going through a second divorce.   BPD women  will use you and dump you.  They are cheaters.  From a quickie, to an affair to Im leaving and then live with another man.  I have lived this, I have fixed problems paid bills saved her life etc.  Now I am the piece of **** again.   This time I am making a clean break.  I emotionally cannot go through this again.  Like others have said when its good its the BEST....but it is also the worst and yes you are always the one who makes her do things,  because of what YOU did to her, what her boss, her co worker her friend.  They always justify everything they do on everyone else being the blame.   RUN AWAY ....FAR FAR AWAY  !   It will get worse.
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Avatar_m_tn
I feel your pain and I can't imagine what you have been through.  I met a girl two months ago and at first I said I would offer her friendship only.  I was only ever interested in getting to know her and she seemed really pleasent.  Plus she has three children, at the time I thought friendship is all i want.  Anyway as I got to know her better she told me she has BPD and she has been through an awful lot.  I went to school with her but I never spoke to her up until recently.  She's a gorgeous gril with an infectious personality and we got on like a house on fire.  A week or two after speaking everyday I fell in love with her, and she fell in love with me.  She has gone through times where she feels really down that I can't get through to her which I understand as she did warn me.  I've met her twice and I respected her so much to make her feel comfortable around me.  The last time I met her was on the 23rd Jan and we had an amazing day together, it was truly beautiful and this girl I know is the one for me.  on the 25th Jan we spoke for a little while in the evening on FB but the next day her profile was deactivated and the next day when I sent her an SMS to find out if she was ok, and I told her I love her things changed.  She told me she doesn't want to hurt me and that she has a lot on as she doesn't feel well.   She told me we dont have a future together even though a few days before we were both confident that we would eventually marry one day and see each other more often.  Right now i'm in a bad place as I do care about, and love this girl a hell of a lot.  I'm thinking of giving her some space, I send her a text in the morning and evening just wishing her well and telling her i care about her, even though she doesn't respond.  Some have told me to let it go but I can't as she means the world to me and I pray one day she can see that we were meant to be.  Gutted to be honest but I'll keep going and eventually I want to raise greater awareness of BPD and the effect it has.
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Avatar_m_tn
Hi there, I have had back to back relationships with girls that have BPD. Lucky me huh? I was with a low-functioning BPD for 5 years that emotionally wore me down, tortured me, and isolated me. I was finally able to get away from her after one final evening of absolute insanity from her. I had heard from her parents, whom I became extremely close with and talk to almost daily still, that she was in a long-term rehab. I was devastated at the loss of this person from my life so suddenly, yet relieved that she was gone. I really thought I would never hear from her again. A month and a half later she calls me up like nothings happened and let me know she skipped out on rehab after about a week. She had been living with a random guy (who she made sure to tell me she was not having sex with) and doing drugs still. And sure enough she wanted me back. I declined while still trying to be her friend, and attempting to get her to rehab again.
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Avatar_m_tn
About 5 months before the true end of our relationship I had gotten tired of her child-like behavior that had driven any romantic or sexual feelings about her from me. So I met a girl online basically as a hook up, and we ended up being fwb's from that day forth. I literally fell in love with her the moment I met her, as she was everything I had dreamed for in a girl. She was my fantasy. We spent 7 months as fwb's enjoying each other sexually, and gradually getting stronger and stronger feelings for each other everytime we hung out. After I was able to escape the previous girl, she really picked me up and made me feel special, as I did to her, and we started dating. Our dating and friendship was amazing, we never had any conflict whatsoever. Come New Year's Eve we couldnt stand it anymore and declared our love and became a couple. Then she dropped a bomb on me that night: she has BPD. I would have never known because she acted nothing like the ex before. It's because she was a high-functioning BPD. She has 2 kids, and was able to work. Adderall (adderrall) helped her maintain her focus in that part of her life. Our relationship was amazing. Still no arguments, always were extremely loving and supportive of each other. I had told her I was new to dating a girl with kids so she would have to take it slow with the kids and she agreed. About 2 months into the relationship there was a night she was supposed to come over and spend the weekend. I was tired and cranky that night so I told her I would get a hold of her when I was ready for her to come over. When I did text her I got no response. I would come to learn later it was because she went out to a bar and met a guy. All it took for her was to feel slighted in the least to go out and do this. I would not find out she was seeing this guy for nearly another month. She had told me she had a history of being with abusive, deadbeat, and generally sleazy guys. She liked that I was so different form  them. Calm, very loving, supportive, patient, caring. She would tell me this often. When I expressed that I was bothered by her not coming over she went into frantic mode and said she would do anything to make it better and she was sorry. She than became to communicate less and less. Not returning texts, not calling when she said she would, and generally having excuses for ditching me when we were supposed to hang out. Yet the entire time she said she loved me so deeply, but she was afraid that I was not ready for kids. I told her I understood that she was a package deal when I became her man, and was more than ready for the chance to be in their lives more. She never gave me that chance, just excuses, while still making sure to tell me I was loved, and that she as just really busy. When we finally were able to see each other it was an amazing day, like no time had passed. The love between us was obvious, she initiated romantic contact that day and made plans to come have sex the next night. Of course she ditched me then too. I became suspicious and basically joined Facebook to see what she was up to. She declined my friend request.
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Avatar_m_tn
Declining your own BF's friend request? Something's not right. A week more of frantic emails and texts from me wondering why everything was going so wrong followed. When she did respond sometimes it would be hopeful messages reminding me she loved me, but still clinging to doubt about the kids. Finally one day I checked her profile and saw a picture with her and another guy stating they were in a relationship. I was devastated. I looked at his profile and his said they had been a couple since Feb. 22, the friday night she was supposed to come over. I messaged her new guy to let him know what was going on. Made sure to tell him I had no beef with him, just wanted the truth. After telling her that I had told him this was the first time I saw her BPD rear it's head. Things had been so good I had pretty much forgot she told me she had it. She was frantic and angry, but not so angry as to be mean or cruel to me. She projected her behavior on to me, calling me childish, saying she would do anything to make it right with him cause he wa so supportive (which I was too) but was amazing with her kids. Amazing with her kids after less than a month? That in itself is disturbing for the agenda that guy probably has. He made her accept my phone call and I wanted the truth. Again she was frantic (probably at the idea of being abandoned by us both) and threw all her irons into the fire with him (probably because I was in "all-bad" mode for her at the time) and also because he was right next to her. While she was angry, again she was not mean or cruel. Worse she called me was childish and stupid for what I had done, which was her projecting her own behavior on me. She even had the nerve to ask me why couldn't I be happy for her. Very immature thing to ask in that situation. I told her it was because she lied to me, and she could have just been an adult and told me she moved on. She told me not to contact her, but said it as "Right now I don't think I wanna talk to you again." She used the modifier "right now" is what I noticed. I was not mean or cruel to her either, I didn't yell or call her names. I left her with the words "You were my best friend, I loved you with all of my heart, and I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with you". I heard her choke up, then all her anger subsided and she said bye in the saddest, most sheepish way. As a higher-functioning borderline I think that she took care not to say anything cruel to me, and didn't even say she didn't love me anymore. I think at some point I am going to become her "rescuer". The kind, sweet guy that wasn't even mean to her in the face of betrayal. It has been nearly 3 weeks since that night, and I have respected her wishes not to contact her. I have glanced at both of their FB pages, and she takes care to not advertise their relationship to the public. On the other hand he does. He seems kind of like the sleazy, deadbeat guys she has been with in the past. Seems very insecure (posted a pic of them kissing in a bar, but then removed it for some reason). And I have found out recently through a simple google search he was arrested for marijuana possession only a week before they met. His sentence seemed pretty harsh for possession, so he must have priors. He's a construction worker who has lived in some of the shadier parts of the area we live in, so there might be a chance he's a felon too. While I am worried for her it is just more of her cycle of bad choices in men, I had wondered why her Mom loved me so much, and I believe it was because I was the first stable, nice guy to come along in quite awhile, if ever. I have missed her so much that my life has been in ruins. I've had to seek medication for my anxious thoughts of her, and have even had to briefly move back home while I cope.Today it all came together for me when I read more on higher-functiong BPD's. She couldn't help what she did, and I think the paranoia of I may leave her and her kids someday pushed me away, and she began to idealize this new guy. He sounds like the last guy you would want to idealize. That's why I believe I'll be in the rescuer role at some point. She took care not to really close the door to hard on me when we spoke that last time. She could have raged on me but she simply was frantic and flustered that I had caught her. At this point I am thinking it won't be an "if" I hear from her, but a "when". I thought I would never hear from the other ex again, but it took only a month and a half for her to try and get back into my life. I might be in "all-bad" mode with the current ex still, but with the type of guy her new one looks like, I doubt he will stay in "all-good" mode for long. I really do want her back in my life as I know that she didn't meant to hurt me with her behavior, but I will be very guarded. I might not ever hear from her is something I might have to live with, but the thing with borderline's is all the emotions, feeling, and love they have for you is real. Something just gets in the way of it at times and their disorder takes over. If she would have told me "I don't love you anymore" then I would feel more like she devalued me and moved on for good. But I really do think she was careful not to be mean to me in hopes that I'll be there for her if the new guy screws up, be it in her mind or for real. I think you will see your Borderline again. Just be ready to make the choice if you want that kind of unpredictability in your life. The love she gave me made me feel very special, and I believe she felt the same way. It's a gamble, but you need to decide if your borderline is worth the risk, and if your heart can handle it.
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This thread is more than 3 years old, so we'll close it now.  If you would like to post a question, please start a new thread by clicking the "Post a Question" button at the top of this page.  Thanks!

Claire

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