If I didn't believe that I have bpd traits I would believe I'm in a abusive relationship, but in his eyes its my issues that get him that way. My friends/family all have told me that I am, but im so confused now! He is physically, emotionally, verbally abusive...I can't go out anymore, he doesn't like any of my friends and family. He gives me an allowance even though i make over 60k/yr...and he does all this because he doesn't trust me because of my issues. I think of leaving, but he threatens to get full custody of the children because of my issues and since I have self injured im afraid he really could. Then, the other part of my brain says you're successful, high functioning outside the home , in therapy trying to overcome all this, so that has to be an asset. I have never hurt these children, put them in harms way...so really? You won't have a case. So confused...please a lil advice here?
BPD can be very complicated. A person with BPD can convince and manipulate others very well, often automaticallly. You must know a little about BPD, because you mentioned it. There are many books and resources now than a decade or so ago. Ever heard of BPDCentral (dotcom)?
I struggle with this as well so i know what you mean, my partner has been abusive, violent and emotionally abusive, i have no friends and no family speak to me because they hate him, he blames me says i am impossible to live with. I know he is abusive at times i'm not stupid but the thing is my social worker makes excuses for him because of my dx that apparently excuses him in their eyes so i don't tell them anymore.
I used to doubt myself at times i am by no means perfect but things he has done i never deserved he has his own issues.
If friends can see it then he must be, would you have people to speak up for you if he tried to get custody? I hope it works out for you.
i hope things work put ok for you i understand how hard things are for you right now, whn i first got diagnossed with bpd, i was on my own my bf left me while i was ill, it hurt me realy bad and relied on the company of family and friends to help me. my bf is the same as yours i get the blame cos my illness. have yu been sent to mental health for cutting up or self harm? i also got kids BUT I WAS TOLD IF I KEEP SELF HARMING I COULD LOSE MY CHILDREN. I hope you can work things out annd unless your realy bad you shouldnt lose your kidds i was meant to have a carer but no one wanted to help
Abuse is never OK. Setting limits with a BPD is very difficult (I know because I am the BPD in my family). When my family started using the Stop Walking on Eggshells workbook, I felt they were being "cruel," but we all managed to adjust eventually, and I have to be accountable for my actions. I wanted to improve and was willing to accept part of the blame (BPDs are excellent at making you think you're crazy, you're the problem, etc. . . and they aren't necessarily doing it to be "manipulative," they have distorted perceptions and really think that you "cause" them to behave badly). For a BPD partner who wants to change, Dr. Burns book "Feeling Good Together" is an excellent communication book (for both partners) to better express feelings and needs without "attacking" or blaming the other person.
On a side note, research the laws in your area governing divorce. Because I was a BPD parent with a "history of mental illness," my 1st husband kept me trapped for a very long time by telling me that I'd never get custody of the kids. Laws in most places do not take these things into account (to lose custody entirely, he'd have to PROVE you're an "unfit mother"). In most states, joint custody is the norm. . . and kids survive.
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