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Effects on Children When Untreated Mother Has Disorder
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Effects on Children When Untreated Mother Has Disorder

My son & daughter-in-law have entered into what is going to be a very ugly divorce. My daughter-in-law, unknown to my son, had been diagnosed with 'Borderline Personality Disorder' prior to their marriage.She is now 27 and he, 42. She was pregnant with another man's baby when they got involved. (My son did adopt the baby, a boy). They also have 2 girls. Kids are 8, 6 & 2. They've been married 7 years. She has done many strange, unexplainable things, but in the past 2 years has been going downhill. We've all been trying to get her to see a doctor, counsellor, etc. for several years. (because of her behavior). Very immature, lies, has all about me attitude, can get very violent in a second, does things that don't make sense for a wife & mother. Now they are getting a divorce (my son has had it). She has spent uncontrollably (10's of thousands of dollars).He's had to re-finance the house several times to pay off credit cards, etc. Within the past year, there has been a definite change for the worse. He recently caught her at a sleazy motel with a man of a different race. Would tell him where she went & who she spoke to on cell phone was none of his business. Would lock up car & cell phone. Found out a friend was picking her up after my son & the kids were asleep & taking her to different places for the cost of beer to this minor girl. Very irresponsible, has no interest in home, yard, is very paranoid, etc. Neighbor watched kids on 3 occassions because she was sleeping & had door locked. Could not be awakened. Has called certain numbers incessantly on cell phone. Was going over plan every month (bill averaging from $300 to over $600 extra). Made 905 calls in one month to one number. Oldest child is a son, who has ADDH. The 1st doctor she took him to spoke to her first & told her she had 'Borderline Personality Disorder.' When she told me, she laughed about it.Can someone please tell me the signs & symptoms of BPO & if this is all that's wrong & what it means? We've recently been told that she's on 'crack,' but don't know positively. I am worried sick that she will be able to lie, manipulate & sweet talk her way into getting custody of the kids. My son is asking for sole custody. Can anyone tell me about the chances of a person with this becoming addicted to drugs?  If she were to get custody, I'm worried to death about the children's welfare & safety. I've seen her go violent and think if I had not been there, she would have beat them severely. I know nothing about the signs & symptoms of BPO or crack addiction.  Can someone give me info on these things? Also, son gets kids up & ready for school, feeds them breakfast, sees them on schoolbus, cooks their supper, helps with homework, etc.
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Avatar_m_tn
I can relate to all of the things you mentioned about your daughter in law. My sister, who has not been diagnosed with any kind of disorder, has children too. After doing some of my own research, I'm almost certain that she has BPD, but I'm no expert. It might be that your daughter in law could be having a major breakdown, rather than having some disorder?
You mentioned lots of behaviour that I can see in my own sister and she too has children, 5, from 3 different fathers, and has numourous partners in her life. My sister is a drug addict too (cannabis daily) and was once a fully paid up member of the 1980s 'rave scene' in England. The family worry about the children, and there has been some inappropriate behaviour around them from her, but I can honestly say that even though she shouts at the kids and is very strict (too strict as our Mother says!) she's not violent towards them (when I've been there though). I think the kids are her 'protectors', even if this is inappropriate, and so if anything, she is overly caring of them.
My sister has had affairs during her marriage with the last guy, is in debt, sleeps a lot, show's all the typical signs of BPD - up one minute, down low the next.
I don't think that there is much you can do in terms of helping your son with getting custody but I suppose he would need to pull all the stops out and paint a picture of her to the courts (does she have a criminal record and such like?), but I'm not sure whether this would benefit the children - could make her even worse and she may take it out on them. If the other Fathers of my sister's other children stuck to their promises/responsibilities, I do believe that things might have been different for my sister. She's not very good at picking good men! But then again, she sets very high standards and often nothing anyone does for her is right.
If things are so bad, and you do believe that the children are at risk, you should do the right thing and report her. Sure you could do this in confidence. But please remember to think about the kids - will their lives be more disrupted by taking them out of their home, or leaving them be? My thoughts are with you, it's a horrible place to be, and takes a lot of patience from you. Best wishes x
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Avatar_f_tn
I just wanted to thank you for responding to me. I typed out a long note & thanked you & it never appeared. I'm electronically illiterate, so I'm sure I did something wrong. My son filed divorce papers on my daughter-in-law & they are already divorced. The problem now is she has decided she wants him back & I can see the same things picking right back up. She calls him incessantly. Questions him, talks nice, then hateful, hangs up on him. I am just hoping he begins to see the same old pattern & decides he needs to back way off - maybe forever. She scares me. Today she asked him if his life insurance was made out to her (???)  Why would this be a concern at this moment!  It goes to the 3 kids, who he got custody of. I firmly believe that if he takes her back, it will be for him to support her while she does 'her own thing' again. I feel for you, cause I know what this is causing me.  And, the kids are the ones who will suffer the most!
Thanks again & keep me posted on your situation!
WGM
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Avatar_f_tn
Has your son read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Mason and Kreger?  It can be purchased on line or I suppose found in one's local library.  It is one of the best on how to deal with family members who suffer from BPD.
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Avatar_f_tn
I don't believe he has really checked into anything. Only what I find on internet or articles I find that I send him. They did get divorced. He got custody of the 3 kids. She had said she would rather sign everything over to him, even kids, to avoid going to court (???). I'm thoroughly confused. I have 3 kids, also, & I would never give them up. Or, would die trying to keep them. She's wanting him to take her back & I can see all the same behavior picking back up. I don't think anything will change. She just needs someone to support her. She recently said a psychiatrist she went to, diagnosed her in 45 minutes with Bi-Polar, Alcoholism, Major Anger issues, etc. I just find it hard to believe. She is such a liar & con artist. Through all of this, even losing custody of the kids, I have never seen her upset or cry. Wierd, huh? Upset with her is exploding with anger. She's blaming everything she's done on 'her problem.' I've been checking out 'Sociopath,' & boy, does she ever fit that! I guess, at this point, all I can do is read & study & put it in front of him. He wants to believe everything she says & helps in making excuses for her. I don't get it!  He's not stupid!! But, I guess he'll have to figure it out himself. I can only make the info available.
Thank you so much for responding. You can look in book stores all day & not find the book that you really need, so thank you for the name of one. The title sounds as if it may involve abuse, either emotional, physical, etc., which should be really helpful. I will purchase & read the book.
Thanks again!
WGM
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479477_tn?1312331482
Another book which is a great book is "I hate you don't leave me" it about BPD, Borderline personality disorder. I too was told I had BPD 6 months ago, I have 2 children and would never in my MIND ever think to hurt them. It is a natural thing, the love of a mother for her children and I do not see by having borderline personality disorder as it making you want to hurt your own children. But as for her sleeping around with different men, the book says it can be symptoms or signs and actions of someone with BPD, everyone who has BPD can have different symptoms or actions. I personally suffer from being insecure, fear of being unloved and alone, but it can also make you have angry outbursts, but none of mine have ever been physical. I mainly end of having hate for my self and my actions. But, as for the drugs, my DR. said most people with BPD either have substance abuse which Crack coccaine would fall into that , and or Eating Disorders. That one was and still is my down fall, eating disorder. I have never and will never do drugs. But, I have known people who did do crack coccaine and it is addicting and they tend to feel a high and not sleep and be up at all hours while on the drug and then the next day they are down and insecure because of doing the drug and feeling bad about doing it. In my experience with people who have done that drug, it does NOT make them Mean though. By the sounds of it she sounds like she may have a lot of different issues. I hope that your son can lay down the line and make sure that she seeks help and tries to work on herself before he would let her back into his life or their childrens life, she does not sound like she  can handle herself let alone being a mother and wife. Good Luck to you and your family. Do look into reading the book and maybe pass it on to your son, he probably needs to read it too, I know he probably feels like he is the one going crazy or does not understand why ,it is called I hate you don't leave me by Jerold J. Kreisman, M.D., & Hal Straus, it was only $8.00 at the book store. Again, good luck to you and your family.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you for your information about the book. I also appreciate you giving me some of your feelings & problems. I just don't know exactly what all her problems are. She definitely has more than one. She has been so 'secretive' over the years that I don't think we really know what all has gone on. My son has been so forgiving, sympathetic, etc., &, I think, feels responsible for her somehow, but I think he is finally seeing that it's only making the problems worse. He says he will not let her back into the house & everything will be by the decree from now on. She refuses to get treatment, saying 'she doesn't have a problem, we do.' So until she is ready, nothing can be changed or done. It's the things she is telling these 'young' children & we know that she can 'explode' in an instant. We fear for their safety. They need to have unconditional love, feel safe & secure & have stability. They are not getting any of that with her. Thank heavens, he does have full custody.
WGM
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Avatar_f_tn
Also, concerning the drugs. We don't know if she's on anything for sure. She does hang out with people that are known drug users so that makes 'me' think she's taking or using something.
WGM
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479477_tn?1312331482
I really do wish you and your family the very best. I am sure her denial will continue until she does seek treatment or help. I personally feel so much better when I go to my therapist for talking and I really feel so much better when I take the meds prescribed. The way I like to look at it, is that we are NOT weird or Crazy, but if people lack vitimans than they take that vitiman to put it into the body because that is what it is lacking, when people have chemical imbalances, the DR. prescribes the med that we can take to give us that balance. We all lack something at times. I again, wish you and your family the best and stay strong for what is best for the kids and your son.
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Avatar_f_tn
Nikki,
Thank you for your good wishes! At this point, I just don't know what's going to happen. She is in total denial that there is a problem & from what I've read 'everywhere,' until she makes the decision to get help & admits she has some issues, nothing will change. My son was just diagnosed with 'Acute Rheumatoid Arthritis,' and the stress she's bringing on him is definitely not good. He could end up disabled, but she keeps spewing trash out to him. I listened to a few phone calls she made & left messages on (the children hearing them) and they were 'horrible!!' The lawyers, courts, etc. don't seem to offer any remedies, until a tragedy occurs. I pray it won't happen in our case.
Good luck & wishes to you. Until recently, I had been very sympathetic, forgiving & understanding, but it's all gone beyond that now. I'm sure it's very difficult to know something isn't right, but to be mean as a snake, like she can be, is going a little far.
WGM
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Avatar_f_tn
Another good book to read is "Sometimes I act Crazy" which is written by the same authors as "I hate you, don't leave me" It really is a better, most defined book about BPD. BPD is a collection of behaviors and many of them are supremeely swlf destructive. At your DILS age, she will need a lot of counseling and the kids are deefinitely in danger. I also read a book called "Get me out of here" by Rachel Reiland, a book written by a woman who overcame her BPD. It's a hard book to read on many levels, but it helped me to understand my daughter, a little, and the disease, a lot.
I wish you the best, as I also am struggling with a daughter who has this and won't treat it.
Liz
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547573_tn?1234659310
Namaste,

The symptoms you describe are more in keeping with Bipolar Diorder rather than BPD, although that can't be ruled out. Oftentimes, an individual with a psychological problem will have one or more disorders which mimic the symptoms of other disorders.

If your daughter is using illicit drugs or alcohol to excess, she is, in all probability self-medicating, in an attempt to feel somewhat "normal".

There is no doubt that she needs to see a mental healthcare worker as soon as possible, but if she refuses to go, there is little you can do, other than obtaining a commitment order from the Court.

Otherwise, as you know, until she gets out of her denial phase, she will not seek help of any sort.

Since young children are involved however, I would notify the Department of Child Welfare (or whatever its' called in your state), so that they can, at least, start a file on the situation.  If the situation is so out of line, the Department may remove the children from the household for their well-being, at which time, if you desire, you could petition the court for custody.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck during these troubled times.

Jikan
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you for your wishes and info about the book.  I've been babysitting with the 3 kids this summer & though, I am a reader, I haven't had a chance to read anything! My son is very sympathetic, understanding, etc., but I've told him that children are not always better off for the parents to stay together, no matter what. I really don't know exactly what her problems are, but she has several.She could get help, 'if' she wanted it. She maintains there's nothing wrong with her, we all have the problem. I'm at a point of being done. Don't get me wrong - it's not that I don't have sympathy & caring for her, but she has been so hateful, it's unbelievable. I just can't deal with it, if she chooses to ignore her need for help. I worry about the kids & the effect she has on them. The oldest boy, age 8, who has ADHD, has pulled at his hair at the crown until he has a huge bald spot (He's done this for several years). But, she told my son that he just started doing it since the divorce (May 15, 2008) because he misses his mother! Where has she been!! She's back & forth, normal & off-the-wall, black & white. Never consistent with anything. I'm afraid my grandson may have more wrong than ADHD. His Dad has made an appointment for him to start sessions with the psychiatrist. They were married 7-1/2 yrs. I give you my prayers as well as her parents. I don't know what I would do to have to watch my daughter do some of the things my dil has done. Probably love her unconditionally, yet keep trying to talk her into treatment of some kind. Thank you again for your best wishes & thoughts. I give you the same & I guess we'll both see how we end up.
Best Wishes & Prayers!
WGM
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you for your reply & information. Her mother & I have discussed a 'court order' & calling in Children's Services, but we don't want the kids taken away from my son. He's been the one who has mainly always taken care of them - getting them up, feeding them breakfast & getting them dressed for school, day care etc., cooks their supper, makes sure they get to their after school activities, etc., cleans.  She doesn't seem to have taught them how they should do things or behave. For example, they eat a piece of candy & drop the paper on the floor! It's been an issue of begging her to seek counceling, etc. for years. You can tell by their behavior when they've been with her. Last week-end she called my son at about 3:30 a.m. & told him she was afraid. The man she moved in with was controlling her. He got upset & asked did she want him to call 911. No. Was he beating her? No. Was he mistreating her? No. She ended up saying she was going to take a shower & go to a friend's???  I still haven't figured out what the problem was. Except maybe, that he might have expected her to help out in some way, etc. And, you do not tell her to do anything! Or, she could be getting worse & showing signs of paranoia. My son was very recently diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, which he has pretty bad. It hit him very hard. Then, he's had a cough for 5 or 6 months, a severe sinus problem. He went to an Ear, Nose & Throat doctor, who called him today & told him the culture they did was positive for Staph infection. If it's not 1 thing, it's 10. I told him he did not need the stress of the things he's going through & needs to take a BIG break from all of it. She calls him & one minute she's as nice as she can be & calls an hour later cursing & screaming at him for everything he's worth. She calls him a lot at 3 or 4 a.m., knowing he has to get up & go to work. It's usually about nothing important & a  lot of times it's to fight & argue. I guess I'm just at the point that I've had it. I have forgiven, had sympathy, helped in any way I could & nothing seems to make a difference or change things. I think she desperately needs in-hospital treatment. I don't know how it will end up.
Thank you for your thoughts & wishes!
WGM
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My name is Kim. I am 27 yrs old and I have BPD. I am a recovering addict and a mother of two of the most beautiful little girls on the planet who I have not seen in over a year. My ex-husband has them, and the oldest is not his biologically. I realize I am ill. I miss my kids, but truthfully they are better taken care of. I signed my rights away last month.

I was raised by a mother with BPD, and my childhood was absolute hell. He MUST get those kids by whatever means necessary, and he needs to get them into therapy as soon as possible. It is hereditary and is triggered by abandonment, abuse, and almost always by the mother, or lack there of. If you suspect that she is on rugs, bring it up in court and ask for a hair folical drug test that she will have to pay for and emergency custody of the kids. That way they are not in any immediate danger.

I was not always a bad mother. I love my kids, very much, and I miss them everyday, but it is what is best for them. I am currently in treatment, and hope that one day I can be a mom again. I pray that she will realize that she is ill, and seek help. You can recover from this, with therapy and determination. May we both find peace, and good luck with your grandchildren.
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Avatar_f_tn
I just sent you a message & don't see it. I will check & make sure that it gets posted. If not, I'll rewrite it.
WGM
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Avatar_n_tn
I too am the grandmother of 2 grandsons who's mother has been diagnosed with BPD, biopolar and also has been a drug addict from I now know since she has been 13. She recieves counseling and all of the help social service agencies give her and she is on lots of meds. I see no improvement at all even though she has been in drug treatment about 10 times. She made some strides last year but continues to relapse. Thankfully my son has custody of the children and she only gets supervised visits. Your son may want to keep his family together but from our experience that may not work. My grandsons mother manipulates the children and they still love her but they need to be protected from her. She is male dependendent and always has to have a man, any man paying her bills. It never lasts and they are never good men. Your son cannot fix her and the children need safety, love and security.
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Avatar_f_tn
if she doesnt want help, there is nothing anyone can do for her. as for the children, if i thought for a second that they might be in danger, i would get child protective services involved. i am a mother of 3 and suffer from bpd. i would never think of hurting my children now, but i thank god that they werent born before i accepted help. its a horrible disease. you dont mean to hurt those around you and you dont know how to control emotions. its a very self destructive illness. i dont think she really believes that there is nothing wrong with her but she probably doesnt know what or how to even explain it. i was first diagnosed at 18 when i was involuntarily admitted into the pschych ward for self harm. at the time, i fought every minute of it, i put friends and family thru hell, i manipulated and lied. im 31 now and have gotten help years ago once i was ready. she will probably get worse during the divorce, i would keep the children away from her right now, she could hurt them in a desperate attempt at attention. the illness causes great disstress and panic when confronted with having to be alone.i feel bad for you and your family, try not to turn your back on her unless you really have to..goodluck  
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you for your response. I know that you can understand where I'm coming from. The big difference, of course, is this is your daughter & my daughter-in-law. Right? My son did divorce her in May of 2008, and it's been a total nightmare since then. He was diagnosed right after the divorce with Rheumatoid Arthritis (a pretty bad case of it so far). Then they found nose surgery he'd had a few yrs. ago was 'botched' & one side being blocked caused drainage to build up & give him a Staph infection. Of course, he had to go off the Rheumatoid drugs to fight the Staph, now that's getting worse. My whole point is he's single now, 3 kids to care for (school & after activities), cooking, cleaning, etc. She has been nothing but a horrible thorn in everyone's side. She calls him at work, under the guise of discussing the children. But, it's always an excuse to say something hateful to upset him for the day. She also calls him at 2, 3 or 4 a.m., knowing he has to work. She picked up a guy Fri.nite a week ago & brought him to my grandson's football practice & hung all over him, dressed like a tramp. My son is an adult, he can deal with it. But to do that in front of the kids is inconceivable to me! My grandson is being treated for ADHD, she's now telling him the medicine Daddy makes him take is bad for him, it's the worst there is & it's Meth & he shouldn't be taking it. Why?? would you do that to your own child! We think there's been times when he's not swallowed the pills. My gson has also been pulling his hair at the crown for years. Recently, he ended up with a bald spot. This past week-end is the first time she's had them overnite & took him out & had his head shaved! It looks horrible!! She refused to sign some med.bills for the kids (she's to pay half of what my son puts out). She has refused to give him her physical address, work places & all the phone numbers. My son told her if she doesn't provide them, she will not have them overnite again & may not see them at all. She has a problem with sex, men, taking orders (17+ jobs in 7 yrs), drinking, NOT admitting she has anything wrong, control & anger issues. Tho she told me that one of the psychiatrists said she had BPD, another Bi-Polar. She says we have the problem, not her. I'm done with her. Believe me, I am a sympathetic person, but she's unbelievable. We're not getting help or support from the attorney (he got his money) & I'm ready to go another route. I am terrified when she has the kids (for their safety). She can't control her anger. But, we don't know what to do or who to see about her having only supervised visits & no overnite staying. She's a pathalogical liar & huge manipulator. She also manipulates the children & tells them she loves them more than Daddy, etc. Enough, this may not sound bad, but it's barely the tip of the iceberg.
Thanks Again & my thoughts & prayers will be with you!.I know what I'm going through & I wouldn't wish this on an enemy. How did her husband get 'supervised visits' only for her?? I would be very interested.
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Avatar_f_tn
Also, I thank you for your response. I guess I'm coming off as a very uncaring, unsympathetic shrew. Please believe me, that's not the case. There have been problems going on for yrs. I've sat down & talked to her & tried my best to get her to go to counseling because she would keep bringing up 'being adopted' issues. I told her that I thought it bothered her enough that she should see someone, definitely. (I honestly felt that she had other issues, but that would at least start some kind of help). She said yes she would & she really needed to do that, then did nothing. In 2004, she told my son & I that she picked up an old high school friend, went home with him, went to bed with him, then ended up pregnant. Either had a miscarriage or abortion, don't know which. I forgave her, as did my son & she assured both of us that she would get counseling. Never happened. I've since learned she's a pathalogical liar, manipulator, has major anger issues, can be mean & cruel, vindictive, has to be in control, on & on. I agree that until she's ready to get help, it won't happen & nothing will change. I honestly am beginning to believe that she will probably never get better. The thing is she's playing mind games with the kids, manipulating them, threatening them, aggravating the life out of my son, who has been a lot easier on & forgiving to her than you would believe. It doesn't help, she almost gets worse. She's telling the kids that she'll have custody soon & with Daddy, it's not a home, just a place to live. She loves them more than Daddy does. She makes them tell her everyone my son talks to & what is said & gets furious with them if they can't. I just feel this is not an environment or situation the kids need to be in. They're 8, 6 & 3. She told the 8 yr.old, who is a boy by another man that my son adopted, that she cares more about him than the 2 girls because he's hers. The girls are hers too.  Or, is this a 'get Daddy' thing. And, I agree, I'm scared to death she may do something to one of them because of being angry at my son. She wanted the divorce. She had filed on him 6 mo. prior to May. She'd been having an affair for over a year & my son & his brother caught her. She's now turned the situation around & is telling the kids that Daddy threw her out. It's just getting worse & worse & I don't think any of us can take much more. And, it definitely is not fair to the kids. I'm sure what we know is a very small part of what's really going on. The oldest one will be seeing a psychiatrist within the next week, so maybe we'll find out something. I'm very worried about him. I have seen her, with my own eyes, terrify him until his mind shut down. I stay worried & hope there is going to be something good happening soon. And, you know what, I really do feel sorry for her & I don't understand the illness & would have been willing to help in any way I could, but she's making that an impossibility. She's so cruel, arrogant & vindictive. You can't even be nice or civil to her anymore.
Thank you for your information & thoughts & I certainly hope that you keep improving. Bless you for seeking & continuing with treatment.
WGM
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm really sorry that somehow my response didn't get sent to you. A few days have passed, so, of course, I don't remember exactly what I said. But I admire you for realizing that you have a problem, are getting treatment & realize, for right now, your kids need stability. My son would forgive her, be willing to work with her, anything. But, she continues to destroy any chance of that. (And, he does have primary custody). Her biological mother is in sad shape, from what my son & she have said. So, I suspect that that she has similar problems. My d-i-l was adopted as a baby & she has issues with that, too. The one thing I noticed that I could never understand was - the kids were never her priority. She didn't seem to have a maternal instinct at all. It's always been about her, what she wants, what makes her happy, etc. She's playing mind games & manipulating the kids, so my son is going to have to go to someone who can help him get 'supervised visits' only. Right now, that definitely needs to be done.
I know it must really have been hard for you to give up your kids, but I admire you for doing what you think is best for them. My d-i-l doesn't realize the damage she's causing by doing & saying the things she is to the kids. And, she doesn't seem to worry about these kind of things, as long as she gets her way.
I wish you the very best also & will think positively about you. And, I also hope that we both will find peace soon.
WGM
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Avatar_f_tn
What she is doing will cause serious permanent psychological damage to those children. Let her go down if thats what she chooses, but do not let her bring the kids down with her. I cant imagine the sorrow this must be causing in your life, I really wish you well and thank you for being there to save the children who cant save themselves. God bless you.
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Avatar_f_tn
    I JUST HOPE NO ONE'S TALKING INFRONT OF THE KIDS ABOUT THEIR MOTHER,  MY MOM LEFT WHEN I WAS THREE I RESENTED ADULTS TALKING ABOUT HER LIKE I WASN'T  THERE THEY STILL LOVE THEIR MOM I'M SURE ,THEY NEED TO KNOW SHE'S SICK AND HAS TO BE KEPT AWAY FROM THE KIDS TILL SHE GETS WELL THAT SHOULD BE AN INCENTIVE,YOUR SON NEEDS TO FOCUS ON RAISING THOSE KIDS AND NO DATING THEY NEED ALL HIS ATTENTION , I REALLYBELIEVE  MY GRANDMOTHERS CONSTANT PRAYERS SUSTAINED ME THROUGH ALL THAT HELL. I WAS ALWAYS AWARE OF GOD AND PRAYED ALOT TO .I PRAY THAT WHEN THEY ARE WITH YOU THEY FIND PEACE AND SERENIITY AND  HOPE THEY GET COUNSELING I WAS DEPRESSED AT A VERY YOUNG AGE TOOK MY YOUNGEST SON AT AGE 15 HE HAD TWO MAJOR HEAD INJURIES TO SEND ME  INTO A DEEP DEPRESSION  NOW I'M BPD . I CAN FEEL FOR YOU I'TS GOTTA BE HARD WORRING NEVER ENDS I'LL PRAY FOR YOUR SON AND GRANDKIDS  HAVE ALOT OF THIS DRAMA IN MY BROTHER AND SISTERS GRANDCHILDREN.   GOD BLESS YOU GRAMA.
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I'm so sorry to hear of all your going through.  It is so unfair for your daughter in law to be saying those kind of things to the children.  Divorce is hard enough on its own with all the changes that occur, must less to add in the things that she is doing.  I'm so glad to hear that the oldest is going for counseling.  I hope it helps him get through this.  It probably wouldn't be a bad idea for the other children to go if she does stop with the kind of talk she's been filling them with.  I hope your son is able to get his medical conditions all worked out soon.  I hate how sometimes if it isn't one thing, it's another.  Coping is so hard when your plate is so full.  I saw above that someone had said for your son not to date.  I believe dating is a choice and not always a bad choice...it get a person out of the house and allows adult conversation.  It never means you have to bring someone around the children.  I'm not suggesting he dates, but am suggesting he find something for himself to enjoy and if it isn't going out occassionally...a hobby possibly.  He has such a full plate and when we have that you can feel so overloaded that life is then so overwhelming...your become so unenergized you can feel hopeless and become depressed.  I'm very glad that he is being a proactive father and very happy to know that he has you.  I hope that he can find some relief for those medical conditions soon so he can start to feel better and begin fully enjoying those children and finding his own peace and comfort with his new life with his children.  Keeping all of you in my prayers...T
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I thank all of you for your caring, concern & best wishes. I am really a softy at heart, though I know I'm certainly not sounding like it. Finally, the olest, boy 8, is in counselling. The 2 girls, 6 & 3, have an appointment (1st one) this afternoon. So, hopefully, we will avoid major problems with them that I'm sure she is causing. I don't understand how a mother could do these things to their children. (even if it's limited to emotional abuse, it's still abuse). We found out that she's been lying for a long time to others about my son, things going on, etc. I guess we'll never know the scope!  We've tried to involve DEFACS, hoping they would at lease evaluate her. Things aren't that easy. Not like people think they are. Basically, it's a situation that whenever something bad happens, they will step in. - Excuse me?  When something bad happens?  I thought all these programs were to protect the children!! I'm very discouraged by all of it.  If you watched any of the programs dealing with the woman Kaycee about her missing daughter, Kaylee, it reminds me so much of my daughter-in-law, it's unbelievable. She had her biological brother call my son Fri. @ 8 a.m. & threaten him. He said he heard my son was 'beating' the oldest boy. Now I wonder who told him such a thing! That's what scares me with her. I don't know what she's capable of if she gets desparate enough, angry enough, etc. Or what kind of people she would try to involve in her little schemes. She pretends one day to be civil & the next, she's back to her mean, arrogant vile self. I just hope she reaches a point where she's at least civil. What would make me feel a lot better is if my son only had to allow her 'supervised visitation.'  I think it will be a travesty if 'something bad' has to happen before we can do this.  At this point, she is 'insisting' that she has no problems, that all of us do. I guess we need to save our money & either go back into court or hire a private detective.

Thanks again for your support.  It is greatly appreciated!

WGM
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Avatar_n_tn
I am a praying grandma too. I have been praying for my daughter for 40 years now. She is in denial as are her 2 brothers and sister. Her father treats her like a baby. I am no longer married to him and have minimal contact with my daughter. She is an alcoholic and has severe anorexia. Her father has denied this even when her bones are sticking out of her clothing. It is almost like she is flaunting her sickness for him to notice. For him to actually see her, would mean that he would have to deal with all the behaviors he contributed to her being so sick. He abused her physically and emotionally took advantage of her to let her abuse me verbally and emotionally without intervention. It was and is awful. She has 1 daughter 13 who is a delightful child. My daughter is married to one of those great guys who dotes on her for some kind of acceptance and approval. He is tired of never getting a kind word and they are divorcing. She wants sole custody of her child and has told that child horrid stories about a daddy that she loves so much. It is difficult for this girl to stand up to her mean mouthed mother for fear of physically being hit or a foul tongue lashing!! She lies all the time and manipulates everyone into silence. Her brothers and sister stay away from her and she only calls them when she needs a favor. They still protect her as that is what they were taught to do as she was the baby. I pray morning noon and night for that dear child who is in the middle of a nightmare that is being played like a game to her mother. Lawyers are being hired and fired. Dates for deadlines come and go. Promises are broken and all of history is being re-written on all past memories and events. That is why so many of the family feel like they are the crazy ones because these folks are so very persuasive in their delivery of their beliefs. Keep hanging in there and I will add you to my prayer list.
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I'm going to try & not be so wordy. I do thank all of you so much for your good thoughts & especially your prayers. They are greatly appreciated. The bottom line is - my d-i-l has some serious issues that, evidently, she does not want to address. We have the problem, not her. She talks down to the kids about the whole family, not just Daddy. She has no clue that this is 'emotional abuse' & what it may cause the children down the line. They are all in treatment, Thank God!!  I understand that she is their mother & they love her, but that doesn't mean that, right now anyway, it's best for them to be around her. She has not changed. She still lies, manipulates, is vindictive, uses everyone she can & on & on. She can't enjoy the kids because she spends so much time playing 'head games' with them. I just don't know what the solution is. She needs to be evaluated, at least, to figure out the problems that she's causing on an emotional level. She's trying to make the oldest, a boy 8, her 'best bud.' She just doesn't get it! And, really, doesn't seem to care. It's all about her & what she wants. The latest news is she is pregnant &, because this coming week-end is supposed to be hers, she's claiming she's married. We're pretty sure she is living with a boyfriend. I think we're going to do some checking to see about the marriage cause she is capable of lying about it so she & the boyfriend can stay in the same house. with the children. Maybe things will calm down when she has another baby (I know-I've thought the same things).She never does anything without having a sinister plan laid out. She is, what would you call it, very street wise. I told my son, maybe she'll leave him alone & not have so much time to be so hateful to him.  I want the kids to be loved, happy, secure, stable & safe & basically the same for my son. Other than that, I'm just at a loss right now. Thanks again for all the concern. And, I will be praying for all of you!
WGM
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Okay.  I need some help. My d-i-l has a new boyfriend that she has recently moved in with. To stay in a house with a man you are not married to, while the kids are there, is breaking the divorce decree. It's not allowed!  She is supposedly also pregnant now. We don't know whose baby it is. She's recently been causing scenes at the ballpark, saying derogatory things to my son in front of whoever is around (loud enough for numerous people to hear). She said some things to one of the coaches. She's been going to the Sheriff's Dept. telling them that my son is threatening to kill her, harrassing her & stalking her. (She wants custody of the kids-mostly for the child support). She's saying & doing anything to try & make my son look bad. What she doesn't know is that DEFACS has already come to the house & visited him, after the kids had made statements & said things to the counselor that sounded as if they could be sexually abused by someone she was taking them around. She is becoming dangerous, in my opinion. I'm afraid of what she's capable of, as well as my son being afraid (deep down). We don't know what needs to be done for her to be evaluated. Any help? Is this the time we get an attorney again? Does anyone have any experience about filing a 'Protective Order' & what the criteria are? My son has the back-up that she inundates him with phone calls, text messages & e-mails at work. Just being hateful! I'm at my wits end & just don't know who I should talk to. Someone that will take me seriously & not think I'm just trying to start something. Please someone. Help me out. Tell me your experiences & what worked best. We're dealing, remember, with someone who has 'Personality Disorders.' But she's been able to keep all that hidden from the people who need to know it.

Thanking you in advance!
WGM
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I was desperately searching for a forum where borderline personality disorder was discussed by (a) those who actually have it; (b) those going through or considering therapy; (c) hopefully some medial or lay-medical professionals with some further insight and (d) those BPDs familiar with Dialectical Behavior Therapy, the Gold Standard for BPD treatment.

I didn't expect a ***** and moan session from a majority of people who have in-law problems or don't know what the hell they're talking about. "Read a book, do some internet searching.....yadayadayada.."

I'd suggest to the rest of you who don't actually have the CORRECTLY diagnosed disorder of BPD, that you join a knitting club or go to your local adult community groups and ***** and moan with the other MIL's out there.  I understand a person's desire to want to protect their sons or grandchildren, but the lack of compassion here and near total damnation and people making pot-shot diagnostic assumptions is unreal.

Hopefully, I can find a place where people actually recognize this disease and are in the throes of the pain involved.  Even in those throes, I think they can make more sense than I've read here.
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I hopr you take the time to read some other threads here that have nothing to do with in-law problems.
There are very many posters here dealing with BPD. Some family members of those who have or are coping with BPD and even some who have recovered or adjusten well enough to there satisfaction.

I haven;t been to many internet sites but since being here have found an aray fo different people all wanting to help or looking for help themselves.  ireally don't think your going to find more variety than you will here because this is a very large site.

You can always go to a different forum that deals with mental illness and find out if you feel more comfortable there.

No one is giving out any diagnosis here, they are from what I've read more suggestions and ideas. Many here try to stress that the diagnosis is of little importance compared to the how the person themselves feels and functions.

I hope you do stick around and give the forum here another shot. Take what you need and leave the rest. You may find someone or something you can relate to or someone that can relate to you.

Amph

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Actually,she did the best thing in not going to court;it would have hurt her children more. From your post, I am sure you and your son would have painted her unfit as a parent--and that would have been devastating to the children--and to her.  
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I am highly offended that you suggest child services get involved.  The children are not being abused.  People with mental disorders are not child abusers just because they are ill!  What is wrong with you people?
BTW, My husband is from Nepal and he finds your post horrible was well.
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Avatar_m_tn
I realize this is several years after this post. However, it impacted me enough I felt it necessary to reply.

Chigirl, I think you are not living in the real word if you feel that people who are mentally ill, are not providing a safe, stable and healthy homes, neglecting the child's basic needs and generally living in chaos is not abuse. Abuse isn't just physical. Abuse is mental. Abuse is telling a child it's all their fault mommy's relationships fail. Abuse is emotionally manipulating the child so severely that the child has no personality of her own. Abuse is neglecting education and not nourishing the child's soul. Abuse is making a little girl feel like she just has to survive another day. Abuse is stealing her innocence before she she was in the 1st grade.

How do I know? My ex with BPD made it clear her daughter who was 4 that everything was HER fault!  I ask you, can you justify that as anything but abuse?

My ex is diagnosed BPD and Bipolar. She's moved the child 7 times in 8 years.  The child has no family roots to speak of. Father left when the child was 2. Mom is unstable and impulsive. The child has been yanked from place to place. The little girl has been diagnosed with ADHD, learning disabilities and oppositional defiant disorder. Is this genetic? Perhaps on some level as studies have shown, however much if it is enviornmentally caused. A lack of a stable life has contributed much of the problem in my view.

The little girl in question is not even mine and we're in the court system to prevent my ex from removing her from a boarding school. If the courts don't see my side, damn right I'll call CPS once the child is yanked back into a life of chaos and emotional abuse. I will go down fighting for that child.

So, before you get offended think of how the little ones are effected by BPD. Maybe then you'll see why survivors (children and ex-partners) of Borderlines are willing to employ such strong measures to save these children.

So please, spare me your offense. Its not about you, its about the welfare of the innocent.

Perhaps you've not seen the horror of this up close and personal?


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Avatar_m_tn
Mother in laws always think their sons are golden boys and their daughter in laws are evil screwed up *******. This is what your son wants you to think. He may not have been the angel he claims to be and probably knows which buttons to press (i.e if she does have borderline personality disorder then making her feel 'bad' 'unwanted' and 'unloved' will tip her over the edge). People with mental illness need understanding and empathy, but you seem to have none whatsoever. You want your grandkids and don't see that they should have equal right to live with their mother who went through the pain of giving birth to them, that's just selfish.
She might be a little screwed up at the moment, relationshop problems do tend to do that on their own let alone an underlying problem (which is often caused by factors in a persons early development beyond their control), but that doesn't mean a fresh start in life won't see her right too. And if she is a risk to her children the authorities will recognise it, and if your view is unfairly biased then they will recognise that too. Unfortunately in your situation (and fortunately in hers) the only ones to decide that are social workers and the courts.
Perhaps you should try to support your daughter in law so that if she does get custody she does not seek to alienate you from her children for (justifiable!) paranoia about you saying awful things about her to TOTAL STRANGERS and her children.
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