Hi. Pardon if this is long. I could really use some advice and appreciate any words you can give to offer me some piece of mind. I just ended a 9mo relationship (lesbian). This was my 1st same sex relationship and I am 37.
The first few months were blissful and then I was having issues trying to come to grips with being gay. I do admit I pulled away from my partner a few times because this was new to me and I was scared. About three months into the relationship her reactions were very verbally afflicting. She would call me an "*******" and a "******". I overslept once because I was depressed and she broke up with me, changed her number (she came back three days later). It got to the point if she didn't like what I said she would break up with me and tell me she was "done forever", it was over, only to return again. She kept doing this and it really killed me and my affection towards her died.
This last break up was really bad. She told me she hated me and came over and demanded her key. She pulled my hair and dragged me up the stairs. It was very abusive. I was a mess. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't even rationalize with her she was so mad. She spit in my face. Hours later she called me crying that she "wants me" and leaves a message she hopes I got home ok. The next day we talk on the phone for three hours and she is flirting with me. The day after that we talk for another three hours and she tells me she wishes we got help and went to counseling but "hindsight is 20/20".
Fast forward a week and she goes up North, hooks up with her ex and now they are dating. This is an ex she dated 10years ago who is currently going though a divorce and her ex is living with her until Sept. I called her stating I thought she might be back with her ex (I really felt it in my heart). She called me and met me in a parking lot. We sat on the back of her truck and hugged for hours. She told me she wanted to marry me but I wasn't ready for a relationship. As soon as I showed any affection she got very angry and told me I was mean to her and I ruined our relationship. She continued to say she could not talk to me again because she cannot lose this other woman (who lives several states away). She doesn't hate me but she is 110% done. I just feel bad I caused someone to be that angry towards me.
I know this sounds like a horrible relationship. It was and the more I type on the forums it is helping me. Does it sound like she might be BPD? Also, she recycles all her exes at least once. Right now, this ex she is going to is the only one who has stayed friends with her through all this. I really wonder what is going to happen there given who she is. I want her to be well. All I know is yesterday she was hugging me telling me she loved me and today she tells me if I jeopordize her relationship with her new girlfriend she will resent me forever. I am so hurt having just been dumped, she is dating her ex and trying to string me along. What the hell is this? I am so glad I have therapy tonight! Thanks for listening.
Yeah, she sounds like she may have BPD. Some of the most obvious symptoms that I have found within myself (I am 47 and have had this since my teen years) is I either completely love or completely hate a person. There is virtually no middle ground in my relationships. Because of this intensity I have scared away many friends and family, which makes the problems worse. I believe my disorder comes from serious abandonment issues, first my Dad took off without a word, then my Step Dad whom I was very close with did the same thing, both by the age of 9. Add to it I have a distant Mother, a physically and emotionally abusive older brother, and I have a lot of pent up anger and self hatred. So, cutting is an issue. I used to do it a lot when i would get very upset. Something about it calmed me down. I have learned other techniques, like punching a heavy bag. Most of us have some personality quirks, but to be truly BPD she would show extremes, cutting or other self abusive habits, maybe drug addiction, a family history of abandonment and/or abuse, etc. Only a pro can truly diagnose it. Technically I am diagnosed with BPD, Bipolar 2, plus Lyme's Disease (tick bite, never treated, am very very sick all the time), Heart Disease (already had one major heart attack at age 36), and some other problems. Ironically I used to be a multi-sport all star athlete and in great shape until the tick bite. I became so sick for so long I finally went into a doctor a year later and got diagnosed. I lost insurance and never received proper treatment. While I was out of work my mental problems really surfaced, maybe the Lyme's made them worse, because it is known to affect the brain. I know there is little hope for me now, because I have been sick for so long even very heavy doses of antibiotics likely won't get rid of it, and the damage is more or less permanent. So, the best I can do is travel these boards when I feel good and vent and offer advice. I tend to write very long replies, but if you need to talk I will always listen. Friend me and we can post notes and messages to each other, it's easier this way to communicate. I will send you a message so you can friend me. My name is Tony by the way, and congratulations on coming out and finding your true self, we all owe it to ourselves to find happiness. I was married for 25 years, got sick, my wife panicked and left me. So much for the wedding vows, right?
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